


Orphic

by exoseok



Series: Orphic [1]
Category: Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Canon Compliant, Cross-Posted on Quotev, F/M, Manipulation, My Poor Beginner Writing, My Years of Light Thirst Accumulated to This, Possessive Behavior, Reader-Insert, Ryuk is a Troll (Death Note), Self-Esteem Issues, Suicide (Naomi), Unhealthy Relationships, Yandere, Yandere Light Yagami
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-14
Updated: 2018-01-14
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:01:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 27
Words: 101,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27364711
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/exoseok/pseuds/exoseok
Summary: Your brother just wanted you to go grab some eggs.How did it end up like this?______________________My first ever completed fanfic that was originally posted on Quotev, but I'm moving it here because this is what I use now as a functioning adult.
Relationships: Yagami Light/Reader
Series: Orphic [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2034844
Kudos: 94





	1. Eggs & Milk

Throughout your years of school, you’ve come to realize there are countless kinds of people to which you organized into two general hierarchies. Most of the time, they were sorted into your first hierarchy. That included the ones around you in the honors curriculum at Daikoku Private Academy. Hard-working, goal-setting, high-achieving people who worked hard and fair (except on that one calculus test) to become successful in the future. They studied for their Entrance Exams, worked part-time jobs, and made time for sports and social activity as well as studied for everyday tests and quizzes. They were stressed, sure, but hard work pays off in the end.

Then there those with high dreams, but little motivation. Intelligent, but preoccupied with what they prioritize more—things with immediate gratification. Cram studying the night before and relieved with their B or so grades was a cursed cycle they always swore to break out of but never did. High school was tough, though. Not as difficult as college, you supposed, but it wasn’t easy if you were trying for a top university. It wasn’t a surprise for students to want to live a little.

That’s where the athletes came in. Not to stereotype them. Colleges always gave money to athletes. At least, back in the States, they did. Maybe it was different here. You just grouped them with the others saying, “I’ll figure it out later,” and “It’ll all work itself out.” They still had dreams and goals, just little else. But you were prejudicing. They weren’t hopeless or stupid. You were just comparing them to the high-achieving, and you knew better than to compare people. All people were different and had their faults.

Except for the last group in your first hierarchy.

You didn’t even know there was another group in your first until you moved to Japan. There was only one person you can place in this group. Extraordinary in every way. A virtuoso of every genre. Receiving the highest marks on every exam, he was one of the top students in the country. He was dedicated to his studies, yet still occasionally played soccer, and went to cram school in the evenings. He had his whole life laid out in front of him. Bound to get into a top University, the NPA waiting for him, success was flowing in his veins since day one, and it was tangible in his very aura.

He was Light Yagami. Top of the spectrum. Top of your first hierarchy of hard-workers and goal-setters. Your other hierarchy was rather… small in comparison. Only because you created it for one sole purpose.

To be able to place yourself somewhere.

Romantically speaking, you were lost. One of the few that worked continuously towards no goal in particular. Not predominantly adept at anything, and terrible at others. No school subject stood as yours, and no acclimation for sports, you stood still. Of all the emotion and life you perceived from your peers, that was all you had of them—observation. You’ve never been in love or had your heartbroken. Sure, you had the basic human emotions of happiness and sadness, but the profound experience of them evaded you. Nothing made your eyes light up, and nothing made you cry yourself to sleep. You just were.

But you tried not to compare yourself to others. It went against every motivational speech your sister has ever sat you down for. Life was short and precious, she’d say, and you should live it being you, not trying to become someone else. Well, in retrospect, she was correct on one part. Life was dangerously short of late.

“Kira is a god.”

“What the fuck, Roselyn. Kira is a god damned serial killer who is trying to play God in his one-dimensional mind. Do you seriously think he’s some deity who has come down from heaven to bestow judgment or something? Number one, God wouldn’t kill just criminals, because criminals are not the worst people in the world. Number two, A God wouldn’t be so one-dimensional if he’s so omnipotent.”

“Yeah? Then how is it that he could kill people he has no contact within prisons around the entire world with heart attacks? Last I checked, there’s no conceivable way to just intentionally give someone a heart attack. It’s impossible.” Oliver was contemplating strangling the middle child of the family. This was the fifth time, give or take, they were arguing about the same thing. You listened silently from the connected kitchen while your mother washed the dishes behind you from dinner. Oliver’s shadow was standing in front of the TV, while Roselyn laid out on the couch.

They were not the only ones talking about Kira. In fact, it was more abnormal for one to not talk about Kira. He was on the lips of the entire world. Who he was. What his purpose is. When and can he be stopped. The list of inquisitions never ended. Hour-long programs dedicated to doctors, psychologists, and philosophers were beginning to air in place of regularly scheduled TV. Yes, the entire world was beginning to revolve around this so-called “God,” and a light shade of fear began to coat the very existence of the people. Some opposed him, others revered him. Online it was most prominent. Debunking websites hand-in-hand with sites dedicated to people requesting for Kira “the Savior” to kill who they desired to be dead. 

“Science. It has to be some kind of advanced science that can induce people into a heart attack. Could be the government, or it could be a mass group of extremists working across the world. Either way, a God is out of the question and imaginative. Don’t you think, Y/N?” You didn’t notice the two of them walk into the kitchen until they loomed over you. Placing your pencil in the crevasse of your textbook, you glanced between them.

They were both 5’7 and lean. Oliver, the oldest, was enrolled in his last year of university for engineering and was recently accepted into graduate school back in the U.S. Roselyn was in her second year at To-Oh, a prestigious university, for an integrated degree of art and science with a near-full scholarship. An honors program one had to apply for upon initial application. You neither had their brains nor their interest.

“No, Y/N. Think about it. No government or cult would do this, don’t you think? The government goes out of their way to put them in prison, and a worldwide cult could never pull off a stunt like this.”

“Does it really matter?” You said. “It doesn’t matter what or who we believe Kira is. It won’t change what’s going on unless the police catch him or them, or until this, all blows over and criminals stop dying. I don’t know what or who it could be, and I would prefer not to. Right now, I wish he’d kill me so I don’t have to take calculus anymore.” Thinking too much into Kira gave you a massive headache. It was a test of morals, beliefs, and a sense of justice. It showed your true colors. You could especially see it in school. Turns out, the school sweetheart wanted everyone she has ever known dead, and the school jock wanted to “punch Kira in his slimy face.”

A few nights later, your brother’s form hovered in your room while you vigorously worked at a differentiation problem in your notebook. Knowing he didn’t want to speak first because he hovered when he needed help and hated needing help, you set your pencil down and spun in your computer chair to face him, grinning. “What do you need, Oliver?”

“You know I love you, right?”

“Oh, god—,”

“I need you to help me out big time.”

“You forgot to run to the store—,”

“I forgot to run to the store and grab the eggs mom wanted for dinner and mom asked me and I totally forgot and I have my friend’s moving away party to set up and I can’t be late and Roselyn is blatantly ignoring me and I know you don’t have anything to do—,”

“Thanks,” you deadpanned. “It’s not like it’s December and freezing out or anything, but Christmas is around the corner, after all. Fine. I’ll grab the eggs and the milk you were supposed to grab.”

“Thankyouthankyouthankyou! I’ll put the money right here! Uh, don’t tell mom you’re going to the store, obviously. She’ll beat my ass. Make up something. Make sure to get back before she goes to make dinner and sees they’re not there!” He skips back to his bedroom in joy. You huff, turning off your monitor, and grabbing your boots and coat from your closet.

Your mother’s head was on the back of the couch while one hand channel surfed and the other held a phone up to her ear. You were done already. The wooden floorboards near the door tended to scream in terror every time something more than 0.0001 grams was placed on top, and not to mention the doorknob. Her head snapped in your direction so fast you’re surprised it didn’t fly off.

“Where are you going?” This must be what a police investigation was like. Her eyes bored into yours demanding the truth and nothing but the truth.

“I forgot to pick up something for school at one of my classmate’s houses. I was going to head there, then come right back. Is that alright?” She narrowed her already suspicious eyes.

“Whose house?”

“L-Light Yagami’s.” He only lived a few blocks down the road, so his name popped in your head first. Your mother’s face lit up. 

“L-L-Light Yagami! You mean the top student in Japan’s house! The son of the chief? Why didn’t you tell me sooner! Go! Don’t hurry back! A little scared, you scurried out the door. Seems like Light Yagami’s reputation stretched out farther than just school. Stuffing your hands deep into your pockets, you briskly walked down the sidewalk to the store. One paper bag later, you were rushing back. The phone in your pants pocket rang. Adjusting the bag, you dragged the phone out and looked to the caller ID. Mom. You didn’t even get a hello in. “If you and your conniving brother think that you could fool me, think again, You better hurry home before I kick both your butts! Don’t you ever lie to me again! To my face, even! You better sprint home.”

And sprint you did. You hardly noticed the figure in the shadows in the corner of the building. You brushed shoulders, scanning each other’s faces for a second before you zoomed on, yelling your apology to the man. Another figure was up ahead, but this time you had the time to maneuver your path as to not run into him, because you knew who that one was

Light Yagami. The man of the hour.

Well, hopefully, he didn’t know who you were outside of the girl in his classes, and he was humble enough to forget he ever saw your perspiring form sprint past him with a bag of groceries. Frankly, though, the state of your nonexistent ego had to wait, because if you weren’t home soon, there wouldn’t be a you for an ego to have.

Alive and well, mind the depravity of pride from your mother’s stern talking to, you walked to school as you always did, attended classes and walked through the hallways as you always did, and went to your locker and left out the same doors as you always did. Except today was different. It was so, so different, because of one, solemn reason. Eyes were on you. Not just any eyes, but the same eyes that watched you erratically sprint past them the night before. He was probably pitying you, you thought because you looked so stupid, and how could someone so stupid be in honors courses? He didn’t need to worry. You asked yourself all the time.

But he was at the school gates, leaning against one of the pillars, waiting for someone. God, you prayed it was not you. You hid behind a group of overzealous first years and hoped for the best. He was probably looking for someone else, but you were not going to take any risks. Peering through the crack between the students, you checked your visibility status.

Status: seen.

_Woah._ Looks like you forgot something in your locker. Better go get it! Sharply, you veered away from the tide of leaving kids and into the side entrance. Speed walking like your mom does on Thursday nights, you rushed down the hall back to your locker. Urgently twisting the lock, you heard rushed footsteps in the intersecting hallway. Maybe it wasn’t him. Yeah. It was someone else. It was someone else. What if you hid in your locker?

“Yeah, then you’d have to explain what you’re doing in there and how you’re definitely not hiding.” But it was someone else. It had to be.

“Y/N!” Or it was Light Yagami, grinning ear-to-ear. He stopped in front of the locker next to yours and politely waited for you to close your locker and look at him. Obligatorily you did so. “I was looking for you.”

“I’m sorry—,”

“Woah, why are you apologizing?” he asked in the same tone. You tilted your head in confusion.

“Well, I figured if you are spending time talking to me, I must have done something wrong, or you’re here to make fun of me for last night, but my mom was really mad, so I had to sprint home so I wasn’t brutally murdered.” Light laughed breathily.

“No, of course, you didn’t do anything. I was just going to make sure everything was alright. When I saw you run past me last night, I got worried.” He got… worried? Did he? Did Light Yagami always go out of his way for people? You didn’t know him well enough to guess either way. He probably did it for all the girls. You weren’t special. While thinking to yourself, your face had frozen with your mouth agape and eyes wide. “Uh, is everything okay?”

“What? Oh, sorry. Yeah, everything’s fine. Like I said, it was nothing. Sorry if I weirded you out…” he shook his head. “Was there anything else you needed?” He repeated the action.

“I just wanted to make sure you were okay. We live in the same direction, don’t we? Why don’t we walk home together?” Was this guy for real? You never spoke a word to him, and now he wants to walk you home? Was it a pity thing? Or was Light Yagami just his benevolent? Gosh, it would so rude for you to say no.

“I mean, if we go the same way, why not?” He smiled and watched you adjust the backpack on your back before heading off. You made sure not to stand too close so onlookers didn’t think anything, and not so far away to make Light think you were uncomfortable. You watched his feet and counted his steps to make sure you were walking the same speed so he didn’t have to speed up or slow down for you. You also held in a total of two farts.

“How’s your shoulder?”

“Hm?”

“Your shoulder. You ran into the building before you passed me by.”

“Oh, that. It was actually a person I ran into. It didn’t even register to me there was a man standing there until I ran into him. I looked at him, apologized, then sped off. You know the rest.”

“What did he look like?”

Who? The guy? Why do you ask?”

“I… think he might be following me.”

“Holy shit, Light. Um, dark hair, green eyes, American. Besides for me, there aren’t many around. I can’t really remember much more than that. Should you tell your dad?” You really weren’t expecting that. Is Light Yagami always this straightforward?

“I’m going to. I only just noticed him before.” He went quiet for a minute, gaze focused on the ground. “Don’t tell anyone, alright?” You nodded. At least you know why he wanted to speak with you so badly.

“Just… uh… be careful, I guess.”

At home that day, you never realized how little you actually knew of Light Yagami besides what everyone knows. He studies all the time, plays sports occasionally, and goes to cram school, but that’s all anyone knew.

Besides the common knowledge, he was the singlehandedly hottest kid you’ve ever met, which is beside the point.

But there had to be more to him than that, right? You didn’t even know his friend group. Did he have any friends? There were the people he played soccer with, but you’ve never seen him out with them. Maybe he was too focused on school to be distracted by others. Then again, who were you to judge him? He hardly had a social life because he was dedicated to his studies. You didn’t have a social life because you were only an acquaintance to everybody. Someone to talk to in school if one had to, but never the person to be invited out.

It didn’t matter. In a matter of months, Light Yagami and the rest of Daikoku would be in the past. Still, you went to bed that night thinking, maybe Light Yagami was didn't hate you. Maybe he was even interested in your life. You had to hear yourself out. Not romantically, of course, but he was comfortable enough to tell you he might be being stalked, so that was a start, right?

No, anyone would tell an acquaintance that in his situation. You sighed. Maybe you were just desperate. Maybe when you go to college, everything would be better.


	2. Pretending

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> re-reading this... not the most accurate of situations, but I was such a green writer. I was fresh out of the gates!

Okay, Light Yagami was definitely not interested in you. Part of you knew you were fooling yourself by thinking so, but you were ever the optimist. By the way Yuri was exhaustively describing her thrilling date to anybody and everybody that makes eye contact with her, he was just inquiring about his stalker, which really isn’t something you should be mad about. You’d ask a stranger too if they saw your stalker. Why would Light Yagami lower himself to you for anything he didn’t need? You had to stop fooling yourself. You were nobody. You were the second hierarchy.

But you wish you weren’t. Then, maybe you’d have the confidence to tell Yuri that every single person in the damn school knows about her date and every detail from beginning to end. Sure, you gave her credit for witnessing a brutal death unshaken and being the first person Light Yagami has ever asked out on a date, but normally she wasn’t so obnoxious about it.

“And the guy in the seat behind us, he was good looking too—Rika, you’d love him—I’m serious, he helped a lot too. Tall, dark-haired, green-eyed, American. He was hot too. But not as hot as—,” you knew the rest. Tall. Dark-haired. Green-eyed. American. It sounded like Light’s supposed stalker. It had to be. “I’m not supposed to say this, but he was a cop. He helped save our lives.” Cop? Now, that was strange. You were convinced that it was possible that this guy was following Light. Hiding behind a building right behind him at night? Sitting right behind him on the bus? It added up, but now not so much. But what did you know? You weren’t an NPA-bound detective or even a decently smart person. You needed to stop acting smart.

Light walked through the hall then. Yuri’s eyes following him like a painting, but he didn’t spare her a second. Odd. Didn’t they just go out? Yuri seemed just as puzzled, but continued onto her friends about how Light is just “like that.” You weren’t convinced. Something didn’t shake you right, but it wasn’t your business, so you carried out with your studies as you did. At least, you tried your best to pay attention, but the lectures and the notes blurred together and all you could think about was Light and his cop stalker and why he would follow the chief’s son.

There had to be a practical reason behind it. Was he smoking the devil’s lettuce? You considered the fact. Plenty of smart people did it, but you knew who did it, and you knew Light has never made contact with them. Hell, they always slander the kid whenever you overheard them, so that was out of the question. Everything else you could think of—taking his father’s police information, theft, cheating-are all things a) Light would never do and b) not something bad enough to have a cop follow him.

Maybe Yuri was wrong? Or she twisted the truth to make her date seem more interesting? You wouldn’t put it past her, but generally, she was an honest girl. Too honest. Perhaps you should ask Light yourself. No, you couldn’t do that either. It wasn’t your business, and he definitely didn’t want to speak to you again. Maybe he wasn’t following him at all. In reality, you should just let it go. It really wasn’t your business. With Winter break, you figured you’d have space to stop doing what you do best—overthinking and forget about the whole, unimportant thing that you had nothing to do with.

Yeah, you figured. Too bad you were wrong.

“Y/N, Oliver, come down here for a second!” Your mother called from the kitchen. You and your brother emerged from your rooms and met with your mother and sister around the table. “Your sister and I just met a great couple downtown, and we invited them over for dinner tonight. I want you,” she pointed at you, “to help me prepare everything, and you two,” she pointed at your siblings, “to clean up the house. If there is one speck of dust in view, you’re not eating for a week.”

Hours later, after setting the plates of food in the middle of the table and getting dressed the doorbell rang. Your mother demanded that she would be the one to do the answering and the talking. You waited in the kitchen, listening to them greet each other, and come through the living room. “This is my oldest son Oliver, my daughter Roselyn, and my youngest, Y/N. Kids, this is Raye Penber and his fiancée Naomi Misora.”

American. Dark hair. Green eyes. Raye Penber. You shook your head and smiled. Your mother was certainly on the lookout for any misbehavior, and you wouldn’t let any face other than the warm and welcoming show. “Raye here is with the police, and his wife used to be. They are in Japan for him to meet her parents. Please, sit.” So he was with the police, and he was in Japan to meet his fiancée’s parents.

“You’re not here on a job?” You inquired innocently enough. He and Naomi exchanged looks.

“It’s classified.”

“It’s not the Kira case, is it?” Roselyn blurted out. She’d grown obsessed with the case. Her eyes were continuously glued to the news, the documentaries, and everything else about Kira. If she supported him you didn’t know and certainly didn’t want to ask, because you think you knew the answer. He was a God, she still claimed, but not only that but also our “savior.” Oh god, you hoped she didn’t mention him as a savior around a _cop._

"I really can’t say. I’m sorry.” Your mother was glaring ice at your sister, but she shook it off and smiled at the guests in the next second.

“I apologize for my children. They’re awfully nosy sometimes. They get it from their grandpa. He was a part of the CIA. He’s dead now.” And she thought you guys were bad at conversation. Overall, though, you warmed up to the cop and his wife. They were super nice people, despite Naomi being a tad quiet, and even invited your mother to their hotel sometime during the week. You were just thankful Raye didn’t recognize you as the bumbling grocery girl.

Raye Penber died that week.

“What do you mean he’s d-dead?” You almost fell onto the concrete. On your way to replenish the groceries used on dinner that Roselyn wouldn’t go get, you encountered Naomi along the way. “Oh, I’m so, so sorry. I can’t even begin to fathom… when did he… how did… I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be asking.” She sighed.

“No, it’s okay. It was Kira. I know it was. Raye… he was a member of the FBI here working on the Kira case. His death, and what led up to it… I think I figured out something about Kira, and I want to bring it directly to the task force. Do you know where the station is?” You grinned.

“Of course. I’m actually heading there myself if you want to just come with me.” She smiled, nodding.

“Yes, thank you.” The two of you began to walk. You didn’t what to say if anything at all. It might be better to stir conversation, you thought, so she didn’t drown in her thoughts like you did. You never experienced death firsthand, thankfully, and have no idea what could be running through her mind.

“If you don’t mind me asking, what information did you figure out? I mean, you don’t have to tell me if it’s confidential or you don’t want to tell me, I’m just being nosy. I don’t think about Kira as much as everyone else does, but I’d just like to know.” She looked thoughtfully at the ground.

“It’s fine. It’s just a theory anyway. I know it’s true. It has to be. I believe… that Kira can kill people in other ways besides heart attacks. If you don’t believe me, do you remember the bus jacking from a little while ago?” Oh, did you. Yuri could name every detail about that bus and recited it. Fifteen times. You nodded. “When that man was hit by a car, I believe that was Kira. Whoever was on that bus was Kira. I… I didn’t mean to say this much, I’m sorry.” You shook your head.

“Oh my god, don’t apologize. Like I said, I don’t really look into the Kira case as much as everyone else does. I won’t tell anyone, about anything. Raye, the theory, nothing. I swear it.” She smiled in relief. “Oh, here it is. You can just head in there. Good luck, Naomi!”

“Yes. Goodbye, Y/N.”

The grocery store was packed, and you wondered why your mother couldn’t do this. You glared at the old lady who took the last loaf of whole-grain bread as you walked out and she stood haughtily in line. Mouthing a good explicit at her, you held you two plastic bags tightly with your gloved hands and retraced your steps back home. You saw Naomi approach. Your face lit up.

“Hey! How did it… go? Oh my god, you look like shit,” your hand flew to your mouth. “Sorry. Hey, where are you going?” The woman stalked by you, eyes void of life.

“I have something I have to do,” she spoke distantly. Her form disappeared with the crowd. You took a step forward to follow her, but a new voice surprised you from behind.

“Y/N, is that you?” Light Yagami.

“Oh, Light. What are you doing here?”

“I had to drop off clothes for my dad at work, and I was just on my way back.” He looked down at your hands. “More grocery shopping?” You shook your head vigorously.

“I swear to God, grocery shopping is not the only thing I do. You just catch me at bad times.” He laughed, then leaned down to relieve you of the two bags. “Hey! What are you—no, you’re not carrying them. They’re not heavy. Not at all. You really really don’t—,”

“It’s not a big deal. We’re heading the same way anyway, right?” You rolled your eyes.

“Thanks, I guess, even though I didn’t ask.”

The first five minutes of the walk were silence, surrounded by snow and umbrellas along with the same procedure as the last time you walked with Light. In reality, you weren’t in the biggest talking mood in light of recent events. Raye Penber, killed by Kira? Doesn’t Kira only kill criminals? And he could kill by other means, supposedly. Did he kill Raye with those other means?

“Did you know her?”

“Who?”

“The woman you called out to back there.” You smiled sadly.

“Naomi? Hardly. My mom invited her and… her fiancée over to my house for dinner after meeting them downtown. She’s nice, but I don’t know much more than that. I helped her get to the station.” He seemed to ponder your answer. “Why? You know her?”

“I ran into her at the receptionist's desk at the station while dripping off the clothes. She was trying to get directly to the task force, but they weren’t there. We only spoke for a few minutes before we parted ways.”

“Did she get to them?”

“I can’t be sure… Why do you ask?”

“She mentioned to me the same thing, but not what or why. I was wondering if you knew anything.”

“She only said she had information about the Kira case. That’s when I left. I’m sorry I didn’t hear anything else.” You smiled and shook your head.

“It’s fine. I’m just being nosy. Apparently, I get it from my grandfather, although I’ve suppressed the urge for my entire life. I just hope everything works out for her.” You wouldn’t tell him about Raye or Naomi’s theory. You wouldn’t tell anybody unless you deemed it absolutely necessary, mind your family. “Here’s my house. I’ll take those back then. Thanks again. Do you want a reward or something? Think I got a dollar in my pocket." The boy snickered.

“Don’t worry about it. I’ll see you around.”

Waving goodbye, you prayed Light didn’t see your mother’s face unceremoniously smashed against the living room window. Quick as lighting, she zoomed from there and nearly ripped the front door of its hinges crying your name.

“Is that Light Yagami I just saw, carrying your bags?” She urgently took the bags from you and set them on the table. The woman wore a shit-eating grin. “Y/N, why didn’t you tell me you were dating? Bring him over!”

“No! No. No. Nonononono. I am not dating him. He took them right from my hands. I thought it was a theft at first!” She didn’t believe a word you said, you knew but didn’t question you any further. “Oh, mom. I… I do have something to tell you, and… it’s not good. Raye… the man we met the other night… he’s dead. Kira killed him, Naomi said. I saw her on my way over.”

“That’s… that’s awful. She invited me up to her hotel today. I think I will grab my things and head over.” Hand over her mouth, she climbed the stairs and shut the door behind her. You began to unload the groceries. Two hours or so later, your mother returned, shaking through the door in a deathly manner. Both of your siblings were in the living room to see it, and all of you jumped to her assistance. You placed her on the loveseat.

“Mom, what’s wrong?” Oliver asked hastily. She was violently shaking her head back and forth, choking on her own tears, unable to say a coherent word. Roselyn sat on one side, Oliver the other, and you kneeled in front of her. “Hey, breathe mom. Calm down. What happened?” It took her several minutes for her hiccups to stop enough so she could speak.

“Naomi… I-I-I walked in to comfort her and-and-and-and she… she was… dead. She hung h-h-herself from the… from the—,”

“God, please stop there,” Roselyn urged. Your weight fell back to your calves. She…killed herself? Your sister looked to you and Oliver. “The pain of losing a loved one must have been too much for her.”

“A mental illness? You don’t know,” your brother added. “There was no way we could have known.”

Yet like a brick, all the weight of the world fell onto you, and you were frozen to the floor. When she walked past you she was… she was about to… but… why? It didn’t make any sense! She was going to see the task force and tell them. Light said she wasn’t able to because they weren’t there, so she went and… because they couldn’t see her? “Hey, Y/N, you alright?” You shook yourself out of your thoughts and abruptly stood up.

“I’m going to get some fresh air.” You barged out of the house and into the cold. You were about to go after her. Why didn’t you? Because… because of Light. He was there, and your mind went blank. God, you were an idiot. How could you so easily forget about her when he called your name? But, how could you have known she was about to…? You recall her looking pale and distant. It was your fault. “I-It was my fault. Oh my—,” your hands covered your mouth so tight you could nearly feel your bones and your eyelids were squeezed together so much they pushed tears out of your eyes. “I should have… Why did she… It doesn’t make sense.” You couldn’t care less about those around you watching in concern at your breakdown. Wiping your face with your fists, you straightened your back. “It doesn’t make sense.”

Why would she kill herself when she had the theory for the task force and didn’t get to them? Maybe she did get to them, and they didn’t believe her, then she gave up all hope. Why would she let Raye’s death be in vain? Unless she realized she was wrong, but… she had the evidence. She told you part of it. What if she didn’t get to them… and you were the only one who knows her theory. Then you would be letting her death be in vain.

“Fuck—Y/N—it’s not your business. You’re not being smart. You’re pretending to be smart again. It’s not your business. You’re not important. Maybe you should be studying for the Entrance Exams that are right around the corner,” you whispered to yourself. “Stop pretending to be something you’re not.”


	3. Peace of Mind

Entrance Exams?

You don’t know her.

Honestly, you didn’t know how you were expected to pass them when your mind was running about every single thing except the Entrance Exams. With Raye and Naomi, Naomi’s fate, her uncertain meeting with the task force, and Kira, it seemed like life wanted you to flunk them. Maybe a therapist would be your best bet before the exams in four days. Then, perhaps you’d acquire some peace of mind before what may be the biggest and most important exam of your entire life.

Your family was shaken too, except they refused to talk about it. You no longer brought it up, especially in front of your mother. Naomi’s parents reached out and said they would handle everything, and nothing more was heard from them, which your mother was thankful for. Like you, she wanted to move on, but also like her, it was immensely difficult. Especially since your brain was running haywire.

Your thoughts were focused on Naomi, then Raye, because Kira killed him, but Kira only kills criminals, and Raye was an FBI agent, so why did Kira kill him? Why was he individually targeted by Kira? Because of the bus incident Naomi mentioned?

And when you shook your head from those thoughts, because you noted you were trying to play detective again, you’d stress about the Entrance Exams you weren’t studying for at all. And when that blew over you’d think about Light Yagami, because that was a thing. Certainly, it was a thing. Who was the only person who saw Raye on that bus and Naomi in the station? Light Yagami. Who was Raye following? Light Yagami. A part of you knew you’d have to confront him eventually, but before that, you decided on another place to go before your damn head explodes.

Getting out of bed took an embarrassing amount of time, then everything else was quick, and you found yourself striding down the sidewalk rehearsing lines in your head and stopping outside of the very station you led Naomi to not so long before. With a deep breath, you approached the receptionist.

“Uh, hi.”

"One moment,” he said. He pressed a few buttons on his phone, placed the phone down, then looked up at you. The face of annoyance that you were expecting was not present. Instead, genuine curiosity was etched on his features. “How can I help you?”

“Oh, it’s nothing much. I just have a quick question. Did a woman walk in recently, claiming to know information about the Kira case, and wanted to speak directly to the task force?” He nodded.

“Yes, a woman did exactly that the other day. Why do you ask?”

“Because I was wondering if she was able to see them. If you can’t tell me, I understand. I know her, is all,” he smiled gently.

“None of the task force was here, unfortunately, but Chief Yagami’s son offered his phone to her to call his dad, and they both walked out. She never came back. Maybe she was able to contact him through Light?” But Light said he only spoke with her for a few minutes, and didn’t know if she got through to them or not. Was this receptionist lying? No, that’s out of the question. He would have no reason to lie, plus he might lose his job for lying. Then Light was lying. But why? What purpose would Light have for lying? “Uh, is everything alright, ma’am?” You snapped from your thoughts.

“Fabulous, thank you. That’s all I wanted to know. I hope you catch Kira.” You practically sprinted back to the street more stressed out than you were before. It answered a previous question, yes, then opened a million more. Your hand made a ‘slap’ when it made contact with your face and slowly dragged down back to your side in frustration.

Light lied to you. Light was hiding something from you, which was super inconvenient for you because you won’t be seeing him again for a while. Plus, did you really have the guts to confront him? What if he was hiding something? Who were you to know? But you needed this peace of mind, and you’d be able to move on and forget the whole thing. It was a matter of where would you find Light Yagami. You didn’t want to show up at his home out of the blue frankly because that would be creepy considering you hardly knew each other. You pondered where Light Yagami hangs out.

“All Light does is study at home,” Yuri said once, or twice, or twenty times who knows, but she wasn’t the weird one right now, you were because you were the one standing at the gate outside of his house right now. A light was on in one of the upstairs rooms. Was that Light?

“Ha, Light. I crack myself up sometimes.” You shook your head. “Hey Y/N, know what you are? A creep. Walk up to that door, knock on it, ask for Light, get him downstairs, and all you’ll get is a ‘Who are you?’ Not worth the trouble.” Wrapping your arms around yourself, you resumed your path home. Hope was not lost. There was still one more place you were sure to find him.

“You’re going to the To-Oh Entrance Exams? Since when?” Your mother and sister were pressing you hard. “Do you think you can get in? I think you can. You always do your homework, and your grades aren’t bad.” You shrugged.

“Last minute decision. Maybe if they see you’re my sister, I’ll have a better chance. Anyway, worse comes the worse, I’ll get into my backup schools.” The two women exchanged looks. “Look, it’s a long shot, but I’d like to try if you’ll allow me.” They both smiled.

“Knock yourself out.”

“If I have to go to University with you, I’ll make sure you get beat up every day.”

You’ve never felt so uncomfortable in your life until that moment. Every single student looked to be bred for success or purebred. Sitting in your designated seat, you scanned the entering faces of the students. It wasn’t until ten minutes before the test began Light Yagami walked in. He strode straight to his seat without glancing around. You’d have to catch him afterward, then.

“Do you know him?” A deep, blank voice questioned beside you. You jumped and looked at the student. He was… a bit alarming. Deep-set dark circles and black hair brought out his pale skin. His back was slightly hunched and he stared dead into your eyes.

“I-I’m sorry?”

“Light Yagami. The one you were staring so intently at.” You cleared your throat.

“Oh, Light. Yeah, we go to the same high school. He’s in my class. Why?” He stared blankly at the back of Light’s head.

“No reason in particular.”

“Please take your seats. Your test is about to begin.”

You thought Easter mass was the worst hour and a half of your life? Think again. You broke out of the building gasping for breath and wounded from war. You’ve taken rough tests before, but this, wow. Good thing you had backup schools and your main objective was not to pass the test anyway. You waited at the gates for him to come, just as he had done before about Raye.

“Y/N, did you take the exam too?” Light’s smooth voice sounded from behind you. You jumped. “Oh, sorry. Didn’t mean to scare you.” You laughed it off. “Anyway, how did you think the test was?”

“Terrible, but you probably don’t think the same Do—do you want to walk home together? I mean, it’s on the way, isn’t it? I mean, if you don’t want its fine, but I’m just wondering.” Half of the walk was your heart pounding and your mouth trying to form words. Eventually, you dived in. “Light, I need to ask you something. I’m sorry. It’s been bothering me.” He looked down at you blankly. “You know the woman you met at the station who said she had information on the Kira case?”

“Yes.”

“You said you only spoke to her a few minutes, right? And that you don’t know if she got in contact with the task force, right?”

“What are you getting at?” You stopped walking when he bit the question out, and he a few steps ahead. A rush of fear splashed from your gut, and you didn’t know why. You swallowed it down.

“I-I went to the receptionist at the station because of Naomi… something happened to her, and it didn’t make sense to me, so I wanted to find out if her information got to the task force one way or another, and he told me—he told me that you offered your phone to call your dad whenever he comes available, and then she never came back. Did she manage to talk to him? I just want to know what happened. I’m sorry, I just need to know. Did you… lie to me? It’s okay if you did, really. I just want to know the truth.”

“No,” he said. “She never got to them. We talked for a little, then she left. Is that all you wanted to know? Did she tell you the information? If she did, we could use it in the task force.” His voice was back to gentle. The voice you heard in school all the time. The voice he used when speaking to you previous times.

“No, she didn’t. I led her to the station, but she said she couldn’t tell me when I asked. She only wanted the task force to know. I didn’t prod any further since…”

“Since what?”

“Nothing. It’s nothing. Sorry to bother you with this. I just needed to know. Peace of mind, you know?” You began to walk again, hand rubbing the back of your neck. He stopped you with his arm.

“What exactly happened to her?” His eyes demanded the truth, much like your mom’s, but this, this was different. His orbs burned you in your place. You didn’t even want to move in risk of getting scorched. If you told him the truth, maybe he would bring it to his dad.

“She killed herself. I was trying to figure out why. Nothing was stacking up. Maybe it’s just not my business.” You sighed. “I don’t know why I want to play the hero or something. I’m not smart like you or anything, but I just can’t get it off my mind.” You lifted your head. “You probably didn’t tell me because it was classified, right?” Light almost looked surprised. “I mean, what other reason would you have to lie? It’s alright. I’m usually not pushy about things.”

“It’s fine, really. I will help you figure it out—,”

“No, no. I can’t ask you to do that. I’m doing my best to move on from it.”

“Seems like it’s going well.”

“Seriously, don’t worry about it. You had nothing to do with it anyway. Perhaps I will leave the mystery here so I can get a decent night’s sleep. Oh, Light here’s your house. Thanks for everything, and I’m sure you passed the exams with flying colors. If anyone needs luck, it’s me. I’ll catch you around.” You didn’t give him the time to reply because frankly, you were too nervous to hear what he had to say. Half of you wanted nothing to do with him based solemnly on how the information was adding up.

Light was on the bus Raye Penber was on when the hijacker died. You know that from Yuri. Naomi said Raye was on that bus investigating the Kira case, and Kira was on that bus. Raye was following Light. Why would an FBI agent on the Kira case be following him around? It had to be because Light was a suspect. Raye died. Naomi figured out Kira could kill using more than just heart attacks. She goes to tell the NPA, leaves with Light then kills herself without trying or waiting for the task force. Naomi kills herself after speaking with Light Yagami. Light claims they talked and then she suddenly kills herself. What is your constant?

“Okay, so what exactly are you suggesting, Y/N?”

“Hey, stop muttering to yourself, weirdo. How did your exam go?” Roselyn asked. You looked up to her.

“Oh, yeah, rough. I don’t think we are going to end up being the same alumni. I’m not as smart as you. I’m really tired. I think I’m going to take a nap. See you later.” You rushed to your room and locked the door. “You’re not suggesting that…” you continued your train of thought. “He’s a genius, but how could he be… him. It’s impossible. Your own classmate. No, God no.” You were wrong. You had to be. “Of course, you’re wrong. You’re not perceptive. There’s something obvious your missing.” But you couldn’t think of what was so obvious. Everything points to him. Everything. “No, you have to be wrong. It’s just not possible.”

You stayed purposely ignorant to the beginning of your tears. What if you were right? What if… what if he knows you know. “Oh my God, he’s going to kill me.” The gravity settled deeply and you began to shake with fear. Should you call the police? “And tell Light’s dad you think his son is… great idea.” The NPA. Finish what Naomi wanted to start. Then Kira would be caught. Then Light would be caught. “I-I don’t know what to do.” You looked into your mirror.

“You’re wrong. You know that Light is not Kira. Go to sleep.”

You did neither that night.


	4. Worse Case Scenario

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ugh i wish the motivation to rewrite was within me, but it's not. oh well.

Best case scenario, you never see Light Yagami again, and you never have to worry about it ever again.

Worst case scenario—.

“Y/N! Congratulations! I knew you can do it! Ms. To-Oh! See! You’re smarter than you think you are! Now you and I are officially schoolmates! Though they’re not giving you as much money as me, mom has the money she saved for both me and Oliver to use! You can’t turn down an opportunity like this!” By God, you wanted to. How? How could you get into such a university? You guessed on about half of the questions on that test!

“Oh, we’re celebrating tonight!” your mother exclaimed. “All my children are brilliant!” Lucky was more like it. Maybe it was a mistake, and they will send a letter to cancel the acceptance. Or it’s a prank letter. From who? Your _friends?_ The _school?_ This was not what you foresaw. Though, it’s a big school. Chances of seeing Light were there, but not nearly as much as before. If he never knows you’re in, he’ll never reach out. To-Oh was your opportunity to become someone. The someone you couldn’t be in high school. Like hell, you would miss that chance because of a… 

At least he didn’t kill you yet. That either means he doesn’t suspect you know, which is very idealistic to think, or he knows if he kills you that it would point at him. Or he’s not Kira. You never ran to the NPA with your information only because you wouldn’t know how to back up your case. It was all information from Naomi. The only solid theory you did have was how Kira could use other means of murder, but if you went with that and Light _was_ the killer, he’d kill you too after hearing the breakthrough from his father because you weren’t even the girl he was being nice to.

He just used you.

Obviously. _Obviously._ The only two times Light Yagami had approached you was to inquire about his “stalker,” and to ask about whether Naomi told you the information, and you can’t forget about when he lied to your face about it. It convinced you even more. The thought of approaching Light about it came and went out of your mind. There had to be a better idea than to ask the serial killer if he’s the serial killer.

“Yeah, go to the cops. Like any logical person would.” But you knew you couldn’t. You didn’t have the nerve to, and Light probably thought the same if he suspected you knew. For now, you were going to assume he knew you figured it out for safety measures if he ever approached you, but you were still banking on never seeing him. If he didn’t approach you after graduation, he wouldn’t approach you now.

So during the welcome ceremony, you cowered in your chair because you were five feet from the back of Light Yagami’s head. Your heart pounded at the sight of just that, just as it had when he made his speech at graduation for being top of the class and when all of the honors graduates were grouped together and you found yourself, one person, away from him. You were hammered with questions when you ran out of the school right after received your diploma.

But you couldn’t run here. Your sister was sitting in one of these chairs as well in her last opening ceremony, and she would want to show you around and introduce you to clubs.

"Why does he look so different it’s been like… two minutes,” you muttered when they called for the first-year representatives to make their way up. The boy next to you heard your muttering.

“Do you know him?” You nodded.

“We went to high school together.” The boy stared in awe.

“I heard both of these guys got a perfect score on every subject.” Both? You turned your gaze back to the stage. _That guy!_ That was the guy who spoke to you briefly during the exam! “He looks like he was made to be a genius. Are you two friends—,”

“No, he’s a total dick. I can’t stand him.” The boy looked disappointed at your answer. “But that’s just me. You shouldn’t judge someone based on what you hear from someone else. Maybe he’s changed.” Your eyes followed him returning to his seat. Almost instinctively, like he felt your gaze, his eyes shot to meet yours for only a moment before turning and sitting in his seat.

“Woah, that was a chilling gaze he has. He _is_ scary. So cool.” Great. Just when you thought your peers would be too old to succumb to his aura. You grunted, adjusting your sitting position and crossing your arms, ready for this to get over with. What’s so great about him anyway? He was smart and athletic and hot. That’s it. He was unapproachable, overconfident, and also a _murderer._ Admittedly, you were biased in your opinion. A few months prior you too were enamored by his brilliance, at least a little, but that curse broke, obviously.

“Hey! How was your first opening ceremony?” Your sister practically ran from her chair to yours once the ceremony was declared over. “Your class rep is amazing. Yes, singular. The other one kinda… scared me. Did you really go to school with him? Wow. I would have married him. Y/N. Make him my brother-in-law—,”

“Anyway,” you cut her off, glancing around. Light wasn’t anywhere in sight. In that you were thankful you sister so urgently ran. “enough about him. Would you mind showing me those clubs you were talking about?” Twenty club application forms later, your sister smiled at the gates of the school.

“You’ll love it here, really, and I think the president of the astronomy club looked at your butt when we walked away.” You hummed in response. “It’ll be better than high school if that helps. Think about it, the only person from high school that’s here is—,”

“Light Yagami.” You said it together. “Roselyn, I really don’t like him. Would you mind not mentioning him, like, ever.” She tilted her head at your plea.

“If you say so. Maybe I’ll hit on him. Maybe he has a thing for older girls.” You doubted he had a thing for _any_ girls. Yuri, maybe, until you realized he probably used her to get to Raye. God, he was so _terrible_ it made your stomach churn with hatred. Every day you came closer and closer to going to the cops. Even if you didn’t have the mind Naomi had, you could say it’s from her, use her death as evidence, so her and Raye’s death would not be in vain.

“Y/N.” Your heart _stopped,_ but you smiled through it and turned around to face the boy. He was smiling, like everything was fine. “You sounded like you failed when we spoke after the test, but you made it in. Congratulations.”

“Yeah, thanks, Light. Congrats to you too, even though we all knew you’d make it in.” You laughed awkwardly. Your sister’s eyes were boring into you. “Oh, Light. This is my sister, Roselyn. She goes here too.” He smiled at her too. That same smile he gives everybody else.

“Sorry, you had the misfortune of knowing my sister in high school. She’s a hand-full.” Your sister either just threw you under the bus and apologized in your case because she figured you hated him for no reason, or she was just trying to break the ice with a joke. You weren’t angry at her. No, you expected her to pull something like this. Man, if she knew the boy she was talking to was _Kira,_ she’d be melting.

“Misfortune? Y/N one of the smartest people I know. Even though she was quiet and solitary in school, she was a hard-worker and always got grades second only to mine.” Your sister was in disbelief. She looked pointedly at you. “She graduated second in our class.”

“You graduated _second in your class,_ and you didn’t even tell us?” You shrugged.

“Honestly, I didn’t care about my rank. I just worked so I could get out of high school and get into a good university. I just took this entrance exam just to see if I could get in. I had no expectations…” you laughed it off, hoping your sister would get the message that you wanted _nothing more than to get out of that situation because you were in front of a criminal who may or may not know you know he is one and you were heckin’ scared._

“Always putting yourself down, Y/N. You’re smarter than you think you are. Even I knew that when you moved here,” Light said, and you knew your sister was thinking how in the world you hated such a wonderful kid. No one hates the tip of the iceberg that could easily be broken. They hate the endless bottom that crashes the ship, but you don’t see it until you crash into it.

“Wow, no wonder you’re the class rep. Y/N, you never told me you had a friend like him. I didn’t know you were that smart. You never even brought your test scores home. Geez,” she was oblivious to your discomfort. Her eyes trained on the boy who was smiling down at you while you stared at a tree, then a bush, then anything else except Light Yagami.

“Anyway, we should get going. Or else we’re going to be late for… that thing,” she furrowed her brows.

“What thing?”

“The _thing._ You know, the thing we can’t be late for. Yeah, see you Light—,”

“Y/N. I was hoping we could talk.”

“Haha, we really have to go. Maybe later? Yeah, just catch me around some other time because we _really really_ have to go right at this second goodbye.” You gripped your sister’s wrist with iron and dragged her away.

“What the hell is wrong with you? Light is _so_ nice. Why do you hate him so much? He just complimented you so much back there.” She snatched her hand back and looked accusingly at you.

“Light… isn’t what he seems. Everyone at that ceremony was in awe at the sight of him, but they don’t know him. There’s… a dark side to him that no one sees, ever. You don’t have to believe me but please _please_ don’t make me speak to him, and don’t associate yourself with him. I hate him, _so much._ ” Your sister was drowning in confusion.

“I… I was just kidding when I said that maybe he likes older girls. If you’re so dead set on staying away from him… then I will, but I expect an explanation as to why. He must have really fucked up if you’re showing this much emotion towards him.”

“He doesn't care about anything. Sure, he was nice to everyone’s faces, but push comes the shove, he used so many people to get what he wants. He’s manipulative, and I can’t stand him.” Though generally, when people confessed their feelings they knew it was a no, but everything else was fairly accurate.

“Yeah, what a dick. I hate guys like that. No wonder you despise him so much. I could see how so many people fell for him. He had my heart at first glance too. If he wasn’t like that, I would have set up an arranged marriage.” Logically. If he wasn’t “like that” you would have set up an arranged marriage too, and you weren’t alone.

No, everyone watching that tennis match wanted to marry him too. At first, you didn’t realize that it was him and the other class rep playing in the most intense tennis match you’ve seen outside the professional range until the girl you were walking with from class pointed it out.

“Do you want to check it out?” she asked. You nodded, carefully trekking down half the hill to the tennis court to see them playing it out. Of course, it was him. It’s always him, and of course, he was brilliant at tennis, because what was he _not_ good at. It frustrated you to no end. “Are you alright?” she asked.

“Yeah. It’s just really intense.”

“Yeah, I agree. Aren’t they our class representatives? Wow. They’re smart and super athletic. I wonder if Light has a girlfriend…”

“No,” you replied. “He doesn’t.”

“You know him?” You huffed.

“We went to high school together. We never really talked, so I don’t know much about him, but I know he’s single, and I know he’s not the type to actively seek a significant other.” She giggled anyway.

“Well, I think him and the other rep he’s playing would make a cute couple. Do you think he’s… you know?” Gay? Does she think Light is gay? Well, it was certainly a possibility. He went out the Yuri, sure, but he was only using her. Still, you couldn’t presume that he only liked girls.

“Maybe. That’d be a scandal. The two class reps dating. Oh my lord.” You both broke into a loud giggling fit, catching the attention of those around you. And those on the court. Light met your eyes, and your smile fell. You turned your head, pretending to check for something behind you, then returned your gaze to check if he turned away. He didn’t.

“Why is he staring at me?” your new friend asked. You shrugged.

“Maybe he thinks you’re attractive.” She blushed at the thought.

“Do you think so?”

“Well, he went out with a girl in high school, so he’s interested in girls from what we know, so that’s good. Maybe you're the one that... stands out to him? ” She laughed. Light focused back on the match at hand, and never looked back at the two of you. The crowd dispersed once the set was over, and you weren’t even sure who won. You only stayed because you didn’t want to leave your new friend alone and give off a bad impression. Of course, you figured out she liked you a little more because you knew Light, but besides for that she was nice, and you felt good, too. Perhaps she would be one of your first real friends.

“Hey, where are you going?” She asked when you went to stand up and leave.

“The match is over, so…” She shook her head.

“Can you introduce me to Light? Please,” your tongue ran along your top teeth. “It’s okay if you don’t want to, but I’d really appreciate it.” You couldn’t ruin your first impression on her. Reluctantly, you nodded. “Thanks so much! I owe you.” This would be awkward.

You didn’t remember her name from class.

She waited eagerly on the hill where you still stood, watching Light gather his things and place them in his bag. Once out of the court, she jumped to her feet and led you to intersect his path. His face lit up at the sight of you two.

“Oh, hey, Y/N. I thought I saw you while I was playing.” You nodded.

“Yeah, hey. My friend wanted to meet you. This is Light. Light Yagami.” She stuck out her hand.

“Hi! I’m Harue. Y/N here said she knew you, and I saw you at the ceremony. I just wanted to meet the class rep, that’s all.” That’s all your ass. A monkey could tell how much of a lie that is, and who knows how many girls came up to him saying the same thing. Light smiled.

“It’s nice to meet you, Harue. A friend of Y/N’s is a friend of mine, right?” He looked at you now. You hadn’t realized how sharp his face had gotten. How did he look so much older than in high school? You still looked like you were twelve. You nodded.

“Well, if that’s all, I have to get going. I have class soon, and I’m still not sure where I’m heading. I’ll see you guys—,”

“What class?” Light asked.

“Uh, English. My personal best subject, considering…” you hummed urgently.

“Me too. I’ll walk with you, as long as you don’t mind waiting for me to get washed up. How about you. Harue?” She shook her head.

“No, I have calc now.”

“Y/N and I got our calculus credits in high school, thankfully. I’ll see you later, Harue.” Harue nodded eagerly, standing still while Light followed you when you began to walk away. “So, how are your first weeks here?” You shrugged. You tried your best to ignore the pit in your stomach.

“Nice,” you replied. “How about yours?”

“About the same. It’s funny how many people are introducing themselves to me. I must have left a good impression on them.” You hummed. Your eyes were trained on the ground. “Too bad I didn’t leave a good impression on everyone I’ve met.” Your head shifted to his.

“Who? The other class rep?” He shook his head.

“No, not him. You.”

“M-me? What are you talking about? You were super nice to me those few times we spoke. How could you have given me a bad impression?” God, you knew he saw right through you. You tried to play it off with a weak smile.

“It’s obvious, isn’t it? You avoid me on campus, you hurry out of the classes we share, and whenever we make eye contact you look away then run. I must have done something wrong to deserve that.” Was he messing with you? Was he expecting you to reveal something about your knowledge of him?

“Oh, I’m sorry. It’s just that you’re so great, always have been, and I’m… not. I just felt I wasn’t good enough to talk to you, so I avoided you so you don’t have to be seen with me. Sorry…” That’s right, feed his ego, because that’s so smart. He chuckled.

“Why would you think that? Just because I’m smart doesn’t mean I look down on anybody.” Oh wow. Wow. That’s hypocritical, isn’t it? Still, he was playing his innocent boy act well.

“I’m sorry I presumed. I tend to overthink a lot, but you still don’t have to lower yourself to my level.”

“Stop saying that I’m lowering myself, Y/N. We’re alumni. Sure, we didn’t speak a lot in high school since you moved here, but that doesn’t mean we’re strangers, and we’ve known each other longer than we’ve known any of these students.” No wonder why everyone fell for him. What a schmoozer.

“Sorry—,”

“You should stop apologizing too.”

“Yeah, sorry.” You smirked. “I meant to say it that time, don’t worry. Still, you don’t need to worry about me, but I’ll try to be more confident in myself. If that’s all, I think the other class rep is looking for you.” You darted away while you still could. “Who does he think he is?” You muttered. “Trying to _support_ me and _give me advice._ ‘We’re alumni, we’re not strangers,’ code for, ‘I know you’re onto me, so I’m going to put on my good boy act.’ I can’t stand him.”

You made your way to the police station.


	5. The Right Choice

For the record, this situation played much better in your head. In your mind, you pictured yourself striding in there with full confidence and demanding to see the task force with crucial information about the Kira case. It was pretty badass until you looked at yourself in reality. Gawking at the building like it was going to be your prison for the next hundred years, you stood at the edge of the sidewalk in order to stay out of the way of everyone. You swallowed. It wasn’t the time for you to chicken out, was it? Still, why weren’t your feet moving? Just _do it._

“Y/N!” You wondered if fate just really, _really_ had it out for you. Your head snapped in the direction of the voice to see the person you wanted to see the least at this very moment walking next to his fellow rep, tennis opponent, and possible date. You bit back your frustration and grinned at the pair.

“Oh, Light, fancy seeing you around… again, and… Hideki Ryuga, right? Like the actor? Nice to meet you.” You bowed politely. “Saw you at the entrance ceremony. Well, everyone did I guess.”

“What are you doing here?” You looked to Light, and he had no ounce of suspicion in his eyes. His good boy act was up in all its glory, and you’d look pretty bad if you were to be aggressive towards it. You searched his face for a trace of anything: suspicion, anger, the ‘I-know-what-you’re-up-to” look, but there was nothing. His defense was high. Probably because of the one next to him.

“Oh, I was just on my way home, and I zoned out. How about you two? Where are you off to?” Away from here, if you were lucky. You crossed your feet and linked your hands behind your back.

“I invited Ryuga here out for a drink. Would you like to come—,”

“No,” you answered abruptly. “I mean, I can’t. I have some chores and homework to do. My mom’s a little crazy. Thanks for the invite, though.” A shame you had to throw him under the bus. “I’ll see you guys around then?” You didn’t make any indication of moving, and neither did they.

“Were you about to go into the station?’ It was Ryuga. His eyes bored into yours and rattled your bones. He was so… unsettling like he always knew what you were thinking and when you were lying by gazing into your very soul. Weird.

“N-no. I was just looking at it. Like I said, I zoned out. Anyway, I should get going. Bye.” You turned and sped down the sidewalk, urgently dodging the oncoming crowd. Tomorrow. Tomorrow would be the day that you go to the station. You had to. There was no more chickening out. “No more.”

“Yes, no more mumbling, you psycho,” your sister groaned beside you on the living room couch. She glanced to you sharply. “What’s gotten you so distressed anyway? The past couple of months you’ve been so weird. Muttering to yourself, looking around weird like someone’s gonna come in and kill you. You didn't get into any bad groups, right?”

“I’ve been in college for like thirty seconds. No, I’ve just been stressed out these days.”

“Boy problems?” You furrowed your brows at her. Roselyn rolled her head along the arm of the couch to look at you innocently. “Don’t look at me like that. What else do you want me to ask? If you have a stalker?”

“No and no. No boy. No stalker. Just stressed. Like I said, _stressed._ ”

“Yeah, fuck that Light guy.”

“What does he have to do with anything? I—What makes you think this has anything to do with him? Stop talking about him anyway. ”

“I have eyes on campus. I heard you were talking to him. Apparently, you looked pretty distressed. Generally, girls that go up to him are pretty… zealous. My friend thought it was weird you weren’t as excited. I explained to her you two have a history from high school, so, if he is the one bothering you, remember he’s just a pretty—gorgeous—face. Nothing you should be stressed over.”

“Thanks for giving me advice on something I already knew.”

“A boy?”

“ _No mom._ No boy.” Your mom pouted in the frame from the kitchen. You strained your neck so you could look at her. “Don’t give me that face. When has a boy ever, _ever_ been in the question? Literally never.”

“Well, Light carried your—,”

_"Fuck_ Light Yagami.” You and your sister’s voices mixed to one tune like an orchestra, and you both burst into laughter. “Seriously, mom. Him and I weren’t anything but acquaintances. He was simply being polite to me that day, and I didn’t want to be the rude one and say no.” Your sister nodded.

“He broke her _heart.”_

“What?” You sat up straight.

“What? The only way you could hate him so passionately is if he did something to you. It’s obvious. You don’t have to hide it from me.” You wanted to laugh, but you decided to allow her to believe that. That way, you’d have an excuse for hating him that was believable. “He was probably the only guy you’ve ever liked, right? Don’t act so surprised, I know these things.” At this point, your mother moved to stand behind the couch your sister was sprawled on.

“But you can’t hate him forever. One day, if you need something from him, you’ll be regretting that hatred. Hatred only leads to mistakes. You should learn to forgive.” You didn’t know how to reply, and Roselyn just put a pillow over her face to avoid the whole situation. “If your brother were here, he’d tell you.”

“If my brother was here, he’d laugh in my face for being open with my feelings about _anything ever._ So don’t glorify him now when he’s gone.” Your mother rolled her eyes and returned to the kitchen to sit on the counter and resume her book.

“I miss our dear brother. Damn him and his ‘getting a job,’ crap. Leave us all alone like we’re nothing!” She was jesting, of course. You both missed your brother, and his absence was incredibly impactful around the house. “No one to dump chores on us anymore.” Truthfully, you blamed your brother for the mess you were in. If he hadn’t gotten you—if you hadn’t agreed so easily to run for groceries—you wouldn’t have run into Raye or Light or anything. Sure, Oliver might have, and he probably would handle your situation must better than you have.

“If he does score that job, we could move back,” you spoke on a serious note. “We can go back to the States.” Your sister looked at you like you had grown five heads.

“Go back? Why would we do that?” Roselyn adapted to wherever she was. Back home, here, and wherever she ends up next, she would fit in. You, on the other hand, you were a nobody home and here, and, by how things were going, wherever you ended up next, which is the grave if you don’t go to that goddamn station tomorrow.

“I want to. Recently, I want to even more.”

“Why?”

“Just like it home better. That’s all.”

You retired to your room soon after, preparing your pajamas and hopping into the shower. With the running water, you didn’t hear anything. Not until you opened the bathroom door damp in your robe and your mother was standing so close you almost headbutted her. “Shit—mom. What are you doing standing there?”

“There’s a boy in the basement.”

“ _There’s a boy in the basement?_ The hell? Did you kidnap someone during my shower or something?”

“He came in asking for you. I told him. I told him you were in the shower, but he said it was important. Even your sister, who cursed the heck out of him, he managed to convince her to come in, too.”

“So you put him in the basement? Mom, he’s going to think we’re serial killers or something. Who is it? Why did you let a stranger in the house? What if _he is_ a serial killer.” She laughed.

“It’s not a serial killer, but I let him in for your sake. It’s Light Yagami. I think he’s here to patch things up with you. He looked earnest, and I think you should give him a chance—no, you _are_ going to give him a chance because he’s in the house now.” Yes. Not a killer. You sigh came out shaky. “I know you probably don’t want to confront him, but I’m looking for out for your best interest.” She smiled sweetly and disappeared down the stairs. Why did God hate you so much? You wondered why as you threw on shorts and a t-shirt. You sister watched gravely as you walked to your basement door.

“If someone dies, call the cops,” you said before closing the door behind you. Each step shrieked as you made it down the short flight, foreshadowing your coming death, you imagined. You stopped at the bottom, watching Light Yagami’s back carefully by the bookshelf. He turned to fully face you.

“I think it’s about time we had a heart-to-heart, isn’t it, Y/N?” He slowly walked around the recliner and sat on its leather arm. His Mr. Nice-Guy voice was gone. It was frightening, just the gaze he was giving you.

“Haha, before you do that, sorry to get right to the point, but I’m not going to play this game with myself anymore. This is going to be blunt, and I _may_ die. Are you… are you really… Kira…? I mean, nah, no way, right? Unless...?” He looked at your form from under his bangs and it was all the answer you needed. “Oh, good..” You ran a hand through your hair.

“When did you figure it out?”

“Naomi. You’re… not the only one that lied. She told me Kira—you—can kill with other ways than heart attacks, and things didn’t add up. When I asked you about when you spoke to her, it only took some—a lot—of thinking—and self-doubt—to figure it out and pray I was wrong, because I’m not smart like you, but there was nothing else that could be true. I didn’t tell anybody, and I don’t plan to. Really. Just don’t… don’t kill me. I swear your secret is safe. Not even my mom knows.” It was quiet for a few deathly moments, and you figured it was him commanding your death in whatever way he does it. Your head lowered, and you didn’t realize you were beginning to cry.

Then he started to laugh. Your head snapped up and he was grinning down at you like you were his dinner and frankly it made you want to cry a little bit more.

“I told you that you were smart, Y/N. I knew you figured me out that day, too, and your subsequent actions just confirmed it, but I couldn’t let you go running around any longer, my loose end. Luckily for me, you kept quiet, and for that, I have to commend you. But kill you? You mustn’t know very well how Kira works.” You took hesitant steps, and leaned on the nearby love seat, fidgeting your hands together.

“What do you mean?” You wiped away the beginnings of tears fervently, bleakly hoping he didn’t catch sight of your weakness.

“I created what the world named Kira to create a better world. A world without criminals. A world with only the kind-hearted and hard-working. People like you, Y/N. Killing innocents is wrong, even I know that, but people that obstruct my path, they must die, like Raye Penber. Anybody who would get in my way would die.”

“But how? I mean, how do you… kill them.” From his pocket, he pulled out his wallet, and from there a simple white piece of lined paper. Between two fingers, he held it up to you. “Uh… a paper cut?” He chuckled.

“More than a paper cut. Whosever name I write on this paper dies of whatever means I desire. This is a piece of a notebook of a Shinigami, a God of death. With this, I have the power to become God of the new world.” In any other world, you wouldn’t believe him, but you did, easily. With fantastical deaths comes a fantastical way of killing, and you really didn’t want to ask him to prove it.

“Did this God… give it to you?”

“I found it one day at school. I watched it fall from the sky.” You were going to roll with it. “I knew there was no one else that would do it, so why not me? The power was in my hands, Y/N. You see it too, right? I’m the only hope for mankind. The only one who can create a new world from this rotten one is me. You never reported your suspicions to the NPA. You never confronted me, even though you knew the truth. You knew. That means you must see it too.” You nodded. Oh yeah, you saw it.

He was fucking crazy.

Why are you telling me this?” His eyes bore into yours earnestly. So much so you almost fell back into the cushions you were leaning on.

“I don’t want to kill you, Y/N, but don’t think I’m afraid to and don’t think it’s just you. I’ll kill your entire family, even the one in America, so no self-sacrifice will help you. You can’t go against me.” Your weight fell onto the couch's arm.

“It sounds like you’re about to make me do something. I already told you that I’m not going to tell anyone. You said it yourself! I never said anything before, to anyone.”

“That’s not good enough anymore. If it was, I wouldn’t be here. I need to know you won’t betray me. Hideki Ryuga? That’s L, and he suspects that I’m Kira, and, if he’s smart, he’ll ask you what you know after what happened today outside the station. I need to know that you won’t say anything. To anyone.” You shook your head.

“I won’t, and now that you’ve threatened both me and my family, I really won’t tell. Like I said, I’m not going to throw you under the bus. If I didn’t before, when I had the opportunity to, I won’t now.” Light stood at his full height. Your hands gripped the leather arm as you watched him dip his head to your current sitting height. You swallowed.

“And that’s not _enough.”_

“What else do you want? Do you want me to build your temple like the Greek gods? Start piling stones and gathering your followers? You already practically have a religion.” He backed off.

“The only way for me to know you won’t be betraying me is if you stay close.” He put his hands in his pockets. “Now that I think about it, I never asked you what you thought about Kira. Everyone in school always spoke their opinions, but you never did. Not that you spoke much at all. To anyone—,”

“Yes, yes, I get the point,” you bit out, shooting him a glare. “I—I don’t know what to tell you. I’ve never had an opinion on him—you. I guess I never cared. Sorry. It seemed like it was just another problem for the world to solve. I didn’t care because I knew I wouldn’t be involved. It wouldn’t _be_ my problem. The privilege I exude. ” You paused and stood up straight, taking a few steps forward. “What do you mean close? Like, help you? That’s not like you. Unlikely. What do you have planned?”

You didn’t know Light Yagami well, but you knew him well enough to know he used people, and he was using you now. Making you sound important enough to “stay close,” but you weren’t sure you had another option.

“You can say no,” you couldn’t, “but that just means I’d have to get rid of you, but not so soon. You’re too close to me for L to know you died. It’d be too convenient. I’d kill someone in your family. Your sister, maybe? Then it wouldn’t be so suspicious. You, of all people, should know I won’t hesitate to get rid of the ones in my way.” You shook your head, taking a few steps towards the flight of stairs so you didn’t face him anymore.

“That won’t be necessary. I’ll do whatever you want, Light, but, like you said, you don’t kill innocent people, right? As long as you don’t do that, I’ll be… a little less than okay but not like okay but fine with it.” You couldn’t bring yourself to look fully at him, so you twisted your head so your chin was even with your shoulder and you could only see him through your peripheral vision. No, you _weren’t_ fine with it, but what other choice did you have? Let you and your family die because you hated this kid? Out of the question. It was a killer you were dealing with, not some high school bully. He took a few steps to stand right behind you

“See? You’re not stupid.” You could feel his breath near the top of your ear and by god you wanted to vomit more than ever. He placed a hand on your shoulder like he was a proud dad or something.

“You gave me an ultimatum.” You hissed, swiping his hand from your shoulder and pivoting to face him. “I gave you my word, Light, so I expect you to do the same. You won’t touch my family.”

“Of course. I’m an honest guy. You made the right choice, Y/N. We’ll build the world together. You’ll see.”

Yeah, fuck Light Yagami.


	6. Naïve

You didn’t expect anything to be different in your life besides the fact you were allegedly committing a crime by assisting and keeping a criminal’s identity secret, and not just any run-of-the-mill criminal. The criminal of the century. After Light left with a polite bow to your family, you were bombarded with inquisition. You shook them all off, telling them you were too tired and would tell them tomorrow. By tomorrow, you figured they’d let you go until at least dinner, but you shouldn’t have given your sister that much credit.

“Y/N, what did that scumbag want?” Your sister walked next to you on your way to university. Your hands were buried deep in your pockets and your eyes were starting to resemble Ryuga’s. Roselyn missed the message you sent by your reluctance to answer. “Seriously. You look like crap.” Abruptly, you stopped walking and looked sharply at her.

“Roselyn, I really appreciate the concern, but I have… things to work out from last night. I promise I’ll tell you when I have it all figured out, but, for now, just trust me.” She didn’t want to believe you, and, frankly, you didn’t believe yourself either. You shook your head. Her eyes narrowed.

“Fine, if you say so, but if I see that worthless, son of a—,”

“ _No._ Don’t finish that statement. Just ignore him. Please.” She rolled her eyes and huffed.

“Fine. If you need anything, just let me know.” You nodded, then resumed to walk by her side. You didn’t necessarily believe she wouldn’t wring his neck on first sight, or have her apparent system of spies tie him to the flagpole naked, but maybe it wouldn’t be a bad thing, thinking about it again. Still, Light suddenly becoming a victim of bullying would be suspicious enough. Who on campus would have a reason to abhor Light Yagami besides you? He’d figure it out. That was your strategy. Presume Light knew and/or would figure out everything because he could. He could do everything.

“And that’s why it’s so awful,” you muttered. Your sister broke off to the arts and sciences building while you strode across campus to the university center. Your hands gripped the straps of your backpack, eyes trained on the passing cobblestone of the ground.

“Y/N,” someone called, and your froze for half a second that it was Light, but turned around and saw a petite brunette hurrying to catch up with you. Harue smiled as she breathed heavily by your side. “Hi. On your way to center?” You nodded. “Me too. Did you manage to read those chapters we were assigned? I tried to but… it didn’t work out well with my… other activities.” 

"Yeah, I did.” She grinned, leaning into you.

“Would you mind giving me a quick rundown of it on our way? I’d really appreciate it.” You nodded, beginning to mumble off the contents of the chapter. You weren’t sure if she was actually listening, but it at least gave you a refresher on what you reviewed. You didn’t stop until you were seated in the lecture hall, backpack on the floor and the book and tablet in front of you. “I can’t believe I thought it was smart to take an 8 am. I want to die.”

“At least you get class over with early.” She groaned, arms extended over the top of the desk with her laid in between them. She rolled her head to observe you.

“Yeah, and I’m tired _all day.”_

“But you’re not too tired at night, from what I hear.” She guffawed, rubbing her forehead on the desk. She returned her gaze to you, playfully glaring.

“Low blow. I totally didn’t deserve that.” As if realizing something, her head popped up and she looked at you with wide, alert eyes. “Wait—what do you mean ‘from what you hear?’ Are people talking about me? What did you hear?” You shrugged, flipping through the pages of your notebook nonchalantly.

“Nothing, nothing. It’s not bad, really. Since you’re a first-year, no one really cares because the upperclassmen think we’re weird anyway. What with Hideki Ryuga and his… you know, they think we’re all nuts, so you could kill a man and they’ll turn their heads. But I heard about the... incident.” You shrugged.

“What about it?” You shook your head.

"Just some unfortunate bathroom situation. The campus police?” Harue raised her head to sit straight.

“If you hear anything, you better clear my name, you hear? I don’t want _him_ to think that I’m disgusting or anything. I still work and study hard and get good grades.” You furrowed your brows, setting your fist on your cheek and regarding her.

“Him? Someone catch your eye?” She groaned, chin falling to her chest.

Yeah, me and every other person in this school. Even the upperclassmen are into him! And they’re all mature and _hot._ How could he ever notice _me_ if they’re here! All over him! Everyone, _ever.”_ You rose a brow at her to urge her to elaborate. She sighed, head flying from her chest to face the ceiling. Slouching in her chair, she continued. “I know it’s still early into the semester, but he’s just so… perfect.” You needn’t any more information.

“Ah, Light.” Immediately, she perked up at the name. “Don’t worry. The only reason I knew is because it was just like this in high school too. Everyone loved him. Admired him. Believed they were the one he would fall for. The only girl to ever succeed was one, but… they don’t even talk anymore, so she’s out of the picture.” Her eyes implored you to say more. “Don’t ask me his type or what he likes in people. Who knows. It’s the biggest mystery in our world.”

“Well, what was that girl like? Maybe that would help me?” She gasped, perking in her seat more and looking around swiftly before leaning into you. “That’s it! It’s you! You’re the ticket! The key! You don’t like him like that, right?” You shook your head. “Then you really are! You’re the one that could help him take interest in me! Just so I could score a date with him. You’ll help me, right?” You swallowed, fists clenching in your lap.

“I… don’t know. Him and I don’t have a good history…” you muttered, taking one hand off your lap to scratch the back of your head. “It might not work out the best—,”

“Nonsense! He can’t hate anyone! Have you ever spoken to him? He’s so nice! He looked thrilled to see you after that tennis match. Y/N, please. If you’re really uncomfortable with it, you don’t have to, but I’d really appreciate it. So much. I’d owe you big time. I’d be your _slave—,_ ”

“Woah, I’d like to know the context of this conversation,” Harue nearly gasped, looking up at the source as it sat down on the other side of you.

“L-Light! Yeah, I just asked if Y/N could help me with something. That’s all.” Curse core classes. Once they were done with, your major would split entirely off into a different track than Light’s, but the future was too far away for that.

“Really? Well, I’m sure she’ll say yes. She’s a pretty reliable friend.”

“Oh? You two are friends?” You sat stone still in the middle of them, eyes focused on the empty podium in the front. Where was the professor when you needed her? Your fists began to tighten again.

“Yeah, of course. Her and I have been since high school. Right, Y/N?” You nodded. You really couldn’t bring yourself to form any words. “She was quiet when she moved here from America, but I think she’s opened up. Don’t you?” Harue glanced from him to you.

“You’re from the US?”

“I presumed you figured it out. Sorry.” Light chuckled next to you, leaning over the desk to look at Harue.

“She hardly talks about herself. That’s why she needs someone to do it for her.” You smiled tightly, searching for any sign of the professor. Harue laughed, but it wasn’t really that funny. “She was second in our class, and I was the one who had to tell her sister. I bet they don’t even know about me.”

“You?”

“ _You?”_ Both you and Harue looked at him. The girl beside you oozed suspicion while you challenged him to continue his thought. He glanced at you and for just that moment his façade dropped. You knew he was working in accordance with whatever idea he had in his head. He snickered.

“Don’t get creative. They most likely don’t know about how we’re friends. We’ve never hung out at her house.” _Oh, but I’ve hung out at yours?_ You wanted to spit back, but that would elicit suspicion from Harue, so you just smiled tightly again flipped a page in your notebook.

“So you two are close?”

“Just friends,” you replied hastily. Harue observed you, and you pleaded with your eyes. A sigh of relief left her and she leaned to look at the boy behind you.

“That’s good to have someone here from high school. I don’t know anyone here,” she sighed, crossing her arms.

“That’s not true. You have Y/N. And, well, you have me too. Any friend of Y/N’s is a friend of mine.” He smiled and you _knew_ that she was in love. Anyone would be if they were the victim of it. Harue gave a smile of her own, shifting comfortably in her seat. The professor decided ten minutes late was the perfect time to walk in. Before she began, you glanced at Light, and he, knowingly, returned your gaze, probably reading your mind. He smirked. You huffed, focusing back on the woman in front opening her mouth to speak.

When movement in the lecture hall began, you mused over to Harue, her sprawled arms over the desk, and her even breath. You weren’t sure of exactly when she lost her consciousness, but you wondered how long she’d stay out cold. Stretching your hand, you moved to shake her awake.

“Don’t,” Light’s voice came short and stern. He regarded you from the step above the row of seats you were at over his shoulder. “Do you really want her to follow us around? Or, me, more specifically.” You furrowed your brows at the kid. He sighed, like your confusion was a burden to him, and continued. “Come on. You really think she keeps talking to you because you’re you? Don’t be so naïve. Tell me, why was she so excited before I walked in?” He mused. You bit your bottom lip, shifting your gaze to the slumbering girl. “She’ll wake up eventually. Come on.” Grumbling, you acquiesced and followed him out of the hall.

“You’re wrong,” you said, walking past him when he held the door open to the outside. He tilted his head, amused.

“Am I?”

“Yes, she was friends with me before she met you at the tennis match.” He hummed.

“For how long?”

“Huh?” He snickered.

“For how long were you friends before you introduced her to me?” Continuing to walk forward down the stone path away from the university center towards the quad, you kept your head forward, swiftly wracking your brain for a believable lie, while he watched in mock innocence. You shook your head.

“It doesn’t matter. Why does it matter? I think I’m better company than you are.” He laughed at that, hands lightly hovering over his stomach. You huffed, glancing at the overhead trees to wait for him to stop. “Laugh all you want. I don’t see you going out on the weekends.” He rose a meticulous brow at you.

“Oh? And you do?” You cleared your throat.

“Yes. This Friday. This Friday there’s a party at the sixth street frat house. Harue has an in, and she asked if I wanted to go.” His hands dug themselves into his pockets.

“Hm, that one. Do you really think I didn’t get invited? I’ve never been the one that isn’t invited. I’m sure you know that.” You pivoted swiftly, moving to stand in front of him and stop both your movements. For a moment, his eyes widened, and he stopped himself in order not to run into you.

“Good. So, I’ll see you there?”

“You’re really going to go? You?” You rolled your eyes.

“I said I am. Will Mr. Perfect-Student-Rep be there too? Or do you _not_ want to tarnish that… perfect reputation you have with—almost—everyone? It doesn’t matter to me. I know some people just don’t have the guts for it. I won’t judge you more than I already do.” His mouth pursed, then broke into a smirk, and your sudden burst of confidence faltered. He began to walk again, shoulder brushing yours.

“Of course I’ll be there.” You watched as his figure continued down the path, and realized that you had to take back the hard pass you gave Harue, and probably go back and wake her up.

“You want to go now? _You?_ You’re, like, the biggest virgin.” You smacked her in the face with a piece of bread. “What? It’s true. You can’t even say the word penis.” You clicked your tongue, placing your recent weapon back on the top of your sandwich. You and Harue sat in the food court waiting on some of her friends to show.

“I am _not_ the biggest virgin—how can you even measure the degree of virginity? Radians? Degrees?”

“That’s how.” You shot a quick glare at her. She unceremoniously placed her drink back on the table. “Oh, come on. You’re the modern Virgin Mary, Y/N. Have you ever seen a dick before?” You felt your face heat up. “You _haven’t?_ That was supposed to be a joke but… really? Never? No porn?” You waved your hand to signal her to stop.

“That’s not important! What does me going to that party have to do with my sex life?”

“Because you’re going to _hate_ it. Have you ever caught a whiff of weed? Or drank alcohol? Smoked anything? That’s what happens, and I don’t want you to come _crying_ to me about how horrible it is that three guys and two girls ground on you within a span of three minutes.” You bit your bottom lip, ignoring the nervous beating in your chest.

“Harue, please. For the amount of homework I’ve given you, _please_ can you take me? We just walk in together, and that’s it. You never have to see me again for the rest of the night. You can pretend you don’t even know me.” She rolled her eyes.

“You’re not getting it, Y/N. People talk, and they’re going to say it was _me_ who brought that loser-nerd girl—no, you’re not a loser-nerd, but that’s what they’ll call you if you turn into a party-pooper—and ruined the party if you do end up being… you know, you. No offense, really. It’s not your scene.” You laid back in your seat, slouching and looking around. You’d have to play dirty.

“Light’s going to be there.” She almost choked.

“W-what?” You shrugged, sitting back up in your seat and picking up your lunch from your tray.

“Yeah, Light’s going to be there. I think it’ll look pretty good to him that you’re with me since _a friend of mine is a friend of his._ You would have the upper hand in drunking him up enough to spill his feelings. Just no nonconsensual stuff. Then I’ll get mad.” Harue pondered this with a wild grin on her face. Her eyes shot up to meet yours.

“How do you know?”

“Told me this morning in class. Probably when you were asleep, but since you are _so_ adamant about me not going, I won’t bother you with it anymore…”

“No!” She laughed. “I was just messing with you. Everyone has to lose their party-virginity sometime. I’ll be _right_ there with you. Oh, hey guys.” You twisted in your chair. Two guys and one girl approached from behind you, the taller boy sitting next to you, and the other two across from you, next to Harue. “This is Y/N. Y/N, That,” she pointed to the one next to you, “is Katsu. This,” the girl next to her, “is Nori, and that’s Takao. He’s on the school’s basketball team.” You bowed your head to them. “Y/N, here, is going to her first college party this Friday.”

“Your first? Ever?” Katsu asked. You nodded. “Wow, what have you been doing all this time? Studying?” Woah, studying, in _college?_ How insane. Harue answered for you.

“She’s brilliant. She went to the same high school as Light Yagami, and was second only behind him.” Nori regarded you now with more interest.

“So you know Light, then?” Her voice was sultry and mistrustful. Her very gaze made it seem like she could eat you up. You nodded. Harue intervened again.

“But she doesn’t like him like that. Trust me, I already made sure. She’s going to help me get with him on Friday.” The table was taken aback.

“Light’s going on Friday?”

“According to our reliable source,” she motioned to you, “he is. So she’s going to be my wingman. Right?” You nodded for the third time. You glanced at Nori, who was still watching you like she was waiting for you to make a wrong move to call you out for it. You cleared your throat. “Don’t worry. We can trust Y/N. She’s a huge virgin.”

“Is that really something that defines my character? Why is that important?” You bit out hastily. Nori giggled.

“Of course it's important. You have integrity people like us… don’t have. Once that’s gone, it’s like you’re a dirty old rag. You save it, hang it on your stove while it's new and clean, but once it’s used, you use it again and again and again, until it’s old and worn out. That’s what it’s like.” You really, _really_ didn’t agree with her, but you nodded anyway. What did it matter if you were a virgin or not? Plus, why did she care? Also, why did Harue say it like it was a title you had? It irritated you, but you didn’t show it did. Instead, you scratched the back of your neck and continued to eat. “Have you ever thought about losing it?”

You thought about your answer. If you bit it out angrily, she would think that you’re protective of it, and disdainful about her prying; however, if you just shrug your shoulders, she would pry more, thinking you had something to hide about it.

“I think every person has. I’m not twelve.” You grinned when you spoke so it didn’t come out as hostile.

“Oh? Then, what did you imagine it as?” You glanced to Harue, silently hoping she would stop her friend’s interrogation, but she looked to you with the same amount of interest. Perhaps if they were closer to you, then you’d be more open to talking about it, but you just met! Was this really okay? Were people usually like this? You didn’t know. Lord knows in high school no one approached, especially in such a manner, so you were at a loss. “Saving it for marriage, maybe?” What made you more uncomfortable: the tall male looking down on you next to you that you just met, or the scrutiny of the interrogator? Your face was heating up again.

“Probably hurts. Maybe it gets better. Maybe it doesn’t. Maybe it’s someone I care about, and have known. Maybe it’s some hot stranger I just met. I never thought about tangible possibilities. When it happens, it happens. If it doesn’t. it doesn’t.”

“Is Light Yagami a virgin?” Nori’s eyes were elsewhere when she asked. You followed her gaze to see the boy in question walking in, looking around for most likely an empty table. You shrugged your shoulders.

“I’ve never heard otherwise, but anything’s possible. I don’t know his nightlife.” The guy next to you snickered.

“That obnoxious prick? There’s no way he’s not a virgin.” Harue shook her head.

“There’s no way he _is._ Katsu, he’s hot. A twelve out of ten, and he’s not a prick. He’s always nice to me, plus he’s smart and athletic. He has to be good in bed.” She paused. “Why do you think he’s a prick?”

“Have you seen how he looks at other people? He looks at us like we’re beneath him. Like he’s some prince we should kiss the ground for. I can’t stand him. Fuckin’ know-it-all.” You were beginning to like this Katsu. Maybe men—straight men—were more Light-repellent since they don’t fall for his pretty face, and are natural-born jealous creatures. No person likes someone they acknowledge as better than them, and you could imagine what it was like to the stereotypical man to see Light and just _know_ he’s above you.

Even though he’s certainly not, he certainly could make someone feel that way with a simple look. That, you know.

“He is better than you, Katsu,” Nori said, sitting in her seat comfortably. “Finally. A real man. I can’t wait to meet him on Friday. Oh, Y/N, you’ll introduce me, right? Just like you did for dear Harue here?” She set her chin in an elegant palm and looked to you.

“O-of course. Not a big deal. Gladly.”

“Sounds like you like him too, Nori,” Takao finally spoke up. The girl in question scoffed, turning her head to him.

“Who doesn’t? Of course, I won’t steal him away from Harue here. I’m a better friend than that.” You didn’t think she was a better friend than that. After years of observing others, your gut was screaming Nori was a terrible person. “But, Harue, if you decide he’s not what you want, let me know first.” _You two can have him_ , you bitterly thought.

It was hilarious, in your mind, how naively these girls fight over him as if he was the holy grail. How naïve everyone was of him. How easily Katsu hates him. How easily Harue loves him. How everyone so easily notices him and regards him as someone who is there. Is alive. Is someone to aspire to be, or aspire to hate. Either way, he frequented people’s minds like the wind easing in and out through a forest. Perhaps that’s how he gains such power over people. They feel so strongly towards him before a word is spoken, and nothing could be manipulated more than strong feelings.


	7. Fish Out of Water

“You’re going to _what?”_ Your sister hissed at you, shooting up into a sitting position on your bed. You knew she’d act like this. You sighed, dropping your hands from the fabrics in your closet to look at her. Roselyn’s brows were raised high, and her eyes wide and waiting for the answer she already knew. You shrugged.

“I’m going to Jirou’s party at the frat house on Sixth. Whatever the name of it is.” She shook her head.

“Oh, no you’re not. You are _not_ turning into one of _those.”_ You squinted at her in an attempt to decipher her words.

“What do you mean _one of those?_ You go to parties all the time! What makes this one different than all of yours? Should I mention the number of times I’ve had to sneak you into the house over the years?” She grunted, thrashing around in your bed until she sat up again.

“No! I don’t care that you’re going to a party! In fact, I’m super thrilled. You’re finally getting out and meeting people! Being social! But _not_ there. Y/N, those parties are the sloppiest, the worst. Nothing good happens there, ever. I don’t want you going there. Especially since the baseball team is going to be there tonight. Maybe I wouldn’t care as much if you were a seasoned partier, but… you’re you.” You should be insulted, but you couldn’t make a rebuttal. “You’re going to get hurt.” Her voice took on a gentler tone, and you had half a mind to relish in her words and follow them, but you couldn’t. You had something to prove. To Harue. To Nori. To Light. To yourself.

“I have to go, Rose. Light is going to be there, and I have to prove to him that _I_ can show up, too, that I’m _not_ that nobody from high school. I’m a new, changed person. I’m not going to drink or smoke.” She was unimpressed.

“So if you’re not going to drink, or smoke, what are you going to do? Make-up sex with Light?”

“Didn’t I just say I’m not going to drink? I would never. I’m just going to prove that I’m there, then leave. Stay until no one notices that I left. When everyone is far too gone.” She was unconvinced, but silently she rose to her feet and shoved you out of the way to look in your closet.

“None of your clothes are going to make the quota, and mine don’t fit you. The best chance you have is to go casual. That way, you don’t look too out of place.” She held a washed pair of ripped jeans and threw it onto your duvet, “but at the same time, it's going to be a million degrees in there” She held a simple black tank top in one hand, and a white tee in the other. “Accessorize properly and you should be fine. You can use my stuff if you want.” Throwing the tops on your bed, she looked at you. “I want you home before four. Try anything, I know people there. I’ll text them and have them watch out for you. I’ll know right away if you leave with anyone.” Clearly displeased with both her and yourself, she wordlessly headed for the door.

“Thanks, Rose. You know me. If anything happens, I’ll call you.” The girl turned around, eyeing you up and down.

“Don’t show up on time. The later, the better. Leave when you want. Mom’s in bed. Careful down the stairs. Don’t die. Don’t sleep with Light.” As if that was on the table in the first place, you wanted to scream, but she still believed he broke your heart, so you were going to let her believe what she will. “Also, if Jirou or any of his friends approach you, tell them who you are. Jirou is pretty cool. He’s your best bet.” There was a flush of appreciation in your body at this moment for your sister.

“Thank you.”

"Thank me when you come back unscathed. You’re entering a whole different dimension, my sister. You have no idea what you’re in for.” You wanted to reply with a ‘how bad can it be,’ but generally that’s when the TV shows cut into a terrible scene that the speaker was not prepared for, so you left it unspoken.

You weren’t a very religious person, per se. You’d show up every so often with your mom when she made you, but voluntarily it was rare. You’d joined a book club with a group of feminist old women one time in a failed attempt to regain some faith from those who have been through what you have already, but now those same women are either shaking their head at you when they see you or dead. You could only imagine what those women would think of you now, standing outside of the white and brick building, already feeling the heavy base of the music inside.

“Holy moly, what am I doing here?” You mumbled, swaying on the heels of your feet at the start of the path to the dimly lit porch. You hoped nobody saw you in your internal debate outside. Following your sister’s advice, you stood there an hour or so after the time Harue told you to show. Despite Rose’s assurances, there was twisting and pulling in your chest. What kind of monster lied in this house? Were you properly equipped for it? Would you even _survive?_ You shook your head, acknowledging your overthinking. In a spurge of confidence, you suddenly broke into long strides up the stairs and through the door.

It felt like you entered a different dimension.

It was so… heavy. The floor was brimming with bodies, grinding and moving in both smooth and ugly ways, morphed together so well you weren’t sure if you knew any of them. The air was colored with smoke, filling your nostrils and breaking you into a short coughing fit. The bass you heard outside now reverberated in through your chest and spine. Immediately, your discomfort began to show. You inched around the makeshift dance floor to the kitchen area, where various bottles and plastic cups lined the countertops, along with one girl who sat alongside them, another boy between her legs, both of whom you didn’t know.

Through the cracks between the dancers, you saw another room connected, a more living room type of room. With everyone either ignoring your presence or simply disregarding it, it was easy to slip through to the new room, and there you found your first recognizable face: Takao from the other day. He sat legs-crossed on the couch, a solo cup in his hand and seemingly observing the conversation and obnoxious laughter around him. His eyes caught yours, and lit up, smiling and waving you over. This action caused you major relief, now moving slightly more excitedly over to him. He patted his hand on the arm of the couch he sat next to, and you sat on it accordingly.

“Man, you actually came! Katsu and I were convinced you were all talk. Guess we underestimated you. You want something to drink?” You glanced around. Everyone had something in their hand—either a drink or someone’s butt—their hands were on something. Not wanting to stick out, you nodded.

“But I don’t know what I would want…” Takao laughed at your response, unfolding his legs and standing up straight.

“Never drank before? Oh wait, let me guess, you’ve had champagne at your cousin’s wedding, right?” He expected you to laugh or agree, but his smile faltered at your response.

“I gave my glass to my brother, actually,” he shook his head, looking around and smiling.

“Of course you did. Come on, then.” You followed him back into the kitchen, where he smiled and greeted the other occupants with incoherent noises and a scream. Their eyes trailed from him to you, and Takao followed their gaze. “Ah, you guys know Y/N. She’s the one that sits front row in our psychology and our bio. You’d know the back of her head better.” You furrowed your brows. They were in your classes? You’d never seen them before. Probably because the entire class sat behind you. Still, you bit your bottom lip at Takao’s description, ignoring the heat on your face. They probably disdained you for showing up here. You prepared yourself for an abhorring ‘what is someone like _that_ doing here?’ and promised it wouldn’t hurt your feelings.

“Your first college party?” the man asked.

“Is it really that obvious?” You scratched the back of your head although you were pleased at the reaction.

“Saw you walk in. You looked like a fish out of water. Never drank either, I’m guessing?” The girl jumped off the counter and took a red cup from the stack. “Good thing your options are grain and beer. You’ll want to be too drunk to see what this place will look like in a few hours.” Your curious thoughts transferred to Takao.

“Ah, just the baseball team,” He said, and you remembered your sister said something of the same sort. She held out the cup to you. Thanking her, you sniffed near the brim of the cup. Peering upwards, their eyes focused on you, waiting for you to drink it. You cleared your throat, only sipping the drink until the burning in your throat was bothersome. You smiled.

“It’s good,” you lied and thought about where the nearest bathroom was so you could drain the liquid down the drain. The others chuckled, returning to their previous conversations. You leaned into Takao. “It’s terrible,” you whispered and his shoulders began to shake in humor, taking the drink from your hands and downing a good third of it.

“That should help.” He placed it back in your hands. “Harue and the rest are out back if you were wondering. Poor girl’s been looking for you all night ever since Light showed up.” Light. You had almost forgotten about him, too. “I think he’s out there too, though, I think he might be running away from her. Subtlety is not her finest attribute. Even if I was drunk, which I’m not—yet—it would be obvious from miles away.”

“Y/N!”

“Speak of the devil and he shall appear,” he muttered into his cup as the newcomer sprinted into you, wrapping her slender arms around your figure.

“I thought you were going to _ditch._ All night I’ve been trying to go up to him, but all night, _nothing!_ It’s like he’s avoiding me, or something. I don’t look bad, do I?” She stepped back in order to show herself off. “Thank God you’re here, though. Now, our mission can commence, right? That’s why you’re here, right? To help me?” Hesitantly, you nodded.

“What a good friend you are, then,” you hadn’t even seen Nori slip into the kitchen. “Sorry. I just happened to overhear. I didn’t think you’d show, so, when I heard you were here, I had to see for myself.”

“Well, here I am,” you stated. “Though, apparently it’s obvious I’m a fish out of water here.” You hugged your arms to your person, drink still in hand. “Is Katsu here too?”

“He’s out back too. I’m surprised you didn’t hear him already. Damn kid’s so loud when he drinks.” Takao said. “But he’s the best beer pong partner a guy could ask for, so you won’t hear me complaining. Until he gets so drunk he requests ABBA. God, I’ll never listen to _Does Your Mother Know_ the same ever again.” He visibly shuttered.

“Hey, we’re talking about _me_ right now,” Harue said it playfully. She stared earnestly at you. “You have to meet me out back as soon as possible. I’m going to go out first. Meet me out there in a few minutes. That way, he doesn’t suspect we’re partners.” She hurried out the door, followed by Takao’s chuckle.

“Nori, I thought you were bad. That girl is insane.”

“Yeah,” she agreed, “Y/N, I don’t know if you care about her, or are too selfish to tell her the truth.” Her tone turned sharp and disdainful. Takao shook his head, knowing where her tone usually leads.

“Nope, not today,” he simply stated before returning to the first room where you found him. Your eyes followed him until they flicked back to Nori when she began to speak once more.

“Don’t you think you’re being a little mean? Leading her on like this.” You had half-a-mind to play naïve like you were just a good-natured friend trying to do someone a favor, but you knew better, and you knew exactly what Nori was trying to imply with her downturned mouth and raised brow.

“You want me to tell her straight out that she doesn’t even have a chance with Light, correct?” You could never, though, you wondered if it would be nicer to do so rather than let Light turn her down, which would be _gruesome._ When Light turned someone down in high school, it was generally kind-hearted, but that was before… In college, in the current circumstances, you weren’t sure if Light would even spare her his nice boy act. Lord knows it wouldn’t ruin his reputation. In fact, you could see it exponentially increasing his popularity. Women love men—hot men—that are hard to get and apathetic.

“Would you rather Light break her heart?”

“Yes,” you replied, “I would. I don’t know if she has a chance. Maybe she does, I don’t know. I don’t know what Light’s thinking.” You don’t want to, frankly. “But whether or not she has a shot with him is not my decision to make for her. If she wants to try, who am I to stop her? Who am I to say that she doesn’t have a shot? So, no, I don’t think I’m being mean. If he breaks her heart, she’ll move on and realize it was just an infatuation.” Nori seemed taken aback, just for a second, before reclaiming her cool aura. She cleared her throat.

“I see. It’s nice of you to think that way. I wasn’t trying to be mean. I just think her type—clingy, passionate, zealous—is not his preference. I think he’d like a girl with taste, class, elegance, don’t you? Someone smart who stands their ground, and is confident in who they are. Don’t you agree?”

Oh.

You wanted to laugh.

You wanted to laugh so much.

You should have seen it sooner.

Despite her haughty disposition, she was in the exact same boat Harue was. She had feelings for Light, or, at least, something for him, and he wouldn’t spare her the time of day, or she wouldn’t admit he didn’t. Though it was a different approach than Harue’s, it wasn’t something you haven’t seen before. And you were scared of this girl for a quick second. They are really all the same.

“You like him, too?” She scoffed, rolling her eyes like it was as obvious as the light of day.

“Of course I do. Only _idiots_ wouldn’t,” that might have been shade at you, but you brushed it aside, too busy indulging in the moment, “he’s a man that has a future—a rich future, and I’m sure as hell going to jump on it before another broad does, but, for some reason, the only way to get to him is either Hideki Ryuuga—which I would never, _ever_ approach because—well, you know—or _you._ What makes you so special? Why is it _you_ that gets to him?”

“Probably because we went to high school together. Or maybe he just likes foreigners, I don’t know.” You whispered humorously. “Have you tried going up to him and saying, ‘hello, how are you?’ or anything?” She rolled her eyes again.

“Of course I have. He brushed me off like a piece of dust.”

“Probably because he’s a dick”

“What was that?”

“Probably because he thinks he’s slick. Nori, what do you want me to tell you? That I’ll help you get him in your bed, or something? I’-I’m not some wingman designated to help girls get with Light Yagami.” The side of her lip quirked.

“I wasn’t asking for help. Least of all _your_ help. I was just letting you know that if you see more of me hanging around, don’t get frightened. I’m not in it for you or anything.” Jeez, at least she’s honest. “You should head out back. Don’t you have a wingman job to do?” Grumbling, you maneuvered past her and out into the lawn.

Just when you thought you’d get some fresh air. It smelled like a family of skunks died, but at least the air was cooler. There was a fire in the middle of the yard, three couches surrounding it. Katsu was seated on one of them, and all of a sudden you knew what Takao was talking about before. His boisterous laugh echoed across the yard. It was only truncated by the cheers that would emit from the beer pong table on the ground just in front of the porch.

You searched for Harue, but she was neither in-game nor on one of the couches. Hugging your shirt tighter to yourself, you took the few steps down to the grass. Looking left and right, there was no sign of the girl, and you wondered if she was physically hiding from Light. Then, you wondered where the said boy was too. You considered the possibility of the two of them being somewhere _together,_ then realized the only way that may happen is if she kidnapped him. Hm. Maybe that wouldn’t be so bad for your case.

“I was wondering how long you were going to keep me waiting. Prodding me here then not showing up,” his voice was above you. Adjusting your head, you saw him leaned over the porch railing, hands intertwined around a red cup. “You walked right past me. Looking for your friend?”

“You didn’t kill her, did you?” The words slipped right out and your hands covered your mouth. How did that slip past your mouth so easily? You rushed up the three steps and joined him near the far end of the porch. Per usual, Light looked good, though it was offsetting to see him dressed less formally. A jean unbuttoned shirt over a white undershirt under his regular jacket with dark black jeans and white shoes.

“I’ll put her in jail if she continues to follow me around all night.”

“Well, we know how you deal with people who follow you,” you muttered out of some sort of spur of confidence, and your heart stopped the moment the words fell out of your mouth. What was with you and your mouth today? You peeked at him, expecting him to be glaring daggers into you, but his eyes were cast off into the yard, a small smile on his lips. Was it pride that was flowing through him thinking about it? It didn’t matter. He wasn’t mad or anything, or at least didn’t look like it. “What are you drinking?”

“What am I pretending to drink? The same thing you are, I'd guess. The grain is disgusting. Next time you see her, tell her the plan she has to get me inebriated enough to go out with her is a failure.” he muttered, looking down at his cup then into yours. “You don't even know what's in it, do you?"

“Do you think I would know?” 

“Tequila, mostly. Disgusting choice, really.” You weren’t surprised he knew all about drinks. “Too much of it.” You coughed. Light shifted, elbow leaning on the rail and his head facing the window looking into the kitchen. His eyes tried to speak to you. They flashed with a warning and glanced towards the yard. Ah. Harue. It was your turn to smile. Waving to your friend, you motioned her over. “You didn’t.” Your smile broadened. “You’re going to pay for this.”

“Hey hey!” Overzealous, she greeted you, squeezing her body between yours and Lights. “Fancy seeing you here, Light. It’s amazing to see you outside the school scene, you know? Y/N said you’d be here. Good thing you’re here before the baseball team. It’s nice and fun now.” She giggled, you watched Light’s expression carefully as he gazed down at her. He laughed in a higher tone than his general speech, and you knew he was putting up his façade.

“I’m not always in school-mode, you know. I have fun sometimes.”

“What do you do for fun, then?” _Kill people. Manipulate those around me. Oh, and also kill people._ Your tongue licked the corner of your lip, looking the opposite direction of the two in annoyance. Something in your heart twisted, and you wondered again how this whole situation turned easy to think about. At what point had you been desensitized to it all, so much so you could make jokes about it. It disturbed you. Your mood depressed to the point you felt something fall physically in you. Were you a monster, too?

“Oh my… “ you whispered it so quiet not even Harue could hear you. This was serious. Light, the kid within feet of you, was a serial killer and, despite his promises and assurances of a ‘better world,’ could kill you or anybody around you with a flick of his wrist. And you were leading your friend right to him! What were you thinking? Your breathing started to become erratic.

“Hey, Y/N, are you okay?” Harue’s voice broke your far too real reverie and you focused your gaze on Harue, as best you could, but your eyes, like magnets, connected with Light’s, and a shock raced through your nerves. Eyes wide and alert, you didn’t hear Harue’s second plead, but when she touched your arm, your aghast stare centered on hers. You shook your head, rubbing your forehead in an attempt to wipe away the look that was there.

“Yes—yes, I’m fine. Sorry, I zoned out. I’ll—I’ll be right back.” Dropping your cup, you returned to the inside, hoping to find some space out of his sight, but the number of people present previously had nearly doubled. The air was still hot and heavy and there was no sight of Takao or anybody you knew, only faces you saw in fleeting moments around campus. The music was significantly louder than before, and actions were sporadic and sloppy. A group of guys laughed clamorously in the corner, using some devices to consume more… stuff, some girls were dancing with each other in the other corner, hyping each other up incoherently, and in the middle, there was a mix of everything… touchy.

It was fine, though. There was no harm to be done, right? It was just fun. You were fun too, right? You could do this. It was a shaky intake of air, but you sucked it all in and walked into the crowd because you would rather suffocate in this crowd than see him again. You squeezed your way to the kitchen counter. A guy was there now, and he smiled at you.

“What are you drinking tonight?”

“Uh—um… anything. Just give me something.” You hoped it wasn’t like the thing now lying in a puddle on the porch. You were looking somewhere else when he prodded you with the cup. You thanked him with a yell so he could hear you, and looked for a place to go now. The thought of dancing in the sweaty mass didn’t seem appealing to you, so you brought out your phone and texted your sister.

**What do I do?**

Setting the phone back in your pocket, you maneuvered through the crowd for a little while. There was no sign of Takao anymore. Maybe he’d gone outside to meet up with Katsu and them.

“Hey!” You jumped at the new voice. “You’re Roselyn’s sister, right?” You nodded. “She told me you’d be the one who looks like a fish out of water.” Oh, gee. “Name’s Jirou. I’m kinda the one in charge, though my friends take the wheel after a while.” He sounded sober. “I know what you’re thinking,” he put his hands up in surrender, “but, despite my 'party’s’ reputation, I’m not much of a drinker.” You took the first sip of your new drink, and it _burned._ You coughed. “Guess you’re not either.”

“It tastes terrible. People drink this for fun?” He chuckled.

“Believe it or not. Or just for what happens after. My buddy loves the burning of it. I think he’s crazy,” he glanced over his shoulder to who presumably was his friend, who has currently linked arms with another girl, taking a shot. “No, he’s crazy, but not everyone here is.” You played with the liquid of your drink, spinning the cup with your wrist.

“Oh? And who’s here not, pray tell?”

“Me. You.” You shrugged.

“We’re the minority here. They must think the same of us. Though, I’m new at this whole thing, obviously. I don’t even know what to do.”

“Anything, really. Dance, drink, talk to some people, talk to nobody, whatever. Your sister was the best part of these parties. The life of the party, you’d say.” He looked down at you. “You’re really not, are you?” You cleared your throat.

“I’m not my sister. In fact, I just texted her about what to do.”

“And she texted me. To make sure you weren’t with Light and were okay. You’re not dead, so that’s our definition of okay here.” You visibly shivered at the mention of his name. Jirou noticed this and furrowed his eyebrows. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine, really. I just—need a distraction. I think. Maybe. What do you usually do here? Don’t say sex.” Jirou laughed and took a light grip of your arm.

“Come outside.”

“Oh, no, I really don’t want to. I… can’t. _He’s_ out there…” Jirou probably didn’t understand, but Jirou has most likely has seen people having sex and vomiting in the bathroom, so he didn’t care too much.

“Don’t like to dance?”

“I—I really can’t. I’m not good. At all. It’s embarrassing really.” The older man scoffed and gestured to the crowd.

“Are _they_ good? No. And, frankly, no one’s going to remember you from this point on, anyway. Come on. I’ll go out there with you. If you feel uncomfortable, just go out the front door. No one is going to judge you, and, if they do, they’ll hear it from me. I run these parties, remember?” His words were relieving, and you couldn’t help but smile in gratitude. What was the harm in dancing with people who didn’t know who you are, and weren’t going to remember? You were here to prove something, weren’t you? If not to anyone else, to yourself. Jirou extended his hand. Taking it, you allowed him to pull you into the middle of the crowd, and, not letting go, urged you to move.

Timidly, you began to dance. At first, you looked—and felt—awkward, but, by the third song, the first smile of the night had broken out on your face. You hand freed itself from its hold and you were rubbing against people you’ve never met before. Your drink, still full, was in your hand, and the other was swinging around fluidly. You sang, you laughed, and you felt part of the mass, and you didn’t mind.

The door busted open an hour—maybe two—later, and, for a quick second, you thought it was the cops busting the party, and your heart dropped. But, no cop would come in screaming “guess who,” followed by twenty or so grown men wearing To-Oh baseball shirts. The entire atmosphere exploded. They were already intoxicated. The music changed, too. Louder, heavier, faster. More than half of them flooded into the dancefloor, and all of a sudden there was a lot less space. One of them came right up behind you and began to _grind._ You looked for Jirou, but around you, he wasn’t in sight, only unfamiliar bodies.

It was fine at first. You rolled with it, trying your best to follow everybody else. Jirou was out of sight, and the only person you recognized was a girl from your psych course—and her butt. Slowly, breathing became slightly hard, and, as you tried to find space, new bodies would take it over before you could even move. Movements became more erratic, drinking more prevalent, and everywhere people were grinding and touching. Eventually, after the umpteenth man had tried to touch you, it felt like you were suffocating. You had to get out of this crowd. It was too much now, so you pushed and twisted, but it felt like it was an unending battle. People would pull you back, or push you in another direction, or grab you and try to grind. Someone had forcibly taken your drink from your hand before.

Breathing was getting hard, and your heart was beginning to palpitate. Who were these strangers? Not one of these people cared about you or even each other. You needed to get out, but at each pass between tight bodies and frustration at getting nowhere, you felt more and more lightheaded, and, frankly, you were terrified. Everything around you phased into the background. You had no idea what was going on, but you needed to leave. You needed to leave. You needed to get out.

Why didn’t anyone care? Didn’t they see you crying? It wasn’t a nice, pretty cry on TV. You were choking on your own tears, gasping pathetically for air like you were drowning. But weren’t you letting everyone down? You told your sister you would be fine. You told your friends you would be fine. You wouldn’t be _you._ Now, look at you. You’re _you._

“Y/N! Hey! Y/N!” At first, you thought it was Jirou when the voice faded into your ears, but you took it as a lifeline. Desperately, you scrutinized the surrounding area for the source. “Y/N!”

“No, nonononononononono,” you repeated it over and over again. You cut that line real quick. How did he get through the crowd so easily when you couldn’t? You turned your back to the voice, blindly rushing now. It was sloppy. Running into people, spilling drinks onto them. Your shaky limbs making constant contact with something.

“Hey, stop!” An arm wrapped around from over your shoulder, across your chest, and grabbed your other shoulder. You tried, tried to shake it off, but the arm remained iron, steady and strong, pulling you against a chest. “Come on,” the voice cooed, and the feet behind yours led you out the front door into the cool night air with you struggling in the same manner as a child.

There was no one in the front yard. The music from the inside was muffled by the walls. The person slammed the door shut with the free arm and spun you around. You continued to shake your head with your body and flung yourself from his grip. Still disoriented, you ran down the steps and to the sidewalk. “Jes—Y/N. Stop.” He turned you again once he caught up to you, but you wouldn’t budge.

“No, nononono, get away from m-me! It’s you! This is all b-because of you! How can I just live knowing someone who _kills people—_ ,”

“Y/N.”

“And how can I… how can _I_ just talk about it so _easily._ What does that make _me_? Why couldn’t I say something _before_ you approached me? Why was it so hard to go to the police? Why—,”

“Y/N.”

“Why me? I can’t handle this. I’m _not_ smart and _not_ important and _not_ fun and _not…_ not,” you couldn’t breathe again. You shook your head, lifting one weak arm to block any advances.

“Y/N. Look at me,” he spoke softly, in a tone you’d never heard from him before. But it was fake. Everything about Light Yagami was fake.

“N-no, I’m fine. I’m fine,” that was ironic, given your current state.

“Look. At. Me.” Now that was Kira’s voice. You froze on the spot, though your chest continued to rise and fall quickly, and you were _scared._ Your limbs were moved, and two big hands placed themselves on the sides of your head. His eyes were sharp, serious, and left no room for argument. You shook your head, but his grip was steel. “Y/N. Y/N. Breathe. You have to breathe.” Your legs. They felt like giving out. Light, sensing this, or feeling it, swiftly moved to wrap his arms around you, binding you to him no matter how you fought. One hand on your back, the other at the back of your head. “Stop fighting. Stop fighting. Stop fighting me, Y/N.” He cooed, his breath breezed across your ear as the two of you sunk to the pavement mostly on your accord. His arms were tight, and something in you, something rational, knew he wasn’t going to let go, and you couldn’t break loose.

So you let your muscles relax against him. 

Your limp body sobbed into his arms, shaking and ugly. You were thankful you couldn’t see his face, and he couldn’t see yours. It was buried deep into his chest. You would be able to hear his heartbeat were it not for your own breathing. “Breathe, Y/N. It’s okay.” It wasn’t. It really, really wasn’t, but your mind wasn’t sane. If it were, you wouldn’t be here. You’d be home sleeping. Doing anything else but being here.

“I’m s-sorry,” you whispered because you didn’t know what else to do. It’s what you taught yourself. You’re no one. Inferior. And you’d just made a fool of yourself. In front of _everyone._ Oh, your sister was going to hear about it, and what if you ruin her reputation? What if your friends don’t want to talk to you anymore? It all rushed back.

“Hey.” His hands were on your head, the base of his palms on your neck while his fingers laced through your locks. “Look at me. I’m here.” And you did. Your eyes met and it was a trance. It took time, so much time, there. Sweet reassurances left his mouth every so often when he hugged you again. Your heart slowed down, and your nerves depressed to the point you were able to control your breathing once more.

“Light?” Someone called. Sitting your rear on the cement now separated from Light, your knees were bent as you rested your elbows on them. Between your arms, your head hung low. In shame? In relief? In exhaustion? You weren’t sure. All you knew is that you were _tired._

“No,” you whispered. “I don’t want them to see me. Please.” You lifted your head. His eyes met yours. The voice called out again. The name in request stood up and walked toward the front of the frat house since in your state you ran in front of one of the neighboring houses. Letting your head fall in between your arms again, you didn’t bother to watch the conversation, but you couldn’t help but overhear it at your proximity.

“Light, there you are. Harue and I have been looking for you.” Nori. She had a voice you couldn’t forget. “Is that Y/N? What’s going on?”

“It isn’t your business. We’re heading off.”

“But it’s still early, Light. You can’t—,”

“We’re going home. It’s been nice, Nori. I’ll see you in school.” He waited there until Nori retreated back into the frat house. Guess she didn’t need your help after all in talking to him. Maybe it was while you were dancing. He sighed. “Come on, Y/N.” Hovering above you, only his hands were visible, extended out to you. You shook your head, slowly rising on your own.

“I—I don’t need your help,” you muttered out. “Get away from me.” Hands up in defense, you backed away.

“We live in the same direction. You can’t walk home alone like this.”

“I told you I’m _fine,_ Light. I don’t need anything from you. Nothing. I’m so _done_ with all of this by your side _shit._ I don’t have the willpower or the apathy—,”

“Shouldn’t we talk about this in a more private place?” Kira growled it. You frowned, the inhales and exhales through your nose unstable.

“Whatever. Whatever, Light. I don’t know. I don’t know.” You both began to walk home. You made sure to stay I front of him. Maybe then, maybe then you could forget his existence. Then you could pretend everything’s fine.

Light’s gaze was heavy behind you.


	8. Just Curious

There was a single silhouette standing on the path outside of your house, and, at the sight of you, it sprinted in full force. By the style of the run and the swaying robe, you knew it to be your sister. She stopped a foot in front of you, disheveled. Not knowing what to do, you simply waved your hand. Wordlessly, she shook her head and looked over your shoulder to the one still following you. You successfully ignored him the entire way home. There was no way you were bringing yourself to accept his presence. Not now.

“Thank you,” your sister said. Of course, she heard about what happened. “I can take her from here. You should head home, too.” Maybe Light nodded, maybe he opened his mouth for argument, but at least he didn’t say anything. You didn’t think you could handle him if he spoke. 

“I’m not some hospital patient,” you muttered. Roselyn’s lithe arm wrapped around your shoulders and led you into the house. If there was a walk of shame, this would be it. Roselyn was giving off nothing of what she was feeling. Generally, she was an open book, so you really didn’t want to know what she was thinking while she sat you down on your bed, then sat next to you. A battle of who was going to speak first commenced. You stared at the corner of your bookshelf. Roselyn wasn’t going to speak first, you realized as she stared at the side of your skull expectantly. You released a soft sigh. Somewhere within there, you breathed out a “You were right,” and a “I’m sorry,” was whispered after that.

“Why are you apologizing? Idiot. It’s not your fault what happened. When I got the text about what was going on… Shit, I was so worried. I knew—I _knew_ I shouldn’t had let you go—,”

“It’s not your fault.”

“But I’m certainly not innocent. I’m not mad at you. Really. I’m just… It’s just,” you cut her off with a shake of your head.

“I know. You’re embarrassed by me. You don’t know how you’re going to show your face in school knowing it was your sister who managed to ruin the entire party just like _everyone_ thought she would because she’s nothing but a pathetic _fucking_ —,”

You better shut up.” Her hand landed on your cheek and twisted your entire head to face her. “Don’t you _ever_ think that you hear me? I would _never_ be embarrassed of you, no matter what you did. Jirou already sorted everything out over there, and the party went on anyway. The only thing people were… mad about was the fact it was you that made Light leave.” Of course. Even witnessing what happened, seeing what you went through, people _still_ only cared about Light. Unbelievable.

But you couldn’t deny what occurred either. What was his motive for helping you so much? Probably to boost his image as a perfect person in all aspects. Still, he sounded so _genuine_ on that sidewalk, and, so easily, you caved, though, for the record, your options were extremely limited. You decided you were going to forget about this entire day and everything that occurred. Your friends, they probably wouldn’t.

Oh, God. Your friends. You wondered what they were thinking if they knew. Nori had seen you, only barely, but she was hardly what you considered a friend. On the list of people who were and are planning on using you, she’d only be second to the king of manipulation himself. You would text them sometime this weekend to apologize. Maybe do something to make it up to them if they were ashamed of you. Harue, you imagined, would be more jealous or angry than ashamed. You had managed to pull his attention away from her. The opposite of what you promised. Which spurred your next problem.

There was no way you were going to help her anymore. Not because you couldn’t, but because it just wasn’t safe. You would make an excuse later. There was no way you were going to lead _anybody_ close to him, even Nori. You would try to help her get away from him too. Well, as best you could, considering her personality. But how? You couldn’t just come out and say he’s a terrible person when everything he gave off screamed otherwise? Plus, it would make it seem like you wanted him for yourself especially after what Nori may be thinking after seeing the two of you just before.

Why would you care if they thought that? It was for their own good! How could you value what they thought of you over their own well-being?

“Hey, Y/N. Stop thinking.” Her voice cracked open your trance. She stared at you contently. Not angry or sad. Not disappointed nor concerned. She just, stared, like you were another person in the world. Not some pitiful creature to be taken care of and watched over every second. “Go to bed. You’ll feel better in the morning. I’ll make sure mom doesn’t wake you up.” She planted a soft kiss on your forehead and brought her hands onto yours just to squeeze them. Then, she got up silently left the room, shutting the light off and closing the door. You were left in the dark.

Sleep came easy that night, and when you woke the sun was shining brightly through your shades. Squinting, you allowed your eyes to adjust to the new light, though you had no plans on getting out of bed anytime soon. A sigh set deep in your throat filled the room. Roselyn was right. You were feeling thousands of times better. Physically, at least. Without looking, you stretched and grabbed your phone that you left on the nightstand moments before you passed out. No notifications.

The fact there were no words from your friends led you to believe they either don’t know what transpired, or do, and are dropping you out of utter embarrassment. You wouldn’t be the person to call first. You’d wait until the weekday to confront them in person, or at least see how they react to you. Hopefully, Jirou had covered you extraordinarily well. That way, your night would be washed from all memory, mind a small number.

You stared at your phone, and another idiotic thought popped into your mind. It was ridiculous and stupid, and anybody would tell you the same, but your superego, your conscious, beckoned you to follow this thought. Why did the angel on your shoulder think so differently than your rationality? There was something seriously wrong with you. In fear of making a hasty decision, you placed your phone in the drawer of the same nightstand it was on and swung your feet to the side of the bed, then sat up straight.

The clock dimmed a red 11:34. Roselyn was good on her word again. Generally, your mother woke you up at nine-thirty. Another sigh of content rolled from your throat while you stretched your arms over your head. You realized you were still in last night’s ensemble. Wiggling out of the top and yanking off the jeans, you threw on a sweatshirt and sweatpants and headed downstairs. Both women were seated in the living room watching some new drama. Muttering your greeting to them, you shuffled to the kitchen to find your breakfast. While scouring the fridge, you overheard Roselyn’s voice above what was now the news.

“Kira has been active lately.”

“Kira is always active, mom.” You were numb to it at the moment. “I’m glad Oliver isn’t here. I'd start arguing against him, and we’d break into another fight.” Oh. That’s right. In the time your sister had helped and supported you, you’d nearly forgotten the fact she was an avid Kira-worshipper, or something close to that. “Eventually, the world is going to be clean of terrible people. I can’t wait.”

“Okay, honey.” Your mother said. You’ve heard your mother argue with your sister about her beliefs, but Roselyn was stubborn, so, now, whenever the topic came up, the older woman brushed it off. A few times she inquired about your opinion, but your answer remained the same as it was the first time the matter came up in the household back when calculus was your biggest problem. Now those were simpler times.

Grabbing the bottle of refrigerated smoothie, you joined them in the living room, sitting in the chair opposite the loveseat your sister sprawled out on, and next to the couch your mother sat with two hands folded in her lap. The news had finished showing the coverage of the latest killings—thankfully so, since you weren’t sure your stomach could handle it—and was beginning a story about a local woman’s reopening of an old restaurant.

“Has Oliver called recently?” You wondered out loud.

“Not these days. He said that he’s busy with work, and he won’t be able to stay in touch often. Last I heard he met a cute boy.” Of course, he did. He always met cute boys wherever he was. “No strings attached. You know your brother. I remember he used to bring home all types of boys and girls. Why don’t you two do that? Don’t you have friends?” Roselyn snickered.

“If I bring _anyone_ home to you, they’d never talk to me again. Don’t you remember you walked in on them with cupcakes that one time while they were… you know? I’m pretty sure Oliver was mortified.” Your mother chuckled at the memory you didn’t recall. Perhaps you were young when this occurred.

“Oh, I remember that.” That was all she had to say about the matter. “Well, that boy came for Y/N that one time—.” Why is it, that everywhere you go, someone mentions Light? Even when he’s not around, his reputation haunts you like a ghost.

“Didn’t I ask you not to talk about him?”

“I don’t think so…”

“Doesn’t matter. No talking about that boy, ever, or you have to give me a dollar.” You proposed, making your sister sputter in laughter. The woman’s eyebrows remained tightly knitted in thought. “It’s the kid who… broke my heart, remember?” A bell rang.

“Oh, him. Yes. Didn’t you settle that when he came over?”

“Let’s start the dollar-in-the-jar thing now, yes?” You drank from the cool bottle in your hand. No one spoke another word about it, yet you didn’t miss the worried glances your sister sent across the room. You opted to ignore them. You were fine now. Your mind felt calm, your muscles relaxed, like an ocean was drained from your system. You just needed to stay away from it all for a little while.

Except you couldn’t. At least, not “it all.”

You acknowledged what befell the night before. Every aspect of it. Your hasty decision you thought of earlier didn’t seem too crazy now. You understood when you owed someone something, but why did you feel like you owed him? It was his fault everything was happening. Everything was his fault, yet you felt indebted. Still, there was a small, small part of your brain that screamed for you to fill that debt, or confront it. That was the part of your brain that gets you in trouble, you learned. It’s what made you inquire about Naomi and Raye, what kept you from going to the police, what made you keep digging until you struck something, and it always led to trouble, but it was so fulfilling to chase that fragment of your mind. An indulgence you knew you had to ignore, but couldn’t. You had repressed it throughout all of your life up until recently.

You finished the smoothie, placed it in the kitchen sink, and ran to your room. Before doing anything, you made your bed, washed your face, and brushed your teeth. Then, you sat crossed-legged on your bed in thought. Finally, you opened the drawer to your nightstand and looked down at your contacts. He’d forcefully given you his contact information and vice-versa back when you first learned about everything. It rang once, twice, and almost a third when a voice cut through.

“Y/N,” he stated.

“Light,” you replied.

“How are you feeling?”

“Yeah, better.”

“What did you need?”

“We… need to talk about things, I think. I was wondering if you were free to meet up somewhere to talk.” There was a pause.

“What kind of things?”

“Nothing… bad. Just about… last night.” And that was honest. You don’t think you could bring yourself to discuss Kira with him yet. You’ll continue to alter your perception of him as a fellow student you happened not to like for as long as you could. “Would that be okay?”

“I know a place.”

Hours later, with the excuse you were meeting up with a college friend, you entered the coffee shop sort of place. Light was already there, seated in the far back booth that was three-quartered surrounded by the plants at the top rim of the seats and under the window. It seemed no other customers took note of this booth or the boy in it. Only the waiter regarded it. You approached the table, took off your jacket, and placed it on the seat, sitting nearly on top of it. A white, steaming cup was in front of him.

“Thanks for meeting me here on such short notice.

“Can’t say it was what I was expecting to do today. Though I’m surprised, I didn’t expect it to be so soon.” You both shifted your attention to the waiter who noted your arrival. You weren’t exactly sure what the “it” was supposed to mean, but you forgot about it, telling the waiter you’d take a coffee. “What exactly did you want to discuss with me?” You met his eyes.

“Last night, I… Okay, no, tell me about your night last night.”

“Huh?”

“I want to know about your night. What happened before… you know.” Knitting his eyebrows in surprise, he leaned back comfortably in his seat, folding his hands across his lap.

“If that’s what you want, fine, though I can't see what good it will do you. I got there an hour maybe before you. I looked for you, but all I found were your annoying… ‘friends.’ The tall, loud one said you weren’t there yet, but your ‘friend,’ who was seated next to him, promised you’d be there soon, and that I could hang around them until you came. I declined, obviously, but your friend is so persistent. She followed me around, while the other one just stared at me. Thankfully, I’m pretty popular. There were plenty of people there who wanted to talk to me. She got the message, for a while, then came over with that bourbon—I don’t know what kind of person doesn’t drink bourbon from a glass—but, I digress. I couldn’t say no in front of everybody, so I took it, then went to the porch. Your friend—,”

“Harue is her name—thank you,” you said the 'thank you' to the waiter who placed your cup on the table.

“She stood next to me in silence until your loud friend called her over because at least _he_ realized it was uncomfortable. That’s when you came.” You could have guessed that much.

“Okay, what about when I left you two out there.” Something gleamed over his eyes.

“I should be asking you the same thing. That look on your face before you went inside… what were you thinking?” You turned your head, licking your lips.

“Something that you said should be talked about somewhere more private.” It took him a second, but he figured out what you meant with a narrow of his eyes. “Not yet, Light. Just… tell me what happened after I left and before you… came.” He seemed more annoyed now, flexing his hands in his lap, but continued nonetheless. At this moment, you weren’t afraid of him. In public, he couldn’t do anything.

“You left, and your friend took it as a good sign for her to make her move on me. Disgusting.”

“What did you say?” You sipped your coffee for the first time.

“Afraid I hurt her?”

“I didn’t ask that.”

“I told her that she’s a nice friend to me and you, so you’re in the clear.” You furrowed your brows and leaned forward.

“What do you mean ‘I’m in the clear?’’ He rolled his eyes like the answer was written on his forehead. “Don’t do that. Tell me.”

“Come on, Y/N. If I really rejected her, do you really think she’d remain pretending to be your friend? She’d go back to her friend group, and they’d drop you so easily. I didn’t want that to happen to you, so I told her that I’d get to know her better before making any decision. Told your other friend the same thing.” This again. You huffed. Your back hit the seat and your arms crossed on your chest.

“Would you stop saying that? They’re not just friends with me to get to you—well, Nori is, but she told me that flat-out—but Harue isn’t like that. She knew me before she knew my connection with you.” He hummed and sipped his drink. He looked like he had more to say, but didn’t let it spill out. “And the guys hate you. That loud kid hates your guts.” He quirked his brow unsurprisingly. “So don’t be so cocky.”

“Me? Cocky? You’re the one who seems to be more confident in the truth than me. I’m just telling you how I perceive it. Now, don’t you want to know the rest?” Reluctantly nodding, you allowed him to continue. “Once she accepted that, she ran off to her friends, probably to brag, who knows. Your other friend—Nori, you said—she approached next, surprised at my response to the other one. She said that when I was done leading her on, and wanted someone of my taste, to look for her. What kind of friends do you make?” You rolled your eyes.

“Sorry. After high school, I’m really not that _picky_. Besides, she’s a total bitch. She doesn’t even hide it. She’s convinced that she has the perfect qualities for you, I don’t know. She’s from a different universe, I think. I didn’t know anybody could be so… straightforward, you know? I mean, she’s so open about her superiority.” Light chuckled and shook his head.

“People are like that. Not everybody is like the actors on screen. She was fun to talk to. She was so self-assured, but I think I like talking to you more.” You took another sip. Of course, he did. Why, who knew, but you didn’t reply to that.

“What else happened? I was dancing for a while, you know.”

“I spoke with your other friend. Takao, I think his name was. I joined them around the fire the entire time, but there was nothing I had in common with them. The annoying friend hung around me like a lost puppy, and the other looked over like she knew what I was thinking. When Harue was confident enough to lay her head on me, I left to see how you were doing with all those people. That’s when I found you.” You ran a hand through your hair. That was it. What else did you expect? He had to be around them all night because they wouldn’t let him be anywhere else. They must be mad that you took his attention away from them.

“And… uh… what did you think? When you saw me, I mean.” Your hands fiddled with the cup. You didn’t meet his eyes, but you could feel them peering into you.

“I saw someone who needed help, but not just anyone’s help. _My_ help. There was no one else there that could have helped you but for me. There was no one who would have _wanted_ to help you but me. I was the only person who knew the real you. No one else there cared about you in that crowd, did they? Your ‘friends’ don’t even know that you struggle with all things social, do they? Don’t think I didn’t keep my eye on you throughout the night, especially when you were with Jirou. I don’t like him. I’ve spoken to him at the student government meetings since he’s the rep for the third years. You shouldn’t talk to him.” You nearly choked.

Because he was right.

No one in that crowd cared. You were nearly _screaming,_ and they kept drinking, kept smoking, and your friends were nowhere to be found. Palming your forehead, your elbow hit the table and your head tilted towards your lap. “I’m not the bad guy, Y/N. I want you to realize that.” You shook your head. He was playing you right into his hands. He was lying. He was _lying,_ right? He must have spotted the conflict on your features. “Why don’t you come over to my house tonight? We could discuss more there. It’s obvious you need someone right now.” You did, but who? Harue? You hadn’t heard a word from her. Nori? Absolutely not. Your sister who had to get up in the dead of night and comfort you about something she knew would happen? No way. The others weren’t even that close to you.

But this someone couldn’t be Light.

You wouldn’t let it. Daring to peek through your fingers that were now covering your eyes, you met his imploring ones. They looked genuine. They shined with care and sympathy like he’d go the moon for you right now. You shook your head. No, you couldn’t fall for it. You weren’t those other girls who walked into his trap so easily, who willingly jumped into his arms when he has a knife in his hand, but… “Y/N. I insist. I’m not going to take no for an answer.”

“F-fine.” This wasn’t caving. This was something you had to do because there was no other option. You could deny it as you will, like this morning. Pretend everything was fine, but Light sees through your transparent strength. That’s what made him nonthreatening to you before. He sees things others didn’t. This must be one way he seduces others. You could see why it worked so well. “Later, though.” He nodded.

“Tonight, yeah. I’ll call you, okay?” He rose to his feet first, drawing out his wallet from his coat pocket and dropping a ten on the table. “I’ll see you later.” You nodded, not watching him exit the place. Why did you feel so safe right now? Almost relieved. It wasn’t right. You quickly threw on your coat and ran outside. You needed to go somewhere, anywhere, to get your mind out of the place it’s in, so you followed the pavement, walking down the road until something sticks out. Until something popped to make your mind go blank.

It was the smell that hit your first. Sweet, like the kitchen when your mom baked something, and relaxing, allowing you to take a deep breath. It led you to a small bakery on a street corner. Walking in with the chime of a bell, you looked around. The bakery was decorated in soft pastels, tables to your left, each with a small plant on top, and a few full bookshelves on the back wall, and the glass counter to your right that displayed countless of pastries and chocolates. There was a soft scent of coffee too. There were only a few people present. It was nice, calm. A small smile gracing your lips, you approached the glass counter, looking over the various delicacies with a grin.

“They’re all good.” The voice was oddly familiar, yet you sighed. There was nothing you wanted to be but alone right now, yet your superego prevailed. Smiling, you stood up straight and met the new voice. Hideki Ryuga—Or L, as Light mentioned. Shit, _L._ The best detective in the world who was looking for what you knew. You couldn't falter. Good thing you didn’t know Ryu—L—well enough for him to know if you were putting up a façade in front of him. Yours was no watch for Light’s. 

“Oh. Ryuga. Hi,” you greeted with fake enthusiasm. “How are you?” You swallowed down the initial fear. 

“Fine, thanks. I recommend that.” Ryuga pointed to a cake in the display. “It’s very moist. Not like the dry ones down the street.” You wondered if he ate sweets often.

“I’m not much of a cake person, though that is a mighty fine-lookin' peanut butter pie over there.” You nearly danced over to gaze in the refrigerator behind the counter. “Excuse me. Can I have a slice of that? For here, please.” The employee nodded.

“The coffee here is good too,” Ryuga mentions, still next to you.

“Ah, I just had a cup at the place down the street.” He hummed.

“Yes, it’s quite good there. I went there with Light the day we saw you near the police station.”

“Oh? Guess that’s where he takes all his dates. I was just there with him. Not a date, though.” If you mention him, it would be like you don’t know well enough to not mention him. You had to play innocent and naïve. You had to treat L like another Light. Always presume he knew what you were thinking.

But he was right there! L is right in front of your eyes! You could say right now that Light Yagami is Kira, but why didn’t you? Why did you take your pie and pay so quietly with him watching you? He followed you to the table, back slightly hunched and hands deep in his pockets. He sat oddly too. You remembered he had gotten yelled at for sitting in that position during the Entrance Exams. “So, is there something I can do for you?”

“You know Light Yagami well, correct?” You nodded.

“I told you we went to high school together, didn’t I?”

“Yes, you did. I was wondering if you could tell me more about him. He’s my fellow representative, yet he refuses to open up to me. I was wondering if you can assist me. It seems he speaks to you more than others.” Wow. Someone talking to you to learn about Light? Like _that_ has never happened before. You bit back a sigh, grabbing your fork to cut into your slice of pie.

“Sure! What do you want to know? I’m surprised you don’t talk that much, given that you work together in the student government, and you guys went the café I was just at, but I’ll tell you what I can. Um… let’s see. Well, he’s a genius, always has been. Top marks ever since I moved here—I’m from the U.S.—on every test, played sports, went to cram school at night, always studied, and always liked by the ladies, though I wouldn’t put it past him to have pervy magazines under his bed.” You were about to say “always nice,” but people being always nice generally meant they were hiding something, and this was the world’s greatest detective you were up against. Nothing that could insinuate the _slightest_ possibility of a sociopath could be revealed. 

“Are you included in that list of ladies?” You shook your head, taking the piece you’ve had on your fork and eating it.

“No, which is why I think we’re friends. I never put him on a pedestal like everyone else did. Probably because I’m from the States. Different viewpoint, you know?” God, you were never going to get over his dead gaze. You decided to take another bite.

“When did you move to Japan?”

“First year of high school.”

“Did you make many new friends?” Why did we want to know that? It must have been important to him and his case on Light since he was asking. You reminded yourself to think he already knew the answer or the answer that would suggest something about your character in regards to Light's.

“Not many. I was from a different continent entirely. My Japanese was terrible, and no one knew what to say to me. Probably because of the stereotypes they’ve heard. Why do you ask?” He shrugged.

“Just curious.”

“Ah, okay. Anything else you need from me?” He mused about the question but ultimately shook his head.

“No, I believe that will be all. Thank you, Y/N. You’ve been a great help to me.” You were incredulous. You just stated facts he could have already guessed in a three-minute conversation. Did that make you more suspicious? Since you decided to keep your lips sealed about Light, you had to do your best to hide it from here on out. You were a criminal now, lying to a detective. Not that you weren’t before, but now it was confirmed.

“Oh, alright. It was nice seeing you, then.”

“Likewise. I’ll see you around.”

You surely hoped you wouldn’t.


	9. Know the Truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i rly thought i was doing something huh; to be young me again.

By the time Light called you, you had journeyed home and explained to your mom that you were meeting that friend tonight and going to their house. Thrilled, she didn’t ask any more questions since she would have the house by herself with the absence of your sister. She was, according to the woman, out on the town. Thankfully so, you mused. She’d inquire about your plans, and completely lose it if your destination was the Yagami household. Though, you pondered why you were so calm about your plans. Perhaps it was the conversation you held with him earlier today that eased your nerves around him. He couldn’t kill you. He helped you, even, and, evidently, is continuing to do so. The least you can do is cooperate. That is until actions became louder than words.

Well, you could convince yourself that was the case as much as you wanted. The truth was that you couldn’t really talk about Light being Kira anywhere in public, and you had a funny feeling he was going pick your brain about what happened at the party. About what exactly made you feel so much fear on the porch, which is why, exactly, he asked you to go to his house. Though, you convinced yourself otherwise.

You’d been outside the Yagami house countless times, you realized. Passing it by, walking home with Light those few times, but going in it seemed an entirely different beast; however, in comparison with the party, it was a lowly beast—a puppy. You didn’t even need a mental pep talk or a breath of confidence to ring the doorbell. A man answered the door. His dad, undoubtedly. You choked up a smile.

“Hello, Mr. Yagami. I’m Y/N. Light invited me over…?”

“Ah yes. He told me he’s expecting company.” His voice was deep and tired. “Light is in his room. If you go up these stairs, first door straight ahead.” You thanked him, closing the door behind you and jogging up the stairs. His door was closed, and there wasn’t a single sound emitting from the inside. You lightly knocked.

“Hey. It’s me.”

“It’s unlocked.” He called. You opened the door and entered. You weren’t sure what you were expecting. It was so… plain. A queen-sized brown bed in front of you, two glass doors leading to a small balcony outside behind the bed, a desk where Light sat next to the doors, and bookshelves on the far wall up until another door you presumed was either a closet or a bathroom. It smelled of paperback books and a small hint of cologne. Very masculine, you noted. Sitting on his computer chair still, he was dressed in a simple t-shirt and sweatpants. Now that was more offsetting than the party attire. “If you’re trying to make it obvious you’ve never been in a boy’s bedroom, consider me convinced.” You narrowed your eyes, shutting the door completely. “Lock it.” You did so. “Take a seat.” You did so, awkwardly at the end of his bed.

“Your room’s nice.” He hummed in response, slouched in his chair with his hands flat atop one another. You’d never dreamed you’d see Light Yagami _slouched_ in anything, much less the chair in his bedroom, but you’d given up on the impossibilities of life. Anything was possible. Anything. “I saw L today. After you left, I walked to the bakery down the street, and he was there. He asked about you.”

“What did you say?”

“Well, he asked just to tell him about you, so I said what anyone would. Smart, athletic, all the girls like him. Said you were probably friends with me just because I don’t put you on a pedestal like everyone else does. I don’t think I hinted at anything.” Light seemed content, or at least okay enough with how you handled the situation. It was quiet for a minute, the air waiting for someone to fill it with conversation, though you had no idea how you’d fill it.

“About earlier. I want to know what you were thinking about at the party when you ran inside. ” You shifted, crisscrossing your legs underneath yourself so your legs no longer touched the floor. You dropped your hands to the circle created between your bent legs and fiddled them. You were right. You’d seen this coming and already wrote out your response in your head before you left.

“Uh… yeah. I was standing there and… I was thinking ‘how—just how—am I standing here next to Kira so nonchalantly? How am I not freaking out, or shaking in fear whenever you’re around? How am I so easily leading my friend to you without thinking about everything?’ I thought… I thought that _I_ was turning into the monster I thought you were. And—and I thought, ‘you could easily get rid of every single person here.’ The gravity just hit me like a ton of bricks and I—and I…” You were speaking to Kira himself as if he were your therapist, and it felt _okay._ That’s what was wrong. Wrong didn’t even feel wrong anymore. “I was terrified. Of you. Of what you could do. If I spent one more second on that porch, I don’t know what I would have done, honestly.” What was wrong is that you felt better talking to him.

He rose from his chair. His steps, slow and precise, paused right in front of you. You didn’t look up. He loomed over you like a skyscraper on a stormy day from _The Twilight Zone,_ hands deep in his pockets. You ignored the fact you were eye-level with his crotch. Not the time to point that out. (You were.)

“Are you scared now? Of me?” Still avoiding looking up, you shook your head. No, you weren’t scared of Light Yagami, or Kira, for that matter. You were scared of what he’d do to the people around you, not to you. Killing you would be stupid, practically screaming to the world—to L—that he’s Kira. No, but killing those in ways other than a heart attack, which you knew he could he was capable of doing, would not yell quite as loud. Having your sister diagnosed with an illness that would surely end her? Having your brother die in a car accident? All possible, especially when your brother was in another country, and would hardly link to Light at all.

You’d play along. Now that the initial fear had subsided, and you, yourself, were safe, and your family, as long as you kept your mouth shut, was safe, you were feeling… better. Not fine, but… okay. It was becoming manageable.

It reminded you of The Stanley Milgram Obedience Experiment. In variant studies after the initial one, the “teachers,” more easily shocked the “learners” when they did not observe the “learner” being victim to the shocks the “teacher” was releasing onto them. Maybe that was how Light could stomach it all because Lord knows that’s how it was going to have to work for you. He didn’t have to watch his work in person. From what you could deduce, he’s never seen his work.

No, wait. He has. Maybe. You recalled one of the first public displays of Kira back in high school when L supposedly revealed himself on TV, and Kira easily killed the man on screen only to find out it wasn’t L. Everyone had seen that. Yet, here he was, continuing to kill while getting a perfect night’s sleep. Maybe he was just a sociopath with some serious frontal lobe damage.

“Hey, you there?” He shook you out of your reverie, now leaning so his face was even with yours. At least his pelvis was no longer in sight. You nodded, sighing away all of your previous thoughts. It was your reality now, all of this. There was no psychology class that could explain it. Maybe Sigmund Freud could if you summoned him from the dead.

“Yeah, sorry. I zone out a lot.” He hummed, stepping away from you and pulling a pen from his cup of writing utensils. Taking it apart, he held the ink chamber, spring, and ballpoint tip once the casings were off. Watching him like in the same manner you watched your chemistry professor, in confusion, he lodged it into a small port under the drawer of his desk. “What are you doing?” He didn’t answer, slowly taking out the bottom of the drawer and taking out a black notebook.

Oh. Okay. “That’s it, then? That’s where you get your paper from?” He placed the tablet on his desk. You stood up and walked to stand behind him, looking down at it from over his shoulder. “Death Note, huh? Well, at least the title isn’t misleading. This is the Shinigami one, right?” You remembered him telling you it was in your basement all that time ago. “Ominous. I’m not touching it.” He opened it, revealing the countless names jotted down. “And no one in this house has seen this?” He chuckled.

“They couldn’t even if they tried. If someone were to force the bottom of the drawer open, a circuit would be complete that I made, setting off an explosion, thus burning the Death Note.” And the entire house, he excluded. That was a bit extreme, you thought, but nothing you’d put past him.

“So that’s the deal with the pen and everything. So you just… found this one day?”

“At our high school.”

“Just lying around?”

“Like somebody dropped it as a gift for me.” A terrible gift choice. The best gift you ever received was that foot massager that broke a month after you got it. You’ve never really had the richest life.

“Could you—uh—put it back? It’s a bit… unnerving.” You sauntered away from the desk, not looking when he placed it back in its hiding place if he ever did. You didn’t hear any noise from the drawer. “What I don’t get,” you began, ‘is that criminals die every day, all the time, according to the news, but you’re out-and-about. At university, with friends, and all that.” Light got the jist of the question.

“I can not only control the manner in which someone dies, but the time, and any other details I desire. Remember Raye Penber?” He was twisted in his chair, gazing at you knowingly. You swallowed.

“Yes, I know Raye Penber.”

“Raye Penber. 4:42 P.M.” He was looking at the book itself. “Ah, and here’s the bus-jacker from when I went out with Yuri. ‘Kiichiro Osoreda. Accidental death. Boards the 11:31 Spaceland-bound bus near the eastern entrance park, holding a loaded gun and attempts to hijack the bus. Sees a horrific phantom and empties his gun trying to kill it. Terrified, he flees the bus. Immediately afterward, at 11:45, he dies when struck by a car.’” He moved it over so you could see it too, and, approaching the desk again, you reread the words he just read aloud. His power was omnipotent or seemed like it. Still, you didn’t want to dwell on the topic.

“Yuri still had a good time, despite everything. God,” you brought yourself to laugh, ignoring the gravity of his words lest risking an overwhelming reality check. “I still couldn’t believe she _bragged_ about both going out with you _and_ seeing someone die, and everyone listened in awe. Geez, everyone was so _jealous_ when they heard she got to go out with you, and listened in complete awe at every detail, even the killing. They hardly even paid attention to that detail, which I thought was kinda scary. She was so upset when you never followed up with her.” You stalked away from the desk and the notebook.

Oh, I heard her. Believe it or not, it’s unsettling to hear everybody in school talking about your date. Did she really think I was going to call her back? I think I might have blocked her number. Still,” he paused, “you saw it too. The true nature of the people around us.” Here we go. Just when you thought you could have a semi-normal conversation. “That’s why we’re here. Why you’re here. You’re like me. At first, when I knew you figured it out, I thought I was done for sure. I thought you would run straight to the police, and all of my work for the world would be for nothing, but you didn’t. You never did.” He was grinning. You, on the other hand, had to sit down for his words, because they were still too real for you. “So, no matter how much you’ll deny it, ignore it, distort your reality, I will always know the truth.” Leaning forward, you set your elbows on your knees and covered your face with your hands, peering at him between the cracks of your fingers.

“And… that is?” He spun on the chair to face you, copying your movements to stare right into your eyes.

“You’re Kira too.”


	10. Bad Guy

These days, it didn’t feel like you knew anything, but if there was anything you did know it was that a) you were in fact, not Kira, because when have you killed someone? Never. Though, you understood what he meant when you left his house. You were covering him up, as awful as that sounded, you were, which made you a part of his scheme to take over the world, or whatever, but that didn’t make you _Kira._ It just made you a part of it, but to label yourself as Kira himself? No, just a helper. A secret-keeper. A compatriot. Whether or not that made you as bad as Light, you didn’t think too much into in fear of another complete meltdown.

And B) Kiyomi Takada was a pretentious bitch. Your eyes followed her as she sat in the same front row as you, though on the opposite side of the room. God, if there was one person you hated, it was her. Just how she walked, how she answered questions in class, she reminded you of _him,_ which was probably where the sense of abhorrence stems from. Or the fact she was the only other girl you’ve seen Light openly talk to, besides yourself, because that meant she probably was just as terrible.

But you’ve never shown your hatred. Even your malicious eyes were only for when her back was turned, so no one could have guessed you hated her unless they actively watched you throughout your day, or were particularly observant, or a.k.a. if Light was around. Though, she was particularly smart, so you wouldn’t put it past her noticing one day. So, you’d play naïve if the subject ever came up. You dealt with pretentious bitches all the time. Just look at Light.

There’s been no word from Nori or Harue ever since the party what was held a week ago. They avoided you like the plague on campus, and, after telling Harue you will no longer be helping her “get with” Light, she dropped you like an anchor, screaming about how Nori told her she saw you with him at the party, how she knew you had a thing for him, how she should never have trusted you, how Nori was right, and how she would get him without your help. It didn’t hurt as much as you thought it would. Perhaps, somewhere inside, you knew they weren’t your real friends. Well, you knew Nori wasn’t a real friend since day one, but you caught on to Harue’s not long after.

Takao and Katsu still talked to you, frankly because they didn’t care about your affiliation with Light, and always thought those two were complete bitches anyway, so when they dropped you, those two dropped them. The former smiled as he walked into the classroom, setting his backpack next to yours and setting his books on the desk.

“G’morning,” he yawned. “I heard Harue complaining about you this morning at breakfast. Called you a whore.” You hummed.

“Wasn’t our first conversation about how I’m a virgin or something like that? How I’m the _biggest_ virgin? Her opinion changed pretty fast, huh?” Takao shook his head, stretching his arms and linking his hands behind his head. “It doesn’t matter. She could say or believe what she wants. I only wanted what I thought was best for her.” It was true. There was no remorse for doing the right thing, even if it hurt her, and if she could so easily call you a whore, she wasn’t such the great friend. And Nori was a bitch. (We all knew that.)

“Girls become sensitive when it comes to Light. He’s like holy grail; they all want his love, but they don’t really know if it exists. They just kinda keep searching and hope it’s real. Me, ever the atheist, just want to have a girl in my life that doesn’t compare me to him or talk about him when we’re on a date. Geez, my standards aren’t even that _high_ anymore just talk about _me_ or _kittens_ or _something.”_ He leaned back in his chair in frustration. “But, more curiously, they seem more interested in you these days.”

Not news for you, you mused. Word spread like wildfire about you being caught with him at the party. It wasn’t hard to excuse the cutting glares and muttered disdain in every class, around campus, and anywhere else you were spotted. It didn’t make it any better when Light approached while there were so many eyes scrutinizing you, smiling wide and eyes gleaming. He knew what he was doing, though. He knew how it affected you and your reputation. Why would he? Several reasons popped into your head. Most prevalent was that singling you out from the crowd, ostracizing you from every friend group, would make easiest for him to manipulate you, but it wouldn’t work. Not when you knew what he was planning.

“Why? Because of the party? Or because I talk to Light often?”

“Both. Target number one. Expect buckets of mud above cracked-open doors and whoopie cushions on your seats.” After the party, you felt like none of those pranks were needed. “Some people think you’re in a secret relationship because they always see him staring at you—,”

“What?”

“Hm?”

“What did you just say before?”

“Oh yeah. I always hear that when someone is trying to talk to Light, and you’re in the vicinity, his eyes are glued to your every move. Makes them _so_ mad.” Oh. You didn’t see this coming. Isn’t this where you say that you’ve felt eyes on you? Because you never felt the metaphorical burning sensation of his eyes around campus. Though, perhaps you were too preoccupied in restoring your lost reputation (if you had one in the first place) to notice his supposed stare. That, or you’re too busy trying your best to ignore his existence. “If you don’t mind me asking, what is your relationship with him? And don’t give me that bullshit ‘We went to high school together,’ because I went to high school with plenty of these people, and I hate talking to them. Ever.” You shrugged your shoulders, crossing your arms over your stomach in some sort of defense position. “Like, are you friends? Are you _talking talking?_ Friends with benefits? Secret lovers?”

“You know, for someone who hates when their dates talk about Light Yagami, you’re asking a lot about him too.” He clicked his tongue, letting the chair he was leaning back on fall back onto all four legs.

“Hey, I’m asking for everybody.”

“What do you mean _everybody?“_ He rolled his eyes like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“I mean everybody. Do you know how many people ask me, Light, Harue, and Nori what your relationship is with him? Too many.” You furrowed your brows.

"Why don’t they just ask me?”

“That’s what I’m doing now!”

“I guess that’s true. Well, here’s my official statement to the press. There is nothing going on between me and Light Yagami. We’re… friends. That’s it. He just… watches over me because he knows how… awkward and socially naïve I could be, and with the party mess…” You had no choice but to exaggerate, but now you were polishing his already inflating ego, but there was nothing else you could think of on the spot. Takao nodded his head in understanding.

“That makes sense… with the party incident and all. I figured there was no funny business, but hopefully, now I can help you get out the public eye.”

“You’d do that?” He shrugged dramatically, scratching the back of his head.

"Yeah, why not? It’s not fair that so many people don’t like you for the sole reason that Light talks to you more than them. You’re one of the most tolerable people in this place. Though, all it takes for someone to be tolerable here is to not be as shallow as a kiddie pool. Here, it’s made up of two types of students: the super smart and the super rich, and with both comes with incredibly haughty and disdainful people who look for flaws and faults in each other. It gets… boring.”

“So, I’m just a change of pace?” He shakes his head rapidly.

“Nononono, I did _not_ mean that. I just meant that if there’s someone they shouldn’t hate on, it’s you. Jealousy is ugly, and it’s widespread here. You shouldn’t be the object of it.” You flushed. The newfound feeling of being watched over and cared for, overcame you, and it was nice. It wasn’t the feeling you had when Light watched over you. It was so much better and fresher, like a breath of cold air on a hot day. You smiled fondly at the boy, who stared at his desk in mild embarrassment.

“No ones really ever thought about me that much before. I really appreciate it. If there’s anything that I can do for you, just let me know.” By the end of your last word, you both looked at the sound of the door opening, then to the clock. Three minutes before class begins. That was late for Light Yagami. You avoided watching him as his eyes scanned the room, but you knew Takao stared at him. His footsteps echo past you. Curious, and pleasantly surprised, you watched as he took a seat next to Takada without a glance in your direction.

“Huh,” Takao. Your eyes met.

“Huh,” you repeated.

Yes, Light talked to her, but he never chose her over you. It made you… happy. You cracked a grin at your seatmate and broke into a small fit of laughter that was shared between the two of you. “That’s really weird. Do you think the rumors will shift over to her?” Takao shook his head.

“No way. No offense, but you’re an easy target. Kiyomi, well, not so much. She’s got that intelligent-overconfident-dominatrix feel to her that makes everyone avoid her. Plus, she’s hot, so you add that to it it’s a recipe for disaster. If anything, I could see Light ending up with her—not that I give a shit about Light’s love life—but it’s most logical.” You had to agree with him. Kiyomi was everything you weren’t, though you’d never admit it. Green was not your color, and you’d never wear it, especially over Light Yagami. In fact, you were thankful to her at that moment. Risking yourself a glance over, you caught them in the middle of light banter, and, almost immediately, Light caught your eyes, like he was waiting for it. Without an acknowledgment, you let yourself focus back on Takao.

“Is she, like, the Light but for guys?” 

“Yeah, if I want my dick cut off. Not my type, though there’s plenty out there that would say differently. I prefer a girl that’s… normal.” You hummed, not being able to conjure a reply before the professor walked in and the hall went silent.

“I’ll never understand that shit,” Takao sighed when you both exited the room. “I mean, titrations? Buffer solutions? Why do I have to take the negative log of this one then subtract that from fourteen but not with that one?” Thanking him while he held the door to the outside for you, you entered breathed in the cool air.

“You take the negative log of an H plus, you get a pH. You take the negative log of an OH negative, you have to subtract that from fourteen to get the pH because it gives you the pOH initially. Buffer solutions just say that in a weak conjugate acid-base pair, if you add stuff, the pH won’t change unless it breaks the buffer capacity.” The male groaned, shifting the straps of his backpack on his shoulders.

“Please stop. Just because you’re smart doesn’t mean I am.”

“If you do the problems he recommends us to try, it will come with practice, but, I know, you have basketball all the time, but you knew that coming into the whole student-athlete lifestyle. Maybe you should switch to business like you were saying?”

“Y/N.” Takao’s eyes flittered to you knowingly. You rolled your eyes, wanting nothing more but to pretend you didn’t hear the call, but your superego would never let you. Both of you turn around, you were faced with Light’s soft expression. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt. I just had to talk to you about something.” You glanced at Takao.

“Oh. What is it?” Light cleared his throat, saying all he needs to with his look at Takao. The basketball player, grinning, took a mocking bow.

“Oh, of course. I’ll catch you later Y/N, alright? Katsu and I are going to that restaurant he was telling you about the other day. I’ll text you.” You waved him goodbye, and Light gave him a polite smile before it falling steeply when his back turned.

“You’re awful close to him.”

“He’s nice, Light, and he’s really been helping me out recently. I don’t know why it has anything to do with you.” He nearly rolled his eyes.

"It doesn’t. I don’t care what you do, but, as your friend, I thought I should tell you that he’s just as fake as everyone else here. He’s trying to take advantage of you.” Now it was your turn to roll your eyes, shifting your weight from one foot to the other.

“Here we go _again_ with this. You said the same thing last time—,”

“And I was right, wasn’t I?”

“Not the point. The point is, is that it happened once, and I should have seen it coming. The signs were all there, but I was just too happy to _finally_ have a _real_ friend, that I overlooked them all, but I won’t do it again. Takao has done nothing but include me in his plans and make sure that the _shit_ I get from being seen with you so often doesn’t get me hurt.” Light mouth twisted in intense thought.

“And I told you the first time, and I’m telling you again. No one here really cares about you or your well-being. They just want to use you as a stepping stool. Even if you don’t see it, _I_ do.” You sighed.

“And Kiyomi?”

“What about her?”

“She’s not shallow and using you? She really cares about you?”

“I don’t see how she has anything to do with this.”

“Well, if you could judge my friends so harshly, why can’t I judge yours?”

“Kiyomi is one of the few tolerable people in this place, and, believe it or not, I could talk to more people than just you. She at least knows the superficialities of this school, which you don’t, and she and I have… similar views.” You weren’t going to ask. God, you weren’t going to ask nor you were going to pop off on him because you _too_ could talk to more than just him, but you forced yourself to swallow your words and your pride.

“Fine, Light. I will be more careful of who I associate myself with.” Because there can’t be anyone _worse_ to associate with than Kira himself. “But I literally talk to three people on campus, and one of them is you, sadly. I don’t see why you’re so bothered by it.”

“That’s the thing, Y/N. You don’t see. You don’t see what I see. That’s why I have to be your eyes for you. Just like at the party. Can’t you see I’m trying to protect you?” You didn’t reply, for another voice called out to him from behind his back. While Light turned around to acknowledge her, your eyes trained on the trees lining the stone path. “Yes, I’m coming.” He turned back to you. “One day, Y/N, you’re not going to see me as the bad guy.”

That’s the day you would fear more than any other, you thought while he met with Kiyomi back up with path. The day you started believing what he said was right, and you feared that day maybe sooner than you’d ever want.


	11. Shepherd in White

You hated watching the news. Usually, at dinner or breakfast, when your sister would revel in the daily Kira coverage, you would duck out as soon as possible unless your mother called you out for “missing out on family time” for either meal. This time, it was the nightly news, April 18th. Your mother had made a meal from your home country and your mouth was practically watering for it. You didn’t even think about the news until… until it all happened.

A message from Kira. When the words rang through the kitchen, you nearly choked on the food in your throat. A million thoughts ran through your head. What was Light doing? The public already knew what he can do. Hell, the _world_ already knew what he could do, so why would he need to broadcast a message? What was so important he had to contact television? Had something drastic happened or changed? You didn’t think so. The only thing new with Light was the time he was spending with Kiyomi, and there was _no way_ that she could be influencing this kind of behavior out of him, and it was impossible that he had even told her, so she was out of the question. It just seemed stupid.

Food forgotten entirely, your attention, along with your sister’s and mother’s, focused on the television. There were four videos sent to Sakura TV by Kira, the first proving it was truly Kira by predicting someone’s death. It had to be authentic, then, because Sakura TV had never succumbed to Kira-hype before, only the deaths caused by it, and there weren’t too many people that could predict deaths. They asked, then for the audience to change the channel, as another newscaster would die in a few moments. Your heart peaked and you yelled to your sister to change it. Your adrenaline began to kick. Legs shaking, the heels of your feet shook rapidly.

There was only a body left. God, what was he doing? Showing off his power everyone knew he had? His views that everyone already knew? To kill innocents so lightly and publicly was so unlike Light, unlike Kira, against his beliefs, so stupid of him, you wondered if he was drunk or something. He’d never do something like this for the sole reason of what it would accomplish. Nothing. It wouldn’t move Kira or his plan forward, only show it off. So, why was he doing this? Could he be bored? No, he wouldn’t simply become bored with L hot on his trail all the time. That would be illogical. All that was left was… nothing. You had no idea what Light was doing nor why. He said, so many times, that he’s the “good guy,” yet here is in a public display of murder. There’s no justice in killing innocents for show. For attention. Your stomach churned and your limbs began to shake from nerves.

Flipping back to Sakura, they began to play his voice message. Now, now you were really lost. What the hell was he doing? What did he have to say and why does he have to say it? There’s nothing to prove that hasn’t already been proven before. So, you listened to his word, and nothing there surprised you except for the fact he had to say it to the world, but, what did shock you to your core, was the dead body outside Sakura TV. You knew something was weird then. Was Light at Sakura TV? Did he know that man? Did he plan him to be outside of the station at that very time? It was unlikely he was a criminal, and Light had to know his name to kill him, right? Or was he hiding the fact he doesn’t need a name? You didn’t know. Everything was so… off. What he was saying, the police as allies not enemies, asking no one to pursue him, not publicize negative views of Kira anywhere, _asking_ the police to join him in his plight? Light has never expressed _any_ of those views and never cared about those who didn’t agree unless they actively worked to stop him. This was insane. This must be a drastic measure. You sat frozen still in your chair, heart palpitating rapidly.

Was he desperate? No, not even Light desperate could spark such action. But what if…

What if it wasn’t Light?

You took a soft breath out of your mouth. Thinking so much isn’t going to help you at all. The only person who could explain all of this to you was Light himself, but he seemed a little, preoccupied at the moment. Still, you had to stop it. What he was doing was plain idiotic and unnecessary. Nerves and adrenaline kicking, you abruptly left the kitchen, snatching your phone from the table and dialing his contact on your run to your room. You didn’t give him the time to speak.

“Light, what the _fuck_ are you doing? Are you high or something? Why would you—I mean, what in the world—I don’t even know, like, what is going on? What’s with this killing innocents to prove what people already know _shit?_ I’m kind of freaking out. I was _frozen_ at my table trying to understand _what_ is running through your mind right now. I mean, what’s with asking the police to _join_ you? Don’t you think L is going to tell them not to? Have you gone stupid or something?”

“Are you done yet?” He paused. “It’s not me.” You paced around your room.

“What do you mean it’s _not you.”_ He sighed.

“Just get over here, and I’ll show you.”

"Are you home?”

“Just get here.” The line dropped. You let out one, shaky breath of anger. Throwing on a jacket and shoes, you rushed down the stairs, almost knocking Roselyn right on her back.

“Hey, I was just coming to check on you. Is everything okay?” Bewildered, you nodded your head urgently, muscles shaking and wanting nothing more than to bull past her and sprint down the street.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m completely fine. I just have to run out somewhere.”

“At six?”

“Yeah, it’s for school. I’ll be _right_ back.” You didn’t give her the time to question you, as you were already out the door and running down the street. You nearly busted into the Yagami household but managed to stop yourself and knock on the door in a relatively calm manner. Light’s little sister opened the door.

“Hello?”

“Hi, yeah. I’m Light’s friend.” She stepped back, opening the door wider to allow you to enter.

“He’s upstairs in his room, like always.”

“Thank you. I’m Y/N, by the way. Hello. We’ve never met, but I’ve been over once.” You spoke so fast you wondered if she managed to register any of it. You shut the door behind you.

“I’m Sayu. I remember, don’t worry. Light doesn’t have too many people over.”

“Yeah, he’s not much of a social butterfly. Anyway, thanks. Nice meeting you!” You called the last part over your shoulder while you ran up the stairs and didn’t manage to be as polite in knocking as you were at the front door. It was only a quarter of a second after you finished knocking when you let yourself in.

Light stood in the middle of his room watching the small TV at his desk, one arm across his chest, the other perpendicular with its hand holding his chin in thought. You moved to stand next to him and watch the TV. There was now a police car and two dead officers besides it outside of the station. Police surrounded the entire area, covered head to toe carrying riot shields. “They’re fighting back. That means…” Light scoffed.

“Did you not think that L would make sure no one gave into this Kira’s demands?” So Light was thinking the same thing as you. Slightly frightening, but also kind of nice to hear. The Kira on TV began to speak again. Take the life of the Director General of the NPA or L himself if they don’t agree to cooperate in four days. Then, the message cuts.

“Care to explain?”

“Another Shinigami must have entered the human world, and their death note fell into someone who follows Kira’s belief’s hand.” He sighed. “There is a deal I could make that would grant me the eyes of the Shinigami. With that, I would be able to know someone’s real name by just seeing their face. This Kira took that deal and that way their power surpasses mine.” You weren’t going to ask about _another_ Shinigami. That would be for later. “The cost is that half of the owner’s lifespan is taken away.”

“So, there’s another notebook around? L could be dead in a matter of days with that kind of power. You know that, right?” Light shook his head.

“You said it yourself, Y/N. These actions are unacceptable. These killings tarnish the name of Kira. I’ve told you Kira doesn’t kill innocents. I cannot allow someone running around recklessly with the kind of power they have.”

“So, you want to find them? Logical, but how do you plan to do that?” Light turned to you, a smirk present on his lips.

“I need to become a member of the task force. L himself extended an offer to me after my father’s heart attack—,”

“Oh my— your father had a heart attack? Is he okay?”

“He’s fine. The point is that L is going to look for this Kira as well. I have a feeling it won’t be long until we find this imposter, especially if they’re so dedicated to me. They’ll want to meet me too.”

"So, you’ll expose yourself to them?”

“This is a power I cannot ignore. With the eyes, our power grows exponentially. If they believe in Kira as much as they claim they do, they’ll be nothing but loyal to me and what I say.” You opted to ignore the ‘our,’ too.

“So, a weapon, is what you’re saying. Light, not to be presumptuous or anything, but if they did all of this showing off and all these theatrics, do you really think they’d have the head to keep all of this, me, you, covert? Don’t you think adding more factors to this is putting us in more risk?”

You didn’t care what happens to Light when you first thought about it, but then you realized whatever happens to Light will happen to you too. You’ll be dragged down right with him. That was why he called you Kira that one night, because Kira’s fate was your fate. You were the secret-keeper, as you claimed before, but it didn’t matter what you called yourself. Your fate has been bounded with his ever since that night in your basement. You accepted that, and you had to do what you can to make sure no one ever finds out Light’s identity, for your own sake if no one else’s.

“Would you rather us let this imposter run free with this power? Do you think they’d simply give up after going to the length they did for me to notice them?” You sighed. “Y/N. This power can give us all the cards we need to win.”

“That’s not what I’m getting at, Light. The power, yeah, but the person is what I’m concerned about. I’m not about to judge someone I’ve never seen or do not know, but by the actions taken tonight, I don’t think it’s something we can invite with open arms, do you?” Light shook his head.

“There’s a greater danger in letting them run around then taking them in and using them. From what I gathered, they’re loyal to Kira, and, therefore, willing to carry out what I say. L could be dead in days with this. You know just as well as I this is not something we ignore.” You plopped yourself on the edge of his bed, crossing your legs and letting your knee support the elbow of the arm that had the hand that held your chin in thought.

“Okay, fine. We get this copy. How? Join the task force like you said? Little suspicious if you knock on L’s door singing to join his gang.”

“I’ll think of something. For now, you should head back home. Your family is probably wondering why you sprinted out of the house.”

“H-how do you know I ran?”

“You walked in the door sweating and out of breath.”

“Goodbye. Call me when something comes up.”

He didn’t call, instead, your text tone rang in the early hours of the day. Still groggy, you rubbed the grime from your eyes and squinted to translate the message.

**Light: Sorry! Can’t hang out today. Something important popped up. Call you later?**

He always coded his texts into polite, normal texts in case anyone ever digs into his sent texts. You could spend your time trying to figure out what he meant, but who had the time for that. Besides, he’d tell you later. Why worry about it when he’d tell you everything in that annoyed tone of his anyway? So, burying your phone back in your drawer, you headed downstairs where your sister lounged on the sofa.

“What happened?”

“Huh?”

“Rose, you’re never up this early. What’s going on?”

“I’m starving. Can we go out to breakfast?” You glared at her, seeing if you could mock the way Light did when his deducing powers were in motion. Failing, you nodded your head and asked her to wait for you to change. Shorts and a sweater later, you followed your sister to the bus stop. “Fuck driving,” she said, ever so eloquently, when you asked why she wasn’t driving. Something must really be bugging her.

Downtown, you followed her into a small café, quirky bookshelves with long vines draped from the plants on top lined the upper walls. Natural tones filled the area giving the toned down _Rainforest Café_ feel to it. Multiple waiters and waitresses called her by name as you made your way to your seats, and you wondered how many times she comes here. Planting in the corner table, you scooted to sit across from her. It was quiet, at first. The waitress, eyes full of pity, had taken the food orders and distributed your drinks by the time your sister opened her mouth.

“You must be wondering why I dragged you out here.”

“It popped into my head, yes.”

“Well, I need to tell you something. For a while now, I’ve been talking with these people online. People that… have the same views as me. On Kira.” Oh, God. “After graduation, I got an email from one of them. Apparently, they’re part of this… club that they want me to join.”

“So, a cult.”

“ _No,_ not a cult. They just… like Kira.”

“That’s a euphemism for worship, isn’t it?”

“Y/N. Hear me out. They’re the _only_ people that I have ever connected with about this. The only people who agree with me that I know.” You huffed, glancing out the window and tongue circling in your mouth. “Y/N, please. You have to encourage me. Nothing has ever felt this… right before.” _Right?_ For a few moments, you sat in silence. “Please say something. Oliver will never talk to me again if I tell him, so you’re my only shot of approval.”

“Why do you need my approval so much?”

“Because… because I already accepted.”

“You _what?”_

“I know. I know. Last night I did. I couldn’t sleep and it felt like the right thing to do. They meet only once a week.” You sighed.

“It’s a _cult,_ Rose. A _cult._ Are you delusional or something? First, they’re going to ask you to attend a meeting, then two. Next thing you know, you’re committing murder. Foot-in-the-door phenomenon.”

“You’re overreacting.”

“My sister’s a _cult_ member. Yes, I’m freaking out. What else do you know about them besides that they meet once a week? Where? What’s the name? Who’s in charge? What do they do?”

“You only think that because you don’t agree with me! I thought that you’d at least hear me out before judging me. You’re supposed to be the one with an open mind!” Her voice was beginning to rise in volume. You breathed again, calmly, stretching your hands. Attitude nor high emotions would work. You had to approach this gently.

“Okay, Rose. You joined a club with people of similar views and interests. I understand that. I just want to make sure you’re one-hundred percent on what goes on there and know that you’re in good, safe hands.” You spoke in the same tone you’d speak to a toddler who needed a lesson. Your sister rolled her eyes, but it was more of the type that said: “well, that’s obvious.”

“There are no safer hands than Kira’s.” Well, no, you thought. Kira’s hands were often well-moisturized, though, if that counted. “I know you’re worried about me, I do, but I’m an adult. I can make my own decisions and I have a really, really good feeling about this one. They don’t get actively involved in his works, no one does.” No one, except you, you thought. “So there’s no danger. It’s more observation than anything.”

“Okay, Rose. It’s your life. Do what you want. It’s fine.”

“Thank you! Oh my God, thank you. Just don’t tell mom or Oliver. Especially Oliver. You know how he gets. He’ll lose his complete shit and never talk to me again.”

How many of these cults were there, then? You hadn’t even considered the possibility of such organizations growing so rapidly. Having an army behind his back gives Kira more power. Plus, if Light manages to get the second Kira on deck and kills L, who knows what could stop him? L is the only person keeping him capped and his guard up. After that’s over, what’s to stop him? It’s almost certain that anyone below Light’s intelligence stands no chance. Plus, what would it matter when this other Kira has this supposed “eye?” Maybe, if you’re lucky, this new agent will replace you, and you’d no longer have ties to Kira, and you’d be free of this intertwined fate. Just maybe.

It wasn’t until late night that your phone rang. Lounging in your night clothes on your bed, you turned over to answer the device vibrating on your nightstand.

“Hello?”

“Things got a lot easier. The Task Force called me and asked for my help. They know that there’s a copycat out there too. They’re going to find them. We’re going to broadcast a message from the ‘real’ Kira in hopes they will follow his instructions and have him reveal himself. We should have them in a matter of days.”

“Well, that was easy, wasn’t it?”

“Too easy. L still has a belief that I’m Kira. Being this close to him is a blessing and a danger. Has he ever approached you after that time in the bakery?”

“No. I haven’t even seen him around campus.”

“Good. If he ever does, keep up the façade that we’re friends, but nothing more. If he thinks we’re close friends, he’d believe you could know something, and it would be easier to get something out of you—because you’re an awful liar—than anyone else, but if we’re not, it looks suspicious, and the evidence of us talking and the party incident would counteract with us ‘not being close.’ Got it?”

“I’m not stupid, Light. If you get busted, so will I. I’m not going to let that happen.”

“Good. We’re on the same page.” There was a pause.

“Say, Light, were you aware of the cult-like organizations sprouting around?”

“Yeah, of course. What of them?”

“My sister joined one.”

“Which one?”

“I don’t know. None of them try to reach out and _do_ anything, do they?”

“Some, but I haven’t checked the internet in a while. None that I’ve seen has had any extremist trait on them. They know that would go against Kira to act in his will from their own conscious. Why? Are you worried about her?”

“Slightly, yes.”

“If they’re real followers of Kira, then they’d know not to hurt her, or go out and do something stupid ‘in the name of Kira.’” Were there fake followers then? Those who desired to act out what they believe Kira wants for the world? Not yet, from what you’ve seen, but a scary possibility in time.

“It’s like its own religion.” Light chuckled. “They follow so blindly.”

“In this world, Y/N, you are either a sheep or a shepherd. You lead the sheep or be the sheep. The sheep follow the shepherd. They always have. They always will. I’ll call you again when something comes up.” The line went dead.

It was a cruel world, then. The unknowing sheep being led by the devil dressed in white with an omnipotent power only fortune gave him. Or perhaps misfortune. You often wondered what Light would be like if he weren’t tainted by the notebook. If his soul were still pure and able to smile at those passing him in the halls and on campus. If he would be able to feel empathy once more. If he would work to make the world a _real_ better place. You guessed there was no point in imagining such a world, for it died the day his fingers touched that tablet. In the real world, the sheep followed the shepherd, the shepherd dressed in white. Or they died.

A cruel world indeed.


	12. Normal Life

Okay, there were two Kiras. Awesome. Amazing. There’s nothing that could make you happier. Except there was. Literally anything else. How were you supposed to integrate by parts when that was going on in your life? It must have been the third hour of you at the campus library trying to complete your homework. If the librarian wasn’t judging you before, she definitely was now. Well, if she had your problems, she’d appreciate the current peace and quiet as much as you did.

“Fuck,” you muttered out, breaking the current lead sticking out of your pencil again. No, you weren’t going to get this done today. Shutting your soft-covered book, you leaned back in the wooden chair and let out the millionth sigh that “study session.” You didn’t know how you were keeping your grades up. Perhaps school work was one of your only distractions from Light and all of his… business. He’d told you not to worry about the second Kira, most likely hinting that you were on a need-to-know basis, which you couldn’t complain about. Ideally, it would be a “never-know basis,” but that was in a dream world.

Still, you couldn’t help but contemplate as to why Light insisted on keeping you in the know, so to speak. Any way you looked at it, you were a liability. How could someone who held no power that could contribute to his cause be someone worth keeping around? That night, which felt like years ago, it seemed like it was to make sure you wouldn’t spill, but, if you were going to, you would have already, so there must be another reason he’s keeping to himself. That, or something completely different. Either way, you couldn’t figure it out, and you weren’t going to give yourself a headache just to attempt to unravel something that had no chance of being unraveled. You’d throw that in the “questions-that’ll-never-get-answered” pile, right next to “How did I get here?” and "Why am I sometimes sad when you ignore me?"

“Hey, are you okay?” Shaken from your reverie, you looked to the new voice. Okay, maybe there was one thing that could make your life worse right now.

“What? Yeah, I’m fine. Thanks.” The last thing you wanted to do was gage yourself in a conversation with Takada right now.

“Are you sure? You were here when I walked in, and that was nearly an hour and a half ago, and for most of the time, you’ve been staring at the wall over there.”

“Yeah, there’s just a lot of stuff going on right now. Thanks for asking, really, but I’m fine.” You began to rise from the chair, gathering your books and taking your backpack off the back of the chair. Why was she still standing there? You glanced at her a few times, and she continued her stare at you. “Is there something else?”

“Actually, yes.” It’s going to be about Light. How do you know this? Everything is about Light. Especially if a stranger comes up to you and needs to ask you something. Then, it’s always about Light. You've picked up on this pattern long ago.

“It’s about Light.” You should start betting money. Still, you put on your naïve face, just as you did when every other goddamned girl in this school came up to you and asked about the same topic, and replied.

“Oh? What about him?”

“What’s your relationship with him?” You continued to pack up your stuff.

“We’re just friends. We went to high school together. Nothing. Else.” You learned you had to stress that last part. One time, a girl figured just friends meant FWB and that got real messy real quick. “So, there’s nothing to worry about.” She began to snicker as you threw your backpack over your shoulders. What was so funny to her? If she didn’t tell you soon, you swore you were going to sock her in the face.

“Oh, I wasn’t asking for my own interest. I’m not interested in Light like that.” Sure, you weren’t, you thought. “But I can imagine you get asked that a lot. I was asking because he’s awful interested in what you do.” You furrowed your eyebrows. Was this about what Takao said? About how he’s always looking at you or something?

“What do you mean?” You both began to exit the library.

“It’s nothing that would make me guess he had feelings for you or anything. It’s more… protective, if anything. I would presume it’s from the party incident, and he’s looking out for you.” She paused. “Still, you don’t see him doing that for many others, myself included, so it makes me wonder why. That’s why I asked about the nature of your relationship.” Nosey bitch. He was probably watching to make sure you didn’t spontaneously decide to turn against him because of Takao’s or somebody’s influence. You wouldn’t, but the chance was always there and it was always so tempting. The prospect of a normal life again haunted your dreams, but you knew better. Ever since you stuck your nose in the wrong place, nothing has or will be the same. It’s something you’ve come to accept bitterly.

But the chance is always there, right?

The question moved to, then, what kept you there? What keeps you, every day, from taking that chance? If you ran to the Task Force now and told them, Light couldn’t kill you. That would point right to him. Plus, knowing L he wouldn’t do anything to potentially put you, someone who supposedly knew Kira, in harm’s way, hopefully, and you’d be saving countless lives. Incarcerating him would end everything, and your life and the world would be back to normal. What the fuck kept you from doing that?

"No, Light and I are just friends. He probably looks out for me because I’m really bad in social situations and everything social in general. There’s nothing special about me.” The sun had begun to set when you and she stood on the stairs outside the library’s doors. “I have to be getting home. It was nice talking to you. See you in class.” You began to flee down the steps, but her voice stopped you in your tracks before you can get too far.

“Nothing special? I wouldn’t say that at all. You managed to achieve something countless people on campus want to do. There has to be something about you that makes you stand out.” Maybe because you weren’t crazy. You heard her footsteps approach from behind you. “Y/N, right? We haven’t properly been introduced. You must think I’m so rude by interrogating you out of the blue before. I’m Kiyomi Takada. I’ll see you around?”

“Y-yeah. Sure. See you.”

Light hadn’t contacted you in days. You wondered what exactly has been going on within the Task Force that kept him so occupied. Maybe you should just block his number or freak out and say you’re done with this Kira sh—oh, you already did that, and nothing changed. Flipping around in your bed, you faintly thought of Harue, and you missed having friends, even fake friends, around. People to talk to that weren’t sociopaths. Honestly, the standards were low. You considered calling Takao, but your second thoughts got the better of you, and you decided he didn’t want to be bothered by you.

Seconds turned to minutes and minutes turned to hours, and before you knew it you were staring at the stars outside your window. Your mother had turned it for the night, and your sister was who-knows-where. The bugs chirped in one chorus and the occasional car would pass, but other than that all you could hear was your own breathing. You didn’t know when, or how, but somewhere between the cricket’s endless song and the cars’ engines, you began to cry.

Warm, salty tears slowly were dragging down your cheeks and onto your lap. There were only a few. They weren’t the tears from the party that wrenched your guts out and suffocated you. No, these ones stung your heart. It wasn’t tears of pain. You knew those. These were tears of melancholy, dejection. Anything sad and poetic was written in these solitary drops of water, but you didn’t want to choke or sob tonight. They wouldn’t match the crickets’ symphony outside, so you went to bed, allowing your pillow to soak up the water that you could not.

When Light’s contact name appeared on your phone while you sat alone in the school’s dining hall, you could only stare at it until it stopped. You wanted him to call back, just to make sure it was real. You sat frozen still until it lit up again, and waited until the very last ring to pick it up.

“There you are. Where were you the first time? Ugh, nevermind that. Look, I met the second Kira. We’ve been intercepting messages sent to Sakura TV over a course of time, and she had sent a journal of dates and places. She was able to identify me at the place she had hinted at me to go in a journal she sent to us to since she cannot see the lifespan of another person in possession of a death note with the Shinigami eyes. She isn’t as idiotic as we presumed, and I don’t think we need to worry about her loyalty to me.”

“And why is that?”

“She’s infatuated with me. She asked even if she could be my girlfriend, and the easiest way I can manipulate her is if she continues to feel that way. I only have to act as a boyfriend to her.”

“So, you’re manipulating this poor girl’s feelings?” You wish you could say that was the first time, but you knew this must be at least the third. You glanced around the hall, checking if anyone was close enough to hear your exchange. Not wanting to risk anything, you rose to your feet and headed to put your tray away.

“Y/N. The best way to achieve what we want with her power is to have control over it. The more I keep her happy, the more she will be willing to give. She could be our ticket to killing L.” What we want. Our ticket. 

”Who is she? Have I ever heard of her?”

“Misa Amane.”

“The fucking model?” Of course, she was a model. Just when you thought your self-esteem couldn't be more rock-bottom right now. “I’m not going to ask. Really, I’m not. So, she knows everything.”

“Not everything. There’s one detail I didn’t mention.”

“Which is?”

“You.”

“Me, because she’s infatuated with you and if she finds out there’s someone else in your life, a girl, that knows your identity she might not take it well and you’ll lose your weapon.” It didn’t take a deductive genius to figure that out. You wanted to say you might be overestimating her reaction, but if she’s so into Light and Kira after only just meeting him, you couldn’t imagine her being… calm, but you didn’t want to presume anything, it was only a guess. Still, if you could get away from the situation, at least for a little, from this Misa, you would.

“Exactly, so we’ll need to keep our space for the time being since I’ll be introducing Misa as my ‘girlfriend.’ If anyone asks, just say we had a small fight.” He paused. “Stay away from that Takao too. I don’t want you associating with him while I’m not there.”

“It’s not like you’re leaving or something. Should I tell people at school you have a girlfriend?”

“I don’t see how that should come up, but it shouldn’t make a difference. If anything, it would make your life easier from everyone who grills you about us.” You hummed. “I’ll talk to you later then.” The line dropped.

Mid-campus you stopped as you hung up the call as well. Dropping your hands to the side, you didn’t know what to feel. This is what you wanted, right? To be free of Light? Shouldn’t you be jumping for joy right about now? Shouldn’t you be thanking the heavens for the release? Then, why weren’t you? What conflict was stirring in the pit of your stomach? Gripping your phone tighter, you shoved all of the thoughts in the back of your head and made your way to the next class. You were sure physics would keep your mind from it.

t didn’t. The professor’s drawling voice somehow couldn’t keep your mind focused on the work in front of you. More than an hour later, your mind still tried to work out what was going on with your morals and conscience. Squeezing the straps on your shoulders, you decided it would be best to head home. Maybe a video call to your brother later would make you feel better, or maybe in a few days, everything would be gone from your system. That feeling of freedom you’d expect might make its appearance then unless it was waiting for when you were truly free.

Still, the thought of this second Kira replacing you came to mind. What if he dropped you for her? Finally, threw you out of this whole unasked-for situation? You’d be happy, right? Safe. No more secrets to pile on to more secrets that could put you on death row. Plus, one of the only people you talk to won’t be a murderer. So, maybe it wasn’t so bad. If only your gut told you the same.

When your phone rang while you were halfway through the quad, you picked it up before two rings could even sound without bothering with the caller ID. You had to stay away from him as much as possible. Break all connections while you still could. That way, that normal life could become a possible outcome if you only tried. Now, while he's at least a little distracted, seemed like the opportune time to do so. 

"What?" You hissed angrily. 

"Woah, what's wrong? Is everything alright? I swear, I've been trying to shut down the rumor that you're a witch, so don't be mad at me, please." Takao's high voice rang through the phone, fast and anxious. You sighed.

"Witch? Nevermind. Sorry. I thought you were somebody else. What's up?" 

"Oh, I know you just got out of physics, so I was wondering if you'd want to hit up this cool coffee place I found on accident. By accident, I mean by the modern hipsters of the town, you know. Anyway, supposed to be good." He knew your last class today? Why would he pay attention to that? If he wanted to know where you were that must mean that he was planning... no. Takao is not Light. You didn't have to think into his words as you did L's and Light's, and in turn, heedfully articulate your own. Takao was normal, right? He was nice and sincere, built without ulterior motives. 

Except not according to Light. According to residing sociopath, Takao was manipulative and using you for his own personal gains, someway somehow. Light was always right, as far as you were concerned. What reason would Light have to turn you against other people? He knew you weren't going to spill his secret, right? Then why did he— 

Okay, why the hell were you still concerned with Light Yagami's opinion? Weren't you talking about breaking connections just before? To do so, you'll have to make new connections. This could be one. You just couldn't overthink it. The chance to still be a normal, college student and live a normal adult life was still there, small, but tangible. You just had to take the proper steps away from Light to do so. This was one. 

"Oh, sure yeah. Where are you? I'm in the quad. I'm wearing—" 

"A white t-shirt and shorts?" 

"Um, yeah."

"Don't sound so scared." The line dropped. "I'm right here." Nearly jumping out of your shoes, the smiley boy stood behind you with his hands behind his back. 

"How long have you been there? You nearly scared the daylights out of me." He laughed.

"I saw you when I was walking past Bakerman Hall while we were still on the phone. Also heard people say 'there's the witch!' so that helped." Your nose scrunched in disgust. 

"Witch, really? That's such bullshit. You definitely made that up." Takao cleared his throat. 

"Oh, yeah, I totally did. You caught me. Anyway, wanna head out? I know the way." So, you followed him until the path became familiar to you and you were standing in front of the same cafe you ate at with Light the day after the party. "Come on. Have you been here before?" You shook your head.

"No, no way. Never."

"Cool, cool. Let's scout out a table." 

You never really thought that through your altercations with Light and such, you would find yourself substantially different. Sure, your philosophy on life and death and the sort would change, but you, as a person, couldn't have changed that much, right? Wrong. Takao went on about homework, school, basketball, gossip, shade, but you found yourself caring for none of it. You wanted to scream that such things were trivial in the big picture, that none of it mattered. You faked interest and laughter, unable to enjoy a single ounce of the conversation the whole hour or so it took to sit down, eat, and go home. 

In fact, the whole time you found yourself reading into his words, looking for hints he was faking it all, or double-crossing you, and you calculated your words defensively to imply skepticism. You weren't going to lie to yourself as to why. Light's suspicion of him resounded in your mind the entire time. It bounced around in your head and your mind decided to apply the same suspicion to every one of the, like, six, friends you've made. 

In your bed that night, you decided you hated Takao, and the girl you helped with calculus, and the boy who could not apply the Ideal Gas Law to anything, and everyone else. You hated them. You hated the normal life they got to live. You hated that the biggest problems they had were passing a test and being worried what their significant other thought of them, or what they were going to wear, or where they were going to eat. Why did you miss that life in high school? Did destiny decide this was what your life was going to be? Full of jealousy, skepticism, mistrust, and secrets? You guessed the biggest question was, was it too late for that life? Was a normal life really out of your reach? Were you really so wrong in believing it was possible?

By how today's lunch went, it was. By the sad feeling swirling in your stomach from... something, it was. At least you still had your dreams, right?


	13. Don't Freak Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> if i ever write a dream sequence again, kill me.

Life was great. Honestly, what were you ever worried about? Besides the whole Kira thing, life was amazing, great. Takao had introduced you to fellow members of his basketball team and some of their girlfriends, who _definitely_ were not interested in Light, so they didn’t give two shits about your association, or former one. You drastically went out of your way to avoid Light, as in walking an extra twenty minutes to avoid anywhere in the middle of campus. In class, it was sitting in the very back corner of class with Takao (much to his delight) and his friends. Sure, the lessons are a little blurry in your mind, and you’re not too sure of what’s going on sometimes, but this is what a normal life was like! It was what you’ve been missing.

It hadn’t been long since Light went silent, but wow, you were _sad?_ What universe were you in? Oftentimes you’d get chills of the past. The party. The notebook. Everything. It haunted your sleep with vivid nightmares, sure, and you’d woken up crying or screaming more than once, but time would help, right? Sure, you hadn’t eaten in a while and the news seemed to always be on, and there was no one to go to that made sense of it all because Light had to focus on maintaining his “relationship” with Misa Amane, so his spontaneous contact with you to keep you level-headed was gone. He always seemed to know when your head got the better of you and cooed you back into whatever stupor he lulled you into. It made things tolerable. It was how you were able to manage it all. It didn’t make it better, but at least you slept decently well.

But you’d get over it. Who was there to notice your subtle change anyway? Light was gone. He was one of the constants in your life since high school, and now so far into college, it was weird for him to just be gone. It was a shitty constant, but one nonetheless. But you’d get over it. You’d get over it. Right? Everything was fine. Life was _great._ This was a normal life! What you always wanted!

“Wow, you look like shit.”

“Eat my ass, Rose.”

“I’m being serious. You look hardcore out of it. Are you alright?” Her palm placed itself on your forehead, and you violently swiped it away like a fly.

“Yes! Are you crazy?” You sat up on your sofa, bending your knees in front of yourself as some sort of guard. She remained unamused with your antics. You rolled your eyes. “What?”

“Y/N. I’m being fucking serious. I’ve heard you sleep, you know. Mom might sleep through it because she’s practically dead when she sleeps, but I don’t. You know you can tell me, right? I won’t tell a literal soul.” You huffed through your nostrils. No, you weren’t going to tell her the whole story, and you weren’t going to give her the “I’m fine,” lie, because she wouldn’t believe that bullshit.

"It’s Light.”

“Light? Honey, it has to be more than that. A _boy_ doesn’t make you scream and cry in your sleep—in a bad way. It has to be something worse. Besides, you have to stop using him as an excuse for when you’re upset because I know you hate him and I know you wouldn’t be this bothered by anything he did unless he committed a murder or something.” You swallowed, staring at the pattern of your rug with slightly wide eyes. “Holy shit—,”

“ _No._ no. he didn’t. I don’t even know. Some sort of demon haunting me or something.” Her tongue swiped the corner of her lip in thought. “What are you thinking? It’s nothing. I’ll get over it.”

“I think you need to open up more. If you keep bottling everything, it doesn’t help you at all. I could tell something’s been wrong since your first semester in college, and I’m sick of seeing it affect you. You come home, do your homework, study nonstop, talk on the phone with _Light_ , the boy you ‘hate so much,’ then go to bed! And since the party, I’ve been so concerned.” You sighed.

“Rose, what do you want me to say? It’s who I am. I don’t go out and meet people like you. I can’t go up to someone and introduce myself like you can. I’ve never been able to.”

“Because you’ve never tried! Why do you think everyone is going to hate you on the spot? Do you hate yourself or something? Should I get professional help or something? Because I don’t know what the fuck’s wrong with you. You don’t tell us anything. You whisper to your lover boy deep into the night. Is that really the problem? Light? It’s pathetic if it is, you know, especially after stating how much you _despise_ him.” You were on your feet.

“You’re being a real fucking bitch about it.”

“Well, it’s frustrating!” She stood up to rival you. “Then you look at me like I’m an insect when I go to my meetings and leave the room every time we put the news on. It’s gotten so much worse lately, and frankly, it’s annoying. Now, you wake up screaming and crying and say nothing is wrong. It’s _bullshit._ What’s so terrible that’s going on?”

“I know you’re concerned about me, but I’m _fine._ Everything is _fine._ I have new friends in college who like me for _me._ Not for… not for anything else. And I’m passing all my classes and have passed all my classes from my other semesters. And—And life’s _great._ I mean, how much better can life _get_ knowing that it’s this good, you know? Death could be waiting for us tomorrow, you know? I mean, we have to live life to the fullest! We need to stop worrying about what our friends think of us, or if we’ll pass that test or is that girl or boy likes me, you know? I mean… I mean—,”

Y/N. Why are you crying?” Curiously, you found yourself wiping away your wet cheeks and staining your arm with them. “That’s it. I’m calling Oliver’s old therapist if you don’t spill right now.”

“Rose, _no._ I’m begging you. I’m getting over this. It’s just something I’m going through.”

“Y/N. From the day you came to us, even back in the States, you’ve been weird. Every one of your elementary school teachers had to call mom and say that you don’t play with the other kids, that you wouldn’t say a word to kids you were grouped with, that you excelled in math, but when the teacher called on you, there was nothing, and I thought the move would help you, but it didn’t. And then the whole whatever-it-was with Light? And now this? Y/N. I’m telling mom to finally do it. I’ve held her off, but not any longer. It’s time.”

“Rose, no—,”

“Then tell me what’s wrong! It’s okay to get help. I know mom didn’t raise you, I know he—,”

“Shut _up._ Don’t you dare bring that up. Ever. I don’t care if I’m dying. Don’t ever bring that up, _especially_ to convince me of anything.”

“So, you really think that has nothing to do with anything?”

“Of _course_ it does. Do you think I could just forget about the whole first part of my life before going to 7th grade? You fucking—stop. Just _stop._ Just get the fuck away from me.” Your breathing was ragged, and you could choke on your inhales and exhales easily if you weren’t careful. Your sister, angry, but not crying as you were, nodded and left the room, murmuring a quick apology before dashing off upstairs. The hand you unconsciously rose to curse her out tightened into such a hard fist you thought it might draw blood.

Suddenly, your whole body dropped to the floor like a pile of bones. Shaking, you remained there until sleep drew you to your bed, and, when your emotions eased, you lulled into a restless sleep.

_It_ _was dark. They always started off in the dark. You felt nothing but metal in your dominant hand. Then, a single light would shine. Oliver stood in the solitary light, unmoving, emotionlessly standing there, like a statue. You’d call out to him, desperate for him to answer, but there would never be any. Just silence._

_Another light would shine. This one on you. You were able to see what was gripped in your hand. A gun. It was always a gun. The same type. The same trigger. The same barrel. You would try to loosen your hand, but you never could._

_Next, an ice-cold hand was placed over yours, gently, like a mother would assist their child in a simple task. Ever so slowly, the hand would guide yours to eye level, aiming it at your stone-still brother, and another hand, just as icy, would move yours to hug the other one. Arms dressed in white fabric would encase you, and a long body would stand behind you, close enough to touch, but far enough not to suffocate._

_But his words. The words from the body were so warm and comforting. They’d whisper to you, like a husband soothing his wife, of how to fire it. You’d shake your head at first, refusing to even consider the idea, but the voice kept talking. It needed to be done. The world needed it to be done. You were the only one who could save the world. Still, you said no. No monster could kill their own family member._

_But would you sacrifice the whole world for a singular person? It would ask. No one would know it was you, and if they did, they’d know in their hearts it was the right thing to do, just like you did._

_At this time, you’d realize you don’t know who was behind you, so you’d turn your head to get a glimpse of who was controlling you. It was almost Light Yagami, but his hair and eyes would be blood red. No, this was Kira. The embodiment of what Light Yagami has become. You’d state this. Stating your fear. He would giggle right into your ear that Kira and Light were the same person. That you knew that. That in itself made you able to pull the trigger by yourself, but he’d love to help you. So, without another question, he pulled your finger down._

_Bang._

_Your brother falls into a thousand pieces on the ground along with the gun, and screams emit from your right. Your mom and sister stand there, mortified, crying, then they shift to point at you, screaming in anger. You would shake your head, and try to move, but you were still trapped by the man behind you. Fear would still your heart._

_No, it wasn’t you. It was him. Roselyn would scream it was your finger that pulled the trigger, no matter who told you to do it. Your mom and sister would begin to approach, their own weapons in hand, and you’d shake out of his grip and run, run, run, but your body would not physically let you. You couldn’t run. You had to side shuffle to get anywhere. So, you were reduced to doing so._

_You’d turn around. No longer was your family behind you or anybody. Instead, a name called to you from ahead, beckoning you. Desperate, you shuffled to the voice, into the warm arms of… Light Yagami. The red was no longer there, but, needing warmth, you would hold tighter onto him and he to you._

_He’d whisper that you have to accept both, or they’d disappear. You were left curious for merely half a second before the second pair of arms wrapped you from the behind. You’d turn. The red locks and eyes bored into yours. Your back would freeze from his body temperature. Kira would add that you’d have to accept these too. Hundreds of bodies would appear before your feet, surrounding you in a full, perpetually stretching circle._

_One would lie at your feet._

_Dad._

You woke up in the same state you were in the night before. Your sister leaned against your doorway, arms crossed and watching you carefully. You settled your breathing, adjusting yourself to lean your back against the headrest of the bed. “What?” You bit out.

“I didn’t call.”

“What?”

“It wasn’t fair what I did to you last night. I put you in that position and I shouldn’t have. I was just so frustrated I couldn’t do anything to help you, and I’m so, _so_ sorry I brought up—I know better. It was inexcusable, but I really care about you, and if all of this gets out of hand, I think you should give her a call. I just want you to be happy, you know?”

“So do I.” Your heart leaped in your chest. The boy—man, you guessed you can say now—smiled with his pearly whites at you that you’ve only seen through video calls these days.

“O-Oliver.” You smiled brightly, jumping out of your bed and nearly leaping into his arms, crushing his very bones with your arms. “What are you doing here?” You retracted yourself, examining him to make sure it was really him.

“Well, I knew I had to come to visit once I was used to the new job and everything, so I figured I’d surprise you all. It’s been—more than a year, right? A whole lot more. A shittin’ long time, don’t you think?” You nodded swiftly. “So, I used some vacation days, and I’ll be around for the week. Mom is already making my favorite breakfast. Some things don’t change I guess. Then, after that, we could talk?” You glanced at your sister, who was tightly grinning. She probably told him everything already, but she was right to. Rose was awful when it came to anything serious, but Oliver, he wasn’t magical in speaking, but he was still a thousand times better than your sister.

Both of you sat in the basement after breakfast on each of the two couches. “So, it really is about this Light character, huh?” You nodded. “Tell me, you ever have a thing with him?” You shook your head rapidly.

“No way. He just puts this immense amount of stress on me, and I thought after he was gone, you know, away from me, it would go away, but it keeps coming back and haunting me, both when I’m awake and asleep, and he was the only one who ever made it seem like it was manageable. Now, it's all coming back in waves and it’s just killing me.” Oliver leaned forward, setting his elbows on his knees and folding his hands together.

“What do you mean by stress? What does he do, exactly?” You shook your head.

“I don’t even know. I can’t even begin to explain it to you.” Not that he would believe you, and if he did… well, then maybe you should tell him. That would solve everything, He’d convince you to go to the police and it would all be over. Except… except that would mean they would kill Light. That would make you a murderer, but a savior, but what if they suspected you’ve been withholding this information and bring you in just like him?

“You can try.”

“Light is… Light is…” Kira! Just say the two syllables! No, you shouldn’t. You could never deal with the consequences of that, you knew. You’d be betraying him. Wait. What are you thinking? Betraying a serial killer? Isn’t that the right thing to do? Your next opportunity, besides every day’s opportunity, was right here, right in front of your eyes. Take it, and take the chance the nightmares get worse? Kill the only person who’s been there for you… your constant.

_No!_ Y/N. This is his manipulation of you! You had to realize that. You have to tell him. You promised yourself you would not end up like everyone else, falling into this trap so easily, yet here you were, at the perfect chance to save countless lives and not taking it. _Why?_ You asked yourself this far too much. You _knew_ he was using your personality and weaknesses to keep you under his control remotely, but you are doing nothing about it.

“Hey, you can tell me anything. I won’t tell anyone.” This secret would kill him because he knew, and you as well, unless you went straight to the NPA as any other person would.

“Light, he’s… a big problem.” Oliver, visibly disappointed in your big announcement, nodded his head nonetheless. “It’s just who he is. A good-looking genius that everyone wants and everything. It just always scared me when he was around, but it made me feel… safe from everyone when he was physically around me. Sure, there were plenty of glares but no one dared come up to me when I was near him. Maybe I just feel… vulnerable now that he dropped me.” Lying was becoming so easy for you, it was concerning.

“I see. Maybe over time, they’ll get better. Maybe since it’s still so fresh in your mind, it’s bothering you. What about joining a new club at school or picking up a new hobby? If all you do is study, it’s not good for your brain especially if you want to get your mind _off_ something.” You nodded. No, you weren’t going to drop everything and join a club mid-semester, but you would continue to avoid Light at all costs. Like Oliver said, it will be better over time. For now, you just had to deal with it. “Maybe the nightmares will end too. Don’t worry. I heard you yell in your sleep when I got in last night, so Rose told me.”

“Rose says everything, doesn’t she?” You bit out, taking him back a little.

“Woah, what?” You breathed out a sigh.

“Rose, last night, when she was trying to get me to talk, she mentioned dad. To me.” Oliver’s face froze in shock for a second before shaking his head.

“Shit. No. That’s too far. I’m sorry she did that, Y/N. That’s unacceptable. So that’s what she was apologizing for earlier. You only talk about that when you’re ready, okay? I’m patient. I could never know what happened and be okay if you never want to open up about it. Same with mom and Rose.” You nodded, and Oliver eased the conversation into easier topics. His new job, how he was happy to be working at home, and other similar topics. You tried to listen to every word, to appreciate his presence before he’s gone, but you couldn’t. There were so much more important things to worry about than one’s career and wealth, and you found it all… boring. “You could come work back home too, after college.”

“W-what?”

“Yeah. There’s plenty of openings, especially for engineering. I heard you’re not too happy here. If you want, you let me know, and I can put your name forward when you need me to. All you have to do is ask.” Slowly, your mouth broke into a grin.

“That’s… not a bad idea.” Your eyes darted to the carpet. No, it wasn’t a bad idea at all. Perhaps it’s what you needed most. It was hard to get away from someone who goes to your college, but all the way across the world? If you moved, in years to come, you could put all of this behind you, with no connection to Kira. “I like that a lot.” Oliver smiled too.

“Of course you do. It’s my idea. When have they ever been bad? Come on. Let’s join them back upstairs. I’m sure mom is fuming at the fact she’s not seeing me for more than ten minutes.”

The next day your brother forced breakfast on you. “It would be rude to reject my cooking, don’t you think?” Oliver said to your sleep-deprived self. Too tired to argue, you made your first healthy decision in a while and left for campus.

It was fine for a while. You even decided to have lunch there, something you’ve avoided recently. You thought it would be a good idea to try to practice aspects of a healthy lifestyle to try to bounce back, but, as your life usually went, you ran into exactly what you didn’t want to. Though, per usual, you walked right into it.

“Misa Misa? Here? Where?” You heard a girl’s voice ask hastily to your right.

“Right over there!” Your feet took you before your mind could tell you otherwise. There was a group of people gathered around the scene, and, as you walked by, you peered through the crowd. You saw the model in question, Small, blonde, super cute. Next to her was Ryuga, L himself. Huh, that was weird. You hadn’t seen him on campus in forever. Then, next to him, Light Yagami. You froze. This couldn’t be good. Both Kira’s and L grouped together within a foot of each other. You shook your head. It wasn’t your concern.

“Keep going Y/N. Just keep walking before—,” before Light makes eye contact with you, as he just did. Your breathing halted as you broke the gaze and now made it with Ryuga. Eyes slightly widened, you glanced between L’s blank gaze and Light’s hardened, steel stare, before hurriedly walking away. Why were they all together though? Frankly, you didn’t—couldn’t—care. Light’s plans no longer included you, so you had no reason to care. Though, your chest told you otherwise.

Looks like lunch wasn’t happening today. After your last class, you would just eat at home. Perhaps you’d just skip your last class and go home. Your optimistic view of the day was declining. You turned around to look at the group one last time. Light was still looking at you, and your eyes met once again. Swallowing, you turned around. You couldn’t afford to miss any more classes.

One whole lab later, the campus was a lot emptier, and you were practically starving, so you decided to actually head to the dining hall and grab something to use up the meal plan. Nothing bad could happen there, right? You sat down with your sandwich and salad, focused on nothing else but what you were eating and the view outside.

“Y/N?” You recognized the girl who suddenly approached you from one of your classes back in your earlier semesters. She swings her backpack to her side and pulls out an envelope. “This is for you. I don’t know anything, sorry.” She practically threw the envelope at you and ran off like it was a bomb. Oh god, what could this even be? Setting your fork down, you unceremoniously tore open the envelope and wrenched out the letter inside.

**_It’s about time you knew. He’ll be coming soon. Don’t freak out. Trust me on this. -Light_ **

God, the nerve! You crumbled the paper and stuffed it in your pocket. Who does he think he is? Who is this _he?_ Whatever it was, you weren’t going to deal with it. No longer hungry, you threw your leftover food away and put your tray away before rushing home. You greeted your siblings when you entered the house, then ran to your room, shut the door, brought out the piece of paper, and dumped it in the trash. He was not reeling you back in. No way. Whoever this _he_ was, you were not dealing with it. You weren’t going to _trust_ him. The only way you were going to get back into it with him is if you have _no_ other choice, and what were the odds something like that would happen?

You went to bed in that mindset, and there were no nightmares that night, and the next day went by without a problem. No mysterious males. Nothing that would freak you out. You would think that Light was bluffing, bur Light generally doesn’t _bluff_ about anything minor. He must have something in mind, so you were going to find him, and you were going to tell him firmly that you will have nothing to do with whatever he is planning. You had your own problems and own life to live.

Yeah, you tell yourself that, but inside you knew something was going to entrap you back into his plans if you ever even left them. You deny it to this very moment, but you knew Light far too well. He wouldn’t simply let someone off who knew his identity. If he was, you’d be dead, or at least close to it. Or he’d let you know. It was confirmed now, with that letter, and the phone call your cell received soon.

“Hello, is this Y/N?”

“Yes, it is her speaking. Who is this?”

“I am Soichiro Yagami, Light’s father. Something has happened concerning Light, and, since you’ve been close with Light since high school, we would like to ask you a few questions.” This must be it. Whatever Light was talking about, it must be the beginning. “I apologize if this is inconvenient, but it is an urgent matter.”

“Yes, I’m home, but can you at least tell me what’s going on? Who exactly wants to ask me questions and why?” You considered asking why you should believe it was really Light’s dad, and if this was a kidnapping, but thought maybe, if they were questioning whether you knew about the connection between Light and Kira, they’d grow suspicious if you were uncompliant.

“I’m sorry, but we cannot release any details over the phone. We will send over a car now. Please, we ask you don’t tell anyone about this. We’ll see you soon.” The line dropped. Well, like father like son. You brought the phone down from your ear and hung it up. Your mother leaned from the doorframe of the kitchen.

“Who was that, dear?” She asked.

“A friend. They’re going to pick me up before class and we’re going to hang for a bit.” Your mother smiled sweetly.

“That’s nice.” You nodded.

“Yeah.”

The silver car had every window deeply tinted, so you couldn’t even see who was inside even when you were inches from the window. You didn’t know how these things went besides in movies, so you sat in the back just in case. Driving was a wide-shouldered man, whose eyes locked forward on the road as soon as he shifted the car into drive. “So, can you tell me anything?”

“They’ll tell you what you need to know when we get there.” There, in fact, was a total spy-movie-type HQ with finger and eyeball scanning and everything. “We trust you won’t go MySpace this place.” You let out a small laugh.

“No, wouldn’t match my theme.” You exited the car and followed the man into the building. You wondered then if you were actually being taken into custody too, and you slightly began to panic. If that were the case, it must be the easiest arrest in history, but if you started trying to escape it would be obvious you were hiding something.

He led you through the metallic halls and into a room with two chairs on the opposite side of the table. You hesitantly took a seat on the right side.

“The Chief will be in with you soon.” The man shut the door, leaving you in silence. God, what was Light up to? You wondered if this was all an elaborate scheme, and Light was anticipating every move being played out, which is why he left you the note. Still, was this _he_ his father? Possibly. It would be normal for people to freak out if called into an interrogation. Just in case, you’ll force yourself to remain calm or any foreign occasion that might conspire anytime soon.

“You must be Y/N. We’ve never met in person.” You got up to shake his hand. “I hope you won’t mind the brevity of this questioning. I didn’t tell anyone else besides Mogi, the one who drove you here, about this. You’re one of the only people my son’s been friends with since high school, which is when this all started.” So he didn’t tell L about this? He must be going behind his back. L still didn’t know that you knew his true identity, so you couldn’t see him calling you here himself and exposing himself to you. If he does, it’s because he’s suspicious of you, and right now, you’re pretty relieved he had no idea about this.

“This all? If you could please tell me what happened to Light exactly, and why you called me here, I’d appreciate it, because I’m mildly scared right now.” Soichiro sighed, nudging his glasses up his nose with his finger.

“Please. If you care about Light, then you’ll answer my questions. You can help him with this.” You glanced around. You wondered if the room was wire-tapped and the whole thing was being recorded. It was, most likely. Therefore, L would be able to watch these and see any signs of deceit on your countenance on the tapes. You’d have to be cautious and genuine with your replies.

“Fine, but you will still need to explain everything eventually. If you pulled me from my daily life for this, I have the right to know why.” The man nodded in understanding.

“Okay. During your friendship with Light, have you ever noted any change about him? A sudden change in personality or any odd behavior?” Yes, this was definitely about Kira then. Did they suspect him? Is he in trouble because they do? Then, what about Misa? Was she also in here under suspicion of being the second Kira? There was no way for you to find out without revealing you knew more than you should.

“Not that I recall. Light’s always been odd, though. He’d just always study, or at cram school before we went to college, and at college, it seemed he only got smarter, but nothing that would make me think ‘huh, that’s odd.’” Did that sound too innocent? Was Light trying to make people think he was Kira? You didn’t know, of course, because he didn’t tell you anything.

“I see. According to Light’s cell phone history, it looks like he called you and you called him an awful lot, especially in the late hours of the day.” You nodded.

“I know. I… have these nightmares at night and talking to him before I went to bed always helped me. It wasn’t every night, but it was often.” Those were the nights the whole Kira thing would get to your head, and you’d need him to reassure you that everything is fine, and he has everything under control. It might have annoyed him, but at least he hid it well over the phone.

“It looks like they stopped recently.” You snickered.

“Yeah, he got a girlfriend. Guess she’s the type to kill whoever poses a threat, and what more of a threat is there than a girl best friend? I didn’t want to get in the way of it, so I told him when they got together that I was getting better with them. I didn’t want her getting mad at me or him.” It all hurt to say for some reason, but he was using her, right? You should feel bad for her instead of yourself.

“I see. Then can you tell me—ah,” his phone began to ring from his pocket. “If you’ll excuse me one moment.” He rose from his seat and left the room. Not wanting to sit still, you rose from the chair and wandered towards the door. From the other side, you could make out a muffled conversation between Soichiro and whoever he was speaking to on the phone. “No, she seems not to know anything. W-what? Ryuzaki, I don’t think that’s a good idea. Hm. Whatever you say.” It went silent, and you nearly knocked the chair over jumping back to your seat. “I apologize for that. I’m afraid they want to see you upstairs since they saw that you’re here. If you would follow me.”

Once again being led through the metallic halls and up a few flights of stairs, he led you to an open room with a few monitors turned off. There were a few other men in there too in suits, but there was no sight of L anywhere. “Aizawa, turn on the visual.” In a few seconds, a single screen turned on.

You gasped. Sure, seeing light tied up and bound in a cell staring icily at the ground was surprising, and it made you sick to your stomach, but the huge monster standing next to him was a _bit_ more startling.

_Don’t freak out._


	14. Speculation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it would probably be a good idea to grammar and spell check as i paste here.
> 
> but no <3

What _was_ that thing? It was ghostly pale, lanky, thin, with two dark wings protruding from its back. What in the absolute world was going on? You shook your head and looked at Light’s father standing over your shoulder. He looked absolutely calm. Was he able to see that thing too? Was he waiting for you to point it out? Unlikely. No one could just casually accept something like that unless he was waiting to see your reaction to it. _Don’t freak out._ You turned back to the screen.

“Is he alone in there?” You asked.

“Well, yes. He’s been put into solitary confinement, per his own request.” His own request? He _must_ be up to something now. This was a plan, definitely, except you didn’t know the details. You’d have to find them out, or at least figure them out, before deciding what your own course of action will be. It also meant he couldn’t see that thing in there with him. If he can’t, why could you?

You furrowed your brows deeply, glancing between Soichiro, the other men in the room, and Light. He remained still in his cell, his glare unwavering. You wondered if the physical constraints were too much, but if they _were_ investigating Kira, which is basically confirmed in your head, then restricting any movement would forbid them in any way to commit the crimes as Kira, since they still didn’t know how Kira kills people.

The _thing_ remained standing there. Occasionally, it would float around, but that was it. Was Light going to use that thing to escape? It was possible, but why would he escape if he purposely put himself in there? If he tried to escape, then they’d know he was guilty of something and had a reason to escape. That was out of the question. That means, if he had no plans to escape, he had to be let out.

Still, Soichiro still thought you had no idea why he was confined, so you’d better ask before you reveal anything. You bit your bottom lip and looked to the man, concern etching your features as genuinely as you could.

“He asked for this? Why? You have to tell me what’s going on, please.” Soichiro, instead of verbally answering, switched on another monitor. Shifting your gaze to the new screen, you were met with the sight of Misa, confined in what might be a worse condition than her counterpart. The second Kira. If L was in charge, he was better than you thought. Plus, if he is the one in charge here, or at least has a say in anything since you were able to see this, then he must have suspected _something._ Somehow, he must have deduced your involvement. That, or, hopefully, this was just because you’ve been close with Light for a while, you would be the one to notice any change.

It was odd, though. Did they know he was Kira or did they put him in there because they _think_ he’s Kira? If they knew he was, then you wouldn’t be called in here for questioning unless they needed you for confirmation of their belief. Still, you wouldn’t be the deciding factor. It wasn’t evidenced enough. If they knew, they wouldn’t be calling in a witness like this, especially if they were sure.

That means they both stood a chance. Well, Light did, from what you knew. Misa, you knew absolutely nothing about. The only way she could be in here is if Light let anything slip about her, but you figured that would be unlikely. It must be from before she met Light. Perhaps the tapes Light said she sent in? They were the only pieces of tangible evidence of her. Perhaps they had something to do with why she was in more confines than Light because they were surer of her identity than Light’s. Though, you could only speculate.

“Misa too?” You questioned. “What’s going on? What did they do? Why did Light ask to be confined? Please, just tell me something.” Any friend would sound worried, right? They would be desperate to know why their friend and his girlfriend are restrained, so that’s what you wanted to do. You stared urgently into Soichiro’s eyes.

“Both Misa and Light were brought in on suspicion of being Kira. Light requested to be confined in suspicion of himself being Kira.” Himself… was he turning himself in? No, “in suspicion of.” That means Light was acting like he’s not sure of it himself. Then, what was he trying to prove to them all by doing this? That he was innocent, by thinking he himself was guilty?

Fuck, that was actually smart, now that you thought about it. The police still do not know what Kira is nor how he kills, so Light can manipulate this fact however way he sees fit, which is what you think he might be doing, in order to prove himself, and you guessed Misa, innocent. You’d have to find out about the killings, and if they were still going. You’ve avoided the news for quite some time.

“And? The killings? Have they stopped because of their arrest?” You could see his Adam's apple bobble.

“Yes.”

Then it had to be on purpose because he would have written down the names in advance if he so desired, but if he didn’t, then that points the blame right on him. That’s where you were lost. Unless the killings start again, there would be no one else to look to.

God, you’d be so pissed if that fucking notebook turned up on your doorstep.

You had to keep up appearances though, for your own sake, if no one else’s. You shook your head in disbelief and you opened your mouth to pretend to struggle to form words.

“So, you’re saying that…” He nodded gravely. You scoffed and shook your head. “Impossible. That’s impossible. It can’t be Light, there’s no way he could be Kira. He _can’t_ be. I mean, no, it’s not possible.” You continued to shake your head in astute denial. “It has to be a coincidence, right?”

“Kira’s killings have never halted for this long of a period of time. There could be no other reasons for the killings to stop right when and for as long as their confinement.” You furrowed your brows.

“You seem pretty calm about this for being his _father._ You, of all people, shouldn’t stand for this, just like me! You and I both know Light isn’t capable of murder! Why aren’t you defending him?” You nearly screamed at him. Soichiro, silent, glanced at this son sadly though the screen, and opened his mouth to speak, but closed his mouth. Still, he looked like he had something to say. You calmed down. “Since you’re chief of police, you have to be objective, even with your own son.”

“I’ve wanted to bring you into questioning for a while, to help clear Light’s name, or the opposite if your answers did so, but only yesterday was I given permission to.”

“Permission? But, you told me you were doing that by yourself, and no one knew?” He shook his head.

“I figured you would feel better if you didn’t know the NPA wanted to interrogate you, and it was just your friend’s dad, who happened to be the chief of police.” It sounded like total bullshit, sure, but you’d take it. At least, if you didn’t know anything, you’d be focusing more on imprisonment than his excuse, so you did so, turning to the computers.

“Why are you showing this to me? This should be highly confidential, shouldn’t it?” It should have ended back in the room he initially brought you to. If he was allowed to show you this, you could guess there was something more than “we need to ask you if you’ve noticed anything weird.”

No, it was way more. You should have realized before.

If L was smart, which he is, he would realize that if Light was Kira, he wouldn’t show any noticeable change to anyone, even his closest friends. Light was too smart for that, and L would know that. So, why were you here? Hopefully, because you overanalyzed the situation and actually are here for questioning. Whatever it was, you continued to look at the man in desperation.

“It’s more than that, Y/N. You’re under suspicion for harboring, concealing, and withholding information about Kira to the NPA.” Your heart must have stopped beating. You shouldn’t freak out, but you should act as surprised as someone who was actually innocent would. 

“Because you think that Light is Kira? Is that it? And I’m his friend? What kind of evidence do you have to incriminate me?” You shot the question out like spitfire.

It’s only speculation. There are no charges or reasons to imprison you; however, it is our job to let you know.” Why would they let you know? Wouldn’t that make you know you’re being watched? It seemed stupid of them to do. Unless they wanted you to start acting differently, but you didn’t know how the hell that would benefit them.

How the hell did they start suspecting you anyway? There was nothing, _nothing_ there that could connect you to Kira. Unless _somehow_ L had caught on while on campus, but you had no idea how. From your perspective, you would only speculate about being his friend. Still, they weren’t accusing you. They were just _letting you know_ they’re onto you. Huh. That was polite of them if nothing else. Was that even allowed? Did they do that? You didn’t think they did, or if it was actually “their job,” but you never binged enough cop dramas on TV to know any better.

“So, are you going to have me under surveillance? Have one of your goons follow me around all day? Track my phone?”

“No. At least, not until more concrete evidence comes through. Until then, you’re free to go.” This guy wasn’t _fucking_ serious. After the shit time you’ve been having lately, you weren’t just going to skip out the door like nothing happened.

“So, you’re going to show one of my closest friends and his girlfriend locked up, tell me I’m under suspicion of hiding information about Kira, then say ‘how-dee-do-dee, have a nice day?’ Really? You can’t be serious.” Just like before, he looked like he wanted to say something, but he didn’t.

“Unless you want to admit anything you know, or prove both of these people innocent, there’s nothing else for you to do.” Did he just call his own son _“people?”_ What a shit dad. If there was anyone who could point out shitty fathers though, it would be you.

You wanted to ask how or where they speculated your involvement, but you figured that would just point at you more because you would be trying to see where you went wrong. “I have… business to attend to. One of the men will walk you out. Thank you for your time, Y/N.”

The same man who drove you here escorted you out, and you turned down the offer to have him drive you home. You decided you would have to walk this one out. You had a lot to think about. 

What a shitty day.


	15. Big Bug

Roselyn was completely losing it. Well, as much as she could afford to lose. Though, you were in no place to judge. You still weren’t holding up too well. Oliver had returned to the States, not that you were open to much talking again. You decided after the last time, it was not worth your time to express your feelings, as they just cause more problems. It was better to just deal with them on your own.

It was getting easier to deal with the dreams. They stopped, for a few days, but as the nights rolled in after you were called in, new ones manifested in your mind. In these, they involved Light giving _you_ the stupid notebook. You prayed with every cell in your body that he would not be passing the baton. God, you prayed, and you haven’t gone to church in—your grandmother would hate you.

Roselyn certainly wasn’t helping you get your mind off it. It was her stupid cult— _club._ Her club. Apparently, since the killings have stopped, they were losing their brains. They didn’t know where their God had gone. Some believed they abandoned them, deciding they were unworthy of Kira. Those ones were punished, according to Rose, for their loose belief. Others said he was taking a break, or deciding what to do next, watching to see how the people were doing, or perhaps scheming something big. Rose was the latter, so she wasn’t in any trouble, yet the _club_ had decided that if Kira would no longer work with his hands, they would become his hands.

“I don’t want to kill anyone, Y/N. I don’t.” She had said the day before. You wondered how she could support Kira so faithfully yet could not kill the criminals he killed herself. Still, you can’t say you don’t sympathize with her. In fact, your lives were pretty parallel right about now.

“What if they caught him?” You asked. Rose shook her head adamantly.

“No way. There’s nothing on the news or anything! It’s impossible.”

“What if they didn’t put it on the news yet. What if they’ve been keeping it under wraps for a while, to decide what to do with him or her, publicity-wise?” She glared ice into you.

“How can you say that? You can’t know anything!” No, you suppose you couldn’t. Still, the fact that her _club_ is considering doing Kira’s job was… scary. Right now, however morbid it sounded, it would be best if the killings _did_ start again. Then, this _club_ won’t do anything… hasty, and Light, Misa, and _yourself_ could be proven innocent. Not that the _club_ would manage to find a way to distribute heart attacks, but you never know.

“Oh my God,” you breathed out. The killings _were_ going to start again, one way or another. It had to be in Light’s plan. “Oh my _God,_ that son of a bitch.” He was going to prove himself and Misa innocent! You should have seen it sooner because the police _don’t_ know how Kira kills! So, if both of the suspects are in confinement, with no way of killing anyone, then that would prove it’s not them!

But why didn’t Light just continue the killings? Schedule them in his little planner. There must be a reason for that. You had to think. If Light really wanted to prove himself innocent, he’d have to make them believe, somehow, that—,

“You look like The Thinker over here. The lecture couldn’t have been _that_ interesting.” Takao looked at you happily. The class must have ended while you were in your reverie. “What were you thinking about?”

“How a serial killer could prove himself innocent.” You deadpanned. The athlete hesitated.

“You’re joking, right?”

“Yes, I’m joking. I’m not about to start another witch rumor about myself. Did you ever find out who started that?” He shrugged.

“Probably Harue and her crew.”

It’s literally been _so_ long. When is she going to get her _vengeance_ on me?” You scoffed. Gathering your belongings and rising to your feet, you adjusted your backpack on your back and sighed. “I’ve been in this place too long.”

“And you never went to _one_ of my basketball games. That stupid boyfriend of yours.”

“My _boyfriend?_ Really? Fuck off.”

“I’m serious!” He was slightly serious. Luckily, he still spoke in a joking voice, but you knew it still bothered him. “Every time I asked, I know it was him that made you say no. I’m not an idiot. I know he doesn’t like me.”

“He doesn’t like anybody,” you muttered low enough for him to hear something from you, but not question it.

“I just don’t see why you let him have so much control over you. You’re not dating. I haven’t even seen him around. Don’t tell me you—,”

“ _No!_ No way. You should know that will never happen.” You were actually insulted he would think of that. You grimaced. He must have caught on to your displeasure, and hurriedly ran ahead of you in the case you would stomp off.

“Hey, hey, sorry, but what else would I think? I always try to get closer to you, but he always seems to be in the way, even when he’s not even _here_. I don’t know what your connection to him is, or what you do or don’t feel for him, and I honestly don’t give a shit. Please, don’t get the wrong idea. I’m not—you know— _romantically_ interested, so don’t think that, but you know. I’m just trying to be friends here. I’m not sure what you’re so afraid of.”

Afraid? Did you seem afraid to him? Still, Light’s warning of him stayed fresh in your mind, yet there was _no_ sign of the shit that made Light so distrustful. You had to ignore it and give it a chance. Hell, maybe this will help you have a normal conversation without mentally belittling it because your mind has become used to talking about death and morals that normal talk seems trivial. It had happened when Takao and you went out before to the café Light brought you to.

Plus, Light’s in fucking _jail_ right now. What the hell can he do to you? You mentally knocked on wood. Also, you let him in, to an extent, then it would seem to the police you’re normal if they actually were watching behind your back. You could never be too careful. You weren’t even going to try for that _normal_ thing anymore. You were a suspect now, and even after, you weren’t going to fool yourself anymore. You were too tired to be an optimist. You just wanted to survive, and _not_ go to jail, ideally.

You didn’t think about that, though, else risk another breakdown, and you knew you were close to another one after that nice trip you had to the headquarters, but you were doing well to hide it this time, unlike your sister.

“You’re right.” You muttered.

“And I don’t know _why—_ huh? What did you just say?”

“I said you’re right. Hey, I can admit when I do wrong.”

“Yeah, because you do _so_ much wrong.”

“You’d be surprised. Okay, what do you have in mind?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, there was to be a way for me to make it up to you. Or ways, I guess, if you want to make up for _every_ game, which seems highly unnecessary, but if you want to, I mean, whatever it takes.” You shrugged. He snickered, bringing his hand to cover his mouth.

“Gee, Y/N. Committed, aren’t you?”

“I’ve been known for being loyal. Well, by a few. I’m good at keeping secrets too. God, I sound like I’m advertising myself.”

“Good thing you have a pretty easily swayed audience and stop treating it like a debt. I’m not a Lannister or something. I won’t poison you. It’s just you skipping out on me… a lot. N-not that I blame you! Guess everyone is susceptible to Light Yagami.” You rolled your eyes, veering your walk to nudge him in the slightest.

“Poison is a woman’s weapon, Takao.” You said, knowingly. “Whatever. Anyway, we’ll—,” he gave you a look, “ _I_ will work to do better in the future. It’s the least you deserve anyway, for your shit taste in friends.”

“Look in the mirror buddy.” You had to laugh.

It was about a fortnight, maybe less, maybe more, since your _nice_ visit to Light and Misa. Dread continued to linger in your system, searching your mail carefully and cautious of any deliveries from students. You tried your best to forget about the monster floating around Light. Some Kira business, no doubt, which you were trying your best to forget about. Still, you couldn’t help staying up at night wondering how he was, and if the killings would start again. Your pondering had never resumed since Takao had interrupted it, much to your reluctance.

Though, he was doing exceptionally well as your distraction, when he was around, which was far too often. When he wasn’t around, everything else distracted you from the rational truth: dreams, (yep, those babies didn’t go away. Though, their genre has shifted from horror these days. They were just too real now.) Rose, who was losing it as much as you, only on the outside, your worries about Light and Misa, (Misa more than anything. Poor girl doesn’t deserve this.) waiting for the killings to start again, so you could be proved innocent, or them never to happen again, and forever incarcerate you, and, of course, yourself, a criminal-to-be. Every cop car and every siren made you jump, you were sure Takao thought you were on Japan’s Most Wanted. You didn’t realize how hard it was to speak to your mother when you were a suspect in the world’s biggest and most dangerous case.

But you were fine. Your grades weren’t, sure, but you were alive. You were losing some weight from stress and your lack of appetite from your nerves, and your sleep was turning borderline narcoleptic, but it was only two weeks into it. It would get better… if the killings started again.

_God,_ how awful of a thought, hoping the loss of lives would save yours. Your world was turning more morbid every day. But at least you didn’t have that stupid noteboo—.

That stupid notebook. Where was it? If he didn’t have it, and Misa didn’t have, _who_ did? And _where_ was _Misa’s?_ You imagined Light had it plenty covered, but _still._ You couldn’t help but wonder if his desk was _really_ the safest place for it. There was no house fire on the news, so that was good.

“Oh no, Y/N. You’re _not_ thinking—.”

“Hi, Mrs. Yagami! How _are_ you? I’m Y/N. I don’t know if Light has mentioned me.” The women gazed at you through the open door. 

“Y/N? Yes, of course, he has!” _He has?_ That was a surprise. “Come in. It’s only me and Sayu…” She drifted, face falling visibly. Y/N, you are the rudest person on earth. Did they know Light was in _jail?_ Just pop-in while their son is _incarcerated._ You weren’t going to bring it up. “It’s alright. Would you like some tea?” You were about to decline, but her eyes were painted with fatigue and sadness.

“Sure. That would be great. Thank you.” Her eyes brightened as she grinned, heading to the kitchen, you in toe until light steps began to shuffle down the stairs.

“Mom? Who is it—oh hi.” Sayu stopped mid-step and smiled. “ _Finally,_ someone to help me with my English.” She charged back up the stairs with new vigor. You cleared your throat, and resumed to the kitchen, not thinking about the fact you were visiting Light’s house while he was locked up and hanging out with his family.

“So, why have you stopped over?”

“I think I Light had something of mine from school, and I’m just looking for it. I figured it would be here.” You hadn’t been here since… that one time. You and Light had only met up in public places, per your own request. Any communication was always through you calling him, or at school. Every day. You wondered how he wasn’t sick of you. On second thought, he hides everything well, so he probably was.

“Oh, well, Light’s room is just up the stairs. You could look while the water is heating up.” You shook your head. You didn’t have _any_ plans of taking the notebook home if it was here, but you weren’t going to risk anything until last minute.

“That’s okay. I’ll go up after. I’m in no rush.” She seemed grateful for that. You remained in silence while the kettle heated up. It was only until Sayu slammed a workbook onto the table that noise returned to the room, besides for the TV quietly on in the other room. After helping her through some rather unsavory English words, colonel, she rushed back off. Her mother sighing afterward.

“You didn’t have to do that, but thank you. Light would always help her with her homework.” She paused. “Are you and my son close?” Close enough, you wanted to say but resigned to nodding only. “Yes, you graduated high school with him, didn’t you? Oh, I’m so sorry I forgot. Things are… hectic these days. The only ones to get into To-Oh, number one and two! So you must be smart too.” You shrugged.

“Trust me, I don’t know how I did it.” She shook her head.

“Nonsense. You were probably just like my son. He’d stay in his room and study nonstop, then go to cram school, and come back and do the same. It brought us such pride to see his test scores come back in.” You tilted your head.

“Have you ever thought to give him a break? Go out, you know, have a nice family dinner here, or anything like that?” She glanced behind you in thought.

“Light would refuse sometimes, but yes, dinner was when I would see him most. But we… never really went out as a family. Soichiro generally worked till late, and Light with his studies.” You always took note of how she would brighten over any mention of Light’s grades. “It was always nice going to Light’s tennis matches too. Though, he would get irritated if me or Sayu cheered too much. Then, he would come back home and work for those grades he always got.” Her face fell quickly, but she shook it off, smiling once more. “I’m sorry. I always end up talking about him way too much.” You shook your head and waved her off.

“It’s no problem. You should hear my mom, _ever._ You’ll know my social security by the end of the first conversation.” You stopped and thought about how rude you wanted to sound for your next series of questions. “You seem awful proud of Light’s academic accomplishments.”

“Of course I am. I would always let him go if he wanted to study. If I disturbed him, it could affect him, and I didn’t want to do that.”

You didn’t mean for this to become a Light upbringing discovery trip, but while you were here, you thought it would be best if you could… make sense of how Light became the person is was today. You didn’t have any ulterior motive for the dig into his life, but if it could shed light on anything, you’d take it, and what better source than his own mother. God, he’ll kill you when he finds out. If you’re both not dead by then.

“I only met Light near the end of high school. What did he do before and in the beginning? Hobby wise, I mean. What kind of music did he blast in his bedroom? Not to be nosey or anything. I heard it from him, but some juicy gossip from his mom would be so great.” You said with pretend enthusiasm.

“Oh well, obviously, he studied a lot, played tennis, went to cram school, went out with friends sometimes after school. I’m not sure what they did, though.” She looked around the kitchen as if the answers were hidden in the wallpaper. “You know the answers to those, Y/N. He would talk to his friends more than his mom.”

True, but she still evaded the question, but what teenager shares his life with his mother? They should, but they don’t. This was a pointless venture. The only thing you could presume is that she cared most for his grades and praised him endlessly for them after they were released, but that was you being presumptuous. You could presume his father wasn’t much better, with what happened back at the headquarters, and from what she had said earlier. Presume. No conclusions.

“Yes, I’m sorry. I-I’m going to go to his room and look around. Thank you for the tea.” You nodded your thanks and were halfway through the living room when she halted you with her voice.

“I haven’t known my son for a while now, Y/N.” Your mouth formed a thin straight line, and you looked to the ground, breathing in once deeply, continuing to listen. “I don’t know what happened. No one else noticed. Not Sayu nor his father, but I’m his mother. I noticed. Now, with both Light and Soichiro gone, I don’t know what to think anymore. I don’t know what’s going on, Y/N. I haven’t known for a while.” You swallowed. “I’m not asking you to tell me or work a miracle. My son is not the typical boy, but, you’re his friend, right?” Still facing the living room, you nodded. “His best friend?” Hesitantly, you repeated the motion. “I shouldn’t ask this of you. It’s not fair, but I can’t break through, but I’m asking you to. Please, just… be there for him? Everyone needs someone, and if it can’t be me fine. And I know he has a girlfriend, but they come and go. Friends don’t. They stay for each other, which is why I ask you. I know how he is, but he’s still just a person. I worry about him.” You had to stop her there.

“I understand, Mrs. Yagami.” You only twisted your head to look at her. “I’ll do my best.” She only nodded as an answer, and you made your way to his room.

God, he’d kill you if he knew you were in here. Locking the door behind you, you looked around. It looked the exact same as it did last time. Literally, you don’t even think the positions of his pencils and pens in his pencil holder changed. Speaking of, you trifled your way through it. “God, which one was it?” You picked one. “One way to find out.” Disassembling it, you slowly opened _the_ drawer. “Okay, don’t burn the house down. Don’t die.” You dropped to your knees, and as your hand slowly made it’s way to the small hole, a grave voice spoke out.

“It’s not in there.”

You screamed, smacking your head rather harshly against the drawer and dropping to the ground rather unceremoniously. The pen gone, you held your head while you rolled for a bit. It took a few moments, but you sat back up and screamed again. “Yes, alert the whole house, Y/N.” It _speaks?_

“Y/N! Is everything alright?”

“Yes, Mrs. Yagami! There was a bug, a _really big bug.”_ Your eyes remained wide on the creature that you only saw through the camera, staring at you, unblinking. Still holding your head, you stood up. “So, you know Light?”

“Yeah, a little.” You nodded, sitting on the bed.

“I’m Y/N.”

“I know. I’ve known you for a while. Name’s Ryuk.” You stared blankly at him. “What?”

“Yeah, _what_ is the _question here!_ What are you? Why are you here? Last I saw you, you were in that cell with Light! God, how hard did I hit my head?” Out of the corner of your eye, you watch him drop something on his desk. You stood slightly to see what it was. Your heart dropped. “ _Fuck_ that. I ain’t touching that thing.” You shook your head adamantly, pointing at _that thing_.

“Technically, you already did. Light gave you a note once, right?” It took you but a moment to piece it together. That _fucker._ You shook your head. Thank god that girl didn’t open that envelope.

“That was a page?”

“Uh huh.”

“So, what’s the deal with you? Why are you here?”

“I’ve always been here. You’ve just never seen me because you’ve never touched the Death Note until now.” You huffed once, twice, three times. In a panic, sure, but more anger than anything.

“So, you’re a god of death, then.”

“At least you both figured it out before I had to say it.”

“What do you mean, ‘you’ve always been here?’”

“Possessing Light. Owning that Death Note comes with me. I’ve been here since you had the misfortune of running into that agent all that time ago.” You swallowed.

“So, everywhere Light was, you were? All the time?”

“Uh huh.” You weren't thinking into that one. 

“So, why are you here now?”

“Light relinquished ownership of the Death Note.”

“Okay. And what does that have to do with me?”

“Well, since you touched that paper, technically he sublet it to you, and since he relinquished it after, you own it.”

“Bullshit. No way. I didn’t even touch the real thing! That’s so stupid.” You got up and approached the desk. This can't be happening. It couldn't. You sighed shakily. “Guess it doesn’t matter anymore.” You picked it up with shaking hands. “I’m officially a terrible person.” You had to put it down right away.

“It’s not like you have to use it.” You glared at him.

“Yeah, I was actually thinking about how I _had_ to start killing criminals to create a new world. Thank goodness you told me that though. Phew.” You drawled it out. 

“Sorry.” You looked at him.

“Me too.”

“No, not that. Light told me to tell you that you owned it by touching just the paper, but you didn’t until you touched it just now.” You huffed in.

“ _What?”_

“Just following orders, lady.”

“So, you’re his servant.”

“I think that’s more you than me.” This really could _not_ be happening. This had to be one of your dreams. It _had_ to be. You shook your head. “Hey, throw it away and get yourself thrown in prison and killed. I don’t care.”

“Thank you, Ryuk, right? You’ve been a _great_ help. You shouldn’t have even told me you lied. I’d prefer it if was just Light just who tricked me into things. Per usual.”

“I thought honesty was best with women?” You let out a bitter laugh.

“Can’t be. Too many of them are into Light for that to be true.” Ryuk chuckled.

“Like you?”

“ _God,_ not you too? No. Nono _no._ I’ve just been here for too long.”

“Aren’t you here too long because you like him?”

“I like my head on my shoulders, in one piece. I _like_ my ass able to walk on the free ground.”

“That wasn't the case before he approached you about Kira in high school. You were free back then.” Your hands landed on your face, dragging down in irritation. Shouldn’t gods of death be more intimidating and less… irritating? Less truthful.

“Ugh. Do you really have to follow _me_ around?”

“Until Light is free, yeah.”

"So, he has a plan?”

“Uh huh.”

“Can you tell me it?”

“He said you can figure it out.”

“Well, he’s a prick. Can you tell me?”

“No.” You groaned. You thought just _having_ this notebook would be a burden. You picked it up again. It felt just like a regular notebook. It didn’t burn your fingers or your soul. It seemed so _normal._ Well, as normal as a notebook that kills people could be.


	16. Sunflower

“So, where does one typically hide a notebook of death, besides the whole exploding-drawer mechanism.” You and Ryuk, something that is going to take you a while to get used to, were in your room late at night. On the desk, because you didn’t really want to touch it more than you had to, was the blasted thing. You made sure not to take it out while Rose was home, lest risk… disaster. Fortunately, she was out that night and wasn’t expected home until tomorrow, if she was lucky. You ran your hand through your hair and huffed. “I know. Light is much better at this than me.”

“Why don’t you just turn it into the cops? End this whole thing.” Your eyes rolled.

“You want me, a known suspect of hiding information about Kira from the police, to walk in and hand them the way in which Kira kills, and expect to go away singing how-dee-doo-dee? Not going to happen, pal.” You hadn’t gotten any sleep the previous night, mostly due to your new… friend, and your new school supplies. Besides for being literally haunted, your head teemed with apprehension since the killings still had not resumed. When your neighbor knocked on the door to deliver some baked goods, you nearly cried while your mother walked to the door. Why did Mrs. Lee have such a heavy knock anyway? “Seriously. What am I going to do with this thing?”

“Write in it?”

“No.”

“That’s all I got.”

“I cannot believe Light dealt with you for so long. Can you ever, like, go away? Not permanently, sadly, but for like, ten minutes. Like when Light would… you know.”

“When Light would what?”

“You know.” There was a pause.

“You’re a pervert.” He deadpanned.

“Every guy does it, I think? Anyway, erasing and rebooting, I’m going to bury this, so you can go possess a bug or something.”

“Not how it works.” You ignored him, proceeding to throw on the jacket on the back of your computer chair and stuff the notebook under it, close to your right ribcage. Peeking out the door, the hallway was desolate, so you rushed, running down the stairs and into the living room as silent as possible with your screaming stairs. Again, no one. You exited from the back door in the kitchen and to the shovel you placed earlier in the day. Taking it in hand, you placed the notebook behind and underneath one of the bushes that lined the back of your house.

“Does it look like I’m burying a body?” You asked when you began your endeavor.

"Technically, you’re burying countless bodies.”

“Not really. Not going to think about it.” You finished your hole quickly and practically spiked the tablet to the bottom, and quickly covered it up. “Hope Mrs. Lee is having a good rest.” Out of your jacket pocket, you took out a small beige packet and dug another, much smaller hole on top of your recently covered one.

“Taking up gardening?”

“Never too late to develop a green thumb, yes?” You set the seeds in and flattened the dirt again. “Thinking about it, maybe I shouldn’t bury it in my backyard. Too late. I’d rather know where it was than bury it somewhere far away and not know it’s safe.” You let out a long, drawn-out yawn. “’M going to bed.”

“How’s that going for you?” You shook your head, reentering the house and returning to your room. Setting your stuff aside, you plopped into your bed and turned. Then, you thought about someone seeing your backyard, and you turned. Then, you got up and looked out the window to the small dirt patch next to the bushes. You shook your head. It would be fine.

“What was that about you being a suspect?” You nearly jumped out of your socks. Setting a hand on your heart, you turned to the god of death.

“When you were still attached to Light, they called me in to basically tell me I’m a suspect of keeping information about Kira from the police. They said they wouldn’t follow me or watch me or anything, but… I thought it was so weird they called me in to tell me that. Give me a warning, I mean. It’s weird.”

“Probably that L guy Light always yelled about.”

“Whatever he’s thinking, I don’t want to play into their hands.”

“So randomly start gardening. I see.”

“I don’t know!” You whisper-yelled. “I don’t know, okay? I’m winging this. I have no plan. The goddamned force could be at my door tomorrow to take me to jail. I’m freaking out. I’ve been freaking out, and without—,” you stopped yourself there. “What I’m trying to say, is that, yeah, on the outside I seem pretty well put together. I’m funny, I think, cracking jokes and busting balls, but, on the inside? I don’t even know. I don’t want to freak out and scare my whole family again, so fake it ‘til you make it, right?” You were talking mostly to yourself since you imagined Ryuk could care less about your problems.

It was pretty sad, you realized, while you laid in bed, trying fruitlessly to sleep. One god of death comes around and you spill your guts like that easily. Perhaps it was because he was someone else you didn’t have to hide the biggest secret in the world from, despite the fact he was an actual god of death. That person generally would have been Light, but that option has been gone for a while, so the god of death it was. By God, you wished it could be your family, but nothing could be achieved if you had to lie while trying to get everything off your chest. But it’s fine. You’d manage.

Your night consisted of you sleeping for an hour max, waking up, and not falling asleep until nearly twenty minutes after. When the light finally bled through your curtains, you were groggy and felt like you physically could not get up. One staring contest between Ryuk and you had yourself on your feet, unbalanced. “It sucks, I know. I look awful, I know. Get out while I change.” Stacking your old pajamas on the pile in the hamper you’ve been neglecting, you put on new pajamas and head down the stairs.

“Y/N!” Rose’s voice pierced you like a knife. She flew around the corner from the kitchen, eyes wild and smile wide. “They’re back!”

“Who?"

“No, the killings!” Your heart skipped a beat and your face lit up like a Christmas tree. You ran into the kitchen and, sure enough, the news announced the name of a dead businessman. Dead of a heart attack. You furrowed your brows and glanced to Ryuk. It had to be Misa’s notebook. You completely forgot about hers. Where was it? You’d have to ask him next time you were alone. “This is amazing! I knew he didn’t abandon us!”

“I’m going to abandon you if you don’t eat your breakfast, Rose,” your mother warned. She had begun to ignore Rose’s beliefs. She’s tried to change her point of view, or, at the very least, calm her devoted actions, but all of her attempts proved futile. There was no more point in a one-sided fight. Your mother turned to you. “I asked Rose, but she didn’t know. I was watering our bushes, and I noticed a small dirt patch. Did you plant something?” You nodded.

“Yes. A sunflower. Please don’t step on it, or bury it back up. I’ll make sure the rabbits don’t get at them.” Your mother’s head tilted in confusion.

“Why only one?”

“I wanted to see if it caught and grew, then I would grow more, but if it doesn’t, I’ll try another flower.” She nodded her head, visibly pleased and no longer questioning you. She mustn’t realize you did it at the dead of night.

“Gardening is good for the soul.” Well, your soul needed lots of gardening. “You should go out front and weed the weeds out of the rocks too.” Too excited at the news, you nodded and took your plate of eggs to your room. Setting the plate down, you turned right to Ryuk.

“Misa’s notebook. That’s it? Who has it?”

“Some guy.”

“Some guy? What? Did you guys just throw it somewhere in Japan and wait until some person picked it up?” You meant it as a joke, but Ryuk did not laugh.

“Basically.”

“You’re kidding.”

“Sure, I’m joking.” You breathed in deeply. Perhaps you were asking the wrong questions. You’ll have to take a new path.

“Is Misa’s notebook something I have to worry about, or is it something Light will take care of, somehow?” You asked the question calmly and gently, as one would a child.

“I wouldn’t go looking for it if that’s what you’re asking.” Finally, something from him. Not that you had plans to go out and be the owner of two notebooks, but there’s no danger in knowing. Actually, on second thought, there definitely was.

It didn’t matter. The killings started again! That means you had to be innocent, right? Unless… no they wouldn’t do that. You couldn’t think like that. At least Light and Misa must be proven innocent. You wondered if they would call you in again, after, or when they released them, so you waited. Days past and there was no word. No word from L or his accomplices, or sight of Light or Misa. You asked Ryuk, which you got nothing from, of course. You weren’t sure why you tried to ask. He’s made it plenty clear he takes no sides. Days bled into weeks, and you thought you were going to have a stroke.

You hated any amount of time you spent outside of your home. Thoughts of the NPA raiding your home and someone even hinting at anything, spontaneous gardening, if they asked if you were acting any different, which you were anyway, plagued your mind. Multiple times you’ve cut your time short with Takao, asking your sister and mother to call you and pretend it was urgent, faking sickness, and lying to the point where you even said your mom was hospitalized. It was getting worse. When you were home, you watched that stupid sunflower grow and grow. Your mother often complimented it and urged you to plant more of them. You did so, as to not earn any suspicion of only having one. There was only one problem.

You hated them. You wanted nothing more than to tear them all up and burn them to ashes. Every time your eyes laid themselves on those green stems, you wanted to cry. It was disgusting. You were disgusting. You’ve harbored Kira for so long, and finally, you were asking yourself why. Just why have you protected Light for so long? Why was death not a good enough reason to expose him? He threatened your family. He made you like this: Staring at sunflowers in anguish, lacking sleep for weeks without end, driving you practically insane. For what? There was only one explanation your mind conjured that you’d accept.

He played you like a game and won. Ever since the party, the words he gave you at school, the late-night calls, the “words of wisdom” he gave you about your peers, and even the “friendship” he gave you that you’ve been starved of for so long. “Ha, friendship. I’m such an asshole.”

It was a pathetic sight, you imagined, and figured Ryuk no longer paid attention or didn’t care enough to stick around to observe you sob on the blankets of your bed. Knees pulled to yourself, your palms remained plunged into your eyes to block the onslaught of tears streaming from your shaking form. You choked on your own breath and felt like you could die any second. You picked up your phone in urgency, digging through your contacts looking for something, anything. Your attention focused on Light’s contact, but you pushed on to Takao’s, and considered.

No, you were done showing your weakness to others. If it was anything like the last time, you were not having it. Plus, in your state, you’d end up revealing something you shouldn’t. Despite your hysteria, you had to have some slice of common sense left. If you would slip your information to anyone, you’d be royally fucked and buy yourself a one-way trip to the big house.

It was far too late to expose Light. You had plenty of chances in both high school and early college, but you didn’t take them, and now you pay the price. You didn’t know if it was regret, guilt, or fear that teemed your chest, contracting it like it was under thick cords, pulling and pulling until you wanted to vomit, and then you did. You convulsed on your bathroom floor for at least a half-hour before returning to the confines of your room, where your eyes met Ryuk’s.

“You usually like this?” Unable to quip back a snarky comeback, you returned to your bed, ignoring the god of death, and pointlessly lied down until you watched the sunrise through your window.

You lost track of the days. Each day turned into another on what seemed like an endless cycle, but things were slowly changing from that night. Sadness and despair were slowly turning to anger and reality. Your sleepless nights of wretchedness were morphing into nights of honest truth, where you’d stare at the same sunflower and ponder everything. Eventually, your sadness faded away, or perhaps settled into yourself that you were so used to it you didn't feel it anymore. 

“He’s manipulated me since day one, hasn’t he?” You asked Ryuk in the dead of night nearly a month after that vile night. You smirked sadly. “Everything was a lie, wasn’t it?” Ryuk only laughed. You matched his humor with a small giggle of your own. “I knew. I knew it more than anyone, but I didn’t do anything about it. That’s on me. I’ve accepted that.” It might have taken nearly a month, but you’ve come to terms with your lethal mistakes. In the same time, there was no sight of Light or Misa and no contact from the NPA. The possibility of charging you remained on your mind, in the big picture, it seemed appropriate for you to die as well. You recalled one time Light had called you Kira too, and now, clear as day, you see why. Perhaps no physical blood was on your hands, but you might as well be the one writing those names. You looked to Ryuk. “If they take me and kill me, we have to move the Death Note so my family is not harmed by my actions.”

“Are you asking me to move it if that happens? Ordering me around?”

“It seems like you’ve listened to Light pretty well so far, and I feel like I’m a lot less demanding than him. Plus, I’ll stop at that apple stand for you, if you want.” You had discovered his passion for the fruit weeks ago, when he started to go a little mad as well and urged you to get him one. “As many as you want, for a single favor. Please.” If Ryuk could roll his eyes, you know he would be by now.

“Fine, fine. Don’t see how it makes a difference anyway.” You smiled despondently at his response, eyes locked on a single sunflower. “So, are you going to finally throw Light under the bus.” You shook your head gently.

“No. No, for the sake of my family, no. I’d rather them never know the truth. It’d kill them to find out the true nature of myself. Yes, I know, it’d be nobler of me to turn Light in, and therefore myself, but I-I can’t. I’m selfish like that. Despite the fact I’ve accepted execution might await me, I’m horrified of jail, of death. I don’t want to die, so I won’t be the one to save the world.” Your voice had turned grim with a constant tone of dejection.

“D’you ever think maybe they’d lift any charges if you turned him in? Sounds like you’ve got ulterior motives.” Your head tilted back like the weight of it was too heavy and you gave him that same sad smile.

“I’m just a coward, Ryuk. Always have been, always will be.” You paused. “Besides, sounds like you know what I’ve accepted over this path month or so. It’s sad, isn’t it? I know. I know.” Your next smile was open and let out a ragged breath and a few tears. “I know.”

“Have more deaths over your head? Be a reason all those men and women are dying out there?”

“I’ve done it for years. What’s a few more?”

“I didn’t think you were this much of a loser. Thought you’d have a little more spunk.” You rolled your eyes, leaning your side against the wall near the window.

“Sorry, my moral revelation doesn’t have enough attitude for you. Give me another week.” That was your first full night of sleep. From then on, you’ve started to turn yourself around. You were starting to sleep, to eat more and better, and to not act so nervous every time the doorbell rings or someone at school approaches you. You, once again, apologized to Takao, and were beginning to spend less and less time at home. It was… fine, as it could be, but you prepared yourself for any sudden arrest. As long as there was no Light or Misa, you prepared yourself for the worst.

“The park?” You asked Takao incredulously. “That’s so far out of my way.” He shook his head.

“Yeah, but they’re shooting a movie there, and I need to check it out. Please, please, please.” He paused. “Wait, you still owe me for the basketball games and the fake sickness! This is it! I’m cashing one in, baby.” You rolled your eyes. You guess you didn’t have much of a choice now, so that night you caught a bus with the athlete and arrived at some big park. For the first twenty minutes, Takao failed to lead you to the right place, so you took the map and led him to the correct place.

It was taking place at the fountain, cameras, and crew everywhere. Takao, enthralled by the scene, surges forward, taking you with him. The first thing you see is the real Hideki Ryuga, which is a nice sight by itself, but the next person you see makes your heart stop. Next to him on set is… Misa Amane.

“Oh, my fuck! It’s Misa Misa! My wig is gone!” Takao couldn’t stand still, while you stood frozen. Misa… is free? That must mean one thing. Light had to be too. You glanced around until your eyes met another slightly familiar face. It was one of the men in the room when you were brought to be interrogated. Then they were keeping watch on her. Still, he was your only way of learning the truth, so you waited, much to Takao’s delight, a while, until you saw your chance when the man snuck away.

“I’ll be right back,” you told a distracted Takao who only made a slight noise in acknowledgment of your words. Quickly, you jogged to catch up to the man, and nearly scared the life out of him when you pulled him aside and slammed him into a tree.

“Where is he?” You asked, seething. The man, visibly scared at your approach, looked around in fear.  
“I-I don’t know who you’re talking about!” You rolled your eyes.

“Bullshit. You remember me? Because I remember you. If Misa is free, he must be too. Tell me.” He shook his head defiantly.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about! You’re crazy!” You heard footsteps coming from the brush behind you. You turned around to hear them better to make sure they were indeed footsteps.

“Shit.” You turned back to the man. “What’s your name?”

“Why should I tell you?”

“Tell me.”

“Get away from me!” The man shoved you off, making a break for it towards the street. Knocked on the ground, you watched his back jump into a taxi and go.

“Hey, is everything okay?” It must be the people you heard the footsteps from. Getting back on your feet, you shook your head.

“Everything’s fine.” Ryuk began to laugh, and you didn’t miss the faces on the strangers when you threw a good old nice finger sign in their direction. You headed back to the movie scene, standing next to Takao again, who was standing particularly close to Misa’s chair. He hardly noticed you returned.

It probably wasn’t smart to threaten him, as he’ll go back to L and them and let them know what you did. You could play it off as you being concerned about your friend, you guessed. It wasn’t until Misa’s phone rang as she sat nearly right in front of you, that you snapped out of your thoughts.

“This is so cool,” the boy next to you awed. You nodded.

“Yeah. Amazing.” This was the first real time you can see the model up close, and, wow, she was pretty. Like… really pretty, and skinny, and you looked like a mutant unborn guinea pig in comparison. Her phone rang again.

“Oh, Light is calling me!” Light. Takao must have heard too and glanced towards you. He must have seen your troubled expression and wrapped an arm around you casually. She held two phones to her ear. In your eavesdropping, you heard only things about a Yotsuba Group. Yotsuba Group. That was where your mom worked. Why would Light mention that group, and why would a voice, that sounds an awful lot like the one you just interrogated, mention them? You glanced to Ryuk over your shoulder. Sometimes, you forgot he was even there. Sometimes. He began to laugh. Is that where…?

It would make sense. You could remember your mom gushing about the company thriving and her receiving a hefty raise. Perhaps the other Death Note landed in one of their hands. With the businessmen dying on the news, it would make a whole lot of sense. Is that where the man was going? If he was working with L, then it had to be. What other reason did they have to go there?

You didn’t even notice her get off her chair and turn to see the two of you. Your eyes snapped open when you saw her looking at the two of you admirably.

“I wish I can go out with my boyfriend like you get to.” She said aloud. “It reminds me of him.” It was all she said before she returned to set. Takao began to die in laughter, taking his arm off of your shoulders to hold in his stomach for his hefty laughter. You smacked the back of his head.

“Shut up, asshole. I’m heading home.” He stopped his laughter and looked at you in disappointment.

“I know it’s almost over, but really?” You looked at him and he immediately realized. “Ah, Y/N. Old habits die hard, I see.”

“I’m really sorry. I… can’t help it.” You gave him a sad smile before you headed for the street and signaled for a cab. You decided to make your dead CIA grandfather proud and ordered the taxi to the Yotsuba building. You have to find out if this is where that agent went, and you could not be seen, or you were dead, but you had a plan. You waited outside, and, soon enough, another taxi pulled up, and Misa Amane exited the car and entered the building.

Bingo.

This had to be the place then. Why else would Misa be here too? By what you overheard on the phone, the man was here getting her a deal, of some sort. Bullshit, you called. With how Light was listening on the other phone to him, and how Misa responded to him when the other man hung up like she was receiving instructions, it had to be true. No questioning yourself anymore. You’re not a high schooler anymore.

Deciding you didn’t want to chance it, you caught and cab and headed home. You were tired, images of Misa Amane floating in your head the whole way home.

Light didn’t deserve her love, you decided. She was too good for him. Despite the fact she was the second Kira, she didn’t deserve to be manipulated by him. You pitied her. Love makes you blind. It makes you susceptible to things you would never fall for in normal circumstances. That, you knew too well. 

It was two days later when they called you back in. You weren’t surprised. After your encounter with that agent, you knew he’d go out and tell. You insisted on driving yourself, but the man over the phone said they have moved locations since, so, once again, you were picked up by the same man and brought to a building at least twenty stories high. He explained to you what happened. That Light and Misa were confined for fifty days, far passed when the killings began, as well as Light’s father. He also informed you of what Light’s father was asked to do, with the gun armed with a blank and Misa and Light in the car. It made you shiver. You were escorted up the elevator to a large room with a set of computer screens at the far end. Familiar backs faced you.

“I brought her.” The heads shot towards your form.

“Y/N!” It was Light’s voice that rang out first. In the room, you recognized him, Misa, L, Mr. Yagami, and the other agents from your previous visit. You strode forward to stand in the same area as the rest, and, as you approached, you noticed the chain between L and Light. You shook your head lightly. They still didn’t know you knew he was L.

“Light,” you breathed out. He smiled and approached you. You met him halfway, as his restraints only allowed him to travel so far. He immediately embraced you, and your eyes met Misa’s behind him, but you hugged back nonetheless, as a best friend would. He retracted, keeping you at arm’s length and his hands on your shoulders. You searched his eyes for something, anything, but they were wide and innocent. You hid your concern. Ryuk chuckled behind you. He must know something. You’d ask later. “What’s going on?” You turned to face L. “Ryuga? W-what are you…?” You stepped away from Light. His dead eyes stared back at you, unamused and unconvinced.

“As I’m sure you know, I’m L.”

“As I’m sure you know. Do you still… you do.” Your tongue traced your upper teeth in frustration. Light, tangibly confused, spoke up.

“What’s going on, L? Why is Y/N here? She has nothing to do with this!” God, his voice was so… different. You haven’t heard it like that since high school and when he was in public in college. It was almost… believable to you.

“I’m afraid that’s where you are wrong, Light. Y/N is under suspicion of colluding with Kira and hiding evidence of Kira from the NPA.” Light gasped, looking to you for confirmation. You met his gaze for a quick second before focusing back on L.

“You can’t possibly believe she is still a suspect!” It was Mr. Yagami that has spoken out. L shook his head.

“I believe I can. Light and Misa look innocent with the killings starting again, as it seems their memory of being Kira is gone; however, if Y/N knew of Light being Kira when Light was Kira, then her memory would remain the same even if he no longer remembers.” You opened your mouth to argue, but you couldn’t form the words. “In fact, with the killings starting again, I would remiss if I did not consider you to be the new Kira. It would only make sense, to pass it on to another person who is aware of Kira’s laws and supports them.” Impossible. You glanced at the cameras on the screen. They portrayed the insides of the Yotsuba group building. They must know they possess the Death Note, so why would they accuse you of such a thing they know you didn’t do? To get a reaction out of you, you’d say. To see if your story lines up with the truth.

“There’s no way. I have known Y/N for years. She would never be able to kill somebody.” Light was on his feet, staring down at L. L, unintimidated, casually looked to you, scrutinizing you.

“No, from what I have gathered from knowing her, she wouldn’t, on her own will.” You furrowed your brows.

“What are you implying, L?” There was an air of desperation in your voice.

“All I am saying is that people will go great lengths for those they care deeply for. Even hiding their identity to the world, even when that identity is Kira.” God, he had you, but there was no evidence, no concrete evidence to convict you. “So, we will not be dropping our suspicions of you. In fact, we will be keeping a closer eye on you from now on.” You shook your head. Light must have a plan. You glanced at him every so often, in hopes he’d give you a sign he had this under control. There wasn’t. He was keeping his façade strong. 

You'd have to do the work yourself on this one. You could do this. There was no more Mrs. Insecure-unsurity. You had to start controlling your own life, and it was going to start right here, right now. A month of self exploration wasn't for nothing. You would prove that. Breath in. One. Two. Three. 

You looked to Misa, beginning your plans, who must have recognized you, as she opened her mouth to speak.

“Hey, I know you! You and your boyfriend were at my movie the other day!” Light furrowed his brow at you.

“Boyfriend?” He asked, face contorting. You shook your head, ignoring him.

“Can someone tell me what building you’re watching?” You gestured to the screens. No one replied. “No one? That’s okay. The Yotsuba Group has a very nice building, though. Ah, don’t fret. Misa, my boyfriend and I were right behind your chair on set, weren’t we?”

“Well, yes.” You nodded, then pointed to the agent who you mildly assaulted.

“You, where did you go after I interrogated you? …Sorry about that. I was worried about my friend.” You shrugged. “Was it there?” You pointed to the computer screen. He nodded. You clapped, then pointed back to Misa.

“While you were on set, did you or did you not answer a phone call from that man,” you pointed at the agent, “about the Yotsuba Group for a job, and then received a call from your lovely man, Light?” She nodded. You clapped again. “Alright. Three for three. Let’s keep going. From my deduction, which is no way up to par with yours L, I would say you know, or at least suspect who or where Kira is and where that is?” You motioned to the screen. “Somewhere in there. Why? Why else would the group that’s looking to catch Kira be there? I’m not done yet. Want more proof? If you went through the list of employees, you must have seen my mother. She’s nonstop been boasting about the success of her company and her recent raise, starting just about the same time as when the killings returned. Plus, with the deaths of multiple company heads and presidents, there would be little else I would point to. Worried about if I would do it to help my mom? Sorry to disappoint, but I wouldn’t even know where to start or who to kill, as my major is engineering, and certainly not business. We were fine the way we were before. A raise wouldn’t drastically change our lives. We are not that desperate.”

For the first time in such a long while, you swelled with pride. You knew you were right. Unlike when you were figuring out the truth about Kira, you no longer doubted yourself. Something self-discovery and acceptance did to you. You gave no credit to Light, though you knew the truth about that, but chose to believe it was only you.

You looked around with confidence, waiting for someone (L) to spite you, but no one did. You must be spot on. You continued. “If you were wondering, my… friend, Takao, brought me there to see the movie they were filming, which is where I saw Misa and somebody I recognized from my last visit. I figured if Misa is now free, Light had to be too.” You looked to Light, and, to keep up appearances, smiled fondly at him. “Ask him if you’d like. He always answers my calls too quick.” You took your phone from your pocket and brought it out in offering. “If Kira is in the Yotsuba Group, it cannot be me. I know it doesn’t clear my name of collusion, but I would like to clear my name of being Kira.” You stared right at L, “because you know that I have never been Kira before this.” You paused. Fuck it, you‘d keep going.

“And, if Light’s name is cleared, so will mine, as if he is not Kira, I cannot be convicted of harboring information about a false Kira, and that is the law.” L looked at you, expression unchanged since you first walked in.

“One possibility I believe is that Light and Misa were indeed Kira and the second Kira, and now they have forgotten, and the power of Kira has passed on to cause that. If that is the truth, you still could have known of Light being Kira when he was Kira.”

“That’s in the case he was Kira, and unless your theory is proven, we cannot accept it as truth. Even if we do one day, condemning me of the crime would be based off speculation, as you have no concrete evidence of me having knowledge of Kira. Without evidence, you cannot do anything, unless you desire to tie me up as you did to these two, though I don’t see the point in that.” You sighed. “Even if Light was Kira, as you say, I didn’t know. Do you believe that Light was Kira?”

“Yes.”

“Come on! I’ve told you! I’m not Kira! How many times do I have to say it for you to believe me?” You watched Light closely. His act was amazing. He was so genuine. Too genuine.

“Y/N. Do you believe Light has the capability of being Kira?” Both L and Light looked to you. Light seemed to be desperate. No sign of confidence or his knowing gaze. Something was wrong. You'd have to ask Ryuk later. You met L’s eyes.

“Yes, but I believe you have the capability of being Kira as well. Not many people could keep two people, and one of their father’s confined for so long even after the killings began again. Your lackey told me in the car. And to make Mr. Yagami, Light, and Misa go through that whole car thing? Sounds like you’d do anything for justice, just like our favorite criminal.” Yes, you were walking in dangerous territory, but you weren’t scared anymore. Like you said, if they do kill you, you deserve it.

The room was so silent you could hear a pin drop. Your breathing, steady and even, became highly audible in your ears. You looked to Light. There was nothing. No sign of anything besides utter shock and surprise.

“You’ve changed since I last met with you, Y/N.”

"I’ve grown up since that time at the bakery, and I’m not about to sit around and do nothing while you speculate about my fate. Not if I have a say in it.” L sighed. Whether if it was because he was done with your persistent arguing or your attitude, you didn’t know.

“Fine, you’re free to do whatever you like, just know we have our eye on you.” You nodded, a breath of relief escaping your lips. “As well, you’re welcome to visit your friend at any time.” Just to watch you, you bet, but you said your thanks.

“I think I’ll be leaving now. Thank you, again.” You smiled at Light and Misa, and then turned around and made your exit. You were not even halfway through the main lobby when a voice called out to you. With its pitch, it could only be Misa. You stopped and turned around to face her. “Yes? Are you about to ask about my relationship with Light?” You chuckled. “Well, since you’re his girlfriend, I’ll indulge you. We met in high school. He was number one. I was number two. We got into the same college. We got close. Now, we’re nearly best friends, but nothing more has ever occurred or will occur. I’m no threat to you.” She hummed.

“I knew that! You were with that boy at my movie, remember?” You snickered, waving your hands.

“He’s not my boyfriend either. He’s just a friend.”

“So you have a lot of guy friends, huh?” You rose a singular brow.

“I’m not a whore if that’s what you’re implying there. I’m not looking to be your enemy, Misa. We have the same goal. I want Light safe, and so do you.” She seemed unconvinced, but she didn’t voice any objections.

“Just remember that I’m his girlfriend, and I’m sure we’ll be fine.” She smiled at you, and you figured it was either the fakest thing you’ve ever seen or the second fakest thing you’ve ever seen, only behind the smile that you gave her back.

You could see now why she played so easily into Light’s hands. She was enamored. You’ve seen it for years now in so many different people. God, you wanted to help her, to let her know the reality of everything, but you figured it might have already been too late. Maybe she knew what she was in for already. Was Light going to really fall for her? Genuinely, no, but he'd fake it until the world was his. That, you knew for sure, but she didn't deserve the one-sided... thing that was going on. Though, you didn't peg her as the type to just accept it if you went out and told her. Perhaps, if you cared enough to, you'd be more creative and attempt to help her without flat out telling her the truth.

“Of course.”

“So, what happens when one relinquishes ownership of the Death Note?” You asked Ryuk as soon as you got home that same day. “Something is different about Light, and I don’t know what. It has to be from when he let it go. You must know. It must be part of his plan.”

“When someone relinquishes ownership, all their memories of the Death Note leave with it, if that is what you’re talking about.” You nodded.

“Yep, that’s what I’m talking about. So Light has no memory of being Kira, then.”

“None.”

“So, besides whoever at Yotsuba is Kira, the only person in the world who knows anything about the Death Note… is me, correct? And, the only person who knows the real identity of the real Kira, is me. Perfect.” You ran a hand through your hair.

“You going to cry about it?” You hummed.

“Not anymore. I think I’ve cried enough for my lifetime and more, don’t you think? It’s time that I stopped denying that I could go back and make my life normal again. I mean, I didn’t spend a month sulking around here in my own pity to not come out a better person. I mean, did you see me back there? I was badass! It felt amazing! I’ve never been able to do that. It just… clicked, like someone flicked a switch and changed me in a second. Of course, that month did me some good, more bad, but some good, somewhere. And for so long I’ve allowed Light Yagami to control my life, for what? Everything was fake. I was just desperate, and I latched to whoever was open. I’m better now.” You walked over to your window and looked out. “Still hate those stupid flowers, though.” You shook your head.

“It’s funny, now that I think about it,” you continued. “I bet this, me growing up and realizing this whole thing for myself was still part of his plan. I can guess his endgame will include him regaining his memories somehow and bringing himself and Misa to innocence in L’s eyes. Then, I can get rid of that stupid thing.”

"Not going to write one little name down?” You scoffed.

“I guess it wouldn’t make a difference if I did, but no, I’ll pass. Perhaps I’ll be in a better ring of hell when I die if I avoid using it. Unless there’s a special place Death Note owners go to in death that you didn’t mention yet.” You rose a skeptical brow at him.

“Certainly not heaven or hell, though it might be exclusive to only those who actually use it, not bury it in their backyard.”

“Great. Makes a girl feel a lot better. I’m sure Misa will love eternity stuck with Light after death.” It came out more bitter than you intended, and you predicted Ryuk’s snicker before you actually heard it. “I haven't decided if I'm going to help her yet. I don't even know if she wants help, or if she realizes she needs it." 

"Help her? The girl who stole your man?" You huffed in annoyance. "I don't think she needs it."

"No, me neither, but... you know Light as much as I do. Like kissing a brick wall... with spikes...poisoned spikes, but I know. I think it's too late. I've never seen someone so enamored by him before. Ever. He'll use her and dump her away as soon as he could... if he ever could." Ryuk remained unmoved. 

"I still think you don't actually care about her well-being. I think she's in the way of what you want, and you want to convince yourself that you're doing something good, where in fact you're doing something for yourself. Take it from me. I've seen Light in the same place countless times. You're a lot more like him than you think." You shook your head, firmly denying what he was insinuating. At least some of it. 

"I'll persuade myself of whatever I want to believe. Disillusioning myself is a skill of mine, after all."


	17. Preparing

If Light were around, you’d never hear the end of it. Instead, you had his pet, and things were going a lot smoother. You had someone to talk to about something besides ruling the new world and hating everyone and thinking you should literally interact with no one besides himself. With Ryuk, you felt _human_ again. Well, of course you did. He was a freaking monster, but if it was a monster following you day-in and day-out that made you feel normal, you’d take it. Your standards were subterranean at this point.

“What is it again?” You asked Takao in some random, sketchy restaurant he brought you to.

“It’s a sports banquet. It’s kind of like a dance. The boy athletes dress all nice in suits and stuff, and the girl athletes wear dresses and pretty up, and they all get plus ones, so I was wondering if you’d be my plus one.”

You’ve never been asked to any dance before, and you didn’t go to your senior prom. Light convinced you not to for a reason you now forget. Another thing he ruined. Your face burned, and you scratched the back of your head. Do you tell him this was your first dance of any kind? Honestly, he probably wouldn’t even be surprised to hear you say it, so you spoke your mind.

“Um... I’ve never been to a dance before, just so you know. Like, no prom, no Sadie Hawkins, no formal or anything like that. I mean, I’ll go. It sounds really fun to be around a bunch of people in better shape than me and dance around like a baby doe.” He relaxed in his seat, taking a sip of his Coke.

“Nah, man. Number one, athletes come in all shapes and sizes. You don’t gotta look like a cross country runner to be an athlete. Number two, no one gives a shit. Just come with me and have fun. I’m a great time.” He opened his arms to advertise himself. “Any lady would like a piece of this.”

“All ass, no brain.” He smirked.

“I’ll take my nice ass over a high GPA any day.” You both shared a laugh, and when it got quiet, he spoke up again. “After the reception, there’s a... party at my friend’s place. It should be nowhere near the last one, with nearly one-fifth of the people, I promise, but if you don’t feel comfortable going, we could totally go bowling or something.” You shook your head.

“No, it’s fine. I trust you.” Takao smiled brightly.

“You trust me?” You rolled your eyes.

“Don’t let it get to your head, big guy. When’s this reception anyway?” You watched the confidence drop from his face. “You don’t even _know_?”

“Sorry! I was busy trying to figure out whether you’d actually come with me or not. I’ll ask my buddy, and I’ll get back to you. It’s soon... I think. Like, as in the next one or two weeks, so get shopping!”

It was then you realized, you owned zero nice clothes. You’d have to actually shop for yourself unless your sister would help you. You were sure she would. On your way home, you insisted you would walk home alone, but you were pretty sure the boy was following you a block behind. You called Roselyn about this task. She agreed before you could even ask the full question and set a date and everything before you saw her in the house ten minutes later.

"A dance, eh?" Ryuk commented. "Wonder what Light would think about that one?" You ignored him.

About an hour after getting home, your text tone went off.

**Light: Hey! It would be cool if you could stop up to the HQ sometime soon! I’d go to you, but I’m a little tied up with me being handcuffed to someone. Today or tomorrow would be great :).**

God, if you weren’t convinced Light was no longer the one you have grown accustomed to, you were now. A smiley face? From _Light Yagami?_ From _Kira?_ It was hilarious.

But, in reality, you did not want to see Light. You didn’t want to know what he would have been like without being plagued by the Death Note. That truth hurt you. As well, you wanted to hate him. To an extent, you did, and you didn’t want to stop hating him from seeing what he really _is_ like because, now that you think about it, you never knew Light before Kira. In high school, he was just a classmate. To see him now, it would kill you to see what could have been, but never could be.

And you knew you couldn’t ignore him or be mean in any way, not with L nipping on your heels as he was. For the time being, while Light’s memory is gone, you will have to play the best friend role, because even Light himself wouldn’t know why you suddenly hated him especially after your actions that were done to convince them you cared for him. Any sign of change could implement anything. You’d just have to stick it out until he got his memory back.

Then, then it was game over. You were cutting off your business with him.

**Y/N: Yeah, I have time tomorrow. I’ll let you know when I’m heading over.**

24 hours later, you parked your mom’s car at the sky-high building and took the elevator to the appropriate floor. When you got there, the room was plenty full. Light, with L, of course, as well as Misa on the other couch. This must be her room. Did she get _her own room? Jeez..._ You cleared your throat to signal your presence. Light stood up immediately, brightening at your appearance.

“Y/N!” You smiled and waved, coming around to sit down and avoid the possible hug or something he may give you. “How’s everything been? How’s school?” You shrugged.

"Oh! Y/N, there he is!" You ignored Ryuk, again.

“School’s school. Heat transfer is killing me a little bit, but it’s fine. How’s—er—your business here? If I can ask, at least, with confidentiality and all that.”

“It’s fine, Mrs. L/N.” L responded. You nodded and looked over to Misa beside you.

“How about that movie you’re shooting?”

“It’s fine. We’re shooting again tomorrow if you and that boy want to come and gawk at me again.” You pursed your mouth and looked away. That was unnecessary.

“Oh yeah. Y/N, you said it was Takao with you, right?” You nodded. “I didn’t know you were close to him again. Are you two together?”

“Oh, _God_ no. No, he’s just touchy. He’s the one who insisted we see the movie shooting.” You explained.

“I haven’t seen him since our argument.” You leaned forward, elbows on your knees and hands folded in curiosity.

“Argument?” Light shook his head.

“I don’t... really remember what it was about. I’m sure it wasn’t important, though.” You were sure it was important if he doesn’t remember. You’d ask Takao about it later, but you wouldn’t push it here in the present company.

"I'm sure it was important," Ryuk added. You huffed through your nose. No, you wouldn't ask Ryuk. He wouldn't answer you straight anyway. 

“Yeah, he just asked me to be his plus one to the athletic banquet coming up. No, Misa, we’re not dating. We’re just friends like I said before.” You eyed her from the corner of your eye.

“I wasn’t going to ask!”

“Just in case.” You only stayed for around two hours before you had to excuse yourself. Your conversations with Light were so regular and trying to keep your attitude and temper down with him was proving difficult. L was sitting right there, playing your words in his head, looking for an implication of anything, and Misa kept the conversation going, which you were oh so bad at doing. All of it just was too different for you.

No, you didn’t hate Misa. God, you couldn’t bring yourself to, though messing with her a little bit was awfully fun. But L, L you could hate. He didn’t want to be wrong about you as he had to admit he was about Light and wanted nothing more than that slice of evidence to prove you guilty. Light, you already hated, so no problem there. 

At home, you were home alone, with both your mother and sister at work. Roselyn would be moving out soon, you figured. She was only staying home, for now, to get back on her feet after college.

Speaking of which, after college was something you had to consider now. Taking your cell phone in hand, you dialed the long number and waited for an answer. 

“It better be important if you don’t remember time zones and call me in the dead of night.” Oliver’s voice was exhausted, and, he was right. You’d completely forgotten about time zones, but it was too late anyway.

“Oh my God, I’m so sorry. I’ll call back—,”

“S’fine. What is it?”

“You know, when you visited, you said you’d be able to pull a few strings and help me get a job over there. Well, I’m interested.” He paused, perhaps slowing processing your words because he was so tired.

“Oh, jeez. Alright, I’ll talk to some people about internships and stuff, and email forward some opportunities. Alright?”

“Yeah, that’d be great. Thanks.

“I’d talk longer but...

“Go to sleep.” You knew it did not take him long to do so.

You continued to plan. It was a few days after the call that he sent those emails to you. You’d even replied to a few. This kind of motivation for you was rare, but to get out of here? Oh, you were excited. You finished your resume you started earlier in your college career and faxed that a few places. Apparently, a near graduate from To-Oh was very well wanted. You guessed that was one good thing your years with Light had led you to.

Roselyn and you, when the day came, made an entire trip out of your shopping day. You’d gotten your attire, accessories, and shoes for the reception, plus a boatload of new items for your lacking wardrobe. By the time you had gotten home, you were exhausted. You skipped dinner and went straight to bed.

You visited Light twice more, one time including you getting kicked out while they were planning against Kira. Light texted you after, apologizing for it. You hadn’t visited since, using the excuse you didn’t want to get in the way again. He didn’t question you, understanding your point of view and saying you could go over as long as you let him know.

Ugh. Sometimes you missed the old Light. You hadn’t had a good kick to your self-esteem these days without his old self around, besides for Ryuk’s occasional jab towards you, which was mostly about you “running away” now. You told him every time he spoke those words to “tell Light when he gets his memory back that he’s the biggest fuck in the universe, and I never want to see his handsome slimy face ever again.” Usually, you told him to exclude the handsome part.

“But you aren’t leaving for America any time soon. By the time Light gets his memory back, you’ll still be here,” the god of death said once during one of your many “I-can’t-believe-I-fell-for-Light’s-shit” rants.

“You don’t understand. As soon as he gets his memory back and takes that tablet back, I’m done. I’m blocking him out of my life forever. Until I get to the States, I’m going to avoid him like the plague and focus on myself and my future. It’s the only way I’ll ever move on.” You explained, but Ryuk just chuckled.

“Good luck with that, Lady.”

“What do you mean?” The god of death broke into one of his laughing fits. “Hey, don’t fucking laugh around this. Tell me what you’re laughing about.”

“I just think it’s funny that you think you can get away from this that easily.” You shook your head.

“It is that easy. It always has been, but I’ve been convincing myself for so long it wasn’t. He has his own agenda, and he knows I won’t speak a word. What other point is there to keep me around? There’s none.” Ryuk continued to laugh like you were telling the greatest joke in the world. “ _What?”_ “Nothing, nothing. I just know too much.”

“And I’m guessing you won’t tell me.”

“You don’t want to know.”

“If it involves me and my way to freedom, I do.” Ryuk was adamant, though.

“You really don’t want to know. It might ruin your psyche again, and you just got that back, what? Yesterday?” You rolled your eyes, continuing to work on your desk.

“Fine, don’t tell. Ignorance is bliss. Once I relinquish ownership of that thing, it won’t matter. All my memories of it will be gone, right?” Ryuk remained quiet. “Right?” You spun around in your desk chair. “ _Right?_ ”

“Well, no. That’s only if you use it.”

“You’re shitting me.” You shook your head, returning the chair to face your desk. “No, it’s fine. If I have to carry the burden of the truth for the rest of my life, I will. It’s the least of my punishment.” You resumed your work on the piece of paper, then folded it up. “Should I address it to Light or Kira?”

“What? Are you pen pals or somethin’?” Your eyes hit the back of your head.

“What if Light isn’t the one who comes picking this up? I would like for him to know my intentions as soon as possible. I’m just preparing for anything.”

“Not really anything. I mean, I don’t think you’re thinking the whole decision to abandon Light so thoroughly. I think this newfound bravery is messing with your deductive ability.” You scowled at him and the idea. How can he say that? He saw you at HQ the first time? If that’s _messing with your deductive ability_ , you’d say you weren’t doing too bad. Before you can voice your thoughts, he must have read them. “I’m not talking about overall skill, but when it comes to Light, your thinking is a little… hazy.”

“Fuck you. When I’m done here, I’m going to forget who Light Yagami even is. Don’t delude me otherwise. Don’t think I didn’t think about Light ordering you to make sure I didn’t run off or do anything like this while he was… gone. I don’t care. I’m gone. The days are ticking down until they find this Kira and Light is back. Until then, I’m going to keep working.” And work you did. Internships were turning up and online interviews in the coming months. Still no sign from L or Light of anything. 

“Just you wait, Light. As soon as you’re back, I’ll be gone. The only thing I’ll regret is if I don’t see the look on your face when you find out.”


	18. Forget Everything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> huhisudhfjndf

You didn’t really know what to expect from this banquet today. Whenever you expressed your nerves to the one who invited you, he shook his head, reassuring you that the whole thing is just so the athletes from different sports can rub it in the other’s face that they had a winning season and the others didn’t. You really didn’t see how athletics from the same school could go against each other. Perhaps it was just a friendly rivalry, the kind meant to spur each other to do better, like some of the unspoken ones you had with a select few of your peers in your academics. Nonetheless, he assured you there was no bad blood. They only bust the girls’ basketball team every year about who has the better record. Nothing to be apprehensive about.

Even this supposed after-party didn’t have you trembling. You were nervous, sure, that was your nature, but with how many times Takao had made it clear that if you were the slightest bit uncomfortable with it, even while the two of you were there, you were both gone, you found some solace in his words and decided to finally trust him.

There was no more contact from Light recently. He was most likely preoccupied with catching the Yotsuba Kira, and you could guess Misa _might_ have had something to do with it, though you couldn’t see how. Would Light really allow her to do that? If things were one-sided when Light did have his memory, it would continue to be that way without them, right? You’d ask Ryuk but you didn’t want to torment yourself with the ridicule you’d get from that question, so you didn’t think too much into it.

“Ryuk, want to help me get ready tonight?” You asked out of the blue about an hour before you’d have to start getting ready before the time Takao was supposedly going to pick you up. Did you really think he was going to be on time? There was no way in hell, but you’d be prepared just in case.

“Yeah, I think I’ll pass. I don’t need Light knowing—nevermind.” Your eyes narrowed, and you shifted in your bed to stare incredulously at him. He didn’t say a word. Even when you rose your brow, he didn’t budge.

“I’m not going to let you off that easy.”

“Slip of the tongue.”

“Bull-fucking-shit. What don’t you need Light knowing? Since when are you top-secret-keeper-of-the-Shinigami-realm? Huh?” You shook your head. “Actually, I don’t care. Whether I know or not, it won’t matter once I’m out of the picture, so I don’t know why I even asked.” You shrugged in apathy, turning back on your stomach to continue the book you were reading.

“Oh, you so want to know.”

"I so _don’t,_ in fact.” You didn’t look up when you responded.

“What if I tell you?”

“Are you going to tell me?”

“If you’re interested.”

“I’m not.” You replied quickly.

“Not about the argument he had with your buddy? Nothing?” You swallowed.

“Nothing.” You confirmed.

“Are you sure? I know it all, and I could tell you right now.”

“No thanks.” You flipped the page.

“You’ve gotten real boring lately.”

“Well, Light will be getting his memories back eventually, if whatever plan he concocted before he lost them all works out, so you just have to deal with me until then.” You paused and looked up. “You really preferred me when I was a mess? Jeez. Come on. I think I’m one of the better people you’ve had to follow.”

“Nah. Someone trying to become the God of the New World is a little more interesting.” You nodded, returning to your task.

“Fair enough.” And that’s all there was to it.

About an hour later, you closed the novel and threw it off to the side after checking the time. You exited your room and quickly found your sister’s body lying still across the couch, her arm locked ninety degrees in the air with her wrist bent holding the remote towards the TV. Your mother sat on the nearby loveseat.

“Roselyn, can you come help me get ready? It’s time.”

“Yeah, def. Hey, you see Sakura TV today?”

“Did I lose brain cells you mean? No, I did not. Why?”

“Apparently, someone is coming to their studio tonight to reveal the identity of Kira. According to them, they have solid evidence too to prove it.” You rolled your eyes.

“It’s Sakura TV, sis. You know it’s total bullshit.” Your sister swung her body up suddenly to sit straight.

“Yeah, no shit, but I just wonder what they’re going to pull. Think I’ll tune in tonight.” She tossed the remote to your unsuspecting mother, who roughly took it to the face, and stood up. “Well, ready?”

You didn’t know how your sister knew half the stuff she did, and while she tried to explain what she was doing as she did it, you were still lost, so you resigned to cluelessly nodding until she was satisfied instead of explaining it three times over. She helped you squeeze into your outfit and slipped on your shoes before standing up and trailing her eyes up and down your figure wordlessly.

“I look awful.”

“I didn’t say that! Do you really think I’d do you dirty like that? My own sibling! Never. You look hot! Like spicy hot. Like damn. Here, take a look.” She opened your wardrobe, so you could look in the full body mirror at yourself. “See? I told you.” Well, she was right. You certainly did not recognize yourself, in a good way. You looked to your sister, who smiled expectantly.

“Holy shit, Rose! How the—holy hell. Thanks _so_ much, holy shit.” You met her smile with your own. “Jeez. I gotta show mom. She’s gonna piss herself.” The two of you descended down the stairs, and immediately your mom stood up to meet you.

“Oh, my baby. You look so, so amazing. Oh, I have to get my camera!” The woman ran to the kitchen, and you can hear the sound of drawers being ripped open and dug into. She ran out with the small digital camera in hand. “Say cheese!” You rolled your eyes but smiled nonetheless as the flash nearly blinded you. Your mother inspected the box. “One more! Roselyn, get in!” Your sister’s arm wrapped around your shoulders and your heads tilted against each other as you both smiled at the second flash. “My children are beautiful. Make sure I don’t lose this for when your friend comes.”

_If_ your friend comes would have been more like it, you mused fifteen minutes later as he still hadn’t pulled in. You weren’t surprised and assured your family multiple times he’s always like this. Ten more minutes past when there was finally a knock on the door. “I’ll get it,” your mom insisted and opened the door revealing a well-dressed Takao with a sports jacket, buttoned undershirt, and a pair of slacks on with his hair slick back, and… no socks. You’d go with it. It was cute.

“Hi, Mrs. L/N. I’m Takao Shinji, and it’s so nice to finally meet you.” He bowed deeply. Your mother shook your head.

“Come! Come in!” She nearly shoved him through the door and into the living room. The athlete looked around before his eyes set on you. Instantly, his face faded into a deep red,

“Y/N… wow.”

“Yes, wow. You’re nearly a half-hour late! It started fifteen minutes ago, you idiot!” You laughed, playfully hitting his arm. “Takao, this is Roselyn, my older sister, and you already met my mom.” The latter already held the camera in her hand.

“Okay, you two. Smile!” His hand came to rest on your hip and your touch-deprived self nearly jumped at the contact before settling down and smiling for the flash.

“So cute.” Ryuk drawled from the other side of the room.

“So, ready to go?”

“Yeah, should be. Bye mom, bye Rose! Thanks again!” You waved to them and grabbed the bag of clothes for after the event near the door before you both walked out into the brisk air. “Sorry about them,” you said when you shut the door. “The whole fact that this is the only school event thing that I’ve been to in my whole life has them treating it like it’s my senior prom. Sad, right?” He began to lead you to his car.

“Why didn’t you go to any of your dances before college?” He inquired, opening the door for you. You waited for him to situate himself in the driver’s seat to answer because frankly, you didn’t want to tell him it was Light who had convinced you not to.

“Didn’t have anyone to go with.” He looked at you empathetically, starting his engine.

“No friends?” You smiled sadly.

"I think you know I’m not the best at that sort of thing.” He glanced over to you swiftly before focusing on the road again.

“Well, you had one friend, didn’t you?” His tone was a tad sadder when he asked, and you gave him a smile of the same thread.

“One,” you sighed.

“I haven’t seen him in a while.”

“Yeah. He’s busy.” You shook your head. “Look, I’m not stupid. I know what I’ve probably made you feel like for all this time, and, honestly, there are only a few things I feel worse about than that. I know it’s a shit time to bring it up, but I’m really, truly sorry. I just…” _trying to change._ You felt his lanky hand place itself on top of yours.

“Hey, it’s fine. I understand. More than you could know.” You grinned and let silence pass for a minute or so before speaking again.

“Um, actually. Question. I heard that Light and you had gotten into some type of argument. I don’t know when or about what, but, I was wondering, if you’d shed some light on it.” His lips twisted in displeasure. “Sorry. Not the best car ride conversation. You don’t have to tell me.” Ryuk chuckled in the backseat.

“No, it’s fine. It was bound to come up eventually. It really wasn’t about anything important, so you shouldn’t worry about it.” He smiled gently at you. “It’s fine.”

“He’s lying,” Ryuk added from the back. “Both Light and your friend are lying. You still don’t care what it’s about? Really?” You swallowed, ignoring the god and hardening your gaze through the windshield.

“Okay, good. I won’t ask anymore.” An awkward silence permeated the air. God, who let you out? Of course, you’d pull this shit. Light’s still here _even when he’s not._ You still had work to do on the whole “getting away from all this.”

“Y/N, you really do look beautiful.” Your mouth opened, and your face warmed like an oven,

“H-hey! You can’t throw that shit on me all of a sudden!” You covered your face with your hands. “It’s terrible. So rude.” Takao laughed.

“Hey, guy’s just being honest here.” You shook your head adamantly.

“Whatever.” You peeked at him through your hands. “You look pretty handsome yourself. The hair slicked back, the nice clothes, and you don’t smell like sweat for once.” You set your hands down as he gasped.

“I don’t _always_ smell like sweat!” You stared at him knowingly. “…Do I?” You scoffed.

“Only on good days.” He rolled his eyes. “I don’t even want to smell your feet right now.”

“Hey, no socks is the style. I think it looks pretty slick, don’t you?” He waved his free foot in the air to show off. You grimaced.

“Get your smelly feet away from me.”

“Here I’m thinking you’re into it.” You stuck your tongue out and shook off the shivers the statement just gave you.

“So you’re _that_ kind of guy, okay. I would have sent a foot pic sooner if I’d have known.” He shook his head.

“I knew a girl once who was into it. Didn’t feel too bad.”

“Really? Who?”

“That girl who was in our chemistry class. She usually sat next to the greasy kid with the graphic tees.” Your jaw dropped.

“You slept with her! Takao! You—oh my God.” You ran your hands from your face to the back of your head. “Tell me you’re lying. She’s the rudest bitch in the world.”

“I was drunk.”

“Not drunk enough. You remember it.” You both broke out into a fit of laughter.

“Isn’t this cute? Sure a happy couple.” Your smile immediately dropped. You’d nearly forgotten about him in the back there. “Oh, sorry. You’re not together. I’m sure it bothers him more than it does you.”

The two (three) of you pulled up to the reception hall soon after. After struggling to find a parking spot in the full lot and a terrible parallel parking job you had to direct from the outside, the two of you entered the hall.

The whole hall was decorated in orange and white, the school’s colors. All along the walls were areas designated for each sport, with a team picture in the middle and action shots around it and a table with statistics, jerseys, and other things for each sport.

“Oh my God, they’re already eating.” Takao shrugged.

“It’s all good. They eat, then the athletic director talks, then each team captain talks, then the director comes back and presents any awards the team or players won during the season, then each season’s sport gets an MVP. Could be a swimmer, wrestler, or any person from a sport in that season. Usually, I don’t come here, but we had to since we won the championship.”

“You won the championship?” He rolled his eyes.

“Why aren’t I surprised you didn’t know that?” A pang of guilt hit you, and he must have noticed as he backtracked immediately. “Hey, hey, it’s fine! I’m just busting you. Come on. I could see the table from here.” He led you to the round table with two empty chairs.

“Right on time, asshole,” one of his teammates greeted. His eyes flitted to you. “Ah, you’re Light Yagami’s friend, right?” You irked. That was your title. That’s what it’s been for a while now. Your name was someone else’s. You exhaled through your mouth. It was fine. You’d have your name back eventually.

“She’s Y/N, actually,” Takao answered.

“Yeah, the one always with Light.” Before he can answer, you spoke up.

“Yes, that’s me.”

“Heard he’s dating a model now. That true?” Another asked. You smiled

“Yes. He’s with Misa Misa.” The one who asked started to last.

“Damn. What a third-wheel you must be then.” You inhaled deeply.

“Guys, cool it.” Takao warned. The player put his hands up in surrender.

“Sorry, sorry. Go grab some food and sit down.” The two of you headed over to the desolated food line and grabbed your food in silence.

“Takao—,”

“It’s fine. You can’t control it.” He gave you a melancholic smile before sitting down at the table.

“Yikes,” Ryuk commented.

You remained silent for most of the time, watching Takao carefully as he interacted with his teammates. He seemed happy, sure, but you could tell something was off. You didn’t want to guess what.

You had some time before the director spoke again, so you decided to visit the nearby basketball table. On the wall, you scrutinized the team picture. Takao was in the middle of the picture, making a goofy face, which made you smile, holding the championship trophy. There were also two action shots of him handling the ball near the team picture. On the table, the league stats and box scores were on display. Takao had the highest number of steals in the league, and third in the league for three’s.

Oh boy. You were really a shit friend. You shook your head. You could only fix your mistakes by making up for them in the future, not dwelling on them in the past. Still, the guilt really befell you. You hadn’t even realized how much you missed, and you were supposed to be his good friend. He must have terrible taste. You’ve noticed the difference in him recently too. You figured it could have been anything, so you didn’t ask, but now? Now you had a good deduction, and you should have realized sooner.

“You’re not quite the great person you want to become yet, are you?” You glared in the direction of the god, and accidentally caught the gaze of the girl in the same direction. You turned forward quickly. “Poor boy. He knows too.”

“Impressive, right?” The man in question stood beside you. “I know. I’m the best. No need to let me know.” His smile didn’t reach his eyes. He must be just as bothered as you.

“Looks like you had a great season.”

“The best, I think. Most people think it’s because of our shooting guard. He came from this big basketball club and can shoot really far shots, but I think it’s the rest of us that really do it.” He shrugged. “Whatever it was, it worked.”

“I’m sorry—,”

“Don’t. Stop apologizing.”

“If everyone can take their seats, the director will be here shortly.” A woman spoke from the small stage at the front of the hall.

“Come on. Let’s sit back down.” You followed silently.

The director welcomed everybody and said a few opening words you didn’t focus on. As the speech went on, and different captains spoke about their respecting team, you zoned out more and more on Takao’s back. Why was he still your friend after you put him in second for so long? Why did he still try? Maybe he knew you didn’t mean to, but still. No one deserved to be treated that way. Especially him. You _have_ to do better. He deserves that if nothing else. Watching him walk up with his team to accept his championship trophy, laughing and smiling, he deserved more than you. Or, at least, a better version of you.

The director came back on the stage after all the captains spoke, to commence the last part of the night: the MVP of each season.

“And for the winter season: Takao Shinji.” You jumped out of your thoughts as the boy next to you gaped in awe. You smiled and joined in the encouragement for him to get up and accept. He did so eagerly, taking the plaque in hand and waving to the crowd before returning to his spot next to you. The director thanked everyone for being here and wished everyone a goodnight. All the occupants nearly tore down the door to get out.

“We’re not going to the same place as all of them, so don’t worry. My friend’s apartment would never fit this many people. Come on.” You followed him out to the car. “He’s got a nice place going. You’ll like it.” He paused. “You don’t mind driving if I drink too much if you don’t drink, do you? If we both do, I’ll pay for the cab. Sound like a plan, Stan?”

“Got it, Sergeant.” You pulled up to a small duplex. There was no music that you can hear from the yard. Even as you walked in, the music was low, the TV was on, and there was people lounging about, talking, some kissing, but nothing crazy. Liquor, juices and sodas lined the counter along with a few empty beer cans with them. A group of them greeted Takao and he proceeded to the counter.

"Want anything?” You shook your head.

“Not yet. Maybe later.” He nodded, taking the cranberry juice and vodka and mixing them into a cup full of ice, then told you he was joining his friends in the bedroom, if you wanted to come. You did, not before popping into the bathroom and changing into your spare clothes, since you probably didn’t know anybody else.

The bedroom was just a queen bed with some space around it forming a U shape in the carpet with a wardrobe in the corner and some drawers in another. A group of people lied on the bed and others sat on the ground. Takao and you sat on the edge of the bed. He laughed at something someone else said as he sat down.

“Y/N, right?” A girl said. “I remember you! God, I didn’t think you’d ever be out after the last party you were at.” She shook her head. “Don’t worry. We don’t remember it because of you. It was the only party Light Yagami had ever went to.” You felt Takao stiffen beside you at the statement. “But shit like that happens, you know? We can’t judge. Glad to see you’re back out! Do you want a drink?” Her words were slurred. You were beginning to think to get a cup to keep in your hand to avoid being asked if you want a drink.

“Were you two a thing before—you know—he started fucking a model?” You breathed heavily out your nose.

“No, never.” Ryuk chuckled behind you.

“Ha! Could have fooled me. I think him and that Kiyomi girl had a thing too. Damn. Fuckin’ poor taste up ‘til that model.” A girl added. Were you included in that “poor taste?” You didn’t want to ask.

“You’re just mad he didn’t fuck you!” A male shouted. The girl laughed and nodded, taking another drink. Takao remained stone still.

“True!” They all shared a laugh before the topic changed to something else. Still, Takao remained tuned out most of the time, so you were basically on your own as he left and returned to fill his drink multiple times until he was drinking straight liquor. The more he drank, you noticed, the more he spoke, but his words were not always the fun-loving words that came from him when he drank. No, they were much fouler than them, so you decided to flee the room and find the living room, where another group was huddled around the TV.

“What’s going on?” You thought aloud. One of the boys turned around.

“On Sakura TV, someone is going to reveal the identity of Kira! Look!” He pointed to the mounted TV. Indeed, there were two screens on the TV only displaying silhouettes of the two people. “It just started. Come sit!” He moved over enough so you can squeeze in.

“Oh, what’s this?” Ryuk awed. You watched carefully. When your sister mentioned something earlier, you didn’t pay any attention to it, but now you were thinking, because you had little else to do here.

All of a sudden, the screen fell to reveal a familiar face. Your eyes widened. It was the same man you cornered in the park all that time ago. The one you guessed was posing as Misa’s agent to keep an eye on her.

“Holy shit! Kira is going to kill him now!”

No, he wasn’t, you ruefully thought. This was it. This was the climax. It _had_ to be. They would not take such a risk doing this on TV if it weren’t to draw Kira out. You didn’t know the details, no, nor were you sure this was actually the final part of their plan, or Light’s plan. You could only speculate. What you did know is that it was all being staged. Even the screen falling. Everything L or Light does is planned thoroughly, and they wouldn’t allow that to happen if they didn’t want it to. That was just who they were.

The majority of the program consisted of dialogue between the two about this and that. By the time it was nearly over, you were at the point of falling asleep, so you decided to seek out Takao in the room you left him in. You took his keys from his jacket pocket first before looking.

“No, sweetheart. He went in the back. Follow the scent.” You didn’t know what they were talking about until you opened the screen door to the backyard and caught the whiff of a skunk dying ten times over. You’ve caught this scent once before. Over to the side, you found him standing alone. You approached.

“Hey, how’re feeling?”

“Great.” He mumbled. “Perfect.” You frowned but didn’t dig into it in fear of what you would find.

“I’m real tired, so I was wondering if you were staying here tonight, or if you’d rather me take you home. I’ll drop the car off at your house and have my sister pick me up from there.” You didn’t think he acknowledged your words for a few seconds, so you went to reiterate when he spoke up.

“Why? Still not good enough for you?” Your heart twisted.

“What?”

“You heard me. Second-rate. That’s what I’ve always been to you, and you know it.” God, this is exactly what you were horrified of. You shook your head.

“No, Takao look—,”

“No, _you_ look, Y/N. I’ve tried _so_ hard to keep up appearances that I’m fine. At the movie set, when you left, it was when I finally realized, no matter how much I’m there for you, no matter how much we’re together, I’m never the first one on your mind. Today just _proved it!_ You weren’t _my_ friend or _my_ plus-one! You were _fucking Light Yagami’s friend!_ And you don’t even argue with it! You don’t defend yourself or stand up for your name! If you had to pick between me, the person who was _always_ there for you since that party, or him, the picture-perfect genius who’s controlled you for so long, it’ll _always_ be him, and you know what? I’m _so fucking sick of it._ Why don’t you just tell me the truth for once? Tell me that I’m number two. Tell me I’ll always be second-rate to you. _Tell me!_ ” He was full-on yelling now, and the other occupants of the yard had long since fled the scene. You shook your head, heartbeat accelerating and breathing hastening. Tears began to brim at your eyes.

“Takao, you don’t understand—,”

“Oh, I understand, Y/N. I understand _perfectly well._ And you don’t even know! You just don’t accept the truth. You delude yourself that everything’s fine and focus on yourself and couldn’t give two _shits_ about anyone else’s feelings. God, I should have known you’d be _just like him._ I was an idiot to think you’d be a good person. I tried to believe you were, and I did for such a long time, but I was blind. I made myself oblivious because I decided to only see the good you portrayed in person.” He was standing at this full height, leaning over you.

“Takao, _please.”_

“No, you’ve had countless times to talk and you never did, so you won’t now. I want you to get the _fuck out of my life._ I don’t need anyone who treats me like a number two all the time. I’m _not_ number two!” Submitting yourself to your tears, you continued to plead on.

“You’re drunk and high. We have to get you—,” you reached to take his hand, but he swiftly pulled back like you were venomous to him.

“ _Don’t touch me._ Go the fuck home. Get away from me. Forget everything. I’m done with you. Go be alone. That’s what you’ve always done best, right?” He stepped around you and reentered the house through the back door, leaving you alone in the yard, suffocating on the fumes and your own sobs. You fell to the ground, covering your mouth and nose with one hand while the other reached out in the direction he stormed off it.

“Please don’t go,” you repeated, but he didn’t come back. It mustn’t have been long before you made your way to his car. He could pick it up tomorrow you didn’t care. You had to get out of here, no matter what.

Running to the driver’s seat, you threw yourself into the vehicle, slammed the door, and, with shaking hands, turned the key into ignition and put on your seatbelt. Still watching your side view or rearview mirrors, you backed out before storming into the road in the direction of home, blubbering the whole way home on choked breaths and hot tears.

Even in your wailing state, you focused enough to drive under the speed limit and in control. Your driver’s ed class always remained in your memory for times like this. You were in control enough to watch the speeding car come up from behind you, and, unlike what you’d presume he’d do, break and wait to pass, the car squeezed between you and the truck in the lane next to you, though he was far too close to you. Before you even had the time to swerve over, the car had already pushed your car in the direction of the guardrail, and before you can even breathe, you felt the uncontrollable spin of the car, the impact, and then nothing,

You awoke to white. White walls, white ceilings, white robes. The sound of beeping stirred you from the right. At first, it was all blur, but slowly it adjusted again, and you were able to look around the room you were in. The fight. The accident. You remembered it all, but your head throbbed too much to think on it.

“Stupid red car.” You muttered.

“Ah, good morning, Mrs. L/N. How are you feeling?” The nurse asked. You looked at him with half-lidded eyes.

“Fantastic,” you deadpanned. “What happened, anyway?”

“There was a police chase of sorts, and getaway car ran into yours, and your car spun out of control and crashed into the guard rail. Good thing you were wearing your seatbelt, else you would have flown out the windshield and your injuries would have been far more severe.” You groaned.

“How long was I out?”

“About thirteen hours. Your family is on their way, as we just notified them of your consciousness. They came last night as well until we were forced to kick them out.” You nodded.

“When can I be out of here?”

“After the doctor checks you out, I would guess by the end of today. None of your injuries are lethal or ones we have to keep a close eye on. As long as you change your bandages and clean your wounds, you should be fine.”

“So, there’s no broken bones or anything?” He shook his head no.

“Nope. You’re very lucky. Normally ribs are damaged from the impact or the seatbelt, but there was none. After the doctor clears you, make sure to stay home and get some rest.”

“Okay, thank you.”

Twenty minutes later two faces appear in the doorway.

“Y/N! You’re okay!” Your sister yelled. You nodded.

“Yep. Still kicking.” Your mother lightly hugged you as to not hurt your wounds.

“Thankyouthankyouthankyou,” your mother pleaded. She let go and set her hands on your shoulders. “If my friend wasn’t a nurse in here, we’d have no idea this happened. He told me what happened.”

“That car… it wasn’t mine.” She shook her head.

“Don’t worry. The Yotsuba Group will be paying for either the damages or a new car for all cars damaged in the chase, as well as any medical bills, for some reason.”

Wait, what? Why would the Yotsuba Group be covering it? What would they have to do with this? Unless… Yes, that must be it then. The car chase must have had something to do with Kira, or maybe it even _was_ Kira. It would make sense with the Sakura TV program. You’d have to ask your sister how it ended. If your speculations were right, then the program was a trap and that car that ran into you had to have something to do with Kira.

“I made a few calls to my superiors last night to figure that all out when they no longer let me see you, and Oliver knows you’re safe too.” The doctor walked in then.

“Great news. I heard the nurse ran through it all with you. After a few more scans and x-rays to make sure there’s isn’t any internal damage, we can release your daughter in a few hours. Until then…” the doctor’s voice faded out as Ryuk’s laugh came in. You rolled your head on your pillow to look at his lurking form in the corner.

“What a day,” was all the god said.

“…Got it?”

“Yes, doctor, thank you.”

By dusk, the three of you were walking—limping—out of the hospital. A few bandages covered your form, and as soon as you walked in the door, your sister and mother practically threw you in your bed and scrambled around the house for medical supplies. You could hear them from your room clambering around in the kitchen and bathrooms.

“Rough night,” Ryuk said. You hmphed.

“You’re telling me, but, I guess it’s what I deserved, you know? I mean, he was one-hundred percent right in everything he said, and while I was trying to ignore the truth about it and hope it tapers off, it steamed and boiled within him the whole time, His façade was good. Funny, I should be able to see through façades by now, but I guess old habits die hard. I guess he’ll go off and find somebody better. Someone that values him the way I didn’t.” Still, his parting words resonated deep within your very soul. You _were_ meant to be alone after all. You didn’t deserve happiness so matter how much you strived for it. God, you were so used to this shit. 

If that was the punishment for all your sins, then so be it. You’d accept it no matter how much it hurt.

“You’ll be gone soon too, Ryuk. It’ll be any day or week now Light gets his memory back, if he hasn’t already.”

“How do you know his plan includes you relinquishing your ownership?” You scoffed.

“I don’t give a shit what his plan incorporates. As soon as I see him or his little girlfriend, I’m relinquishing it to them, and then that’s it. I begin my reconciliation, whatever it may be. Hell, maybe I should even start going back to church.”

“It’s a little too late for that, don’t you think?” You shrugged, wriggling around in your bed to find more comfort.

“God’s supposed to forgive you for all your sins, right? Even the awful ones. Maybe the fact I didn’t kill anybody will help me out here.” You sighed. “Whatever it may be, let it happen. It’s the least of what I deserve.”

“Here you go, Y/N. I brought you a cup of tea and some Tylenol. Mom’s downstairs having a hissy fit over the bandages.” She paused. “Were you talking to somebody in here?” You wondered how much she heard but didn’t concern yourself with it.

“No, just myself. Takao and I got into a… little outing before I left. Just thinking out loud about it.” She didn’t look like she believed you entirely but dropped the subject nonetheless. “Hey, how did that program about Kira end last night?”

“They just cut it off a little while before we got the call you were in the car accident. Why?” You nodded.

“Just curious.” 

It was nearly midnight when the ringing and vibrating of your phone awoke you. Groggy and disoriented, you squinted to see the contact and the text.

**Light: Go downstairs and make sure no one hears you.**

“Oh, what’s this?” Ryuk questioned. You grumbled something, carefully lifting yourself from the comforts of your bed.

“Our timer,” you replied. Before doing anything, you dug in your drawer and took out the letter you wrote before. Careful not to undo any of your bandages, you slowly made your way down the stairs to your eerily lit living room. You hadn’t noticed it was raining until you leaned against the back of your couch listening to the drop bang against the windows. You had almost missed the small knocking on the door in the middle of the noise. You opened the door without bothering to check the keyhole.

“Misa.” You stated. She eyed you up and down, but I guess she wasn’t curious enough or didn’t care about your rough state of being. Before she can talk, you continued. “I know. Follow me.” You glanced at Ryuk before leading her to your backyard, grabbing a shovel from the shed, and approached the dropping sunflower.

“You buried it?” She exclaimed.

“Do you want to wake up the whole neighborhood?” You hissed. The first thing you did, the most relieving thing, was dig up the sunflower and toss it and its root somewhere behind you. From there, you dug, in pain, while Misa watched until you were able to stick your hand down and tear the notebook from the ground. Quickly, you stuck the letter into the middle before she can see. From there, you dropped the notebook rather harshly at her feet. “Pick it up when I’m done. Ryuk,” you said. “I relinquish my ownership of the death note.”

You shut your eyes. When you opened them again, Ryuk was gone and in Misa’s hand was the Death Note. After a few seconds, she looked to you.

“You’ve known the whole time?”

“I’ve known for far too long. There’s a letter in there I addressed to Light. I’m asking you not to open it and read it, but you’ll like the contents of it, I’m sure. I’ll indulge you, to satiate any curiosity. I’m done with Light and Kira’s business. When you take that notebook back, make sure to never seek me out or involve me in your affairs. I’ll be gone in the coming years, but, until then, ignore my existence as I will yours. I’m no threat to you or Light. If you need confirmation, you can ask him yourself. I’m sure you won’t mind me out of the picture anyway.” Misa’s eyes traveled away from you to a spot near you. “If Ryuk’s saying something, ignore it.”

“I would have never let you steal him away from me anyway. He’s mine. We’re in love, and there’s nothing you can do about it, so it’s probably best that you back out of the game now.”

“Get out, Misa. Go be happy with Light, and make sure to deliver that letter.”

“Trust me, it’s no problem.” You watched her form disappear around the corner of your house.

Soaked, you inspected your now wet and falling bandages. You hurried to fix the dirt pouch and tossed the sunflower into the trees before returning to the shelter of your house. In your room, you changed your clothes and dried yourself off. Using the bandages left in your room before bed, you carefully changed them before tucking yourself in again in the darkness of your bed. You let out a deep exhale.

If this is what freedom was like, you certainly didn’t feel it yet.


	19. Matter of Time

“If Light Yagami shows up at the door, never let him in. Never tell him I’m home if I am. Never tell him where I am if I’m not. Got it?” You warned your mother and sister over breakfast.

“God, what’s with you two? One minute you’re on the phone with him at one in the morning, the next you drop him like an anchor. I don’t get it,” your sister complains. “Whatever, I got your back, but I don’t know about…” her eyes glided to your mother. “We know how she can be about being mean to people.”

“Mom, I know you’re against hating people and all and believe everyone deserves forgiveness, but this is different. In the small chance that he does show up, you have to promise me you’ll never let him in or tell him I’m home. Please.” Your mother’s countenance was drenched in worry at the pressure you were throwing on her. She was the biggest pacifist one could ever know.

“If it’s that important to you, fine.” You were thankful neither of them asked why. Most likely because they were sick of your Light Yagami drama and didn’t bother to ask questions anymore.

It’s been a few days since you were released from the hospital, and your injuries were healing swimmingly. Your physical injuries, that is. There was no word from Takao ever since that night, and your mother had already told you her workplace was finished replacing and fixing all the cars that were damaged, so his car mustn’t be the issue. Whatever the issue was, you didn’t dwell on it or question it. If he decided those factors you could not control and the fact you could not put him as a priority because you were _dealing with Light Yagami being Kira_ were too much for him, so be it. Everyone was entitled to what they prioritized in a person, but what killed you the most was the fact you defended him _constantly_ to Light. Whenever he would explain to you his doubts about the athlete and his friendship, you automatically denied it. Of course, Light was right. Why you thought he wasn’t on this was beyond you. Perhaps you were trying to convince yourself Takao was a factor you could control, something Light had no say over. In that plight, you blinded yourself to the superficiality of his friendship.

It was okay. In the end, it was your fault anyway, just as everything else was. Loneliness was your atonement. Takao was only starting that path for you. Besides, once the company you’re speaking to about internships back home offers you one, which is only a matter of days, hopefully, the less people you’re attached to, the better. You would be able to leave as soon as possible when the offer comes in.

Still… did he even feel _bad_ about what he said? Maybe he was so ashamed he was afraid to contact you, or he meant every word and really did not want to ever see you again. Either way, you would not be the one to seek him out. You had at least that much self-respect. For now, you would allow time to dictate your relationship with the athlete. You had no time for it. You had plenty of other worries yourself.

First and foremost, if Misa did deliver your nice correspondence, you were left to wonder how Light will react. You predicted he wouldn’t. A ‘God of the New World” would not concern himself with you. His plan was too big, and you could not foresee him going out of his way to rope you back in. Too much hassle for too little result. You were no real use to him. You couldn’t bring yourself to write in the notebook as Misa could. You didn’t even have to pose as his friend anymore. Misa was there for that too. She was replacing you in all aspects.

Good.

She was way prettier than you too, so it coincided perfectly with his façade anyway. It look far better than it did with mediocre you there anyway. That was in his eyes, reasons he would not run after you. In your eyes, you didn’t care for those reasons at all. You weren’t leaving for _his_ benefit. You were leaving for _yours._ Not that you needed to remind yourself of that. You were simply convincing yourself of reasons Light has not to pursue you. Not that you thought he was going to. No, not at all.

Still, if he didn’t require you, why did he still involve you in shit? He could have easily hidden the Death Note somewhere clandestine and just tell Misa where it was, and he could have just as easily never contacted you again after focusing his attention on the model once she showed up.

That reminded you. Not only were you ridding yourself of Light and Kira, but also Misa. Upon further pondering, you realized she was as much of a danger to you as any. If she took that eye deal Light told you about when the Second Kira first appeared, you were _dead_ as soon as you crossed whatever line she drew, and, maybe you were being presumptuous, but she _may_ seem a _tiny_ bit of a psycho girlfriend. No, not the ones guys tell you about on first dates where they claim their ex was “psycho” as an excuse to break up with a good woman. Like actually _will kill you._ You weren’t trifling into that mess.

It was Friday morning. You were tutoring a first-year in calculus. Well, tutoring was a light term. It was more like teaching him it, slowly. You’ve been on limits for two weeks with him. You couldn’t complain. Epsilon-Delta is a shitter. The Library and Technical Center paid you to tutor on the side, so you had this boy in calculus, a girl in English, and another girl in chemistry.

“No! Look, it’s not about what’s the y-value is _at_ the x-value, it’s about what the y-value is _approaching_ at that x-value? So, it wouldn’t be this dot at the jump discontinuity at negative three, but the value this line is approaching, which is two.” Your nail traced the paper. “Does that make _any_ sense to you?” You looked at him for his answer, but his eyes were trained out the window. “Hello?” You snapped your fingers in front of his face. He jumped and refocused on you.

“Sorry, that kid’s been staring in here this whole time.” You grunted.

“What ki—oh.” You looked out the window and there was the winter athletic MVP staring right at you. You looked back to the first year. “Here, try these three practice problems out and I’ll be right back, alright?” He nodded, and you left with urgency to meet with the distraction.

“Y/N—,”

"You have a lot of fucking guts to come here, interrupt _my_ tutoring session after what you said to me. So, if you want to talk, talk.”

“Y/N, look. I _know_ there’s no way to apologize for what I said. Even when I heard you were in the hospital, I was scared to see you know it was partially _my_ fault you were in there, but I know that was wrong. Completely wrong. I’m a coward, Y/N. An insincere, insecure person who let their lack of confidence blame you for shit you don’t even have a say about. Besides, I know why I was always put second anyway, and I should have been more considerate of your feelings instead of trying to harbor them to myself.” You stopped him with a wave of your hand.

“You know why you were ‘put second?’” He nodded.

“Of course. You’re in love with him.” _God,_ Ryuk would have loved this if he were here. Your jaw dropped, and you took a step back to take in what he said. “Deny it all you want, but I see it. I saw it every day. I know I can never understand, and I’ll totally understand if you never want to talk to me again, but I wanted you to know I’m going to regret saying those words for the rest of my life.” You were quiet for a minute.

“Tell me about the argument you and Light had. I want to know.”

“W-what?” You glanced around.

“Just tell me. It's crucial that you let me know. There are... _sides_ to him.” Takao shook his head.

“Trust me. I already met that side of him. The argument you asked about? He told me if I ever told you about it, he’d make sure my last years of college would be miserable. He… brought up old secrets. I don’t even know how he got a hold of them, and, if anyone finds them out, I’ll be done for. I’m sorry, Y/N.”

“You’re scared of him.”

“I’m scared of what he can _do._ People like him: smart, handsome, and alluring, they have power. I-I can’t have anyone find that out about me. Not even you.” You nodded in understanding.

“So, you’re saving your own ass.”

“And yours! I don’t know how you’ll take it if I told you. The argument, it put thoughts in my head, thoughts that plagued me for a long time. It made me realize that I’d never be important to you. Not as important as he is to you, anyway. It made me hate myself, him, and, eventually, you. I’m sorry. I-I really am. I’d give anything to take back those words.” You shook your head quickly.

“Don’t. I’m moving. I have an internship that’s probably going to reach out to me back in The States. I’ll be gone soon, hopefully within the next week or two, but, I still forgive you, but you know why this friendship won’t work anymore.” He shrugged.

“I figured you’d say that.”

“Right? A superficial friendship over because you can’t own up to a past mistake, so you pick your reputation over my friendship. Before you ask, yes, I do forgive you because I’m a nice enough person to not want to you to dangle this over your head for however long, but I won’t forget what you said. I don’t care how high or drunk you were. You dug into shit that I didn’t deserve. If all you want is to be is a number one priority to someone, because you weren’t one to Harue or Nori, then I’m not your answer. I’m sorry that I didn’t see it sooner, and I’m sorry for whatever Light did or said to you because of me. It’s best you leave.” He didn’t respond, so you took it as your answer and proceeded back to the doors of the library until you stopped.

“And Takao,” you called, turning only your head to look at him. “I’m not in love with Light Yagami.”

“Yeah, you keep lying to yourself, Y/N. It’s what you’re best at.” You heard him say before returning to the boy who probably finished those practice problems long ago.

It was that same Friday night, and your English student could not tell the differences between _there, they’re, and their, lose and loose, angels and angles,_ and _through and threw._ You didn’t blame her. Half of native English speakers couldn’t either. Being one yourself, you’ve been an English tutor since your first year of college.

“An angel is the thing that goes ‘aaaah’ from the sky and plays the harp and wears the halo while an angle is the thing that’s like this,” you bent your elbow in the air to a ninety-degree angle. “Make sense?”

“Yes, that does.”

“Good. Lose is to lose something, like money or your wallet or a lost dog.. Loose is something that is loose, like a shirt or pants that are baggy.” You tugged at your pants. “Make sense?” She furrowed her brows, disturbed, but nodded nonetheless. “Hey, is there something wrong?” She glanced around before leaning towards you.

“Your class’s representative has been staring in here this whole time.” You didn’t look up as she leaned back, heart-stopping for a minute.

“Everyone knows my schedule today, don’t they?” You muttered. “Ignore it.” She did, for a while, but you were much better at disregarding it as she was, or at least, better at pretending to.

“I’m sorry. It’s really bothering me. He’s just sitting on the bench out there. _Waiting._ ” You swallowed. _What did he want? Were you wrong about his response?_ You had to be. This had to be about the letter, and you were not game for sitting down and having _that_ conversation. “It’s kind of… creepy.” You scoffed.

“Got that right. Come on. Let’s just go to another room.” Both of you collected your books and set it back down in another room. There was about… two minutes of peace before she whispered again.

“He’s still out there. Did he follow us?” You didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of looking. “He’s standing, leaning on the fence because there’s no bench there. Y/N, he looks really angry. Can we go to a different room?” Every study room in this library had a window, and if you moved to the main area of the library, there was a chance he’d come _in_ and really corner you. _Think, Y/N, think!_ “Why is he looking at you? What does he want?”

“We have mad beef. Probably wants to throw hands.” You glanced at the clock. There were ten minutes of your session left.

“Do you want to end early?” You didn’t. You wanted to use this little first year to protect you from Light as you walked out, but that would be facile. Light would scare her off, and, frankly, you didn’t want to use her like that anyway. You looked at her expectantly.

“If you want to leave, you can. He freaks me out too.” She cleared her throat. 

Thank you. See you n-next week.” She hurriedly stuffed her books into her backpack. You, luckily, only had your backpack and didn’t have anything to pack into it, so you got up and waited for her to rush out before following her. You stopped at the door. God, you can _feel_ his gaze at you through the glass. _No, don’t turn around. Keep walking._ You swallowed but found yourself unable to move. Every so slowly, like a demon possessed your body, you turned your head, and your eyes were glued to his like magnets. God, she was right. He _was_ pissed.

You had to run. You rushed through the hallway leading back out to the main library. The front door was a no. It led right to an open area where you could easily be seen. The back door led to another. You racked your brain. There had to be something—.”

“Hey, Y/N! Thanks for the English help last year. I’m doing great now!” Your eyes flashed to the new voice and the group he was with. _The English class!_ Language classes were held in the library! You hurried up to him.

"Yeah, how’s it going?” The boy smiled.

“Good, great, actually. I’m one of the best in my class.” As you had your brief conversation with him, you sunk him and yourself deeper into the small crowd until he fared you a farewell. You glanced around. The crowd was quickly diverting. You looked for any sight of Light. Turning around, he was meters behind you, eyes frozen on your form, sharp and unwavering. _Angry._ Fear shot down your spine.

You picked up your pace, keeping in the most crowded and open areas around campus. He had longer legs than you, so you upped your pace to a jog to not look like you were running from someone. You kept going, winding through campus in twisting paths until you probably made five whole trips around. You turned back again. He was gone.

“Geez, how long has he been gone for? Have I been walking around here like an idiot for an hour?” Your hand dragged down your face in exhaustion, then you checked the time. “Rose will be leaving soon, and mom won’t be home ‘til late tonight.” At least you had the house to yourself, so no one was there to question why you were boarding up the doors and windows.

Still careful of your surroundings in case Light popped out of nowhere, you navigated your way home, avoiding alleys and peering around corners. You were pretty sure every by-passer thought you were an escapee from the looney-bin by how you were presenting yourself. Well, if they were you, they’d understand. Midway home, your phone’s text tone went off and you _screamed,_ scaring those nearby. You smiled, completely and utterly embarrassed, looking down at your sister’s contact name.

**Sister Dear: Sorry.**

**Y/n: what’d you do now lol**

By the time you got to your house’s door, she didn’t answer. You shut the door behind you, looking around the silent house. “Hello?” No one answered. “Rose must be gone already.” You headed for the kitchen first, grabbing a water bottle from the refrigerator, then proceeded upstairs to your room. You tilted your head at the sight of your closed door, then even _more_ at the muffled voice from the inside. You slowly opened the door.

“—so fuck you, Light. If you ever dare to associate me again in your business, I will reveal everything. I swear to god, I will. You have no business involving me anymore. When I move back to the States, I’m forgetting everything and moving on, like I deserve to. I’ve accepted my sins and whatever penance I have to do for what I have allowed to occur ever since I discovered the truth. Have fun getting your limp-dick wet with your loyal following, prick. With Love, Y/N.”

He was seated on your computer chair, legs straight out and upon the surface of your desk, ankles crossed. His eyes, intense, met yours and remained on them as he tore the familiar piece of paper in two, then ripped those in two, and threw them over his shoulder onto your rug. Your heart was in your throat, and your form remained frozen in the same stance you were in upon entering, hand still gripping the doorknob in a steel-like lock.

“Get out.” You growled. “I don’t know who let you in, or if you broke—,” Your sister’s text came to mind. That _shit_ of a sister. You’d kill her. “Never mind. Get the fuck out of my house before I call the cops.” He ignored you, hands folding in his lap.

“What did you think you’d achieve with all this? A letter, really? I thought you were better than that. When Misa handed it to me, she was yipping like a dog.” He kicked his legs up and set them on the ground. “It was disgusting. What? Did you think a little note and avoiding me was going to work? Come on. You’re smarter than that.” You remained still, swallowing your fear. He won’t kill you. No, he won’t kill you, right?

“I don’t understand why you keep me around. Why you keep me _locked_ here. You have no reason. You’ve known that I have never been a threat since high school. Now you have Misa and her eyes and her loyalty. And, frankly, you know she’d kill me if I stepped just one centimeter in the wrong direction.” His eyebrows quirked, visibly irritated, then continued to stand up.

“You’ve always been so dense. It’s gotten annoying, but we shouldn’t get off topic. What’s this about moving to America?” You smirked.

“Like that part? Oh yes. Fuck you, buddy. And there’s nothing you can do about it.” You finally let go of the knob and strode past him, fluid and full of sudden confidence as you leaned against the side of the bed farthest from the door. “I leave, someone, me or someone in my family, dies, L figures it out in a heartbeat, you’re jailed and killed. Even my brother, who is in the States, you’ve never seen him. There is no way you can change the situation. You’re stuck.” His smirk matched your own.

“I hope you’re moving fast, then. The way I see it, L will be dead in a matter of days.” Your jolt of confidence shrunk. Your head whipped in his direction.

“What do you mean?”

“I’m not sure if I can put it in simpler terms than that, really.” His grin seethed with malice. He was confident. Not that that was unusual, but this was different than his natural confidence. Not only was he confident as all hell, but he was also _excited,_ like a child bouncing in his seat, or, perhaps, a hungry dog preparing for his meal. “Looks like the clock is ticking on your _plan._ But, even so, with L gone, who is there to suspect it? Especially since we’re so… close.”

“You’ve threatened me with this before. Day-fucking-one, actually, and we both know killing innocents who aren’t in your way to Godhood is against your philosophy or whatever. You wouldn’t.” His eyebrows quirked for a moment, taking your words as a challenge, no doubt.

“If something is in the way of what I want, I get rid of it, and now, of all times, when our goal is closer than ever before, you think you’re able to walk away? I don’t think it’s going to be so easy for you, Y/N. You can’t leave. _You can’t live without me._ You know what I’ll do if you try _._ Look what it’s done. You’re hurt. He hurt you, didn’t he? He—,” He cut himself short, body suddenly stiff and alert, as if he just remembered something important. His eyes glanced around your figure, his eyes wide in realization. When Light was done with his examination of you, his eyes met yours once again, reverting back to hard and demanding. “What happened to you?” And you thought his voice was angry before? Now, it was low and near-lethal. You glanced around.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He pounced towards you.

“Don’t lie to _me,_ Y/N. Don’t take me as an idiot. What are these bruises on your arms, and this on your leg? I thought you were limping a little back at school. _What. Happened?_ ” He growled the question out. “Who touched you? _Who?_ ”

“It was just a car accident. Some guy in this fancy red car fucking flew down the road and knocked me out of the lane. I’m fine.”

“The car out front is still fine.”

“It wasn’t our car I was driving.” You muttered.

“Whose was it?”

“…Takao’s.”

“And why were you in Takao’s car? What you were doing out so late at night? Were you at that party?” Did Takao take you to that sport’s banquet and to a party after? I swear—,”

“It’s not your _fucking_ business where I went, and, for the record, I know it was whatever Yotsuba guy was Kira was the one driving, so I can imagine you might have even got to witness me almost die if you were there. It seems no matter _what_ I do Kira always comes around to ruin everything. Let me guess… that guy, the one you all produced that fake program for, he’s dead?”

“I killed him before they could put him in the police car, and now both you and I are free of suspicion.” You rose a brow.

“Really? You really think L believes you’re not Kira and I don’t know that?” You stopped yourself and rolled your eyes when you realized what you were doing. “God, why am I still even bothered? I’m done. You should leave.”

“L will be _dead_ in _days,_ and, when he is, you’re not going _anywhere I don’t allow you to._ Look at you. You get hurt if you’re by yourself. Do you think this sudden change in yourself is attributed to your own personal strength? Y/N, you’re in so much pain that you’ve become numb to it, and you’re mistaking that for moving on and being strong. You’re _not._ It will only take one little push for that wall to come down. Maybe you don’t know it, but I do. I'm the only one that does.” This _guy_ just _threatened to kill your family_ and is now trying to make it seem like he’s _there for you._ You spoke your thoughts.

“So, you’re just going to threaten to kill my loved ones then try and convince me you’re here for me. Is that what’s going on? You’re insane. You no longer have control over me or my actions. I suggest you _get out of my house_ before I call the police, and I’m sure L will be thrilled to see you being convicted of trespassing.” He was not deterred by your words, not that he ever was.

“The more you disillusion yourself, the weaker you become, Y/N.” Light began his exit towards the door. “Time’s ticking on your plan, Y/N. I suggest you make your move before I do.” He vanished around the corner. With a sigh, you fell limp onto your bed. Perhaps you have a long-distance call to make tonight.

It was Sunday morning.

“Oh, yes, Y/N. Hello! This is Mr. Stockton about a job here at the firm. We’ve reviewed your resume and application thoroughly, and we’d like you to come in for an official interview as soon as possible! When is the earliest you can come in?” You and your mother stood above your cell phone as the man spoke on speaker and jumped in silent excitement. You looked to her after the jumps and quiet screams for an answer.

“T-Thursday!” You yelled out.

“Thursday? Is that enough time?” Even your mother looked at you quizzically.

“Yes. I’ll be there on Thursday.” A fourteen-hour flight between now and Thursday? Sure, that works.

“Amazing, then! We’ll book a hotel for you here in the city, and I’ll forward you the details later. I’m looking forward to meeting you in person. Until then…” The phone call cut short. Again, your mother and you jumped around in the kitchen, this time with real noise.

“Y/N! You have to book a flight! Why didn’t you say next week?” Oh, you had your reasons.

“I just blurted something! Mom, can you book my flight?”

“Y/N, you are an adult. You can book—,”

“Please…?”

“Fine. Go get your sister! Unless you’re still mad at her.” She looked at you expectantly. What? You were mad at your sister for doing _exactly_ what you told her not to do no matter how “scary” she said he was. Did you think you still would have encountered Light even if she didn’t let him in? Undoubtedly, but you would have had a _little_ longer period of happiness at least. Still, you had every right to be pissed, though now it was more so of a grudge because she felt _so_ bad, and you couldn’t blame her for being swayed to letting him in.

“I’ll tell her. I’ll tell her. _And_ I’ll call Oliver. I’m only going to be thirty miles away from him after all.”

God, you couldn’t be any more excited. Finally, _finally,_ after so long, you were going to be back _home_ again. You couldn’t help your excitement. After telling your sister and brother the news, you sat in your room and thought about people to call. Takao? That would probably be mature of you, but it wasn’t going to happen. Maybe you’d give Harue a call now that she’s disappeared off the face of the earth. Also, a no. You guessed there was no one. Oh well. You had packing to do.

Nothing exciting happened between Sunday and your flight on Tuesday afternoon. There was no going away party or a big last supper with the family, for there was _not_ enough time for that. You didn’t even pack everything. You only packed enough for a week or so and then your mom and sister were coming with the rest of your stuff. (You didn’t know where you’d be without them.) After your interview, the three of you were going to visit Oliver, so it wasn’t like you were going away forever. If you get the job and end up staying, then it’d be a different story.

After wishing you good luck and long hugs, the two of them watched you continue on into the airport after security until you were out of sight. You (your mom) managed to grab a direct flight back to the States, somehow, so you had fourteen hours of airtime ahead of you.

Nerves jumped under your skin. Carry-on and suitcase in hands, you pushed on into the main area of the airport, hurrying since boarding starts in ten minutes. Once you arrived at your terminal and handed in your boarding pass for an actual ticket, you waited in the crowd of people, standing since all the seats on the surrounding couches and chairs were full. In the middle of the jumble of voices around you, you heard your phone ring. Without looking at the caller ID, you answered, figuring it was your mom saying you forgot something.

“I told you. L’s dead.”


	20. Like A Demon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ???

“I… _got the job?”_ It was three days after your interview in the city. You stood in your hotel room near the window, watching the people pass below. “Oh my—thank you so much! Thank you. I-when do I start?” You smiled widely, one hand on your phone while the other ran through your hair.

“Hopefully, as soon as possible, after filling out the paperwork needed. I’ll have my secretary email them to you, and we can work out a start date for you for your co-op and work something out with your university with graduation. If all things go well, we can offer you a full-time position after graduation”

“Yes! Thank you again!” You hung up the phone and threw it onto the bed. “Yes! Holy _shit,_ yes! I have to call my mom.” You dialed her as quickly as possible to share the news. She _screamed,_ most likely alarming the whole neighborhood. “Mom, _mom._ You’re going to see me soon, relax! Yeah, they’re paying for the hotel for the next few days, then I’ll stay with Oliver after until the firm works out for my living situation, but we can go visit him before you go back, yeah.” Your mother praised you some more, and eventually, you both bid each other a goodbye before you flopped onto the hotel bed, arms wide at either side. You breathed in deeply.

You wished you can say things were perfect right now, that everything was going your way, but you could still hear _something_ whispering in your ear telling you it’s not over, that no matter how far you run, you’re never going to be in the clear. It almost felt like he was still there, looming over your form, still in control. Light never called back after you hung up on him in the airport, and you’re pleasantly surprised he didn’t crash the plane and make every one die except for you. (Though, you spent the whole ride in a constant state of fear and nearly passed out every time the _ding_ for an announcement rang fearing it was a crash warning) Then, the taxi ride to your hotel, you feared he would make the taxi driver crash ( _somehow,_ even though he would have no idea who your driver is or what he looks like, _you never know._ ) Now, in your hotel room, it felt like his presence was no longer only present in your fear, but just _everywhere_ around you.

You could no longer stand by your previous argument. Obviously, there’s something that keeps Light Yagami around you, or, more specifically, you around Light Yagami. He made that plenty clear not too long ago. It was something more than just keeping up his façade, but what killed you is _what._ Just what in the _hell_ is keeping him on your ass? Was is even still there now that you're gone? There was nothing you can conjure up in your mind no matter how long you sat and let it stir in your brain for. Why can’t Misa just _replace_ you? What was there with you that lacked with her? She’s a _model, for God’s sake!_ She has the _Shinigami Eyes!_ What could be more useful than that? What was there about _you?_

It didn’t matter, you realized suddenly. You could sit and cry about what it could be, but, even if you did figure it out, what good would it do? What would it change? Would it change the sense of dread in your gut? The fact was, Light _hadn’t_ contacted you since, and, yeah, you can be optimistic and say he’s no longer interested, but you would just be filling yourself with lies. No, Light was _planning_ something, if he doesn’t have one already, and that was horrifying, because, being so far away, you had no sense of what he can be up to. You only had speculation, and your imagination was not being very friendly. When you thought about it, he didn’t know who your boss was, or where you were working, so there wasn’t anything he can tamper within your workplace; however, there was one thing he _did_ know: your family, _you._ For all you knew, now that you're gone, whatever kept you safe from him killing you could be gone as well. As well, he’s seen both your sister and mother and, frankly, there was nothing you can do about that here, except if you—.

No.

Is that what he wants? You do realize that, with L’s death, he has leeway with what he can do, and, if something were to happen to one of them, there would be less speculation that Light is to blame, _especially_ since the rest of the Task Force is convinced the two of you are Best _. Friends._ Therefore, the only way for you to ensure their and your safety is to contact _him,_ and then he gives you instructions on how to keep them safe whilst keeping him satisfied. _Or_ he suspects you to think this and expects you not to call. Either way, you’re putting something invaluable at risk. “Shit.”

You picked up your phone and considered and _considered,_ staring at the white screen with a pounding heart. If you called, what would you even say? _Hello, please don’t kill my family. Thanks!_ He may not even be thinking in that direction at all, but it was the worst case scenario, so you had to be thinking like that for everyone’s safety. Locking the device, you tossed it away from you and rolled over on the bed. “Fucking shit.”

By the time your sister and mother flew in with the rest of your belongings, the firm had set you up with a small apartment for the time being. It wasn’t at all cute or aesthetic with an amazing view of the surrounding area. In fact, one window portrayed the mossy brick wall of the neighboring building while the others were just the street, which was nothing to run home about either, but there was working plumbing, hot water, and no bugs, and there was nothing more you can ask for.

“Y/N, you have a lot of shit.”

“Physically or mentally?”

“I don’t want to know. Both, I’d guess. God, it makes me want to house hunt.” You sister looked around. “A place to myself.”

“You need to job hunt first, I think.” Rose rolled her eyes.

“I am, I _am,_ You sound like mom.” Her eyes glanced around, seemingly checking to see if anyone was around. “It’s the club.”

“Oh, your cult.” She shook her head, aggravated at the term.

“I’m not joking, Y/N. I want to be more respected in the club. I want to be _more._ ”

“Honestly, not now, Rose. I don’t want to hear it. I-I _can’t._ ” You stared at her earnestly. You couldn’t think about it anymore. You were _out_ of that life. You were teetering, and there couldn't be anything to push you right now.

“I need you to figure this out for me, Y/N—.”

“Hey, Y/N! We only brought one-ply toilet paper!” Your mother called from the hallway where the only bathroom of your space was. Continuing to stare down your sibling, you replied, smiling.

“Shit, that won’t be enough to wipe my ass!” You paused, that smile fading swiftly. “You were stupid to get involved. It’s whatever to believe in Kira, but this is fucking _too_ far. If you have _any_ problem relating to that cult, _I don’t want to hear it._ It was your choice. You’re an _adult_ , Rose. Why don’t you decide what’s _really_ important to you and figure out what you’re going to prioritize for the rest of your life, because I don’t have the time nor the capacity to figure it out _for_ you. Got it?” You ignored the knot in your stomach. 

“What the _fuck?_ You would always have helped me. That’s what family is for. What the hell happened to you?” You shook your head.

“Too fucking much.” You paused. "Don't mention it again."

Your brother drove in the following days, taking the three of you out into the city to the best spots. Oliver, being himself, made it easy to ignore your sister as much as possible, with his nonstop blabber about this and that and everything else in the universe. By the time you dropped your sister and mother off at the airport, you’d hardly acknowledged Rose besides for pleasantries and a swift goodbye.

“You going to tell me what’s going on with you and sister dear?” Your brother questioned you in the airport lobby.

“Nothing important.”

“Yeah, well that’s a lie. She told me. Kinda.” The palms of your hands twisted to face the ceiling while you scowled.

"What did she tell you?"

"Just that you won't help her with her Kira club. Nothing else." He mustn't know the full details of what the cult entails if he was this calm about it. 

“Then why did you ask me?”

“Just wanted to see if you’d tell me the truth. Not a Kira fan?”

“No, don’t really stan the guy.” You turned to exit the airport and into the brisk air. Your brother followed, hot on your heels.

“The guy?” You squinted in thought.

“Very interested in a concept you hated a while back, aren’t you? Yes, a guy. Not a God. Not some omnipotent force. A guy.” You reiterated, waiting for him to unlock his car before hopping into the passenger seat, him soon in the driver’s. He didn’t bring it up again. In fact, the car ride was silent the whole way. Oliver tried to initiate conversation, stating small comments about the weather or the state of the road, but you mostly shrugged it off until he got the message that you were in no mood to speak. It was nothing against him. Your mind had conjured up a crazy idea when your brother brought up Kira. You shrugged it off at first, thinking it crazy, but, now thinking back on it, maybe it was time. Maybe this was the move to make right now. Whatever you were doing now on your own, both here and back in Japan, weren’t working for your mental state. It’s been fucked with too much. No, no you had to do something different. Something unexpected. Something that’s too stupid for you to do that Light wouldn’t expect. _Get help._

You weren’t some stubborn girl anymore, unwilling to let your family catch on to your uneasiness. Maybe back in Japan in made sense, to keep it from them, when the problem was so close. You didn’t need them thinking anything, for your own sake mostly, but now that you’re so far away? Perhaps all those nice online posts about _talking to someone_ might come to use. You were all the way across the world now. He couldn’t touch you anymore, despite what your superstitious gut told you, but you didn’t think too much on it. You were accustomed to that gut feeling from back in Japan. It came naturally after dealing with Light for so long: the feeling that every move you made was predicted and being watched. That you had to think three steps ahead, then use reverse psychology to predict that he _knew_ you were thinking three steps ahead so you think _four_ steps ahead, but then he _knew_ you’d use reverse psychology so he thinks _five_ steps ahead and…

Yeah, no wonder you had problems.

Pensive, your eyes trailed to your brother’s form, one of his arms straight with the hand on the wheel, the other bent at the space under the window with his hand supporting his head. Oliver didn’t notice you scrutinizing him, thankfully, so he didn’t question your gaze as it lingered on him. You felt the familiar sense of fear in your stomach, the nerves jumping, screaming for you not to open your mouth. Your brain told them they were just instincts from when you were back there.

"Hey, Oliver.” You spoke. He looked to you.

“What’s up?”

“Um… you want to come over my place for a bit? Before going back home, I mean.” He furrowed his brows, then smiled.

“Not sick of me yet?” You scoffed.

“Hardly. No, I—uh—have some _stuff_ to tell you.” His smile fell.

“About that stuff with Rose?” You nodded.

“Something like that.”

Opening the door to your new place, still messy with boxes and odd trinkets lying around until you found a place to put them, you let Oliver walk in first. You shut the door and travelled to the kitchen. “You want tea or anything? I brought like… a million tea bags over. I’ll just have to find which box the kettle is in…” You muttered. Your older brother shook his head negative, clearing the couch of boxes and sat down, leaving space for you in the meantime. Nodding, you approached the couch, climbing over the arm to sit with your legs crossed under you on the far left cushion.

“So, what’d you need?” The feeling in your stomach came in. You pushed it down as best you could. Your brother is the person you trusted the most. Not your mother and her fragile, pacifist heart, and certainly not your sister, especially after recent events. You didn’t have too many people. The best person is someone far, far away from the equation. Your brother. “You look like you’re about to tell me something awful. You’re not…” his eye trailed to your stomach. Your arms flew to cover your waist.

“No! Oh my— _no._ I haven’t even kissed someone yet, Oliver, and you think I’d be knocked up?” You paused, smile falling. “Honestly, I think it might be worse.” His eyes widened, but his silence urged you on. “You… have to promise not to tell anyone. Not mom, not Rose, not your coworkers, not even your journal I know you still keep under your pillow. There can be no signs this conversation happened, and when you walk out of here, it cannot leave your brain. I’m so serious right now. If you let this leave your head, I’m dead, and so are you. There’s no doubt in my mind.” He nodded. “No, you have to verbally promise me. I’m putting all my trust and my life into you right now. It’s so, so vital.”

“Jesus, Y/N. What is it?”

“ _Just_ promise me.” You pleaded. “Swear on gramp’s life.”

“I promise, Y/N. I swear. No joking.” His voice dropped to a serious tone. “On my life and gramps, I swear.”

“So, a while back, Rose—the big Kira supporter she is—joined a _club_ that worships Kira—,”

“I could have—.”

“Please don’t interrupt. I know you know, but these are cults, and they're not pretty.” He nodded. “In college she joined, and, while here, she told me she’s trying to become an officer of sorts, to this _club,_ and it’s interfering with her getting a job. She didn’t give me details, because frankly I don’t want any and can't handle any right now, but it’s not good. I know what some of those _clubs_ do. It’s a religion, and it’s not safe. I’m worried.” You paused. “But I think I might have a solution. To help her.”

“What is it?” You swallowed and looked away from him, unable to meet his honest gaze. It was too honest, too pure, and it only reminded you how sick and dirty you were. How you could have prevented countless deaths. How you could have avoided being in this position. How you could have saved your sister from this path. How you could have done _so much_ but you did _nothing._ You wimped. You ran away and let chaos ensue with full knowledge of its source. How you became the real monster here. You broke out into a sob, hand tightly covering your mouth to silence it as best you could. Oliver jumped, rushing to you and placing his hands on your shoulders. You shook your head adamantly, wiping your tears violently with your fist. “Y/N, come on. Talk to me. Please. I’m here.” Your breathing went escalated. “Y/N, Y/N. Are you having a—.” You shook your head no, but you weren’t sure how honest you were.

You threw yourself on your feet and began to walk to cool yourself down enough to speak.

“I-I’m fine.” You heaved out. Bending over, you breathed deeply into your nose and out through your mouth. Oliver watched, painfully worrying, from the couch. “I need to say this. I-I have to. I don’t know what to do anymore, Oliver. I-I don’t. I thought getting away—I was so strong. Back in Japan, I thought my fear was gone. After crying and not sleeping day and night when the stupid sunflower—I thought I was okay. I thought I can get out of this. That everything was going to be okay. That everyone would be _safe._ That I can accept this and move on. That I’d do my penance, which is what _this_ must be, but it’s awful, Oliver. I can’t carry this by myself anymore. I can’t. I told him off before I left, like I was so strong. I’ve _never been strong._ If I were, I could have prevented… Oh my God, I could have prevented… When she told me about wanting more from the cult, I knew I can never get away. It follows me. It _does._ I can never be that strong person. God, I’m so afraid. Now that L is… anything can happen. _Anything._ I’ll always revert to this helpless, desperate state. _He knows that._ He knows I fake it. He knows I disillusion myself and fake things but never make things. _He knows._

“I had the gut feeling in the hotel. On the plane. In the taxi. It follows me, like a demon. It’s my penance, and I can’t go back, but I can’t live doing it alone, and I don’t want to put this burden on you Oliver, I really don't, but you’re so much stronger than me. You’re the only one I can trust. You’re the only one who could know what to do. Maybe make sense of it all. Or you’ll choose to ignore me forever, after you find out what _I_ could have stopped so long ago. Maybe that’s my penance. You treating me like mankind needs to treat me. For not doing anything. What I deserve. Fuck, how did it come to this?” You were sitting on the ground then, back against the wall. Your head was leaned back. Your face angled towards the ceiling. Your brother sat next to you, speechless the whole time until now.

“Y/N, what is going on? What is this stuff about L and penance…?” You rolled your head along the wall to look at him, face aching from the intense tears. “You can tell me. You always could have.” You shook your head, letting it now fall between your arms that were being held up by your bent knees.

“I couldn’t have,” you whispered hoarsely. “You would have been killed, or something would have happened. To me, maybe. I couldn’t. I wouldn’t. I’m weak, Oliver. Or I have weaknesses. And there’s someone out there that knows them all. Plays them like a fiddle, and there’s nothing I can do about it.” You paused. “I might be dead soon.” Oliver was taken aback, face dropping with shock and fear.

“W-what?” You nodded, hiccuping. 

“It’s not likely, but I don’t know anymore. He could have killed me a long time ago, but never did. I don’t know if there’s something there that stops him. I don’t know if it’s gone because I’m here now. Maybe he knows I’ll spill like this, or maybe he has no idea. I’d guess the former. All I know is that… I don’t. I’m telling you this because, if I die, I want someone to know. Someone who makes this right if I can’t. I can’t predict it anymore. Now that he’s dead...” You trailed off. "No one is safe." You whispered.

“Y/N, you better tell me what’s going on right now.” You went back to leaning your head back against the wall, staring at the ceiling. “I’m begging you.” You didn’t meet his gaze. At this moment, there was nothing you can describe yourself as other than numb. Everything you felt a few minutes ago disappeared and left you with nothing. “Y/N, _please._ ” Your eyes remained trained on the ceiling tile. You smiled wryly.

“This went a lot better in my head back in the car.”

“Stop avoiding it and just say it, Y/N! You’re scaring me.”

“Well, I’m terrified, so it makes sense.” You laughed again. “It’s funny. I’m not sure if I’m more scared of him, or the truth that comes along with him. Everyone knew. Takao. Ryuk. Everybody. I guess I am good at lying to myself.”

“Just say it.” You let out a sigh, and once again rolled your head to look your brother dead in the eye.

“I know who Kira is.” You paused, the world around you seemingly going silent. “And I’m in love with him.”


	21. Deserve

"Excuse me?” You let out a pitiful laugh, breaking your gaze with him and looking forward once more. “You’re joking.” You shook your head. “You’re fucking with me. You think this shit is funny? This is fucked up, Y/N. Seriously, fucked.” Oliver was on his feet, hands behind his head to calm down his erratic breathing. You didn’t react, remaining still on the ground.

“Are you done?” You asked him, calmly. He had his tongue stuck up in front of his top teeth, clearly enraged. You sighed.

“What the hell do you expect? You expect me to believe that you know who Kira is, number one, and, number two, you’re fucking in love with them? That’s fucked, Y/N. That’s… I don’t even know. I don’t even know.” You cleared your throat.

“So, you think that act I just put on was fake? To get you to laugh or something?” You tilted your head. “You really think I’d do that, or is it you just can’t believe me because it just sounds impossible?” You continued to speak calmly, not having the energy to meet his. “I’d react the same way, though. If someone told me what I just told you.” You scoffed. “Why do you think I’m here? I’m running, Oliver. I’m here because I’m a coward, and I need someone to know. I need to be treated how I deserve.” He continued to shake his head in constant denial.

“You want to fucking play victim here, is what you want to do. Pathetic. Fuck you, Y/N. Even if it is fucking true, how the hell do you expect me to react? Huh? How can you know who Kira is? How can you love a serial killer? Huh? Just… fuck you, Y/N, for throwing this shit on me. Thinking that’s fair to anyone.” You remained still, numb.

“Is the only way you’ll believe is if I die?” You asked. He stopped his moments and looked at you, challenging you to go on. You did. “Do you want me to die? Is that it? Am I such a monster that you will disown me now? Am I worse than our Kira-worshipping sister dear?” You smiled wryly. “You’re free to ask questions. I’ll answer with my truth. Everything, but if you want to walk out those doors and never come back, that’s fine. You know now, and it’s going to haunt you like it does me. Every minute you’ll blink, and in that moment where the world is black, this is all you’ll see. All you’ll think about is how your one sister is a hopeless Kira-lover, and the other is a purposeful Kira-lover. Ask your questions or leave and don’t.”

“Who?” He asked almost as soon as you finished your statement. You grinned. Clicking your tongue, you replied.

“Light Yagami.”

“How?”

“How what? How did he become Kira? How does he kill? How do I know? You have to be specific.” He opened his mouth to reply, but chose to let his words die, throwing his hands out as if saying ‘forget it.’ You watched him try to collect himself. It was odd, you thought, watching someone go through what you must have for the longest of times. “You’ll never get over knowing it. I’ve tried everything: crying, puking, accepting, fighting, absolving, praying. Nothing works. Then all of a sudden, you’re me. When everything fails, it comes to this.” You laughed pathetically. “I’m sorry I did this to you.” He didn’t reply to the ramblings of a madman.

“You haven’t tried reporting it.” He added. You didn’t reply. “How long have you known?” You hummed in thought.

“Beginning of freshman year of college, though he received his means of killing in our last year of high school. You just had to forget the milk and eggs, huh?” 

“And that whole time you could have stopped it? That whole time you could have saved countless lives, but instead you fucking awed at him like some fangirl at a concert. Did you even try to convince him to stop? Change his mind early?” He shook his head.

“I don’t how it happened.” You whispered, more to yourself. “The saddest part is that I know it’s all fake. The false care, the mock concern, they all mask over the threats he looms over my head. Rosy retrospection, I guess. The party, maybe. The most manipulative point. The phone calls on the nights I would lose my chill about everything. Lull me to sleep. Or when his memory was gone, and it was him again, not that I knew him much before Kira. There was something there I couldn’t miss. Maybe it was the power he holds.

“It’s tantalizing, and, when his memory came back, his brains, his cunning, and his draw to me came back, I couldn’t help myself. Without his memory, I was just… me, a no one. With them, I was more. Something, for some reason, he wanted but couldn’t have. Felt important, which is how he got me around his finger. From there, it’s denial. If I act the opposite way, no one will know, including me, but deep down, it was there. It’s why he is out and free now, and not on death row. I realized it, but every time I said ‘I hate you, Light. Fuck you, Light Yagami. I hate him,’ It had to be the opposite. It had to be something, but no one could know. Especially with his girlfriend around. Self-preservation. The Second Kira. Misa. Misa.” You spoke her name in a sing-song voice. “She’d give me a painful death, I think. Very protective.” You paused. “Perhaps, what I deserve.”

“Y/N.” Oliver stopped you. “Why? Why are you telling me this? What’s your goal here? You think I’m a miracle, going to give you all the answers and solve everything? Think I’m going to believe you and keep on living my life normally, after this? Whatever this shit is? You’re selfish in telling me this. You’re selfish in all of this. When Rose told me you’ve been different recently, I didn’t believe her. You’re good, I said. Y/N is the good one. Sensible. Smart.” He paused. “You told me you have a solution to her club problem. Does that have any relation to this?” You shrugged.

“And if it does?”

“Then you’re going to stay the hell away from her and mom. They don’t deserve this. Even if Rose does worship him, it’s nothing compared to you and the animosity and disgust I feel right now. I don’t care what you do. Cut them off. Tell them something to keep them away from you. I don’t care. They don’t know about this, and you never involve them in this. Do you hear me, Y/N?” Your eyes dragged upwards to meet his, alight with rage. You laughed.

“You think they’re not already? Involved, I mean. All Light needs is a name, a face, and a reason. One google search and your company profile comes up. One and two. Me. That’s three. He’s met mom and Rose already. Been in our house. One and two. Me. There’s three again. I don’t know what he is going to do next. What his goal is. I can’t protect you guys anymore.” He grimaced.

“Protect us? Is that what you’ve been doing? If you gave a shit about us, then Light would be dead. But it’s evident you care more about him than your own family. You left us all left for dead with him, you goddamned psycho. You goddamned—.” He took a deep breath in. “I can’t believe this. I can’t believe this.” He repeated under his breath. Once again, he looked up to meet your gaze, or at least tried to. “You’re joking. Please tell me you’re joking. It really can’t be possible, and, if it was, you can’t be in love with him. It has to be sick, something else you’re confusing with love. Fear. Hate. Something.” You shrugged.

“What else can it be? Why else would I protect him this long? Anything else scares me—.”

“It scares you because you realize that it’s your fault. Anything else that’s not I love him, means that it’s you. You willingly allowed this to happen. You willingly protected him. You took away countless lives, countless people from their families. You might as well have just slit their throats yourself. So sure, you’re in love with all of his charming qualities. You’re weak.” He looked down on you like one would look down on a spider in their living room. Nothing but pure, unadulterated abhorrence. You nodded, beginning to cry again. “No, don’t even cry. You don’t deserve it. You don’t. You—Jesus.” He couldn’t bring himself to continue or conjure any more hateful words. Silently, you listened to his footsteps approach the door and gently shut the door.

You didn’t stay on the floor for long. You, honestly, didn’t expect anything else from him, except maybe he’d hit you, like a proper older brother. You thought for a second or so that he’d call the cops, but you knew that it wouldn’t do much. Calling the cops in America to say that my sister knows who Kira is with no evidence seems to be a useless thing to do. However, what you didn’t expect was your flow of truth.

It was supposed to be simple, plain, ending with him leaving and cutting you off, yet the words kept flowing, like vomit after a drunk night. It hurt, and you guess you couldn’t blame yourself for it. It just kind of… burst, and you guess it was due time. In the end, no matter how much you pretend you’re smarter, stronger, and more confident than Light, than you really are, you never can escape that all that shit, no matter how fake or real it was, it was because of him. Everything was. Good and bad, and that was shit. Specifically, your shit reality. Your life was made for this, for it to all come to this. For you to be alone. For everyone you love to hate you. It was going to happen no matter what. You’re just speeding up the process, because you didn’t deserve happily ever after. You didn’t deserve a normal life after that, and no one deserved the burden of having you in their lives. You deserved to be miserable and alone.

And there was only one other person who you could say the same for, but there was… there was no way.

Your father was dead to you. Despite you being the lowest of the low, he was subterranean. Last you saw him were in the nightmares you used to get, and he was dead at your feet. You supposed you can consider him dead in real life too. It didn’t matter how you phrased it. The only way you would ever see him again is if he somehow found you, but you were far too young to know if he had the power to do so or not by the time you left. You hoped he really was dead. All the crime and connections catching up to him, bringing him to jail, or the grave, hopefully, but it was unlikely. Even if he showed up at your door, someway, somehow, there was no way you were going to acknowledge him unless physically forced… which might be something to worry about, if he’s expecting you to not be so welcoming. He would too, expect you to not be so hospitable, you meant. Your father was no fool, which is why you suspected he was still alive, although you hoped otherwise. It would only be a matter of time before he reached out.

So, until the devil himself presented himself to you, or the demon of the east retightened your collar, you would remain here living out whatever life you had. Alone.

Because that’s what you deserve, isn’t it?


	22. The Thirteenth Floor

You were beginning to appreciate green tea. Not because of the taste, because you _loathed_ tea. It reminded you too much of Japan. Supposedly, according to those middle-aged white women online, green tea quickens your metabolism, and, _boy,_ you needed it these days. You weren’t the young sprout in college anymore that could eat anything you want without the repercussions. Four years was a _long_ time, and you were beginning to grow, in more ways than one. Standing in front of the body-length mirror in your apartment hallway, you were clad in t-shirt and sweatpants. Lifting up the shirt, you examined your stomach. (after sucking it in, of course) Nope. You pulled the fabric down quickly, retreating through the living room area to the kitchen to have supper.

It was a silent four years since your brother berated you on this very wooden floor. Not even your pacifist mother, who preached forgiveness and acceptance like a priest, reached out once. Of course, you did not attempt to connect either. They were better off. You made sure they were alive, though. Your sister hadn’t blocked you on social media, so her updates kept you sane. Apparently, whatever your brother had told them, it was enough for them to ignore your very existence.

Your _other_ problem from Japan… he hadn’t tried anything either, which frightened you more for the longest time, but it’s been _four_ years now. If he was going to do something, he would have done it already. He must have decided you weren’t worth it, or perhaps he finally reciprocated Misa’s intense feelings. Maybe he had a change of heart and realized he’s done enough for you. However idealistic it sounded, it didn’t matter. He was out of your life.

Still, it didn’t help that you were reminded _every single day_ of his hard work. No matter how much you avoided the news, the internet, the general public, and any other sort of access to the modern world, Kira was always there. Your co-workers, who no longer go out of their way to invite you out for drinks or nights on the town, know _at least_ to not speak of him around you. They’d asked you about your opinion on one of your first days. In wake of your near-breakdown at the question, you’d told them someone close to you was taken by Kira. They never asked again. Of course, it wasn’t too long after you overheard them saying you were “closed-off” and “hard to reach out to,” so it wasn’t like they tried very hard to connect in the first place. That or your social skills are _that_ underdeveloped that you gave off that impression within your first two weeks at work. So much so, in fact, that the person in charge of keeping the work website updated with staff hadn’t even put you on the website yet.

And you’ve been there four years now.

You weren’t very acquainted with your neighbors either. You knew them well enough to greet them in passing, but you don’t even have their phone numbers, and you’re certainly never invited to the birthday parties.

You couldn’t complain, though. Years ago, there was a time you believed you wouldn’t even be alive by now, much less at some sort of peace. Hell, by the time you left Japan, you hadn’t expected _any_ kind of tranquility to grace your life again. _This_ was heavenly in comparison.

You didn’t take it for granted. Not a day went by that you didn’t think that _today is the day this peace ends, and I’m thrown into hell._ It could be any minute that you pick up your work or cell phone with the _wrong_ number on the other side because you blocked the original one, or the number is someone telling you that someone or some people are dead. Of course, four years has dwindled this constant fear, and, by now, it was only background noise that you’ve grown accustomed to.

Plus, you know how life likes to play with you like its little anxious, messed-up Barbie doll that is not nearly as pretty or skinny as a real one. You were the old, dirty doll with no limbs that gets thrown in the mud while the others remained pristine because every kid has that _one_ doll. Right now, you were only forgotten. It was either you would be forgotten until the end of your days, or you’re found and thrown back into hell.

Of course, it was you, after all. The latter was bound to happen. You just wouldn’t have expected _today_ to be the day.

It was Saturday, and you were reheating your leftovers from yesterday for dinner. The TV was playing reruns of some show set in Scranton, Pennsylvania, to which you tend to loan your last brain cells to on the weekends. You had just cleaned, too, so the granite on the cabinets and the wooden floors reflected the overhead lights of your place. You had spent a lot of time, and money, decorating the place until you felt like a proper young adult. Or, at least, as much as a proper young adult that _you_ could feel like, considering.

Occasionally, someone would knock on your door. Someone who accidentally picked up your mail because it was in their box or a neighbor who needs to borrow some brown sugar or something. So, you didn’t bother to check who was on the other side until you had fully opened the door. A man, head to toe in a suit, with a single envelope in his hands folded across his mid-section, stood there gazing down at you through his glasses.

"Y/N L/N.”

“Who’s asking?”

“I’m not asking.” He roughly extended his arm to push the envelope into your hands. “Word from the boss.” Your heart may or may not have stopped beating and disconnected from your veins and dropped to your stomach.

“A-and who’s your boss?” You dared to look him in the eyes.

“Don’t ask questions you already know the answer to, Y/N. No time like the present to stop acting dumb.” He left on those words. Your feet stayed planted to the floor for the next minute. Your fingers numbly held the envelope until you snapped out of it and shut the door, locking it. You hurried to your kitchen counter, the microwave beeping, and set the envelope down. You stopped the infuriating beeping and shut off the TV, so all there was to hear is cars and the occasional car horn from down below as it was only you on the envelope with _Y/N_ scrawled on there in chicken-scratch handwriting. 

Your fear did not overcome your curiosity and you tore the envelope open to find a hand-written letter of the same style that your name was in.

_Y/N,_

_I could imagine I am, most likely, given current circumstances, the last person that you would like to hear from, but more circumstances have arrived through my office that I would not want you to be ignorant of, given your circumstances. You are more than welcome to ignore, shred, and forget this message, but it would not be my proper duty as your father to go on without you knowing. I will be in your city for the following weeks. The address is included on the back of this note. Please come at your earliest convenience, if you so wish._

_Love,_

_Damien L/N._

_P.S. I know._

You… just didn’t know. Were you angry or scared? What _exactly_ did he know? How _exactly_ was he alive? How _exactly_ did he have an office that information has gone through? How did he even find you? Know you were back in the country? What was he up to? Do you have the balls to see him yet? It was really too much. You honestly expected _Light_ to reach out before he did. A part of you would have preferred if he were the one to send you a _letter._

It was sad, really, how used to things like this you were. That trapped, inescapable feeling of dread and fear always came to you someway, somehow. You were becoming numb to it. When you imagined getting a word, direct word, from your father, you imagined tears, panic, and, essentially, everything you experienced with Light. Now, it was just _anger._ Why _now,_ and just… _why?_

For the next week, you considered not going. You considered throwing the whole thing away and never looking back, but something always kept the letter on your drawer in the living room. Perhaps it was the curiosity that stemmed from your CIA grandfather your mother used to talk about, so you decided, instead of dwelling and thinking nonstop about it, you would confront the problem directly.

Wednesday night, you decided you would drive down to the address. You didn’t know what you expected, but it certainly wasn’t to pull up to one of the nicest ass hotels in the entire city. The lobby was grandiose, and you figured maybe this is what the Hilton looks like. It was quiet, mind the knocking of footsteps on the floors in the distance. You had spotted a man in similar attire to the man that approached the door, and two women as you checked the room number and entered the elevator on the way to the thirteenth floor on your way to the room.

Of course, it was the presidential sized suit you ended up in front of. There was no suited men or women in the hall. You did notice the camera hanging in the corner of the hallway, though, and you wondered if someone was watching you through the lens. Heart beginning to palpitate, you knocked one, two, three times on the wood before quickly setting your hand back down.

You expected security to answer the door, armed and interrogative of your presence, but instead, it was just… your dad, far more grey and bigger than when you were young, but he was just… there. He stood in shirt and sweats, coffee in his hands and a smile on his face like it’s been months since you’ve seen him instead of more than a decade like he wasn’t a criminal a decade ago. You wanted to be angry at him. To yell, To _scream._ To have your anger that boiled inside you when you initially got the letter to explode in his face. None of that happened. Instead, you just… stood there. You wanted to cry, but you never could in front of him.

He never had hugged you or done anything to comfort you when you were young. He didn’t let you bring friends home nor let you go to their homes, but he still told you he loved you, and love meant he wanted was best for you, which was to develop strong and mentally and emotionally tough. Therefore, if you cried, you were punished. Well, you know how well _that_ turned out, huh?

“Dad.” You said.

“Come in.” Like the room is named, the space was unimaginably big and spotless. There were no visible guards or cameras in the space. “How have you been? How’s your mother? Your sister?” You watched him meticulously as he sat on the large leather couch and motioned for you to sit as well.

“Not my brother?”

“We’ve been in contact recently.”

“Have you?” You leaned against the back of the parallel couch to the one he was one, hands gripping the top of the cushion. "Why am I here?"

“It’s been how many years, Y/N? Aren’t you curious? Why rush into things when we’re just reuniting? I’ve heard many things about you.” You hummed.

“It seems that you already know how I’ve been, and I would guess you know how mom and Rose are as well, doing whatever you’re doing.” You sounded far more malicious than you intended.

“I quit that industry soon after you left with your mother, but my connections just… happened to stay. I handle, information, in a way. Government, economic, political scandals. It all comes through my desk both on a national and international scale. I help cover it up or expose it to the world, and people owe me for it.” You furrowed your brows.

“So this… highly confidential information, what does it have to do with me? Last I checked, I’m pretty clean.” He looked expectantly at you but allowed you to play the innocent act nonetheless.

“I’m sure. Well, it wasn’t any government official or agent that slipped this through my door. I did say I have been in contact with your brother. Well, I should say, he’s been in contact with me.” There was an inkling in the back of your mind that you knew what this was about, but you shook it off quickly. Would Oliver really…?

Your father rose from his seat and sauntered over to the desk nearby. He pulled open the topmost drawer and reached in to pull out a thick pile of envelopes. Closing the drawer, he approached the couch you still stood behind and tossed the stack onto the cushions in front of you. The top one had meant to be delivered to you from a Japanese address. Holding your breath, you leaned down and scattered the pile a bit to find every envelope was to the same address from the same address.

“You’ve been intercepting my mail from mom?” You exclaim, circling the couch in urgency and sorting through the pile for the earliest and latest dates. Last week was the latest letter.

“She never stopped sending ‘em, even though you never answered one, for four years.” You wanted to cry, you did, but your father’s gaze kept you grounded, and that melancholy shifted into aggravation.

“You kept them from me? Why—,” you stopped. You knew why. “Oliver.” You almost growled it out. “Oliver came to you, didn’t he? Is that what this is about? Did he—Jesus Christ.” You cursed. You set your hands on your hips, breathing heavily through your nose. You glanced around the room before locking eyes with a pair that matched your own. “He told you? He _told you?_ How the _fuck_ did he know where you were? Honestly, nevermind. I don’t care. It doesn’t matter. What _exactly_ did he tell you?”

You didn’t know exactly what you were feeling right now. Thinking back, you didn’t _know_ what Oliver was going to do with that information. You _certainly_ didn’t think he’d bring it to your _father._ Your hand rubbed your chin and you paced away from where the man stood. “What did he tell you?” You repeated.

“Sometimes, I forget how smart my children are. When my men came to me telling me a man named Oliver L/N had been inquiring about me to the _right_ people, I thought someone had dug up my past and was using him as a hostage to use against me at first. He didn’t tell me how he managed to find me out and said he wishes he were here to kill me, and that he would never have sought me out if he didn’t have to. You could imagine my surprise when I asked him what the problem was, and he said you. ‘What could Y/N have done?’ My first thought was protection. You, unsurprisingly, got yourself into some trouble, and Oliver decided you needed my help. Well, I was dead wrong.” You rolled your eyes.

“Stop with the storytelling, because I wish I were here to kill you too after what you did to mom, to _me._ What did he say?” Your father clicked his tongue and sat back down on the couch.

“Don’t be so impatient, my dear! You just got here. Humor an old man, would you?”

“No. Get to the point. Why do you have those letters? Did Oliver tell you to intercept them? _Why?”_ He shook his head.

“Do you think I summoned you here to _now_ all of a sudden let you know about these? Don’t be so dull, Y/N. If things hadn’t crossed my desk, you’d still be doing what you normally do—nothing, but I’m being the good guy here, if there is one, in your predicament.” He motioned towards the couch where the letters still lay. “So, please sit.” Reluctantly, you sat on the right-most cushion and wordlessly stared at him, silently urging him to continue. “Your brother told me that you had gotten mixed up with the wrong people, and it was too late for you, but you had put the family in danger. He knew I was the best person to ensure their safety.

“Obviously, I needed more information than that. _Who_ had you gotten mixed up with? It had to be some gang that I already know of, and, if I can eliminate the problem indirectly, I would. He shook his head and said it wasn’t an enemy I could face, but still didn’t name them. He continued on to tell me to completely cut off any contact that could be reached by you or them in any way possible: letters, internet, etcetera etcetera. I told him I had to know who, and I _guaranteed_ him that I could just eliminate them. How I approach the problem depends on who or what the problem is. Oliver was hesitant, _scared_ to even tell me, and when one name fell through his lips, I _laughed._

“Who wouldn’t, though? I mean, what are the chances you knew who Kira was and affiliated with him? I have done many, many bad things, but you can’t imagine what I was thinking to know you surpassed them without my help. He wouldn’t tell me any more of your… relationship, with them, no matter how much I asked or offered. I told him I would do what he asked, but only if he told me if you told him the name behind Kira. If he did, I’d make sure nothing between you and the family ever happened again. I wouldn’t tell the police or the government. It would remain with me to my grave.” You swallowed, hand gripping the arm of the couch.

“Here we are, then, and here these are,” your hand reached for the letters, “so I can guess what happened from here.” He chuckled.

“Light Yagami. His father’s name had come across my desk in the past when I was looking into where you lot had run off too when your mother took you away from my custody all those years ago. Graduated first in your high school, with you not so far behind. Class rep. Tennis champion. Highest grades in nearly all of Japan. A perfect son. A perfect brother. A perfect student. Except, not so much?”

“It’s been four years. We no longer associate.”

“I know. No attempt to reach out from either person from what I know.” He paused. “However, I did some personal digging. What the nature of your relationship was. That sort of thing. Things you can’t find out unless you ask the person themselves. People seemed to believe you were dating, or that you had a “thing,” but nothing was ever proven. If I may ask…”

“Nothing,” you deadpanned. “There was nothing between us but misfortune and bad timing on my part.” Your father was not convinced, and even slightly confused.

“Then why didn’t you leave?” You laughed.

“I’ve asked myself that question for years, but I’ll never find an answer. Thought I did the last time I saw Oliver four years ago, but he said something, and he was right about it. It was just an excuse. Light made me feel like… someone. Important. Made me feel like I was something worth chasing. Worth desiring. Worth wanting. It gave me confidence, power. Something I—,” You derailed your train of thought. “It’s not your business. The past is the past, and if you _summoned_ me to just bring it up then—.”

“It’s not about your past. It’s about your future. I wouldn’t want to live on with me knowing something that you don’t, something that, in the future, if I didn’t tell you, you could have stopped. Or, at least, if you don’t do anything, at least I don’t live with the guilt.” You scoffed.

“Guilt? Do you even have that?” It was his turn to laugh.

“The only pain I have to live with is losing your mother, and I don’t want you to go through the same as I did.” He spoke as if he didn’t do it to himself. That your mom knew that life was too dangerous for her and left, and eventually broke custody rules and took you too. You decided to not speak your mind only due to the desire to leave this room after he told you whatever he wanted to. “After I heard of your affiliation with Kira, I decided to begin to involve myself into what was going on with his case. After L’s death, there has been no progress.” He knew L had died? You shook your head. Of course, he did. Information was now his job. “Except, now there’s word of more of them.”

“Hah?” It was an ugly noise that came from your mouth. “What do you mean there’s more?” He crossed his legs.

“M and N, to be precise. A pseudo-orphanage to take in and develop people, kids, like L. One’s beginning to work with Americans to take down Kira. Word is, the two hate each other, and my guess is they’ll each take a different approach in taking down Kira. I don’t know if they’re smarter than L, or anything else. Took me over five favors to get this information.” You shook your head, getting onto your feet.

“Oh, nononono. You are _not_ getting me back into this mess. If I get myself involved, _I’m_ going to be the one incarcerated or dead, and I don’t _care!_ Light is a goddamned serial killer! He deserves to rot in hell! Let them get him!” You exclaimed, linking your hands behind your head to try to calm yourself down. Your father remained still.

“You don’t have to lie to me, Y/N. I was still a criminal when your mother and I met. She knew.”

"Don’t—.”

“She didn’t leave because I was a criminal. She left because she _was one too._ I told her I can handle it, but she was too scared with you three, and she left with the deal that I would get custody of you. She was young, desperate, and agreed. Fled the state at first, then, when she came and grabbed you, fled across the world. I told her I can handle it, and I did. She’s known in no records, no books, nothing online, but she would never come back to me.” His eyes met yours imploringly. “By my speculation, Light Yagami had a good chance against one, but two? I don’t know how much faith you put in him, but he’s not going to come out of this one unscathed.” He paused. “You can leave. You can go back to your apartment and live your life convincing yourself you’re a nobody and desolating yourself until you’re lowered into your grave alone, but you just have to look me in the eyes and tell me that you don’t care if he dies, because you know he’s not even gonna get the chance to go to jail, and if he does? I’m pretty sure the prisoners in there got their own feelings for him anyway.” You shook your head. “All you have to do is tell me, not even show me, and you can go.”

You didn’t know what he meant when he said “you can go” until you approached the door and found it locked, or barricaded, from the other side.

“Why do you care?” You asked. “Why does it matter to you? Four years is a long time, and, as you said, he hasn’t reached out. It seems I’m as done with him as he’s done with me. Even if I were to listen to you, which has a zero percent chance of happening, who’s to say he won’t just forget I ever existed? It’s not happening. Unless… Jesus Christ. Don’t tell me you want his power or something? That was this about?” You took three steps toward him. He hesitated. You caught him, throwing your hands in the air. “Of-fucking-course. Do you know how many people used me or wanted to use me to get to Light Yagami? To Kira now? Jesus, too many. Now, my father comes back out of the blue and wants the same thing, making excuses that _mom was a criminal too_ to make me feel bad. Well, let me tell you something.” You paused and looked him dead in the eye.

"I do not care about Light Yagami, and I don’t care if he dies tomorrow. I bet you thought that distance would make my heart grow _fonder._ Well, out of sight, out of mind is far more accurate. All I’ve seen for years is his work, not his face, not his anything else. That part of my life is over, and if I’m going to be miserable, then so be it. It’s the least of what I deserve. Now, let me out. I’m not listening to your game anymore.” Your father seemed to consider you and grinned when he finished his train of thoughts.

“Now, I really do forget how sharp you lot are. My mistake for putting all my money in one corral. You know I can’t really make you do anything, but I can certainly make sure you have no other option but to do as I want. One way or another, you’re going to be back there.” You scoffed.

“Let me out.” Sighing, he motioned to the door, and a few moments after it clicked open.

“I’m giving you one last chance to go willingly.” Turning your head to look at him one last time, your face remained stoic as you replied.

“Fuck off.” 

It’s been two weeks since your encounter with your father, and everything was going the same as it always has been, mind talks around the office of a new job promotion. Word was it was an _extreme_ pay raise, but the boss revealed no more details, no required training or prerequisites. This week was the _week_ whoever earned it would find out. A pay raise sounded delightful, but, at the same time, the fact there were no interviews, or any other details were suspicious. What was the new job? What would be the new tasks? You had no idea.

So, when your boss called you into the office that morning, you were itching with excitement and nerves.

“So, you must have heard word of the new promotion around the office, yes?” You nodded your head. “Well, congratulations, Ms. L/N!” He laughed. “I’ve selected you based on your work ethic and drive in your years here.” You furrowed your eyebrows.

“What exactly was the selection process? With all due respect.”

“My supervisors relayed to me an open position, and it was my decision on how to proceed in picking them. I figured, when word got out, I would see who’s work would most improve, and yours didn’t at all.”

“I’m sorry. I’m not following.” He shook his head.

“That means no one’s been performing to their full potential this whole time, except you, since your jobs and numbers have always been consistently high and remained so for the past couple of weeks. Does that make sense?” Sort of, but you nodded like you understood anyway.

“What is the promotion anyway? No one knew the details.”

“Well, the pay raise amount was correct, and essentially is the same job you have been doing, but it is a location move. To Japan.” You nearly choked on the air you were breathing. “Is there a problem?”

“Besides a move across the _damn_ world, no, _not at all.”_ You stood up. “I’m sorry, sir, but I can’t take this job.” He furrowed his brows.

“But you lived there a majority of your life, speak the language. I don’t see the problem? Isn’t your family there?” You shook your head.

“I cannot take this job. Please give it to the next person in line.” You began to head to the door.

“A moment, Y/N.” You stopped only because he was your boss. “You have to take this job. We’ve already found your replacement.” You turned _right_ back around, storming to stand in front of his desk.

“You can’t do that. That’s so stupid. You can’t fill in a position that isn’t even empty yet unless you know the person has accepted and left the position. You can’t do that to me.” He shrugged.

“I’m sorry, Y/N. There’s nothing I can do.” Everything seemed fishy about the situation. “You take it, or you lose your job.”

“Then I quit.”

Packing your desk was uneventful, and, though you were interrogated left and right by your colleagues who all of a sudden cared about you, it was a rather quick hour until you put your car in park, stormed up the stairs with two boxes full in your arms covering most of your face, and entered your apartment _angry._ You were damn good at your job and had a damn good resume. You can get a job anywhere, right?

Wrong, apparently.

It’s been nearly a month without a paycheck and, you’ve been fine, luckily, but things were starting to show, especially in your bank account. You’ve applied to nearly twenty firms across the country, but all of them called or emailed back far too quickly declining you. It was _crazy,_ especially considering that your old boss had emailed you saying the job was ready to take at any time. It was almost like there was someone pulling the strings, so your only option was to take the job.

Someone like your father.

You weren’t dumb. He had to have something to do with this, but he’s long since disappeared from the radar. You tried to ask Oliver how he found him, but, well, you knew how your brother felt about you, so that was a dead end.

Two more weeks past and you were beginning to panic. More rejections, no money, more anxiety. God, why did you have to be you? Why did God hate you? You didn’t want to go back. You considered running, but you’re an adult now. You needed money. You needed a job, and, someway, somehow, your dad was blocking all of these options and leaving only one door to take. Because of _Kira._ Jesus _Christ._

A week later, you finally walked back into your work and went to your boss’s office, accepting your “new position.” Accepting the money going to come in. Accepting your fate. Accepting that there was no escape from your life. Accepting that no matter how far you ran, he would catch you, no matter how long it took. 

Luckily, no one asked why you were choking on your sobs for the whole flight.


	23. The Devil is Hungry

The area of Japan is approximately 145,936 mi² and hosts around 130 million people, but, for some reason, you thought anytime you left your new apartment, Light would be walking down the street or _something_ because that was just your life. You were scared to leave your place, scared of being on the subway to go to work and back, scared of grocery shopping, and sometimes, even in your own home, you checked dark corners.

The first correspondence from your father came a week after you settled in. He would feed you anything his people found out as long as you would do the same. If you chose not to, he wouldn’t do anything per se, but you wouldn’t have the upper hand anymore, he claimed. You _never_ had the upper hand, and you most likely never will, so it’s not like it was something you weren’t accustomed to. As well, if you decided suddenly that you do need his help, and you send any information, he’ll try to uncover what you need. Anything for power, you reckon.

The next correspondence came in person. A shoe box in the woman’s hands. She urged you to open it inside and left soon after. Uncovering it, there sure as hell was a _gun_ in there. A small handgun, but a _gun_ nonetheless. Gun laws here were not what they are in the States, and you’d be screwed if you were caught with this. You were sure he gave it to you to use for protection and wondered how the hell he smuggled it to you. You hurried and hid that under your bed for now.

It was summer when you arrived here, and now, in mid-Autumn, you’ve yet to catch sight of anybody from your past, and, yes, that included your family, You missed them terribly, sure, now more than ever since they were so close, but it was a chance you weren’t going to take. Not with your father most likely having eyes on you. Not with Light so close. Maybe, if everything turns out… okay, then you would _attempt_ to explain everything. Everything they need to know. There were, obviously, some things better left lost to history.

Kira was growing rapidly now, too, with Kira’s Kingdom broadcasted on the norm. The host, Demigawa, was an idiot, though, and you were sure that Light despised every inch of what he stood for and how he portrayed Kira. Still, it spread the word and kept Kira in everyone’s mind, which was something he couldn’t afford to lose. Someone to spread the word of Kira, to keep control, no matter the asshole doing it. Though, you suspected Light would fix it. The fact he hadn't yet made you believe he was… preoccupied.

It’s sad how easy you fell back into working out what Light is up to like you never left. What with your father’s letters still coming in saying that Light was in the States now. Ironic, you mused. Why? He didn’t know for sure but could presume it has something to do with both N and M working there. What the Task Force and SPK were up to was top secret, and only those in the organizations knew, so your dad could hardly use his connections to find anything out besides for where they were. The only way you were to find anything else, is if you got personally involved.

You were very quick to shut him down, but he wouldn’t cease communication until they returned from the States. It would change the moment you saw Light’s face, he claimed, and, God, you wanted to deny it, but, the truth was, that when that moment comes, you had no idea what would happen. If you’d fall right back into the pit you crawled out of, or if time had actually healed all your wounds and you’d remain steadfast was a mystery you didn’t want to solve. If you had your way, you’d never cross paths with any of them, but you knew better than to even think of _having your way._ It’s seldom occurred, and, even when you thought it had, your way ended eventually.

To an extent, though, being back in Japan was an improvement besides the whole Light thing. You were making friends at the firm, you _knew_ your neighbors and got invited to one of their daughter’s birthday parties and were making those connections you lacked in the States. Why? Perhaps it was because you were back to where your childhood become normal, back to where you grew up in your teenage years. Or… or just being in the same place that Light gave you that confidence and knowing you’re now back revigorated you, but you didn’t think too much on that.

The latest correspondence happened not too long ago. You were on the phone with one of your work-friends when you got a call on your _other_ phone. You quickly said goodbye and promised to call back then picked it up.

“What?” You greeted harshly.

“I just got some… bad word.” You scoffed.

“What word in this situation is good?” You held the phone between your shoulder and your ear as your fingers worked on your cuticles. “What happened?”

“Soichiro Yagami is dead.” The phone dropped to the floor, and you scrambled to pick it up, now holding it to your ear.

“W-what?”

“I don’t know many more details other than that. Everything is highly classified. It had to have something to do with M or N. Word has it that N has yet to be seen, but M is on the move often. My best guess it would have to do with him. Someone from the hospital informed one of my women that it was from the bullet wounds, but no idea from where.” You rubbed your eyes with your index finger and thumb, sighing. “Do you have any idea?”

“I could only guess from knowing Light as long as I have. I’d speculate that it was a plan that went wrong, unlikely, but possible, or a sacrificial move that Light had no choice but to do for the sake of his secret and his safety. Anyone else die?”

“No word. Can’t find anything else out.” Your hand fell to your side.

“Then how do you think he got shot? He must have had or known something that M, we’re guessing, wanted, or confronted him and ended up dead? Or maybe someone was sick of the Task Force sticking their nose into what they were doing and killed him as a warning. There are too many possibilities for me to guess without more information. Him getting shot could mean he got shot in the back or he charged in ready for it. I can’t say.” Jesus Christ. Things must be getting dire if Light’s family was suffering for it.

“Understandable. Any encounters yet?”

“None.”

“Good.”

“Good?”

“I was thinking. If these new investigators are as smart as their rap makes them to be, then, if they catch wind of you being back, and know of your previous association, you’d be in trouble. If you end up associating again, and they catch wind, they’re going to come after you, and easily get you thrown in jail right with him if he gets caught, especially considering your past relations.”

“I’m surprised they haven’t yet.”

“Because they didn’t know where you were. You’re welcome. Ever wonder why your old firm didn’t put you on their website? Ever Google yourself? After college, it’s empty. I cleared anything and everything that they can use to find you. The only way they can know now is through a witness.” You walked over to your couch, plopping yourself onto the cushions.

“Don’t you think it’s more suspicious that I disappeared like that? Without a trace? If they were smart, they'd already suspect me. If I’m lucky, they know I’m a dead end whose information is old and dried up. There’s no way to know for sure if I’m even in their heads. The only way for them to know is if they picked up where L left off, which isn’t such a crazy speculation.” It was scarier to not know what they were thinking than to know. To know means you can plan a course of action. To not know, it was a whole lot more calculating. “We can sit here speculating all we want, but Light’s dad is _dead._ That’s it. And I’ve said this a million times. I’m not getting involved. _I can’t._ Yes, it sucks that his dad died, but, frankly, it’s not my business. It’s not my job to comfort him, to reassure him what his fucking goal is, because he _knows._ And there’s nothing that can change that. He was a shit father anyway."

That conversation happened weeks ago, and word has been infrequent and short since. You tried your best not to fall into bad habits, not to spend hours on end pondering and hypothesizing on what Light Yagami’s next move was, but, with your dad’s voice ringing in your ear here and there, it was becoming increasingly hard. You felt smart, felt worthy, and it made you sick, but, when you lied in bed at night, staring at your ceiling, you couldn’t help yourself.

It was when you saw the news of the US president himself giving up the fight against Kira and disbanding their group against Kira that your suspicions rose. Wasn’t one of them working with the government? When your dad had called, he informed you that something went wrong, or something _happened. And_ a riot, but everyone in the formerly known SPK made it out. You were almost _thankful_ you weren’t in the States anymore. Almost.

When Demigawa from _Kira’s Kingdom_ died, you were at work, and your coworkers were losing their minds. Your dad called hours later. Word was he died from a heart attack, and you weren’t even _happy_ that your speculation on what Light thought of him was actually correct. 

But.

_But._

When you fucking _saw_ who took his place, you nearly _screamed._ You haven't seen that bitch since college since she and Light became a _thing_ and you nearly vomited because the two people you hated the most in your life were together. What _were_ the chances? What would M or N think to see someone Light has had previous relations with now being the international voice of Kira? And, frankly, what the _fuck?_ That bitch? _Again?_ The same one who confronted you in the library because she, as majestic and grand as she thinks she is, is not immune to Light. And, of course, now she's a famous icon, and you'll have to see her stupid face when they play Kira TV at work. Great. Just what you needed. Honestly, what were the odds? 

"Light and the Task Force are back in Japan," your dad had said. "Their flight came in the sixth. SPK will be here soon after, I think, with the new host of _Kira's Kingdom_ and things beginning to escalate over here." 

Your firm was having a project in another part of the city, so, these days, your mornings and evenings were on different subways than usual, which meant you saw new people than the ones you've seen regularly. Which was a bad thing. A very, very bad thing. You kept wary out on the street. 

It was the evening after the blueprint finally got your signature so the plan can commence. Dressed in your trousers and blazer, you missed the usual subway you took home in order to make the final changes to sign off on the project by tomorrow. Too tired to look around to make sure your surroundings were clear, you hurried through the streets to get home so you can finally _eat._ Thinking with your stomach has always gotten you in trouble. You were so focused on _chicken nuggets_ that you failed to notice a blonde model not twenty feet away, gawking at you like you were some prehistoric dinosaur brought back to life. It was only when you heard the voice you vaguely remember squeal the word "you" in anger that your brain exited your stomach and was brought back to reality. 

"Shit." You couldn't run as she was already in front of you, and she was _not_ happy. Of _course,_ it would be her. 

"I can't believe this! First Kiyomi Takada, and now _you're_ back! Why are there so many people trying to take Light from me?" You shook your head. If Misa was bothered by Takada, maybe that meant Light and her really were in contact, and it was a known thing.

"Misa, Light doesn't know I'm here, and we can keep it that—Oh no." You looked behind her. Mogi. Your eyes widened, and he looked just as surprised as you must have. You rubbed your hands down your face, purse coming to lie in the crook of your elbow as you did so. Your hands remained over your mouth as you shook your head. Not today. Please God, not today. "Mogi." 

"Y/N, right?" You nodded. "I thought you were in the United States." 

"I was. Job move." You wanted nothing more than to run into the oncoming traffic, but this was your chance to see if they, in fact, _did_ look into your whereabouts, and you weren't talking about the SPK. You wanted to know if _Light_ had. You wanted to know if, in all that time, you had escaped his mind. Mogi wouldn't know if M or N had. At least, you don't think. 

"There was no word on your location. No documentation. You were completely off the radar for four years." 

"Good! Why did you have to come back _now?"_ You, for once, agreed with Misa. Your fingers fidgeted against your thighs. Looking around, the only way out of this is if someone called you or you reverted to your other option.

"I don't know. I was working." Mogi definitely didn't believe you, but it didn't matter. You couldn't have him tell Light. You were _not_ going to take that chance. You couldn't. You didn't have it in you to see him again. Even thinking about it gave you chills. "Please don't tell Light. I don't want him to know." 

"Why?" Your tongue traced your top teeth. 

"We didn't end on good terms." Mogi looked around. 

"Misa, do you mind waiting inside while I speak to Ms. Y/N?" He asked. Misa gasped, insulted at the audacity of the request. Well, it's nice to see some things don't change. 

"Why do you need to speak with her? Is it about Light? Whatever you need to know about him, _I_ can tell you! I'm his girlfriend! She never was!" You rose your eyebrows in amusement and looked at Mogi expectantly. He sighed, eyes staring imploringly at you. 

"It's as she says. Whatever I know, she knows more. They are together, after all." You shrugged. 

"If you speak with me, I won't tell Light you're here." You froze, eyes locking as you considered. Misa wouldn't tell him, you figured if she didn't want to risk losing what she... had with Light. Especially with Takada apparently in the picture too. Besides, what could Mogi want anyway? Your curiosity was peaked, so you nodded. You followed them into the building and waited until Misa went into the job, and it was only the two of you left in her dressing room. You sat in her chair, legs crossed, fiddling with your thumbs while he leaned up against the wall. 

"What's going on?" 

"You know I can't tell you." 

"You're going to have to if you're going to ask _me_ something even though I've been away for four years."

"I... know, but it's..."

"Confidential. I don't know if you recall, but I met L. I know Light was a suspect in being Kira. I was suspected of harboring information about him. Is that what this is about, Mogi?" 

"You disappeared off of every record and documentation for four years. Even the Task Force wasn't able to track you. It was as if you dropped off the face of the earth. Like you ran. Why did you run?" You rolled your eyes. So Light did try to find you after all. Perfect. Wonderful. 

"I didn't run. I got offered a good job from my co-op back home, and I took it. That was it." Mogi was skeptical, sure. You'd be too, considering what you were accused of years ago. "Why? What's going on now?" He seemed reluctant to speak. "Who am I gonna tell? The _cops? Kira's Kingdom?_ Give me a break. If you're going to ask me something related to this case, I should know." You paused. "I've known Light a long time." 

"You said...years back, you knew Light had the capability of being Kira." You nodded. "Then... you should understand what I'm trying to say." You let out a small breath and smirked, nodding your head in a big, slow rhythm. You quirked a brow, leaned forward to prop your elbows on your knees, and looked up at him knowingly. 

"You still think he's Kira. I thought he was proven innocent back when I was? Before I left?" 

"Before L died." You pretended to be surprised, acting as if you choked on your breath. Your tongue traced your top teeth and your finger wiped at your upper lip in false-concern. 

"How?"

"Kira." Your eyes traced the ceiling pattern. 

"Which you think is Light." You shrugged, leaning back and crossing your right leg over your left so your calf rested atop your thigh. "I mean, why now? Wasn't there evidence that he couldn't be? What's with the change of heart? Unless the evidence has changed, new evidence came up, or the old was wrong, how can you be so sure?" Mogi grunted.

"Because it has. Turns out what proved him--and you--innocent isn't real. It was made up." You licked your lips. Was Mogi here to try to accuse you too? You wondered if you didn't tell him what he wanted to hear, if he'd report you. To who, though? If he was investigating Light, you wondered if others were too? If there was someone leading this undermining situation. Others members of the Task Force? Possibly. But who was spearheading it? Who found out that the evidence was fake? Have you been underestimating the Task Force this whole time? 

This wasn't good. For all you knew, this could put you back on the hot seat too. It would make sense, too, since you were proven innocent by Light being proven innocent. If anyone with a brain put the pieces of the evidence together to conclude Light's identity, your piece of the puzzle could be placed with only a minimal amount of thinking, if not already there. Perhaps, since you've been off the radar, they hadn't had the chance to question you.

Now, they do.

You didn't have room to hesitate. One nervous fidget of your finger could tell a whole story. You kept your composure and connect eyes with him. 

"I don't know anything about Light being Kira. Nothing has changed. I still believe he has the capacity to be Kira, as in the intelligence, just like L had the capacity to be Kira, but I don't think the apathy is there. He's... always, _always,_ been there for me when I needed it most. He always knew when to be there. You've been around him all the time the past four years. Have you noticed any apathetic tendencies?" Your ability to lie through your teeth hasn't changed, you mused. You hoped you spurred the thought of Light's father dying in Mogi's head since he didn't know that you knew. You could imagine Light pulled an act on that one... or maybe he was actually hurt. Maybe. 

"Someone has a belief that Light is Kira. Somebody... smart." M or N. That means one of them must be in contact with Mogi, or the Task Force in general and Mogi believed them. If that's the case, then this sense of doubt might be among all of the Task Force against Light. He probably knows this and is acting under a scrutinizing gaze. That must be why he and Takada are in contact, and Misa is all up-in-arms. Misa must know Light and she had a... thing. 

Honestly though, speaking as a witness, it was so _weird_ when they were exclusive. You remembered just the lack all PDA and how just... weird they were together. You were beginning your internship at the time, and weren't around campus much, but, when you were, you wondered just... _how?_ You had so many questions, but you were well aware of Takada's interest if the library encounter was anything but subtle. Still, the number of people who came up to you and said _you would look so much better with him than her_ was astounding. You think it got to her too, but she still had this _pride_ and was so _conceited_ as if she wanted to say, "I won." 

Well, congrats, sister. You're in love with a serial killer. _Get in line._

"Who?" You asked. Mogi shook his head. 

"Can't say." Mogi paused, seemingly contemplating something. "Y/N, please be honest with me. Countless lives could be saved. The world is changing. Kira is changing everything we have ever known. This _religion_ is killing hundreds of thousands of people since Kira began years ago. The rate has gone up recently. Nearly 500 people are dying every day. We need to solve this case. If you know anything, tell me, and I'll make sure nothing happens to you." He wasn't begging or pleading, but, by the way, he was talking, he seemed convinced you knew something. 

This was it, though. There was a hand extended towards where you stood in the pits of hell, offering that single olive branch. A promise to bring you back home, back to peace. It was bright, beautiful, and you can see a future with it. With your family, your job, a _partner,_ happy with or without kids, getting old, all _happy_ and at peace. 

]But you also saw death. You watched Light being arrested, tortured, killed alongside your prosperous future. With his death, there's so much life. _With his death._ For all that shit he did to you, _to everyone,_ it's what he deserves. Countless deaths for the price of one. Makes sense, right? 

But it just _has_ to be him. It has to be his death. The Death Note _had_ to go to him, and you _had_ to get to the bottom of Light Yagami. And now, you're stuck. It's too late. 

The devil holds you too tight to escape. 

Your face somehow grew heavy, a brittle wall holding back tears. You swallowed, visibly struggling to keep your composure. Mogi must have taken notice, but you couldn't bring yourself to look. You couldn't bring yourself to hurt someone who always hurts you. Funny, right? God must think you're pretty pathetic right about now. 

"I'm sorry. I don't know anything." You stood abruptly. "I have to go. Good luck with your case." Rushing out of the room, you didn't catch your breath until you were back into the fresh air. You leaned against the wall of the same building, hand shaking as it was held over your chest. 

"Ma'am, are you okay?" A woman passing by asked. You nodded your head. 

"Y-yeah, thank you." You hurried home and waited until you had the comfort of privacy to let the brittle wall snap.

Mogi watched you leave in a hurry, face pale and ready to burst into tears. You knew. Maybe you didn't know exactly what, but you knew _something._ He wondered if it was Light who had kept your mouth shut. He recalled your relationship in college: when you were brought in, how Light looked at you when you defended yourself while looking into the Yotsuba Group, how he was when he first found out you left, how that was the first time he's seen Light act distraught, and how he was when there was not one trace of you for the next four years. 

Maybe he was so perturbed because you knew he was Kira, and you were out of his grasp, but, after four years and this speculation only coming on now, he knew that wasn't the case. What confused Mogi the most was, if his memory served him right, you were friends with him during high school still when L first revealed himself to Light so long ago. If Light's been Kira this whole time, did you still know back then? 

He would never have guessed you to be an avid hand in serial killings. You didn't have the face, the attitude, _the apathy._ You weren't stupid. He knew that much with your confrontation with L all the while ago, but to withhold that information for this long with so much death around you without telling any law enforcement? It took incredible strength or incredible fear. Has Light been threatening you all this time in the mask of being friends? Or were you actually in on it?

There must be a reason you looked so bothered, so scared, just now. Was it because you thought Light would kill you if you said anything? Or was it something else that scared you? 

He couldn't say, but, if this conversation did nothing else, it confirmed his--and L's--suspicion that you were, whether a willing one or not, an accomplice. There was something more at play than just you harboring this information, but harboring is harboring, and the chance to get off free was off the table. There was no mistaking there was some connection between you and Light, good or bad. If it can be used to confirm all speculation, and finally put an end to Kira, then if you have to go down with him, so be it. 

Mogi picked up his phone and made a call. 

"N, was there any information on Light's old friend Y/N when you came onto this case? From L's notes? Well, I just found her." 

He returned to the Task Force, tired, firstly. The day was far too long. Misa was a... character, to say the least. After his confrontation with you, he began to compare Light's past interactions with you to his with Misa. Perhaps it was more than fear that kept Light's secret. Though, you two were never a couple. He knew that, but that theory gets muddled with Takada in the picture. He recalled what Light said during their private meeting in the hotel room. Maybe you were a past thing. 

There was one way to find out as he walked into the room, Light's back to him as he typed on his computer in the corner. Mentally, he apologized to you, but he had no choice. This was for the good of everyone. 

"Light," he spoke. Light's head flicked to him, ceasing typing for the moment. There was no one else in the room. Maybe they went home for the evening. 

"What is it, Mogi? I didn't expect you to be back." Mogi swallowed.

"I was out with Misa today, for her shoot for the festival, and I... ran into someone." Light spun around to face him now, curious.

"Who did you see?" It took Mogi a moment to speak out. Breaking his word didn't feel good, but, he needed to gauge his reaction. If Light had something with Takada and something with you, one could be fake. The one that would benefit him more, most likely. Mogi was well aware after telling him Light may remain calm, but, in the future, it might be a benefit for him. 

"Y/N." Light remained quiet. If there was a reaction, it wasn't visible to Mogi. "That's all. I thought you should know since we couldn't find her for the past few years. Have a good night." Mogi watched Light's form sit back down and return to his computer, then left. 

Light wasn't expected Mogi to come back. When he walked in, he wondered if Mogi was going to confront him of something, but, on second thought, Mogi wouldn't have anything more on him than he already has, so it was out of the question. 

"Who did you see?" Light asked, on his feet, genuinely curious as to what Mogi had to say. He watched the man struggle for a few seconds to speak but ultimately opened his mouth.

"Y/N." Light's breath hitched, small enough not for Mogi to notice. Y/N... was back? His eyes anchored to the ground, processing, the gears in his head grinding. After a few moments, Light sat in his seat and turned to the computer screen. Mogi wished him a good night, and Light waited until he heard the door shut to let out his breath. 

His brows furrowed, and he began to type again. Within minutes, he had your new job and address pulled up from the system. He hummed. All of a sudden, you're as easy to find as any old citizen. It made him _angry._ You to just leave like that. He tried to find you. He used every resource he has as L, even, but you were nowhere. If he weren't rational, he would have thought you were dead, but you wouldn't die.

Not on him. 

He was madder at himself for allowing you the room to leave. Allowing you to run. The past fours years they... he shook his head. They didn't matter. What mattered now is that you were back. Back in his reach. Back with _him._ Where you belonged.

He stopped typing. It was going to be annoying with Misa and Takada. More difficult for him. Well, on second thought, he knew you, and, if you thought the same way you used to, then you must be able to figure out the position he was in. He had to be able to do this. He was closer than ever. You wouldn't say a word. You never had. You never will. These past four years haven't changed that. You returning to Japan confirmed that. 

This time, though. You wouldn't so easily escape his grasp. You're back for good, whether if you knew you wanted it or not. After all, he knows what's best for you. He always has, and he always will. 

Still, how did you manage to disappear? No recent transactions, no registered vehicles, nothing. You didn't know how to do that. You didn't have the means, and, frankly, you wouldn't think of it. He even found Oliver, but there was no relation found to you. Someone had to be meddling. Someone with power. 

But _who?_ And how could you know them? 

Unless you didn't ask. It's like he thought before. Someone else must have done it for you. His head rested against his fist in thought. It wouldn't be your sister or mother, and he wasn't sure if your brother could do that, or if he'd have reason to. 

Unless... you _told him._ That would be the only reason. Protection, from _him._ It would make sense. He was the reason you left, he knew. Still, even so, it takes more than some engineer to take down someone entirely from the radar. It takes more than just some computer science to clear everything from a government system, and Light's looked into Oliver in the past. He doesn't have the skill.

There was a missing factor. There had to be, and there was one way to find out. He grinned, sitting back in his chair. He wondered if you asked Mogi to not tell him about you. Most likely. Cute. He could laugh at your effort, but you should know better. He would find out. He always did. It just meant that Misa must have seen you too. 

His optics flicked to the screen where your work picture was. You looked older, but your eyes were as youthful as ever. As innocent as when you were in college. With new vigor, he stood up, shut off his monitor, and stalked out of the room. 

The prey is back in hell, and the devil is _hungry._


	24. Devil's Last Sin

You knew it was going to be a bad week when you woke up that morning. You didn’t know why or how you knew, but there was some supernatural force whispering in your ear warnings of the near future. It was most likely contingent on your encounter with Mogi and Misa, if you were being honest with yourself. Plus, your _brilliant_ show of acting by leaving abruptly while Mogi was questioning you probably wasn’t helping your case. If anything, you’d guess Mogi was more convinced of your affiliation. Not that you could blame him. If he went back and reported his run-in with you to whoever else he is conspiring with, you wouldn’t be too shocked. The only thing really that really bothered you, though, is if Mogi went and told Light.

He didn’t have to. You know that, and you knew he knew it too, but there was an advantage to telling him. If Mogi has any brain cells, which he does, unfortunately, then he’d break his word. He’d tell Light as soon as the chance occurred, and, if you did somehow still resonate in his mind, you’d be a distraction, another loose string to collect, which means another chance to slip up. Exactly what Mogi would want if he’s trying to prove Light is Kira. It was just like L, you figured. They _know_ in their hearts Light is Kira, but there is _no_ evidence to make any sort of official accusation. They’ll take any chance they can get to find just one sliver of indication, which could bring Light to your doorstep, if he could afford to. He’d have to maintain control somehow. He needed to make sure his pieces were secured, especially after losing one four years ago.

Naturally, you expected him to approach first. There was no preparation for that besides dread whenever you thought about it, so you did what anyone would have done in that situation. Not think about it. Ever. It was fake news, and you weren’t about it. You, instead, drowned yourself in work to focus on about anything else. With the project recently approved, it wasn’t terribly hard to do so. You were taking nonstop calls, reviewing an endless pile of paperwork, and coding out of your mind. With everything piling, you forgot to be cautious whilst in the office. That Friday, you were expecting a call from the owner of the property you were working near when the secretary forwarded a call to you.

“Is this Y/N L/N?”

“Yes, speaking.”

“I’m an associate of Kiyomi Takada. She would like to reach out and have dinner tonight, if possible, after the evening news, of course.” You ceased your work, hand going to hold the phone instead of squeezing it between your shoulder and your cheek. Your eyes rolled to the ceiling in annoyance. She couldn’t even call herself. What a pretentious bitch.

“Um… why?”

“She personally requested me to call and invite you. I hear you were classmates in college.” Such bullshit. _Such bullshit._ You glanced around the office. If any of your coworkers knew what was going on right now, they’d be completely losing it. “She offered no more information. I’m sure it’s a friendly meet-up.” You wondered if the woman on the phone was dumb as a rock or playing innocent. The most recent, famous, and upcoming woman wants to meet up with ol’ college _friends_? Really? You wanted to scream. You knew she was either messing with you, or she really believes she could dissect your “relationship” with Light through cordial dinner.

“Where and when?” Some high-end, overpriced place with far too few portions than you were used to in America. You better eat before. You thought for a minute. Sighing, you decided you’d humor her. If you were guessing right, she was another Misa, if you looked hard enough, convinced and deceived by Light that she was important and… _loved,_ and, like Misa, you wouldn’t be able to convince her otherwise no matter what you did. Especially since Takada must know Light is Kira. He must have promised her something. Love, devotion, power. Something tempting.

“Shall I tell her you accept, then?”

“I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

You, in fact, almost did. Work ran late. Entirely too late. An error in code here, a violation of a safety precaution there caused you to rush through the city streets, freezing, may you add, since it was nearly Christmas now, with your black jumpsuit, blazer, and heels towards the place you’ve never even been because you weren’t bourgeois enough to even step foot in the place. If you weren’t rushing so fast, perhaps you would have noticed Mogi standing outside watching you with wide eyes head into the same building Misa was in.

Your heels clicked against the tile of the floor as you strode down the hall. You knocked on the, hopefully, correct door. It was opened by a blonde woman. American, you noted. “This the right place?” She smiled, stepping back to allow you in the room.

Even more bourgeois than the outside. One long table with a huge backdrop where two women sat staring at you. Takada, obviously, and Misa. _Oh._ So, this is what this was. You chuckled to yourself, adjusting your bag and approaching the table with a polite smile. “Sorry I’m late. Work ran late.” There was a single chair in the middle between the two of them. Great. So, it was a monkey in the middle kind of day, huh? You awkwardly pulled out the chair and sat while they watched you silently.

You glanced to your left. Misa was chugging wine. She must be going through it, then. You couldn’t blame her, though. You’ve had plenty of nights where alcohol was your only friend (for the first hour) and source of comfort. You glanced to your right.

She literally looked the same, you noted. Same look in her eyes and smirk on her lips that spoke in mock-politeness. You recalled the woman standing near the door. You couldn’t let anything slip. Not with a witness. You smiled. “Anyway, hello Misa. Takada. Thank you, _so much,_ for inviting me tonight, and covering the dinner for us, Takada.” You didn’t know if she actually was, but you sure as hell weren’t splitting this check. “Did I miss anything?”

"Nothing special. I was just inquiring about how busy Light is these days.” Oh boy. It already started. Not even an opener about the weather or baseball or _anything else._ Maybe you needed a glass of something too, but wine wasn’t really your thing.

“Oh, dandy. Got anything stronger?” You’d need it for this topic. They ignored your question, unfortunately, leaving you with red wine as your only consolidation. “Forget I asked,” you muttered, slouching a bit in your seat.

"So, Misa, how do you and Light manage, with him being so busy?”

“Oh, things are great between us. At home, with me, Light is way more affectionate than he looks. He practically clings to me as soon as he comes home.” Lie. You stared blankly at the ceiling.

“That’s good. Things must be going well, then?” You reached out to your glass and lifted it to your lips.

“Things are going perfect. In fact, I should tell you, since you’re the MC and all. At the pop music festival, I’m going to announce Light and I’s engagement.” You choked while swallowing, holding your mouth to your elbow. You didn’t choke out of surprise, no. You choked because of _laughter._ Takada caught your grin as you lowered your arm.

“Are you okay, Y/N?” You nodded.

“Don’t you worry about lil ol’ me.” You adjusted yourself on the chair. Takada focused her attention on the blonde.

“It was so _romantic._ He proposed to me over a month ago, you know. Don’t you think it would be an amazing idea for me to let everyone know at the festival?” Your eyes shifted to Takada. She didn’t look… happy, to say the least, but she kept her composure. She was smart, after all. You were sure she had something in mind that didn’t worry her too much about Misa’s statement.

“I don’t see why not. If you are able to, that is.” Like watching the ball in a tennis match, your eyes bounced back to Misa for her rebuttal.

“If I’m able to? What is that supposed to mean? Are you going to call Kira and ask for him to kill me?” Your eyebrows rose, not in surprise but in…doneness. As in you were done with her. You began to stare at the backdrop. Maybe you shouldn’t have come in the first place if you knew you were coming to a cat fight.

“Why would you say such a terrible thing? I think of you as one of my good friends. I would never kill anyone, no matter how terrible they might be.” Okay, you were done with them both now. Staring blankly ahead, that backdrop was getting _real_ pretty. Misa shrugged, going to take the whole bottle of wine now. Yikes. You went to take another sip of your own.

“It doesn’t matter. Once, I really liked Kira too. Now, I know Light is going to catch him.” Of course, you choked on the drink again, feeling it go down the wrong pipe. You coughed into your arm. This time, you _did_ choke out of shock. “Which is too bad for you. Once Light catches him you’ll probably be… executed.”

It Takada’s turn to laugh. While she did, you continued to stare ahead. Light must have wiped her memories… again. It must be because of Mogi and whoever else was looking into Light. She would be a liability. It made sense. You glanced to Takada. You wondered if she knew the intricacies of the Death Note. Not as much as you did, but she must know something. Unless Light never showed her.

“I find this unpleasant.” Takada stood, snapping you out of your thoughts. She looked down to where you sat. “Ms. L/N. Would you like to continue this dinner at a later date?” You shook your head. You didn’t want to talk to her later. You wanted to talk to her now, before Light got to you. Before she can say she met up with you. You stood up as well.

“I haven’t eaten yet today, Takada. We can go somewhere else, if you’d like. I’d still like to talk and… catch up. It’s been a while, after all.” Misa grimaced from her seat.

“Hey! I find it unpleasant for you two to leave here without me!” Ignoring her, as you could do now that she doesn’t have the eyes anymore, you wrapped your coat around yourself and grabbed your purse.

“Perhaps, when you’ve grown up, Misa. We can do this again. Please, let the adults speak. Have a good evening, Ms. Amane.” Takada and the woman headed towards the door, and you followed, not listening to Misa’s words being yelled behind you. “Did you have somewhere in mind, Ms. L/N?”

“Just Y/N. Somewhere private. Doesn’t have to be as rich, though.” You shrugged. “You know me.” She nodded.

“I have somewhere in mind. It isn’t too far.” You followed her to her… limo. Okay. You glanced around. Mogi stood near the entrance. You wished you had seen him before you walked in. You looked down to his shoes then back to his face as his gaze followed you into her car. He watched the car until Misa hobbled out. By then, you were already down the road. “I sincerely apologize about that. I’m not sure what I was expecting from Misa, but I at least wanted her to act maturely.” Your head was against the window while she spoke. You rolled it to look at her expectantly.

“You baited her, after all. Not sure what else you were expecting. You know her. I know her, and you gave her wine. So.” You shrugged. You wanted to say more, but not with her bodyguard in the car.

“I merely was asking her about her relationship. I was genuinely worried about how she was doing with him being gone so much.” You hummed, raising your brows dubiously. She met your gaze. You smiled, looking ahead.

“I’m sure you were. You are _ever_ so genuine.” She didn’t reply. You rode in silence. Perhaps it was tense, but you were too hungry and apathetic to the situation at hand to feel it too much. You exited the car at some other restaurant.

“I didn’t make a reservation, but I believe they should make proper arrangements for me.” You rolled your eyes but followed her anyway and watched the faculty of the restaurant hustle and rush around with nerves to set up for her. In the end, you were gifted a private room decorated for the season with a fireplace and a TV playing some drama. It was a smaller table, but the two of you were facing each other still. You glanced to her bodyguard.

“Sorry. I don’t feel comfortable with her in here.” Takada glanced to the woman.

“She’s my bodyguard—.”

“I’m not going to hurt you. Pat me down. She can stand outside the door where all the guests and waiter are. You’ll be fine. Don’t you trust me? We’re _old friends.”_ You tilted your head in the slightest. She coughed.

“Halle, can you please wait outside.”

“But Ms.—.”

“It’s quite alright. We are well acquainted.” You watched the woman glance between the two of you, then acquiesced to the request. Your eyes lingered on the door, then flicked to the woman across from you.

“Did you really invite Misa and I to dinner to talk about Light Yagami?” You paused when the door opened. The waitress coming in, taking your orders, and rushing out the door. “What did you think you would accomplish?”

“I just wanted to get old friends together, that’s all. No harm in that, especially now since you’re back in Japan.” You rolled your eyes, rubbing a hand down your face.

“May we trash the ignorance and civility in the presence of just ourselves? Restaurant is loud enough, and the table is far enough from the door she won’t hear us.” Takada pondered this and nodded. You sighed. “What did Light tell you?”

“Who he is.” You sipped the water at the table then nodded. “How long have you known for? In college, did you…”

“High school.” She seemed to be taken aback. “Oh yes, very beginning. Not too long after Kira first emerged.”

“So, this whole time, you’ve known. It’s no wonder why the two of you were so close. How—,”

“It’s a long story. Brother forgot eggs and milk, I ran into an FBI agent while sprinting home, met the late wife, put pieces together, and here we are.” You shook your head. “It doesn’t matter. It’s all the past. Right now, I want to know what he told you. Not about the notebook and shit. What did he promise you? Why are you helping him?”

You knew it was a Misa situation, like you said before. She wouldn’t be convinced otherwise, but… you wanted to try. Times were different now, and the woman in front of you was in more danger than you could imagine. Being in the spotlight, seeing Light so often. He was using her more than he ever used Misa. Right about now, the model was the safest of everyone. The only person you wanted to be in danger was you.

“That I… I would rule by his side. I believe in Kira, whether you do or not.” Your jaw clenched. You shook your head, smiling tightly at the ground.

“And you really believe that? I don’t know if you’re desperate or just plain dumb.” You spoke directly, the façade of politeness completely discarded.

“He chose me, Y/N. I’m sorry that you’re someone of the past. I’m the future.” You rolled your eyes.

“So, you’re telling me you really think that you’re going to, what? Rule by his side forever? God and goddess of the new world? Give me a break, sister. Use your head. If you keep doing this, you’re going to be killed.” She remained silent for a few seconds, processing your words.

“Are attempting to scare me?

“I’m _warning you._ I’ve seen this play out so many times. Takada, you are in so much danger. This spotlight you have, the _twisted_ lives you and Light seem to have. It’s a recipe for disaster. He’s _using_ you. He _doesn’t_ want you by his side. He _doesn’t_ need you for the endgame. He _doesn’t_ love you. He doesn’t love anyone, Takada. I thought you’d be smart enough to realize it. He needs your help, yeah, sure, _right now,_ but when he doesn’t need it anymore, or it’s a liability, you’re going to be gone without hesitation, and, yeah, maybe you’re a bitch or whatever, but you’re being manipulated, and I can help. If maybe you just _see_ the truth of it all, maybe you can still escape.”

“Whose side are you on, Y/N?” You threw your hands up to the sides in exasperation. Did she not listen to one word you said? One of them came up to rest the back of your hand against your forehead.

“If I’m still alive right now… whose do you think? I did what I had to survive.” She laughed again.

“Oh, Y/N. You know, in college, I was friends with Harue and Nori, after the party incident. They practically stalked you after. They told me about what they saw after your… episode. Your coffee date with him after. Showing up to his house when he wasn’t even home. You are far past ‘doing what you can to survive.’ If you really believed that, you would have turned him in back in high school, wouldn’t you?” You didn’t reply. “So, tell me. Why didn’t you turn him in? Why defend him? Keep the secret for the longest of any of us?”

You were scared.

You had no choice.

You were scared for your family’s lives.

You were scared for your own life.

You were threatened to keep your mouth shut.

You were manipulated, just like them.

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. _Wrong._

You knew the manipulation, heard the threats, felt the fear, yet you never did anything. Then, you freaked and ran away when things became too real. Just like right now. “You’re going to tell me you didn’t tell a soul because you _don’t_ feel something for Light Yagami?” You pursed your lips, unmoving when the waitress reentered with your food and exited. She leaned forward. “You’re saying that I am being manipulated. Being lied to, but I believe you are the most manipulated out of all of us. You claim to know his ‘lies’ and ‘tricks,’ but you’re still here. What does that say, hm?”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about, Takada. You don’t know anything. If I could have gotten out of this, I would. Don’t talk as if you understand.”

“I do know that you’re crying right now.” You hardly felt them until she pointed them out. “I know that you’re upset, and you just can’t accept reality. Right now, only proves that. Kira needs someone strong by his side. Someone analytical. Someone smart and influential. Everything comes to an end, Y/N. I’m sorry I had to be the one to explain that to you. Times have changed. Please stop trying to regain what you lost.” You didn’t watch her stand up. “I lost my appetite.” She placed cash on the table. “I will ‘cover this’ for you.’”

“Takada.” She gave you the time of day by turning around. “Don’t say I didn’t warn you. There’s a reason I’m still alive. Ask him.” She didn’t reply, opening the door and shutting it behind her. With the back of your fist, you wiped away any stray tears. You seemed to have lost your appetite as well.

“Dad,” you said over the phone. “You’ll never guess who I just ‘wined and dined’ with.”

“Light.”

“Close. Misa Amane and Kiyomi Takada.”

“Jesus, how? What happened?”

“Takada invited us. Basically, the only thing that happened was a cat fight over Light, for all parties. Takada thinks she’s the winner of it all.”

“And? What do you think?”

“I think that she’s going to die.” A pause.

“I’m… going to need some citations on that one.” You rolled your eyes.

“Think about it. Okay, well, my best guess is that Light really doesn’t want a partner in the whole, ‘God of the new world’ thing, so, if he does succeed in whatever is going on, he’s going to have to somehow get rid of her, whether it be ruin her career or kill her. That, or he’s going to get rid of her as a means to succeed in whatever is going on now. Because, I could be wrong, but I don’t see him wanting to keep her _or_ Misa in the long run.” 

Over the course of the next week, Light never showed face. You wondered, then, if maybe you were out of the system. Maybe, you had a chance of being free of, not the situation itself, but of _him._ You’d be okay with that. Perhaps Takada replaced you. She clearly wanted it more than you did.

Still, something in your gut _wrenched_ at the thought. Perhaps, it was guilt. You blamed yourself for her being in the position in the first place. It was different than with Misa. Misa, somehow, had a notebook in the first place. She _wanted_ it, too. Takada swooned into it through false promises. Yes, she’s a bitch, sure, but she didn’t deserve to be treated any less, but there was no more helping her. You tried, and it’s all you can really say for now.

It was a while after your father called you again. No word from anyone otherwise.

“Y/N? I—I don’t know how to… Kiyomi Takada is dead. She… burned to death.” _Holy…_ You didn’t make a verbal response. You _couldn’t._ “Just before. N… he’s dead too. I don’t know what’s going on, but things are escalating fast. Have you heard any word—.”

“ _No.”_ You rasped out.

“Oh… well. Maybe you can—.”

“No, I—have to call you back.”

“Wait—.” You hung up abruptly, throwing the phone across your apartment. You looked around at the stillness that was your current home, attempting to get a grasp of reality while you still could.

She… _burned to death._ You nearly choked. No one, _no one_ deserves that. You can’t even imagine… you didn’t want to. All you could feel is that fear, that _pain_ she must have gone through. All for Light. Maybe, in that moment, she thought of you, and how you were right, which terrified you more than ever. Did you talk with her encourage her more to help him? Would she have realized it by herself? You had no way of knowing.

What if… what if she was you? What if you were in that fire? Could it have been if you hadn’t left? Or would you have suffered a worse fate? Your fists clenched and wiped the tears from your cheeks. You rushed to pick up the phone and press the “call back” button. You didn’t leave him time to speak.

“I can’t do this anymore. I have to leave. That’s going to be _me_ next. I want to go back. _Please._ I want to go home.” You could hear you dad groan behind your plea.

“Get yourself together. It’s not going to be you. Let me finish before you throw your tantrums. If you want to back out, fine, but you need to listen to me before you make any rash decisions, got it? I finally got a man on the inside. Don’t ask who, what, or how. January 28th. Light and Near are meeting face-to-face, and only one of them is going to make it out.”

“Near. Light… I know he did it. He did it to her. Didn’t even care that she faced one of the worst ways to die. He has to die. It’s…time. No more excuses. No more anything.” Your dad paused.

“I agree. That’s why we were enlisted to ensure Light Yagami dies on January 28th if the job is not done at the location. I called because I want you to come. I want you to be there when it all ends. You deserve it.” You remained silent. The offer was so tempting. To be there to watch the madness end.

If it were before, perhaps your heart would have ached at the thought of watching him die. The sickened and tainted part of your soul might have even mourned, but with the flames that have swallowed Takada have also swallowed any of that indoctrinated empathy within you.

“Just let me know when.”


	25. Angel's First Sin

January 28th.

January 28th was supposed to be your new beginning.

January 28th was supposed to be your rebirth.

January 28th was supposed to be the bitter end to a paramount evil whose power was a dense cloud encasing the earth.

January 28th was supposed to be the world’s—your new dawn.

January 28th was supposed to be the penance you’ve been seeking for seemingly countless years.

Today was supposed to be the end.

What had gone wrong?

_Everything._

You woke up, as you always did, unfortunately, staring at the clock. 7 am. You meant to wake up late today, so your nerves did not bundle and explode in your system for too long before 1 pm, but you guessed they were the ones who woke you up so early. You attempted to remain slack in your bed, to lull yourself back to sleep, but the banging of your pipes, the noises of the outside world, and the footsteps of your neighbors refrained you from doing so. Lying in your bed was becoming the most uncomfortable thing in the world.

You rose to a sitting position and scanned your room. Everything was the same. Dull, unmoving, dusty, probably. Maybe you should clean. Take your mind off of the situation at hand. You stood and strode to the bathroom, making yourself look—and smell—like a human being. Hair still wet, you opened your hallway’s closet and took out the basket of cleaning supplies.

You started with the kitchen, emptying out your refrigerator, organizing your dishes and cutlery, swiping down the granite, and anything else you can think of. Traversing to the living room, you vacuumed everything that could be vacuumed, swiped down the wood-tiled floor, got the trash and dust from under the couch cushions, wiped down the tables, TV, and windows, recycled and unneeded paper, and anything else that could be done.

The pattern continued through the bathroom and into the bedroom until your hands were wrinkly with cleaning products, and you needed another shower. After emerging for the second time, now in a clean bathroom with wet hair again, you glanced at the clock. 10:00.

Maybe you’d cook yourself breakfast. Yeah, that was smart. After cleaning, you knew what was in every cabinet and drawer. You’d make yourself a Gordon Ramsey semi-approved meal, or at least try to.

10:42. Finished eating it at 11:00. Washed the dishes and put them away at 11:02. Started watching TV at 11:03. Didn’t find a show to watch until 11:07.

11:37.

12:07.

12:15. Your phone rang.

“Hello?”

“Car will be there in around ten minutes. Remember that gun I gave you? Bring it. You won’t be needing it after today. Make sure it’s hidden, obviously.” Your dad’s voice gave you no room to speak. “Any questions?”

“What’s going to happen?”

“The driver will explain on the way. I don’t have the time right now. Any questions ask her. She knows the plan. I’ll see you there, sweetheart.” _Sweetheart?_ Nervous, you set the phone down and hurried to your bedroom to retrieve the shoebox under your bed. You had almost forgotten it was there.

You returned to your couch at 12:19.

12:20.

12:21.

12:22.

12:23.

12:24.

12:25.

12:26.

12:27.

12:28. There was a knock on your door. Your heart leaped out of your chest at the sound. The person on the other side of the door didn’t say a word. He simply waited until you opened the door. He eyed you head-to-toe, then wordlessly led you to the black car, its windows tinted pitch black, parked behind your building. You swallowed, sitting in the back seat.

“What’s going to happen today?”

“Light and Near are meeting at an abandoned warehouse. We were contacted by one of the parties to make sure Light Yagami dies and the notebook is secured. You’ll be watching. Your father insisted you stay out until it is all over, so you will be waiting in this car that will be pulled over off to the side. Someone will be out to retrieve you. You don’t have to go inside if you don’t want to see what happened inside, but don’t leave this car until they come.” Your tongue traced your top teeth, pondering.

“Who’s going to come?” He shrugged.

“Can’t say. Might be me, your father, or some of our other men and women.”

“How many of you are going to be there? Seems like you have a lot of men and women coming.” He shook his head.

“The Task Force and the SPK will be there in full force, I could guess. Your father says it’s always better to be safe than sorry. I only know my job. I wasn’t debriefed on anyone else’s.”

“What’s your job?”

“To make sure you know not to approach the warehouse before someone retrieves you. It’s imperative.”

“Well, why?” You could hear his exasperation.

“I don’t know. Safety, probably. Are your questions ever going to end?” Your jaw dropped. Didn’t your father say _to_ ask this person any questions? Now he’s getting mad? What did he expect? In your current situation, you should have _more._

“If you were me, wouldn’t you have so many questions, given the circumstances?” He sighed.

“Look. I’m just going to tell you one thing. No matter what it looks like is going on in there, no matter what you hear, stay in this car, got it?” You narrowed your eyes. What did he mean, no matter what it might look like going on? Still, you nodded, not wanting to engage this man in any more conversation knowing he wasn’t going to spill anymore without the attitude.

Safety. _Ha._ There had to be a reason you were to stay in the car, and you had a funny feeling you knew what. Your father probably still believed you could hinder his plans and protect Light. You didn’t blame him. After everything, you’d think the same thing.

Though, what confused you was why he told you to stay _no matter what it looked like._ What else would it look like? Light would be overpowered with so many people there, so it shouldn’t take much to actually kill him. Why would it look any different?

Unless.

You glanced at the driver’s steadied glare on the road. He didn’t catch your gaze in the rearview. You flicked your gaze out the window.

Why would your dad want Light dead? The SPK must have contacted him in exchange for some sort of deal. Information, most likely. Why? Unless your father contacted them? You didn’t know enough about the SPK or its leader to make any concrete guesses. Maybe the SPK’s leader—this N character—didn’t feel confident going into this confrontation.

There was so much you didn’t know. _So much,_ and the number of questions, possible answers, and possible outcomes were too much for you. You had to _trust_ everything was going to turn out okay, which was not settling well in your gut. Allowing other people to dictate what happens when you’re involved _never_ turned out alright.

A pit was forming in your gut. An all-too-familiar pit.

“We’ll be there in five minutes. Remember what I said.”

The car parked in the trees away from the warehouse, behind a set of thick trunks. From where it was, you couldn’t even see the building. The man turned to you. “Stay,” was all he said before he opened the driver’s door and walked in a straight line until he was out of sight.

The questions floating in your head did not simmer away. In fact, more bounced around in there than ever, aching your skull. There was no way you were going to be able to stay in this car. You couldn’t even breathe. Leaning over to the driver's side, you pressed the unlock button in case the alarm would go off when you exited the car, crawled between the two front seats, and exited out the driver’s door.

It was quiet, peaceful outside, but the incoming, dark clouds spoke it was the tranquility moments before a storm. The woods that surrounded you were sparse, easy to trek through until your gaze settled on the abandoned warehouse for the first time. It was eerily quiet. You glanced around. No sign of your father’s men or women. You had to be careful, then, to make sure they didn’t see you. You kneeled to sit on the ground against the trunk of a tree.

It began to rain. You felt the drops slowly increase their velocity until it was a downpour. The tree you were under provided minimal protection. The drops staining your shirt and clothes made you feel heavier with every moment, but you didn’t dare to move.

You didn’t know how you didn’t notice him before. The man standing outside the door with long dark hair seemingly listening in. Was he one of your father’s men? You squinted. _Not with that notebook in his hand._ He must be with Light, then. Odd, you wondered. He rarely enlisted help unless it was _needed._ You dared not move, lest risk any of your father’s people’s attention in the empty woods around you.

You watched. For an eternity it seemed like you watched the warehouse stand in the wind. You watched the man outside twitch and fiddle with the object in his hand. You watched the birds fly, stand on the roof, then fly off again. You watched the beetle crawl up your leg until you flicked it off. You watched the first sign of your father’s people jog towards the warehouse. You watched another and another and another until they secured the perimeter. You watched the standstill of them all. You watched the long-haired man enter the building, only able to comprehend little of his hysterical sounds. You watched your father’s men slowly close in until they were against its walls, waiting.

It happened so suddenly. If you blinked, you might have missed it. The men and women entered, and it was silent. Your nerves made you jump to your feet, hand against the tree for balance. All you can hear was your own breathing and heartbeat with the wind. You clenched your hands at the cold breeze against your skin. The world was stopping. Whatever omnipotent force controlled and watched this universe was boring his or her or their eyes or whatever he, she, or they uses to see at this very scene. The wind ceased to blow. Earth was freezing its revolution.

You didn’t dare move lest shatter the unseen wall of glass that surrounded you. You felt like the audience of a horror movie was watching you, the main actress at the end of the movie, waiting on the edge of their seats watching to see who makes it out, waiting for that relief, eating off of your fear to feed their insatiable desire to see out the end.

**_Bang._ **

**_Bang._ **

**_Bang._ **

**_Bang._ **

**_Bang._ **

**_Bang._ **

**_Bang._ **

**_Bang._ **

Eight distinct gunshots, then silence again. The birds flew away. It was too cold. Fear raptured you, froze you to your place. _No matter what it looks like._ You furrowed your brow. Eight shots are overkill. Sloppy. Your father was not sloppy, despite his gang reputation. In a moment, you took off from your start position through the rain and mud to stand near the door the man with the notebook was against. You could hear them from the other side, loud and clear.

Laughter. Hysterical, maniacal, laughter protruding from the walls. You knew it. You recognized it. _He’s alive._ You shook your head, immediately feeling the shake of your limbs, the pumping of your heart, the drying of your throat, and the wet stream of liquid pooling and falling at the drop of a pin. You couldn’t look in. You couldn’t, but _you did._

Eight distinct bodies laid out across the room, their blood melting together to create a sea. The smell permeated your nose. You choked on it but kept it silent in your panicked state. You couldn’t afford to be seen or heard.

“Where is it?” Your father’s voice asked. “We made a deal.” You couldn’t see Light without sticking your whole head in the door. Your whole weight was dependent on the wall right now. One move and you’d fall. You weren’t afraid of that fall. You were terrified of never getting up. The rain weighed you down more. At this point, your hair was flat with water and your shirt clung to your skin.

“Oh, Mr. L/N.” His voice. It wasn’t fake Light anymore. It wasn’t him masquerading anymore. It wasn’t his high school voice nor his college voice, even at his angriest moments. It was _Kira._ It reverberated down your spine, paralyzing you to your spot. “You’ll get what you have been promised. It’s not here, but what _I want_ is. It’s been long enough. _Where is she?”_

A deal. You were a part of a _deal._ A _deal_ your father made with _Light._ You were lied to. He knew you’d never come with your freak-out over Takada’s state, so he had to lie to make you come. Your father truly was the man you remember. Though, the deal was the least of your concerns right now.

“My men have her parked in the car off the road to this place. I don’t see what you find so important about her. An empty ball of anxiety and fear.” The jangle of keys in the air could be heard before Light laughed again, a maniacal giggle in a high pitch.

“You don’t see it as I do, Mr. L/N. She is what I have created. A potential to flourish in this world, a flower, crushed by an ignorant foot, and rehabilitated in a new vessel to flourish as _I_ desire. Beautiful, raw strength bent to a new reality that centers around _me._ So much inconsistency in her life, her personality, except me. Her constant. Her vessel bound to grow and blossom by my means and my means only.

“It was my mistake, at first, to not see her as she was. Empty. Lost. Just surviving in this world, but with nothing to live for. Mr. L/N, she is the reason Kira is who Kira is. People like her, easily bent and manipulated, despite all her fight not to be, should thrive in this new world. Without her, Kira would not be.” He laughed. “She had countless opportunities to turn me in, to end Kira’s reign, but she never could. She knew, in her heart, our truth. I only had to drag it from her heart for her to see. A painful, but necessary process to lead us to this moment.”

“She didn’t seem so happy when I told her about Kiyomi Takada. Seemed to care less if you died in the pits of hell.” Light clicked his tongue.

“I’m not surprised. Y/N has countless levels of empathy and even more apathy. She picks and chooses what to see and feel and what to ignore. She strives for self-preservation under the veil of care for others. She’s selfless to be selfish. Empathetic to be apathetic. No one knows her as I do. Not you, not her family, not _her._ I expect a fight. I look forward to it, but she’s already broken, and all you have to do it snap something in half again to break a poorly mended bond.” He paused. “Do you really think she stayed in that car?”

“What? Of course. She was under strict orders—.”

“ _Y/N! Y/N! Y/N~!”_ Light yelled, singing the last chant of your name. “Come on, darling. I know you can hear every word. You would never stay in that car. Just show yourself. _I know you’re here._ Don’t make me have to find you.”

_No. Nononononononononono._ This wasn’t happening. This was a dream. A nightmare. It had to be. Heart palpitating, breathing accelerating, you sprinted away from the warehouse, nearly slipping countless times in the mud, into the woods. Once reaching the tree line, you turned. A mistake.

There he was, standing still in the doorway where you just stood. The rain was roughly mixing with your tears, its pelts against your surrounding drowning out your sobs and breaths. Your hair clung to your face, most likely making you look like a monster, but nothing like the man who took his first step forward out of the warehouse.

You ran. Through the mud and puddles, your soaked shoes weighed you down, but you had no time to take them off. He was running. Faster than you with longer legs, following your obvious tracks in the mud. You didn’t stop until you leaped over a tall, hollow, fallen log nestled between two rocks, and nestled in the corner, so it covered at least half of your body.

“Come on, Y/N. Come out of wherever you are. I’m soaked, because of you, you know. My pants and shoes are utterly covered in mud, too. Tsk. The things I do for you, darling. Just come out. After four years, I thought I would get a better reception.” Your instincts almost made you retort, but that’s what he wanted. You covered your mouth tightly with both hands, freezing all your muscles as to become one with this rotted log “How’s your sister doing? Your mother? Oh, you wouldn’t know, would you? Your nasty brother had to get your father to block communications. I have to say, it was awful rude of you to tell your brother my identity, especially after all this time.” His voice was right above you. You tilted your head up. Through a small hole, you can see him standing right over the log, eyes straight ahead. “Though, I heard you told a little bit _more_ to him than I was aware, hm? It’s okay. No need to be mad at little Oliver, now.

“He’s dead.” Your eyes widened, and it only added to your current state. “Just yesterday. A terrible car accident. He died in the hospital—ah, about five minutes ago. Emergency CPR broke his ribs. His head… well, it was ugly. I’ll spare you the details if you come out of there.” You peeked upwards once more. This time, his eyes were boring into yours. Adrenaline kicking, you scrambled from your spot and began to run. He was quicker, tackling you to the ground, holding both of your wrists with either hand, knees on either side of your hips.

He leered over you as you struggled, screamed, but the rain was too heavy and was far too away from society for anyone to hear you. He waited with predatorial eyes as you struggled, a prey in a trap. Mud was beginning to lace your entire being, coating your hair and face. He didn’t say a word, not until your fight ended after exhaustion took over.

“Look at me.”

“Fuck you.”

“Tsk. Come on, now. Don’t be like that. Is this about Kiyomi? You know I had no choice. Without her, we wouldn’t be here. If you had a problem, you would have said something in high school or college, for that matter. Don’t pretend it bothers you _now,_ of all times?”

“She _burned to death._ She didn’t deserve that!” He laughed, continuing to hold you down. You felt the drops of rain running down his body to your own. His musk overpowering your senses. You squeezed your eyes shut. “Let me go, _please!_ I want to go home!”

“Awh,” he cooed, which turned into a brisk laugh. “What about the _thousands_ of people you let die before, huh? This is the same thing. Why are you acting like it’s different? Or your brother? If you hadn’t told him, maybe he would still be planning his proposal to his partner.” You shook your head frantically. “Well, you telling him did help me, in the end. Come on, Y/N. Open those eyes. Look at me, or I’ll stay like this _all day.”_

Your head ceased to move, but your eyes remained sealed shut. Ever so slowly, you opened them.

Above you, around you, he was everywhere. His mouth grew into a smile. Beads of water dripped down his hair onto you, framing his face. His eyes, they horrified you. They bored into you, into your soul. You couldn’t look away. Your muscles slacked.

He had overpowered you.

“See? Now, struggle again, and I can’t guarantee the fates of your mother and sister.” He lifted himself to kneel over you know, hands at his sides. He wet hair flew back with his shift. He ran his fingers through it, pushing it back more. His eyes remained focused on yours, hypnotizing you. _He was beautiful._ You sobbed. “Come on, then.” He took your hands, gracefully this time, and assisted you so you matched him on your knees. He let go of your hands. You glanced up, confused.

A mistake.

As soon as your eyes met, his hands, wet, filthy, grabbed both sides of your face and pulled you into a kiss. He dominated you, not you knew what you were supposed to do, tongue prodding and licking into your mouth to consume your entire being.

It wasn’t _The Notebook_ type in-the-rain kiss. You supposed that would be classified under romantic. This, this was control _. Ownership. A mark of possession. I own you. You’re mine._ When you broke apart, your lips sore from the rough contact, he groaned, animalistic, against your lips. Your eyes remained opened, keeping yourself sane. Engrossed in each other, his mouth smirked, hands keeping your head still.

He kissed you again.

And again.

And again.

And _again._

Until his mouth trailed from yours to your ear, hands moving down to entangle around your neck, his fingers linking in the back. It was a light grip, with no pressure around your throat.

_“I knew you would save me.”_ His breath was light against your ear, and he moved to rest his forehead against yours. Eyes closing, you watched his mouth open to take breaths against your own skin. His hands remained on your neck. “Say it.” He whispered; eyes still closed.

“W-what?” His eyes opened, now sharp and demanding.

“Say it.” You shook your head, confused. You tried to move, but his hands tightened. “Say it. Tell me what you told your brother. I want to hear it. _Tell_ _me, Y/N.”_ He closed them again, perhaps so he can hear you say it better.

The rain continued to pour, but you were now able to distinguish them from your tears. You couldn’t say it, but you _had to._ His threat bore more into you than the pellets of rain against your scalp. You swallowed.

“I-I love you.”

“Again.”

“I-I love you.”

_“Again.”_

“I love you.” He hummed, teeth glistening in his smile.

“I love you, _who?”_

“I love you, Light.” He remained quiet for a moment, taking in your words.

“One more time to get it right.” Your eyes widened, breath hitching, yet his eyes remained hidden under his lids. “You know what I want.” Your fists were clenched so tight, you’d draw blood if you had the nails for it. Your skin was ice cold from the rain, mud heavy on your arms, legs, and head.

“I love you, Kira.”


	26. The Devil Has Finally Won

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> wonder what's going on lol

_February 7 th_

_I don’t know why I decided to grab the diary I found in the local thrift store. Something about the dullness and wear on its faded green bounds and the intricate patterns drawn onto its spine made it feel like a journal someone going on an adventure would use, someone on his or her way to slay a dragon or to save the world. Or perhaps it was a much darker pull. Somewhere to put the truth, if something ever… happens._

_Light doesn’t know. I don’t foresee any imminent harm if he found out, not that I’ve been harmed at all… physically. It’s been more than a week since the warehouse. Sometimes it replays in my nightmares, and, when I wake up, I expect to be home, safe in my bed._

_It turns out my nightmares no longer restrain themselves to my sleep._

_I never thought Light would be someone to tolerate sleeping next to someone. I always imagined him someone to, if he or she had to share a bed, to remain on the other side, back kept towards his or her partner, but when I wake up, he’s right there. Most of the time, he’s already awake, and seems to wait. A bleak reminder every morning of my reality._

_I don’t know what lie Light pulled to excuse what happened that day to get him off scotch-free, but there’s no one anymore. He did away with Wammy’s house and those trained to be L’s, M’s, and N’s. It was first on his list. He explained it in great detail to me in the car from the warehouse. He regained any trust lost within the police force, which was none, because no one outside of either the NPA or SPK knew, mind a few accomplices who were also placed out of the picture immediately._

_Kiyomi is dead._

_Sometimes, I think she, in particular, watches me, mind the countless demons ready to take my soul as soon as I leave this world, waiting to share her burns with me. I wonder if she watches in pain and suffering, regret, or even jealousy. I warned her. I warned her, I tell myself, but it never seems to excuse it._

_There’s been no sign of Misa. I asked Light if he had been a part in that, and he said no, and, even if he had, it wouldn’t have made any difference. Though, there has been no news of her in any article or blog. It was almost as if she vanished from existence. Perhaps her eyes also gaze at me now._

_Light allowed me to go to my brother’s funeral last week, with the terms of him accompanying me. I was against it, for I know he would be there and watch me parade around with the weapon that had cut off his life string as if nothing was wrong. A bigger insult than I could ever give him, but it would be an excuse for missing I could only give to the dead, so Light and Oliver did meet, after all, after I apologized for killing him._

_Rose and mother were relieved to see me and exclaimed how worried sick they were for so long but forgave me quick in the midst of our dead sibling. Light introduced himself to mother as my boyfriend, the first time he said the word in any context. Rose glanced at me as my mother hugged him tightly. I could only answer silently._

_My father did not show up that day._

_He had contacted Light first and was the one to propose their deal: the death note for me. I don’t know why my dad would speculate it was a fair trade. Perhaps, he is a lot dumber than what I have given him credit for, or a lot smarter. Giving me that gun, perhaps he wanted me to end it, or he would have made me use it on those who would aim it at Light. It doesn’t matter anymore. I left it in the car, which was destroyed. No evidence._

_My father is dead now. Light had done that quick. There was no funeral from what I have heard. I don’t even know if mom and Rose know, though I guess it wouldn’t make a difference. He’s been much less alive to them than to me over the years._

_Rose is a high-ranking official of Kira’s religion now, making far too much money. She quit her job for it. She’s invited me to services, fundraisers, and other… events in Kira’s name, but I’ve had enough of Kira’s name for countless lifetimes. I prefer to meet her over coffee, as long as I let Light know first._

_There are clear rules about that, not explicitly written on paper, for he does enough writing, but in the air it’s thick and legible with every step around the house. I know my boundaries, and I know what happens if I cross them. I ran off once, and it only brought more trouble. I wake up. I go to work. I come back sometimes before him and sometimes after. I eat dinner. I do chores to keep my mind off of everything._

_Sometimes I wonder—_

“Y/N?” You slammed the journal shut as your heart jumped from your chest. He was home early. Scrambling around as you’ve never hidden the journal in the same place, you scurried until you stuffed the journal in your work suitcase. Straightening your posture, you flattened out your shirt and shorts and exited the shared bedroom in the upstairs hallway.

“Up here,” you called, jogging down the stairs to meet him in the living space. He was handing his coat in the hallway closet when your feet planted firmly on the wood of the room. Ryuk must be around too, but you still can’t see him. Light hadn’t forced you to touch it yet. “Hey, how was—uh—work?”

You wondered if Light would keep acting as an everyday citizen forever or prepare to reveal himself as “God of the New World” one day. You didn’t ask, not unless he spoke first. You had too many questions, anyway, and you didn’t want to get too nosey lest risk any perceived doubt from you.

“Work is always the same. You know that.” He shut the closet door and strode towards you, placing a hand on the small of your back and slightly pulling to drown you in a kiss that took your breath away and continued to do so as he continued to walk towards the kitchen. “The new officers they hired are hopeful and ready to work, I’ll give them that, but none would be able to put together a two-piece puzzle.” You hummed, following him and leaning on the room’s entryway.

“Maybe you should give them a shot. Enthusiasm is a rarity in the workplace. If I weren’t there, we would have had three _Challengers_ already. It’s all business anymore.” You sighed.

“I don’t know why you still work at that firm. They obviously don’t treat you or their work the way they deserve to be treated. Maybe you should quit.” _Maybe you should quit._

_Maybe I should come with you to your brother’s funeral._

_Maybe you should let me know when you go somewhere._

_Maybe you should move in with me._

You swallowed, pursing your lips and glancing in the hallway so he didn’t see your face. You loved your job. Not because it was amazing, but it was something that was _yours._ It was time to get away and not be surrounded by _Light_ all the time. It was your last spark of freedom left. “I make more than enough money to sustain us plenty well. You know that.” You shook your head, moving to kneel on one of the kitchen chairs, elbows perched on the back of the chair.

“Yeah, I do, but an engineering income is… well, an engineering income, and we have more to tip waitresses well, give to the poor, go where we want. Plus, I… really want to keep it.” You bit your bottom lip, watching his reaction. He side-eyed you, palms flat against the counter. Sighing, he turned to fully face you.

“Y/N,” he said, taking two steps across the kitchen to lean against the back of your chair, his hands over yours and the feel of his abdomen against your hands squishing them against the wood of the chair’s back. “Maybe you should quit your job.” Tongue running across your top teeth, you bowed your head to look at your knees.

“O-okay, Light. You’re probably right.” He ran a few fingers through your hair carefully before returning to the task at hand. You fiddled with your fingers. “I’ll put in my two weeks tomorrow.” You wanted nothing more than to escape the palpable tension of the kitchen, but you remember the last time you walked away from him and decided to stay put.

“Saw an old friend today. Takao.” You coughed, seeming to choke on air and sat up straight. “We took him in.”

“You _what?”_

"Drugs. Seems like your friend took up a new hobby after you left. Don’t know the sentence yet.” He peered over his shoulder to gauge your reaction, and of course, you gave him exactly what he wanted out of you: guilt. You had a tendency to blame yourself, not that he could have expected anything different considering what you’ve been through, and now you’re going to go through every single person’s life who you believed you wrecked. He sighed. Some things don’t change.

“Oh, that’s—uh.” You cleared your throat, glancing to the sink to keep your eyes off of Light, though the familiar prick behind your eyes told you exactly what he was looking at, you couldn’t help it. “Shit, sorry. I—uh,” you wiped your eyes with the back of your fist. You closed your eyes in the midst of whatever he was going to say next. “I didn’t mean to cry.” 

“Y/N, it’s about time you moved on from the past. It’s over. All that stress on you from everyone, it’s over.” He guided you to stand up, one hand on the small of your back. You jumped a little. You weren’t used to being touched so often, considering how touch-starved you’ve been the first two decades or so of your life. “You’ll get used to it. Y/N, it’s all over. It’s done. We did it. Everything that I’ve done, that _we’ve_ done has brought us here.

“If you’d never ran into Ray Pember that night, sometimes I think I might have ended up dead in that warehouse.” He said a smile in his voice. Your head was downturned, focusing on your feet. His finger nudged your chin up to meet his eyes.

They were dead, he noted. The fire extinguished by the rain that fateful day. Sometimes he missed them. He missed the inner conflict that would rock your mental state, but he’d never wish to go back to it. You were perfect the way you are. The perfect idealization of the people Kira was created to protect. His thumb wiped away a stray tear, then his other hand came up so they both cradled your face. “Cry for me, baby. I’m the only one who gets to see them, the only one who loves them the way I do. The only one who loves _you_ the way I do. The only one who ever could love you the way you are.” Light whispered, the kiss soft and gentle. “Forget the past, Y/N. Give in to the future.” Releasing a shaky breath, you linked your hands behind his neck and pressed your lips to his. You’ve got the hang of it, but you still needed practice, according to him.

He deepened the kiss, hand coming to grasp the back of your head, pushing you into the cabinets, blunt edge of the granite piercing your back. He wanted more. _Oh, you weren’t ready for more._ You pulled back, panting just a little.

“I—I don’t.” He hushed you with a single finger. 

“Don’t worry. I know. Just leave it all to me. Give yourself to me, Y/N.” You succumbed.

You didn’t expect that. Though, you didn’t know what to expect at all. When you woke up the next morning, his arm laid across your waist, him on his side, you on your back. Still naked as the day you were born. Your head rolled to look at him. Peaceful, quiet, it almost looked like he was… dead, but the twitching of his arm told you otherwise. Lifting the limb off of you, you swung your legs to sit up straight. _Sore,_ was your first thought. When you made it to the bathroom, your next thought was _ouch._ Bruises littered your neck and collarbone. Looking down, you caught some on your inner thighs as well. Light could use his chompers, huh, you joked to yourself.

Anything to keep the situation as light as possible.

As _Light_ as possible. 

Jeez, you needed to shower.

Turning the water on, you twisted the handle, so the water scorched your skin. Get _anything_ off of you. You heard the door to the bathroom open and watched his silhouette tear open the shower curtain.

“Still naked,” you said out loud. He ignored your comment, too early for a negative brain cell banter. He faced the showerhead, giving your eyes time to wonder his backside. _It was nice._ You cringed at the thought, hurriedly turning around to continue your own… your head turned back around. An idea bubble grew, and you popped it just as quick. He could wash on his own.

“We’re not going anywhere today, right?”

“No, not that I know of.” His head looked over his bare shoulder. “Worried about those?” He motioned to your neck by motioning to his own clear one.

“Well, I mean… I’m not some college student where it’s at least mildly acceptable anymore. It’s just—it’s fine. As long as we’re not going anywhere.”

“When they’re gone, I’ll just make more.” He said it as simply as he’d say the weather.

“If I ever bit you, you’d wring my neck, but you can leave me looking like… this.” He turned to face you now, beads of water from the running water running down his hair, over his shoulder and weaving down his abdomen. You licked your lips, remaining focused—focused on the droplets of water formed on his lashed _yikes._

“Looking like, what, exactly? Like you’re mine? I don’t see the problem. Do you?” It was a challenge.

“No, I just think maybe there’s an easier way. Less… you know. _Stuff._ ” He chuckled.

“Are you suggesting a collar—.”

“ _No._ Know what? It’s fine. I love them. They’re great.” You abruptly left the shower, wrapping yourself in a towel before anything else slipped out of your mouth. He followed shortly after, while you were brushing your teeth. He approached from behind, settling his hands on your hips. His head poked over yours, and you made eye contact through the mirror. He waited until you rinsed to speak again.

“You love me.”

“Yes.”

"Remind me.”

“I love you.” He hummed his approval, allowing his head to rest on your shoulder whilst his arms wrapped around you fully.

“Yes, you do.”

The devil had finally won.


	27. Too Damn Easy

Light had watched you skitter around like some frightened mouse since high school. You were so obvious and ignorant of it; it could make him _sick._ His eyes trailed your movements as you spoke with the brunette girl that was only even looking at you because of him, and you didn’t even know! _Maybe I should have killed her long ago and have gotten done with it…_ No. You were no threat to him. To the untrained eye, you were fine, normal, despite the bit of the social inexperience, and even smart, though he’d bet you didn’t even realize it even after putting the puzzle together about him. 

But, at the time, he hadn’t realized you would be so… _intriguing._ Making excuses on some things, blaming him for others, then going on to blame yourself and ask for some holy punishment, it was all so much. Though, he could imagine the stress that he could have put on you by simply keeping you and your family alive since that status can change in 40 seconds. Besides that, there was still something else that kept you compliant, as unwilling as you may be, and it wasn’t just keeping your head off the chopping block. You _must_ know by now he’d never kill you! 

No, by the time of the notorious party, he couldn’t. What kind of god would he be if he killed off the very kind of people he created to protect? Sure, you were flawed, who wasn’t? But you kept going. Accepting then rejecting. Swearing then hiding, but always moving in some direction. Whether it was the right direction, it didn’t matter.

It was his direction. 

He’d make it so. He always has and he always would.

When he nabbed your wallet-sized senior portrait from your house, he kept it for a reason. Misa, a good reason, though he didn’t know at the time of the theft that she would be. A reminder, too. It keeps him familiar, determined, and reminded. Reminded to keep an eye out when he lost his memories and you had to babysit Ryuk, which must have been fun for you, when you were trusted with the notebook in your hands, and when you had the _audacity_ to leave for _four_ years. Oh yes, he was always reminded. The person who cracked the code and the person he cracked in response. The vulnerability you tried to hide, the will to fight you faked, it _plagued_ him. 

It was annoying. 

Of course, he knew what the feelings were in his chest. He wasn’t stupid. They were inconvenient for him, so he ignored them. He hid them just like he did Kira. Both were shoved into the same locked chest deep in his mind; He remained eerily aware of them. Maybe they spurred around the same time he realized he wouldn’t kill you. _The party._ He suspected as much. From then on, it was only downhill. 

Misa, no, she wasn’t a problem, because he wouldn’t be looking to… _do_ anything—God he despised thinking the word even—while she was in the picture. It would be assisted homicide to even think about it. The safest thing was to make sure the two remained far away from each other, which he assumed you must have already realized. It would be out of his control once he lost his memory, but you’d manage. You were so much smarter.

Then, _then_ there was Kiyomi Takada. A means to an end, you must have realized! Of course, that was all when you were _gone._ When you packed up your stuff and _left_ right when he had finally done it! By then, those feelings he had shoved far down below had somehow festered and twisted into something so much rawer and more distorted, but he didn’t question it. Perhaps, if he had caught the progressive change before L’s death, if you hadn’t _left,_ he would have addressed the problem— _maybe_ , but it was too late for that. These _primal_ thoughts were present and ready to consume him.

They must have grown since the party, ever so slowly, and as he and Kira became more sickeningly intertwined, so did these feelings with Kira’s twisted nature.

But you left. Before he can even _do_ anything, you _left!_ You ran like a coward. He stood in the office, fists clenching at his sides as you hung up on him. Light had waited a few days after L’s death to question where you were and have his men search for you under the mask of Light being concerned for his friend. The last thing there was documentation of was a flight. That was _it._ Close to where your brother is, he could deduce from the airport you landed in. Then, there was nothing. You were off the radar entirely.

Someone must have intervened. You couldn’t have thought this far ahead. You didn’t have the power nor the connections to drop-off the face of the earth, but yet there was not a single sign of you. It aggravated him to no end. Having to deal with Misa _and_ Takada and their manipulative ways to what they think is his _heart_ without you even being in the picture anymore seemed to irk him more than anything. They both seemed to be utterly convinced that it was some sort of competition between the two of them that was already over because each of them was convinced they had already won.

_Women._

There would never be a competition, and even if there was, there was already a winner. That particular participant didn’t even have to try.

But then… then you came _back._ It was like his reward for his patience. The message from the mysterious man was suspicious, and Light was ready to add another name to the countless until he revealed his identity not only to the gang he was associated with but also who his family happened to be, _and_ the icing on the cake was he was willing to offer up his own daughter at the mere mention of Light’s power.

His problems were solving themselves all thanks to you. He wasn’t so mad at you for running after that. After all, after the warehouse, he didn’t like to imagine possible outcomes should he not had struck his “deal” with him. The help was needed, of course, but that was all he was needed for.

And _oh,_ when he saw you again, running across the rainy field that fateful day, he thought since he knew he would have no place in heaven, _this_ was the heaven granted to him. Something out there had given you back to him. He deserved this. He _earned_ this. This was his reward for everything. Everyone who could have even had the chance to expose him was gone or would be soon. It was easy now.

Everything was _so_ damn easy now.

“The fuck are you staring at?” You muttered. It was—God—seven in the morning when you woke up to eyes just… staring at you. “Don’t go telling me I look like Medusa, or I swear I’ll knock you out.” He didn’t respond, eyes glancing to the corner of the room. He was deep in thought, you can tell. “I don’t even want to know what you’re thinking. ‘m going back to sleep. Forever.” He looked back down to you after you shut your eyes.

Too damn easy.


End file.
